Harry Dic: Xmas Dildo Caper

The insane author, Jenny Jackson, sat on a bench near the corner of 39th and 7th Avenue in New York with a yellow legal pad across her knees. The swirling snowflakes of late December danced at her feet as she watched her character, the Private Eye, Harry Dick, across the street. Harry was dressed as a Santa Claus bell-ringer. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling...

Jenny tried to remember why Harry was standing there like an idiot ringing a bell while it was trying to snow. Shuffling through the pages of her notes she remembered. "Oh yes. I raised the rent on his office and he's trying anything to raise the cash to keep from being evicted," she chuckled to herself. She took her pen from a pocket and started to write on her legal pad, thinking with a grin, "This will piss him off."

Across the street, Harry began to grow fatter until he was over 400 pounds. "God damn it!" yelled Harry. He marched across the street fuming. "Ok, Jenny! What's the big idea?"

"Hi, Harry. Didn't see you," Jenny lied.

"Yeah. Right. And what's with the flab you just put on me?"

"Just testing something here, Harry. I really thought you needed to look the part since you were playing Santa and all. But don't worry. I can fix it," Jenny smiled as she crossed out a line on her yellow pad. Harry's fat melted away and he became his normal, wimpy self.

"Yeah. And I was suffocating down here," said Harry's cock. "No more of this fat shit, Jenny."

"Actually, Harry, I'm writing a really big case for you here. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks." Then to Harry's cock she said, "And shut up. Cocks aren't supposed to talk."

"Big case? Like that disaster down at Jake's Gym? What was her name? Hilda? This time I want a real women - hot, sexy and knockers out to here," fumed Harry.

"Well. How does a big smuggling ring sound, Harry? Some guys are bringing in Christmas stuff illegally and selling cheap in a store over on 10th." And as an afterthought Jenny went on, "If you really insist I can write in a hot, good looking secretary for you. Just like Sam Spade had. Remember her?"

"Yeah. That's good. But she's gotta look like Jennifer Aniston and have the morals of a cat in heat. You got that?" Harry was drooling at the thought.

"And a really tight pussy too," interjected Harry's cock.

Jenny scribbled furiously on her yellow pad, then looked up at Harry. "How's this? 5-5, 40DD's, really nice ass, beautiful face, used to be a stripper specializing in lap dances, nipple rings, her name's Maria Torres, and she's all yours, Harry."

"That's more like it," Harry said smiling. "Now what about this smuggling case? What's the deal?"

"And no damn Lezbos this time," Harry's cock demanded.

"Okay. Shit! I'll add that too," Jenny said crossing out a line and scribbling in a new one while rolling her eyes.

"Let me see. They call themselves the 2nd Street Importers. They work out of a warehouse over on Terminal Avenue near the docks under the business name "Rubber Toy Imports". They have a big shipment coming in from Hong Kong tonight. I'd suggest you take Maria over to see Boney Malone and give him a heads up. Then you can head on down there," Jenny grinned. "Oh, and don't worry about your rent. I'll take care of it."

"You bitch. It WAS you that set that up. I oughta..."

"Now now, Harry. Try to act your age. I'm doing you a favor." Jenny thought for a moment than said, "And by the way Harry. You're going to like this case. It's all mixed up with the sex industry." Jenny winked a knowing eye at Harry.

" Sex industry?" said Harry's cock with a tiny, excited dribble of precum.

"Sex industry, eh?" Harry mused then said, "Ok. But no more of your low end stories, Jenny. This better be good or I'm walking out of them forever."

"Would I lie to you, Harry?" Jenny looked shocked.

"Yeah, you would. Every time you pick up your pen you put me in some dumb-ass situation that makes me look like a complete idiot. No more of that shit, Jenny. I'm a professional you know." Harry turned a stomped off down the street.

"What a fucking idiot," thought Jenny. "Like, who else would even write him?" Jenny rolled her eyes, picked up her yellow pad and began to scribble the next scene. "This is going to be good," she thought. "And a surprise or two for my little dork, Harry." Jenny's grin was decidedly evil.

Harry swiftly climbed the stairs to his office on 5th Avenue. Opening the door he saw a gorgeous, brunette with huge boobs sitting at a desk in a waiting room that was not there before. The place looked pretty swank actually, with Sear & Robuck furniture, a potted palm in the corner and a filing cabinet. "Hey, Jenny did alright," he thought. Eyeing the brunette, Harry took in the massive bazookas and gorgeous face.

"You must be Maria Torres. Right, baby?" Harry said casually while staring at Maria's cleavage.

