Mister Now-It-All

The army... it makes a man or breaks a man...

I'd heard that but never really thought it through.

So somebody comes back from the army ready to join the adult world as a contributing member... or they're heavily armed and at the breaking point. I'm sure they can tell. There's gotta be a test or something they give 'em.

My father, told me the day I started high school "This is a new world for you. So try to act sophisticated. If you see a girl with really big breasts in the hallway go up to her and say 'Those look terribly heavy. Can I carry those to class for you?'"

Ya know, you'd think a 15-year-old-girl with 32 Double Ds would have a better sense of humor about that.

Opening paragraph to a novel: Her breasts were enormous and each seemed to point in different directions though neither were pointed the same direction she was. Her breasts were like the gangs in West Side Story: you couldn't get them together without a fight.

I saw the ultimate lazy food the other day--Frozen garlic toast... if you're too tired to make toast from scratch take a nap.

Was Doc always called Doc or was that something he started after Snow White showed up?

Boyd -- Hey I thought I saw you the other day in a crowd

Sammy -- Yeah?

Boyd -- So I shouted 'hey what are you doing dressed like a woman?' I got no response.Sammy -- yeah and then?

Boyd -- So I then yelled 'did you escape or is this work release program.' Still got nothing so I decided to take a more direct approach. And I yelled really loud 'Sammy you suck.' And by then I figured it was probably somebody else.

Sammy --- Oh that was you? If I'd a known that I would've flipped you off and yelled at you to eat shit.

Boyd -- Next time

Sammy -- Sure, I'm always walking by the gym or that karate school on the corner

Boyd -- That's funny. I have no witty come back to that

Sammy -- I'm so relieved

Remember the shoe bomber--this doesn't sound like the brightest guy in the world. I don't care what you're wearing no shoe is gonna hold enough explosives to do anything except blow off your foot.

I like to go to Chinese restaurants: I'm not crazy about vegetables but I love to order the food. "I'd like the number three..." "Oh you want Mar Far Chicken?" "You godamn right... Ma fa! And then bring me some cocksucking sticky rice, too."

The state department today announced its newest program in the hunt for fugitve terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.

President George W. Bush stated at a press conference earlier today a project he has personally overseen from its inception, the "Got Bin Laden?" project.

Said the President: "This whole thing started because the CIA gave us bad intel, ya see? So now we're gonna put out good intel, heh heh. We are... um... gonna put Bin Laden's face on tee shirts and... uh... handbills and milk cartons and... uh, bumper stickers. It worked for that guy on television... with his kid. So I think with a uh... by putting up these handbills all over the Afghan-Pakastani border and the bumper stickers on military vehicles and the milk carton thing... we'll have Bin Laden... soon. Thank you."

Standing line at the grocery store yesterday I saw an astronomical event. I watched a woman (at least I think it was just one woman) who had to weight at least 300 lbs moving through the store (walking might be a misleading term). She was wearing a black velvet moo-moo, except this would probably be considered a moo-moo... moo. To anyone who has observed black velvet in sharply contrasting lights can understand the optical effect that particular fabric imparts... I think I now understand what it would be like to stare into the heart of a black hole.

On TV last night I just saw the newest rage in plastic surgery: labiaplasty. Yes, it's just what you think it is. My pussy's ugly... So? Turn out the lights. At best, it's not the most attractive portion of the female anatomy, but guys rarely complain... and who's this for, really? Do women in Beverly Hills stand around at parties and compare?

I read the testimonials. One said "I look so much better down there..." what is she a contortionist? "I have renewed self-confidence in public..." where do you live?

Who's gonna know? "Hi grandpa, I just had elective surgery. Wanna see?"

Are women gonna scurry down to Kinkos, drop their drawers and hop up on the copier so they can have a picture for their Christmas cards? Doubtful.

A woman can also get a new hymen... ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret: guys aren't that interested in the hymen, they prefer the packaging. The prices range from 3500 dollars to 12,500 dollars. Okay, if you CAN GET 12,500 dollars worth of this surgery, maybe there's a problem.

I only saw labia reduction... I'm waiting for labia enhancement then I'll send the wife in for a consultation.

A C&W band: The Dixie Ribonucleaic Acids

After viewing the latest James Bond extravaganza, fans of the 007 genre will find themselves shaken not stirred.

We have seen a series of commercials recently showing the real inherent dangers of the international drug trade in spite of its seemingly harmless nature. Staccato inter-cutting of clean cut mid-western youth looking into the camera matter-of-factly stating that their purchase of a "Dime bag of marijuana helped kidnap a federal judge in South America..."

I would like to add to those commercials and carry a stronger and more historically correct message... i.e.

Establishing medium shot of a well-dressed individual seated in a Mercedes Benz E Series

"The drugs I bought 20 years ago helped fund a war in a mesoAmerican nation in an attempt to overthrow an individual who has since become the duly election president of that nation..."

shot into aircraft cabin of an Airline pilot

"...and sent millions of dollars to a nation that had kidnapped over 40 American citizens in exchange for automatic weapons that are illegal in this country..."

head shot of a well dressed individual seated on a leather couch with a view from the 50th floor of a building in a major city in the background

"...and undermined a multi million dollar campaign by the American President to eliminate the demand side of illegal drugs through a 'Just say no' advertising scheme and increased DEA funding..."

shot of well dressed woman helping her children out of a mini van in front of a Gymnastics Studio

"...plus longer prison sentences for convicted drug dealers right under the very noses of the government agencies entrusted to protect us from illegal drug trade..."

long shot of fit looking man in an orange jump suit raking leaves beside a cyclone fence topped with razor wire

"...and created a national hero out of a low ranking Marine officer who perjured himself before congressional subcommittees in order to protect the true perpetrators..."

long shot of a well dressed woman at the head of a board room table

"... and allowed them to seek reelection and political appointments without addressing any of their possible involvement in these crimes..."

head shot of George W. Bush

"... and besides it was only a dime bag."