What Is Cheating?

Disclaimer: Only adults have sex here. Nothing to get freaked over. This is a semi-serious semi-humorous essay, I hope.

***** DON'T CHEAT YOUR MEAT *****

Hi there. I am a normal guy, and I like to fuck.

Jeez, I love a good fuck! Don't you? Yeah, a good fuck, mmmm. I hear some guys say there are no bad fucks, that even the most miserable fuck is better than no fuck.

Reality: I have experienced some fucks that in retrospect I should have avoided.

Some were because the woman was just physically impossible. One cunt was too dry and tight to fit into. Another was so hugely stretched-out that my cock never hit the walls. One mound was covered in rough stubble that rasped me raw. And do NOT even get me started on pubic lice and fleas. That's not how I want to be eaten.

Some women were emotionally impossible. Complaining about ex'es, or comparing me (unfavorably) to ex'es, or just generally whining. Jeez, I pounded away for almost two hours, and you STILL ain't cum yet? Gimme a break, babe, and quit whining!

Some women were dangerous to be around. Some were accident-prone, sure. Hey Velma, be careful with that butcher knife! Others had violent husbands or lovers. I have had to sneak out of more than one window. But I have survived. So far, anyway.

And some fucks just tore apart relationships. Sometimes I cared, sometimes not. Like with Lindy, who quit dating me when she caught me dog-fucking her hot MILF mother. Sure, I missed Lindy for awhile, but her mom sure knew some neat tricks.

Relationship-busting fucks are usually related to cheats. So, let's talk cheating.

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Have you ever had this discussion with your significant other?

You are talking quietly, intimately. Maybe you are in bed, in post-coital bliss; or sitting at the table over a leisurely meal and respectable wine; or driving down the highway, just the two of you, talking the miles away.

You both talk about your love, your commitment -- maybe not directly, but those are the implications of your chat. Maybe you mention old friends and lovers from before you joined your current living relationship.

Maybe you both knew some of the other's prior people, maybe not. Maybe you two subtly compare ex'es. Maybe you talk about who and what you have given up, in order to be where you are now. Better talk nice, now!

And then, the moment. THE moment. One or both of you say something like, "You're the only one for me. I've never cheated on you, not since we've been together" (or since we got engaged, or married, or whatever).

Maybe someone says, "Well, I've had some offers." And maybe you talk a bit about those. Yeah, talk nice.

Then, the big one: "I'll never cheat on you, never ever I swear." Spoken with conviction, apparently.

And maybe one or both of you is quietly thinking, "Hmmm, what do I mean by cheating?"

You think of reports you have read from countries where it is not remarkable nor uncommon for men of means to support a mistress or three, nor for women of means to maintain gigolos. Even concubinage comes into play. Spoken "wedding vows" are tacitly understood to contain loopholes. It is just customary. Is it cheating?

Some cultures quietly accept and expect everyone to fuck around. Is it cheating?

You think of tales you have read about folks who explicitly or implicitly tell their partners, "Go on, fuck'em, just do (or don't) tell me all about it later." Maybe the rule is, "Don't do anything behind my back that you wouldn't do in front of me," and maybe it isn't. Do these rules define acceptable cheating? Is it cheating if permission has been given? Is it cheating if it is expected but unannounced?

Such marriages may seem like games. Is 'cheating' just another proper game move?

You read about the rewards of power. People seek rewards for accomplishment, and for getting and keeping power. What are the rewards? More power, and money, and recognition -- and access to sex. Why bother accomplishing anything if you do not get more sex? If promiscuity is the natural reward of power, is it cheating?

At least one slimy politician has said, "Power is the greatest aphrodisiac."

You think of a former president who engaged in manual and oral sexual acts in his very office, and who said with conviction, "I have never had sex with that woman," because his dick was not inside her wet cunt. Was he cheating? Well, his wife did not go all BTB (Burn The Bastard) on him, nor file for divorce, nor denounce him. So, in their marriage, it was NOT cheating, not at a toxic level at least.

USA voters knew he was a horndog, and elected him repeatedly anyway. So who cares?

At least one prior president reportedly had bimbos by the dozen delivered for drug-drenched fuckfests kept quiet by the media and guarded by the Secret Service. If the press and your official security squad cover for you, is it cheating?

Maybe other presidents have been just as active, but were better at keeping quiet.

You have read about gender patterns, how men have evolutionary wiring that drives them to impregnate every available female, and how women 'naturally' gravitate toward strong protective men. Is it just genetic law that people take these roles?

But human females are just as hot and horny as human males, being "in heat" all year round, unlike other mammals. Should we just accept that people naturally want to screw around? Are our vows of exclusivity pointless?

Maybe no rational person should expect their partner(s) to be sexually exclusive, not unless they are physically together 24/7. It does not matter if the partner is repulsive -- even ugly degenerate misfits can and do get laid on the side.

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What is cheating? Why is it cheating? Can humans even live without cheating?

Tough questions. Even "what is cheating?" is problematic. In some theologies, just thinking about committing a sin is itself sinful, so thinking about cheating is cheating. How is *that* for guilt? Religions know that sexual guilt is great for controlling people. "Get'em by the balls, and their hearts and minds will follow."

If we do not immerse ourselves in such guilt trips, we can arbitrarily draw lines at various points. Is touchless flirting a cheat? Non-erogenous-zone touching? Kissing cheeks? Kissing lips? Frenching, with any amount of tongue? Kissing near or on nipples? Mutual masturbation, finger-fucking? Oral-genital contact? Butt-fucking? Tit-fucking? Anything short of PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) penetration?

How about chatrooms, or sexting, or phone sex, or love letters, or teledildonics - all touchless. Are these communications innocent or guilty? Are no-contact fucks okay?