"Geeze. Of course I am. I've only been working here for two years, Harry," Maria said rolling her eyes. "You been drinking again, Harry?"

"I can't believe Jenny came through this time," whispered Harry's cock. "Just look at the bazookas on that bitch."

"Get your coat on, Maria. We have an appointment downtown. Big case this time."

"We have time for a quickie," suggested Harry's cock with a one-eyed, dribbling sneer.

"Shut up, "Harry whispered to his cock.

"Oh yeah. Just like the Halloween Caper. You taking on the New York dyke community again, Harry?" Maria shook her head.

"Naw. I got it straight from Jenny this time. This one is going to be big. A real case that will put this agency and me on the front page of the Times."

"And you believed that bitch? She fucks you over every single time," Maria mumbled as she put on her coat.

The two (three, depending on how you count) left the office and headed down the stairs to Harry's 1924 Packard. "When you going to get a new car, Harry?" asked Maria. "I feel totally stupid riding around in this old-ass piece of shit." Maria grimaced as Harry started the engine and pulled away from the curb.

Harry pulled up to the curb in front of the 39th Street Precinct and took Maria inside. There he found Inspector "Boney" Malone in his office.

"Hiya, Boney. How's tricks?" Harry said.

"What the hell do you want, Dick?"

"I need some info, Boney. A bunch down by the docks. The call themselves The 2nd Street Importers. They run an operation called Rubber Toy Imports or something. You ever heard of them?"

Boney leaned back in his office chair and rested his arms on his bulging stomach. "Yeah, I know about those guys. A bunch of Orientals. I heard they were in the import business bringing in Christmas stuff."

"Well. I got the word they are smuggling and I'm on the case. You can count on them taking a big fall on this caper, Boney."

As he ran his fingers through his thinning black hair Boney looked at Harry. "Look, Dick. I've disliked you for a long time. Okay? But even so, let me give you some advice. Leave that bunch alone. They got friends in important places and look strictly legit. I got good info they have connections in porn circles. Stay away from those guys. You hear?"

"Porn circles," repeated Harry's cock. "Can we go back to the office and practice, Harry?" Harry ignored his dick for the moment.

"Yeah. Yeah. You always say that."

"Look," Boney said seriously, "I got it direct from Jenny. These guys are connected. They might even own the boys downtown. So walk away."

Harry chuckled and turned for the door. "I'll clue you in when I break this case, Boney," Harry said over his shoulder as he was leaving. "Come on, Maria."

"I'll see you later, Detective Malone," Maria said. Then in a whisper, "Give me a few minutes to dump this jerk, Boney. Then meet me downstairs." She followed Dick out of the police station. On the stairs Maria stopped for a more than friendly chat with several uniformed policemen she seemed to know well.

At the car Maria said, "Hey. You know it's getting kinda late and I got a lot of work to catch up on, Harry. I'll hitch a ride back to the office. You go ahead on down to the docks."

"We could take her back to the office and fuck the shit out of her, Harry," suggested Harry's cock.

"Good idea, doll. You sure you'll be alright?"

"Oh yes. I have some friends in this neighborhood, Harry."

As Harry drove off down 39th Street Maria turned to meet Boney Malone coming out of the precinct. She waved at Boney and together they walked to his Police Car. Boney and Maria drove off in the opposite direction towards Harry's office building on 5 th Avenue. At 7th Avenue and 23rd Street, Harry realized he had forgotten his trusty nickel-plated 38 special with the confusing inscription etched into the receiver that read, "To Louis on your 21st B.Day". As he drove, Harry wondered for the millionth time who Louis was and what was so special about his birthday. At 32nd Street, Harry ran into a traffic jam and it was over an hour before he got to his office.

He opened his office door to find Boney Malone and Maria. Maria was straightening her blouse while Boney buckled his belt. "Hiya, Dick," said Malone.

"Uh. What's going on here?" asked Harry sternly.

"Oh. Detective Malone was nice enough to give me a lift, Harry," she said sweetly.

"Yeah. We had a great ride too, Harry," Malone said with a sneer.

"I forgot something important," replied Harry moving around his desk. "Hey. What this sticky, gooey shit all over my desk?"

"Oh. I musta spilled something, Harry. I'll clean it up," said Maria with a grin. Harry got his prized 38 out of his desk drawer, tucked it into the holster under his left armpit and headed for the door. "Okay. I'll see you later. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he said with a laugh over his shoulder as he left the office just as two uniformed policemen came into the office from the bathroom.

"Next!" exclaimed Malone with a grin.

On the stairs he met the doorman. "Hi, Harry. Is Maria in the office. I have something big she's been wanting."

