Preface: If you take any of this seriously, you're a dumb honky.
BEGIN:
We begin in the laboratory of the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen.
The Muffin Man was seated at the table, gathering an intimate quantity of dried muffin remnants, in an effort to create the perfect muffin. Enter Tommy Mars, clawing the ants off of his flesh.
"I found them! They're beautiful in their arrogance! Look at how they bicker amongst each other over the most inane horse garbage! It delights me to observe their childish behavior; look, now, to the West! See them wasting away, oblivious to the world around them! I speak, of course, of those princes of daft absurdities, the honkies!"
FLASHBACK (WRITTEN IN PRESENT TENSE BECAUSE FUCK YOU):
"Ugh! What a rough day!" exclaimed Vinyl Scratchy, after a long day at school. Stepping over her passed out alcoholic mother, she enters her room, excited to avoid playing some Team Fortress 2 with her friends (because they only play on Jailbreak servers).
"Let's just see who's online," she mutters to herself. "There's Clawnoob, PhaseBlaze, Rainbow Dash, DarkGuru, Rainbow Dash, and Rainbow Dash. But. . . where's AngelPanda?"
Suddenly, a knock is heard at the door.
"Can somebody get that?"
No reply.
"Hello?"
Nothing.
"Ugh."
Vinyl rises from her chair and answers the door. A young female stands on the porch.
"Vinny!" the stranger exclaims jubilantly.
"Do I know you?"
"It's me!"
"That's. . . not helping."
"AngelPanda!"
Vinyl slams the door in the stranger's face.
"Vinny? Hello?"
"Go away! I don't know you!"
"No, really! It's me! Remember? We were playing Jailbreak yesterday, and I accidentally freekilled the entire red team?"
Vinyl cracks the door open slightly.
"A-Angel?"
"That's right!"
"B-but what are you-what are you doing here?"
"I thought I'd stop by and give you a late birthday present!"
"Wh-what?"
"Come with me!"
Before she can say anything, Angel grabs Vinyl by the wrist and drags her outside.
"Put this on," Angel mandates, handing Vinyl a blindfold. Vinyl complies.
"Where are we going?" Vinyl inquires.
"You'll see."
PRESENT DAY:
Tommy Mars turns to the audience and proclaims "This be a warnin' to inny uhv our y'unger readers: the following scenes be depictin' graphical sexual content, which may not be suitable for all ages."
The Muffin Man turns to him and speaks: "Would you quit talking like Thing-Fish?"
"I got your Thing-Fish hangin', boy!"
FLASHBACK:
After walking for nearly half an hour, the girls arrive at their destination.
"Okay," Angel says, "you can remove the blindfold now."
Vinyl removes the blindfold. Around her she sees lumber, axes, and saws of various shapes and sizes.
"The abandoned Sawmill?" Vinyl asks "Why are we he-"
Before she can finish, Angel grabs her by the face and kisses her passionately.
Vinyl, stunned by this sudden turn of events, pushes Angel away.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" she screams.
"Shh..." Angel responds, "just go with it, Vinny."
