"Welcome to the Larry Stinger Show," the director said. "Now here's your host, Larry Stinger!"
Larry trotted onto the stage amid chants of
Lar-ry
!
Lar-ry
! He held his hands up to calm the studio audience, but they cheered him wildly for another thirty seconds. As they finally calmed down, he said, "Hi everyone, and welcome to the show. Please join me in welcoming our first guest, Jeannie Putney." Jeannie was a heavy-set woman who looked like a gargoyle. She may have been attractive once upon a time, but that time was long ago and far away. As the crowd cheered, Larry asked, "So, Jeannie. What brings you here today?"
"Larry, I have met the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful man in the world. When my husband passed away last year, this man was there for me. He tended to my yard, he invited me over for dinner when he grilled out with his kids. We even made love."
As the audience said
Oooooooooo
, Larry asked, "So, what do you hope to accomplish here today?"
"I want to tell him what he means to me, Larry. I want the whole world to know how much I appreciate him, and then I want him to know that I am in love with him."
Awwwwwwwww
, the audience responded. Larry said, "What is his name?"
"Richard," Jeannie responded.
"Well, let's bring Richard out."
Richard was relatively good-looking. He was a bit stocky, but he was well-groomed and had a pleasant, immediately-likeable face. He smiled as he sat next to Jeannie. "Do you know why you're here today, Richard?" Larry asked.
"I've watched this show enough times to know it can't be anything good," Richard answered with a laugh. The audience laughed with him.
"You're here because Jeannie has something she'd like to say to you. Jeannie?"
She faced him, then said, "I appreciate everything you have done for me, Richard. I could not have made it through my husband's death if it weren't for you."
Awwwwwwww
. "I just want you to know that that time we made love, it was so special and magical. I love you, Richard, and I want us to be together."
He immediately stood. "Whoa, hold your horses there, Jeannie." He looked at Larry. "I don't know what all she told you, but we're neighbors. When her husband died, I did the neighborly thing and offered to help where I could. We had sex once. Just once, and when it was over I told her that it was a mistake. She's been trying to sink her buzzard claws into me ever since. At that time, I told her that I was seeing someone. She just won't leave me alone."
"And here's the woman that Richard is seeing. Please welcome Lorie."
An attractive woman walked onto the stage and got in Jeannie's face. She was heavy-set as well, but curvy and well-proportioned. "He told me about his mistake with you, and I have forgiven him. Why can't you just leave him the hell alone? We're trying to build a life together."
Jeannie stood and shouted, "Because I love him, and I want to be with him!"
"You don't love him, you old buffalax. You just don't want to be alone, is all."
Larry pulled Lorie back with him. He laughed as he asked, "What did you call her?"
"A buffalax, Larry. You know, big as a buffalo, ugly as a battle axe?" The audience laughed.
"Least I don't look like bearilla," Jeannie said, "and for those of you who don't know what that means, it means she's half bear and half gorilla."
A bell rung, and the two women charged each other. Security finally got them separated, and Larry said, "Okay, Richard. What's it going to be? Do you want Jeannie, or do you want Lorie?"
Lorie said, "We've been together for almost two years, Richard. Don't throw it away on this slut. You know you love me."
Richard just stared at her, then said, "Weeeeeell."
"What?" Lorie asked, wide-eyed with fear.
"Lorie, you are a good and decent person, but someone else has my heart. I fell in love with her at first sight."
"And here she is, Stasha," Larry announced.
A young, lithe woman walked onto the stage. Jeannie took one look at her, then turned to Richard and began a litany of, "God-damn you! God-damn you, you son-of-a-bitch! God-damn you!" even as the young lady made her way to Richard, wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him long and tenderly. Jeannie moved as fast as she could and ripped the two apart.
"What's going on?" Larry asked as the audience hooted and hollered.
"No," Jeannie said to Richard. "Not with my daughter, you filthy bastard."
"Daughter?" Larry and Lorie exclaimed in unison.
"Oh, you don't know the half of it, Larry," Jeannie said with a smug look on her face.
"And I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of turning this into something ugly," Richard said. "Larry, Stasha is a pre-op male-to-female transgender, and I love her with all my heart." The audience erupted. First, there was wild applause, then the chant of
Lar-ry
,
Lar-ry
once again. Lorie left the stage, crying.
"There's only one thing left for me to do," Richard said. He dropped to one knee, took Stasha's hand in his, and said, "Stasha, will you marry—"
Jeannie ran him over, bulldozed him. As Richard fell to the floor, she fell upon him and began beating him about the face and arms. "You're not going to get her. I promise you that." Yet, it was Stasha who pulled her mother off him.
"Leave him alone, Mama. I love him, and I want to be with him."
"If you go through with this, I promise I'll never speak to you again."
Richard stood up. He was laughing. "Get used to it, Jeannie, because there isn't a damned thing you can do about it."
"So, this is it, then?" Larry asked. "Stasha, are you willing to give up your mother to be with Richard?"
"I never said I was giving
her
up, Larry; she said she was giving
me
up."
"Jeannie?"
"As long as you're with him, you're without me."
"Okay then, there you have it. We'll be right back after this commercial break."
Tomorrow on the Larry Stinger Show: He spent two years in Afghanistan fighting to protect the freedoms of those back home. When his tour of duty ended, he returned to find his wife caught in a love triangle with his mother and his father. Also: They never knew each other as they were given up for adoption at birth. Twenty years later, they met, fell in love, and married. Six months later they found out they were brother and sister.
TOMORROW, ON STINGER
!
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.
"Okay, welcome to our next segment. Everyone, please meet Abigail." As the applause died down, Larry said, "Abigail, please tell us why you are here today."
"Larry, my son has been committing an abomination against the Lord, and I'm here today to try to make him see the error of his ways."
"What abomination are you talking about?" Larry asked.
"Larry, a few months ago, my son met a woman who deceived him. He fell in love with her, and then she told him that she was really a man."
Lar-ry