"Can we hurry up and get this over with, Harry? I wanna get back her and get me some Maria pussy," whispered Harry's cock.

"Oh. Yeah. She's up there cleaning up my desk. She musta spilled something on it or something," replied Harry as he hurried on down the stairs.

"Yeah. Well. I better hurry and get in line cuz that desk is going to get messed up even more," said the doorman under his breath as he hurried up the stair.

Harry jumped in his Packard and drove off toward the docks. He found the warehouse and parked his car. He moved cautiously as he opened the side door and entered. The warehouse was very dark and deserted.

He walked cautiously among the stacked crates examining the shipping documents attached. "Hmm. All this stuff comes from some toy company in Hong Kong," thought Harry as he pried the top off one of the crates. Reaching into the crate, he pulled out a box and shoved it in the pocket of his trench coat without looking at it. He then moved quietly to the rear of the warehouse where he found a small office. Inside the office, Harry found a bill of lading for a trucking company. It appeared that the entire shipment was going later that night to a distributor on the lower east side called "Cindy's Adult Toys". Harry had never heard of the joint, but he would find it and check it out.

Back in the Packard, Harry drove to the distributor's address. The store was open and filled with customers. He went in and looked around. There were a number a very strange but colorful items he didn't really understand. "Hey, Shopkeeper. You think my nephew would like one of these for Christmas?" Harry yelled at the guy behind the counter while holding up a Jelly Double Dong, trying to act nonchalant and as if he knew what he was looking at.

"I don't think so. Not unless he's fucking gay," the shopkeeper snickered. Harry wasn't learning anything here and couldn't think of anything to do but go back to the office. When he opened the office door he found Maria sleeping on his desk, butt naked. "Hey, wake up, baby. I have something to show you." Harry reached in his pocket and pulled out the box he had taken from the crate in the warehouse. "And what are you doing sleeping during office hours?"

"Do you see those knockers and shaved snatch, Harry?" leered Harry's cock.

"Oh. Good morning, Harry. I was just taking a nap. It's been a long, hard day, you know. What do you wanna show me?" Maria said while trying to cover her boobs with her hands.

"I don't know. But this is what they are smuggling. I took if from a crate in the warehouse." Harry opened the box and pulled out a 10 inch red, rubber dildo in the image of an angel. He stared at it. "It fucking looks sorta like a dick," he exclaimed, open mouthed.

"Yeah. It sure does, Harry. Can I have it?"

"No. This is evidence," Harry said as he stuffed the dildo back in the box. "Get your clothes on, baby. We have to go see Boney." Maria pulled her dress on over here head and slipped on her shoes, forgetting her panties.

"Did you see that? I told ya, Harry. She's hot. She wants me. No panties!" Harry's cock whispered gleefully. "She's hot, Harry. She wants it."

In Boney Malone's office at the precinct, Harry showed Boney the dildo. "It looks like a dick, Harry. What the hell is this?" Malone said staring.

"Well, feel it. It's kinda soft and pliable like a real one. Go on. Feel it," said Harry, "It's a very good statue of a dick. But who the hell would want one?"

Maria, standing behind Harry raised her hand as if to say, "ME!"

"I don't wanna feel that thing, Harry. That's fucking gay, you asshole. How many of these things are there, Harry?" asked Malone.

"Not sure. I counted about 40 crates. There must have been a gross in each. That's a lot of fake cock, if you ask me, Boney. And there was an order to move them out tonight. We gotta hurry."

"I bet those fake weenies don't even belong to the Literary Cock Union, either," whined Harry's cock.

"We better get down there and check this out. I'll get a Search Warrant from Judge Crater if anyone can find him. He's been missing for a while, I heard." Malone picked up the phone and dialed.

After a short stop at the courthouse to pick up the Search Warrant Harry, Maria and Malone drove to the warehouse. The snow was falling steadily now. Inside the dark warehouse Malone waved his flashlight around. It was empty except for two crates in one corner. "Yeah. Big case, Harry," Malone commented as he rolled his eyes and walked to the cases. Opening one case, Malone pulled out a box and shown his flashlight on it to read. "Hmm. Madonna Vibrating Dildo."

"I swear, Boney. There were lots more crates. They musta already moved them," Harry whined.

Maria reached in a case and pulled out another box. "Hey. This one is Santa. Wow. Getting off with Christmas. Cool," she grinned, stuffing the box in her purse. "And here's another one. It looks like Jesus Christ. Makes ya feel kinda holy at Christmas time, don't you think?" she said as she stuffed this one in her purse too.

