The Neo-Bored Conservative

It was late Friday afternoon at work and nothing was getting done. I had been sitting in my office attempting to visit a few of my favorite internet sites but unfortunately found that our new IT guy had done a reprehensibly good job at blocking access to anything even remotely interesting. Finally giving up, I vowed to improve my hacking skills and try again another day.

In the meantime, however, I was bored and in need of a suitable diversion to while away the remainder of the day. I considered the pile of paperwork on my desk for a moment, dismissed it as work and proceeded to examine the contents of my pen holder with great interest. Finally, after several minutes in which I decided that I would definitely have to use the blue pen with the medium point the next time I signed something, a suitable diversion came to mind. Liz!

Liz, you see, is our Director of Corporate Communications and is what you might call a neoconservative, which is to say that she's a Baby Boomer who grooved on sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll in the 60's and 70's, lived by the motto "greed is good" in the 80's, and then in the 90's found religion when she realized the Grim Reaper was moving into her neighborhood.

Liz also happens to be a lot of fun to argue with.

To get her going only took the slightest provocation. Even simple statements would set her off, things like, "The Baby Boomers are the most pathetic excuse for a generation this world has ever seen! They are a bunch draft dodging, drug using, sex addicted, obese, self righteous, oil guzzling money sluts who don't care about anyone or anything beyond their own self gratification. And the only proof you need of that is to look at the first two Presidents their generation has produced: Bill Clinton and George Bush! One dodged the draft, smoked pot, ate McDonald's everyday, and got blow jobs under the desk at work. The other dodged the draft, snorted alcohol, drank cocaine and invaded an oil rich nation because, he claims, God told him to!"

Sometimes Liz would get so mad I'd swear she really was going to stab me with that miniature samurai sword letter opener she kept on her desk. Today, however, I felt like getting her really worked up.

"Hey, Liz," I said, casually walking up to her by the coffee machine, "I have a couple of friends back East who are getting married next month and have no idea what to get them. Any suggestions?"

"Well, what interests do they have in common?"

"Well, I know they both like antique furniture. Of course, Judy likes Amish style while Sarah likes ..."

Liz interrupted, "Sarah and Judy?"

"Yeah, Sarah and Judy."

"They're both women?"

"And they both like antique furniture."

"They're Lesbians?"

"Yes, but Sarah prefers Victorian furniture."

I looked at Liz. She looked at me. And for a moment nothing happened while she searched for the right words to express her innermost thoughts on the matter.

"That's disgusting!" she announced, her face turning a quite lovely shade of Indignation Red with just a touch of Self Righteous Purple thrown in for accent.

"I can't believe you asked me to help you find a wedding gift for a couple of ... of ... homosexuals! I can't believe that there's even a place in this country that would marry those ... those ... people! Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. It's the moral cornerstone of our society and you Left Wing liberals attack it and try and tear it down every chance you get! I can't wait until Congress finally amends the Constitution and abolishes gay marriage for the abomination that it is. The blessed sanctity of marriage has got to be protected!"

"I couldn't agree more."

She blinked, her face suddenly unsure of what color it should be.

"What?" she queried.

"You're right, Liz. The sanctity of marriage needs to be protected."

"What?" she asked once more for the sake of clarity.

"Look. Sarah and Judy may be friends but that doesn't mean I think they should be allowed to marry. I mean, okay, I'm not going to say anything to them this time only because I know the whole thing is going to be invalidated by the Constitution sooner or later. So why rock the boat, right? Why make an issue about something that will be a non-issue by the time 'W' is out of office? My only problem is that I don't think an amendment to ban gay marriage is going far enough. Personally, I think a lot more needs to be done by this country to protect the institution of marriage and return it to its rightful place in our society."

"I ... had no idea you felt this way," Liz said, looking at me with newly found non-disdain.

"Yeah, well, I do. In fact, I want to see more constitutional amendments. For starters, we need an amendment that bans divorce. I think divorce is the number one threat to marriage and family values."

Liz gasped in gleeful surprise. "I thought I was the only one who wanted to outlaw divorce!"

"Get out of here! Really? Me too! You know, in fact, I think that the government should annul the marriage of anyone who has remarried after getting a divorce. They should be compelled to get back together with their original spouse. I mean, if they were in love once, they can do it again, right?"

"Well, that might be a little extreme ..."

"Oh, no! I don't think so. No man should be allowed to break the sanctity of marriage! It's time this country stood up and began correcting the wrongs of the past, put these families back together and get us back on the straight and narrow. That same amendment should also make adultery and premarital sex illegal. Sex should only be allowed between a man and a woman within the confines of marriage. No condoms, no birth controls pills, no nothing. Sex is meant for procreation, not recreation! And that means none of that oral or hiney sex, either! Straight up missionary should be the only position allowed under the Constitution. Anything else could lead to deviant behavior.

"And speaking of deviant behavior, I think it's high time we eradicated gay and lesbian terminology from the English language. Having it around can cause weak willed people to spontaneously burst into homosexuality! So I propose an amendment stipulating that the word 'gay' will revert back to its original meaning of happy, and 'queer' will simply mean strange. In addition, the terms lesbian, lez, lezzie, muff diver, ass pirate, rough rider, switch hitter, dyke, twink, nice dresser, color coordinated, artist, fashion designer, actor, playwright, opera singer, navy and Bruce will be stricken from the public record and added to the FCC's watch list! Likewise, the term homosexual, itself, will be changed to 'homeopathic'. The people practicing homeopathy will just have to deal with it.

"Finally, I want a constitutional amendment forcing my neighbor lady to at least wear a robe when taking out the trash on garbage days. I know this is a personal one, but if you ever saw her in a nightgown, you'd support this amendment, too!"

Somewhere during my impassioned diatribe that look of cold disdain had returned to Liz's eyes.

"You're sick," she stated flatly, turned on her heels and with a huff began marching back to her office, presumably to get her letter opener.

"Who's the Liberal now, Liz?" I called after her. "Who's the Liberal now!"

Momentarily satisfied I looked down at my watch. "Hmmm. Twenty more minutes until quitting time. I wonder if that new IT guy is in his office?"