"I don't like this, Harry," moaned Harry's cock, "And just look at the size of those things. Makes ya kinda sick. I can't even imagine anyone wanting something like that in their home."

"Okay. I'm calling in the crime lab. This looks like you really did find something this time, Dick," Malone said opening his cell phone.

"Hey," asked Maria, "What's that? It looks like a cell phone. We don't have those in 1948."

"Yeah. But this is special police issue. Don't you read Dick Tracy?" replied Malone as he punched in the number for the crime lab.

While Harry, Maria and Malone waited around for the crime lab to show up, the three continued examining the contents of the two crates remaining. Inside they found more dildos. They came in every large size and color imaginable. Harry held one up to Malone's flashlight. "What the hell they do with these things?" he wondered.

They found more Santa and Jesus dildos. In addition, there were John the Baptist dildos, a Nutcracker dildo (which Maria really though Harry should have) and a green one that looked like a Christmas tree. "Hey. Look at this one," Harry said holding it up.

"That's not a dildo, Harry. That's a Christmas tree butt plug. Try it. You'll like it," said Maria laughing.

Harry was completely confused. "What do I do with it?"

"You stick it up your ass, silly?"

"Hey. This is a serious investigation. No funny business. Okay?" Harry said sternly. Eventually, Wanda Dyke from the crime lab arrived. "Okay. What you got here?" she asked as she strolled in carrying her case of powders, magnifying glasses and so on. "Hiya, Wanda. Take a look at this, would ya? You ain't gonna believe it," Malone laughed in greeting.

Wanda took the twelve-inch Joseph, Father of Jesus, black, jelly dong from Malone and stared at it. "Hey. I got one just like this. Bought it over at Cindy's Adult Toys. I really like the John The Baptist model too. But, listen," she said confidentially, "Don't use the second wise man. That crown is really prickly."

"Um. You have some of these, Wanda?" Harry stammered.

"No. I got the whole set. Use them all the time. Except for the Christmas tree. That's going a little too far. My girlfriend kinda likes it though."

"What the hell do you use them for?" Harry asked wonderingly.

"Oh, Shit, Harry. You know. The usual thing."

Harry wondered what the usual thing was but after the first smart-ass reply he got with the butt plug, was afraid to ask.

"Yeah, Harry. The usual thing," snickered Harry's cock, rolling his eye as if he knew. "Can we go get some now? I really hate this place. It's like there's too much competition or something."

Wanda looked longingly at all the rubber, jelly, ribbed, veined and smooth dildos. "I think I need to take all these down to the lab for a more through investigation," she said professionally. "Help me pack all this evidence in my van and I'll take them home...I mean downtown."

Confidentially, Harry approached Boney Malone. "Say... um... Boney. What do people really do with these things anyway?" Out of the corner of his eye he saw Maria stuffing six or seven more dildos in her coat pockets.

Malone looked at Harry and started to laugh. "See? Didn't I tell ya you were one dumb son-of-a-bitch, Harry?"

"Hey, Harry. Let's take Maria back to the office and bang her good now the case is solved," whispered Harry's cock.

"Shhhh," whispered Harry as he moved off to help Wanda load up the crates.

"Ya know, Harry. I really like the big, black ones," Wanda said with a husky voice. Harry wondered what the color had to do with anything, but again was afraid to ask. When the van was loaded, Wanda peeled out on the new fallen snow and left rubber all the way down the block. She was obviously in a hurry to complete her part of the investigation.

Jenny Jackson laughed as she leaned against the dumpster across the street. "What the hell are you doing here, Jenny," called Harry.

"Just watching a master at work, Harry. Don't mind me, sweetie," Jenny giggled. "Oh, by the way, Harry. I can tell you what the dildo's are for," she grinned.

Harry crossed the street and Jenny whispered in his ear. "Well that's what I thought, Jenny. I knew these guys were just putting me on," Harry said with a wink. Boney Malone crossed the street and joined Harry and Jenny.

"Hey, Jenny. That was a great scene in Harry's office. You oughta do that more often," he grinned.

"Do what?" asked Harry.

"Never mind, Harry. You would just be lost anyway," Jenny chuckled, pinching his cheek. "Now look, Harry. You need to get over to Cindy's Adult Toys and do like I told you. And hurry before they place gets raided. Okay?"

"And, you, Boney. You need to call the precinct and set up a raid on that place. I'd confiscate all the smuggled stuff. You'll be on the front page of the Times," Jenny said smiling. "And don't forget. I wrote in a big Christmas party for you and the boys from the precinct over at Harry's office later. You really want to be there," Jenny said stifling a laugh.