Maybe you draw a different line. If the sex is free, just for fun, it is cheating. If it is paid for, it is just a business transaction. Unpaid lovers and fucktoys are not like whores, right? Business is business, right?

Such business is universal. Even female butterflies prostitute themselves for nectar.

How about an excuse that is so common in adulterous fiction? "No harm, no foul." It's only cheating if the partner finds out. What the mate doesn't know will not hurt them. Keep it a secret and everything is okay. Yada yada. Or even better: "It's only sex, no emotional involvement, I still love you honey, blah blah blah."

Yeah, sure. Are these just bullshit rationalizations?

One thing is certain: People can and will justify their actions and misdeeds with any comfortable excuse. Homo sapiens is not a rational animal, but a rationalizing beast. Human sexuality is near-infinitely complex, as are rationales for doing whatever the fuck we want. We live to fuck, and we fuck to live, and make excuses.

Do you really know what your partner considers cheating?

Do you really know what YOU consider cheating?

Do you really WANT to know?

Have you ever talked seriously about cheating?

Have you ever talked about just what behaviors would destroy your relationship?

Do you think your relationship, maybe a marriage, is sacred, inviolate? Hah. Read the statistics. In USA, half of all marriages end in divorce. This is nothing new. American divorce rates have ALWAYS been high, dating back to the Pilgrims. No, we cannot say that humans or Americans mate for life. That is a fantasy. Live with it.

If you believe in fidelity, are you naive and childlike, unrealistic?

If you follow your biological imperatives, are you cheating? How?

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Dutch theorist Joham Huizinga called modern humans the species

Homo ludens

, Man the Game-Player. We humans treat life and love and everything else we do as games -- we establish rules and await outcomes. Think of all politics, religion, economics, sports, arts, and sexual play, as being such games, which organize and occupy our time when we are not being productive.

We need not be active players in order to be part of such games. Just watching them and talking about them is also participation. Audiences play the games, too.

If your sex life is a game, what are your rules?

Let's write some samples of rules for various marriage/ partnership / sex games.

GAME 1: Total faithful monogamy (or monotony). Touching or watching another with lust is cheating. Talking lustfully to another is cheating. Thinking is cheating.

GAME 2: Non-invasive monogamy. Dry touching is OK. Talking is OK. Watching is OK. No oral- or genital- or anal- sexual contact. Swapping body fluids is cheating.

GAME 3: Honesty, open communication. Any kind of sexual contact with another is OK so long as you tell your partner everything. Lying and withholding are cheating.

GAME 4: Joint participation. Any kind of sexual contact with another is OK so long as your partner is involved, preferably physically present. Hiding is cheating.

GAME 5: Open relationship. Anything goes with anybody, so long as you eventually return to your partner, and don't bring home any diseases. Infection is cheating.

GAME 6: Polyamory. Your cohort of sexual partners goes beyond one-man-one-woman. Mating, childrearing, and rulemaking are collective acts. Cheating is negotiable.

GAME 7: Deception, deceit. Prohibited sexual contact must remain secret. Excuses: "No fault, no foul." "It's only sex." "I won't leave you." Cheating is cheating.

GAME 8: Resigned acquiescence. "I'm going to fuck who-where-when I want. You can either live with that, or get the hell out, you gutless wimp." Cheating is normal.

GAME 9: BTB (Burn The Bitch / Bastard). Discovering prohibited sexual contact will incite "the nuclear option", destroying the cheater's life. Cheating is toxic.

GAME 10: Don't Ask, Don't Tell. When together, you are exclusive. When separated by necessity, fuck whom you will, discretely. Cheating and fidelity are transient.

GAME 11: Conquistador. Every competition has winners and losers. To the winner, go the spoils. You deserve only as much sex as you can win. Cheating is conquest.

GAME 12: No-fault default. You mumbled some wedding vows but do not remember them. You just go on with life, not thinking about tedious old rules. Cheating is what?

GAME 13: Let's Do It Again. Once you start cheating, you keep doing it, over and over. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheating is repetitive, compulsive, fun.

GAME 14: Commercial exception. Abide by rules of one or more of the above games, except when paying for sex. Hookers and gigolos do not count. Cheating is exempt.

GAME 15: Amnesty. Mostly abide by rules of any of these games, but when caught, confess; beg for and receive absolution. Then cheat again. Cheating is forgiven.

GAME 16: Sexual anarchy. There are no imposed rules, no established relationships, only casual sex. Do what you will, but be responsible. Cheating is irrelevant.

Such games may have secondary rules based on factors like these.

STRIKES: How many infractions may occur before the relationship is dead?

EXCEPTIONS: Do you get wild cards for specific people or situations?

PENALTIES: Do you have an understanding of the rule-breaking cost?

RIGIDITY: How flexible are the rules? Is forgiveness possible?

EVOLUTION: Do you change your rules over time? Willingly?

SPIRITUALITY: Are your rules shaped by mystic magic?

Those are not the only possible games and rules. How about you write your own?

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Ah, rules. Do you live your life according to rules you have invented or accepted? Do you even think about your relationship rules? If you do, do you get headaches?

Ah, if only life had simple rules, set in stone, that we don't gotta think about!

We have such rules. They are called religion, or morals, or three-strikes-laws, or normalcy. They are a Procrustean Bed of sexuality. We get cut or stretched to fit.

Consider: human brains are the most complex physical objects known. The humungous number of neurons and linkages generate a near-infinity of thoughts and attitudes and behaviors. So, human sexuality, and all other aspects of life, are infinitely complex and perturbing and dangerous. (And you thought your life was boring!)

Simple rules just cannot deal with this reality, especially rules imposed on us.

So, we break rules. We cheat. We are not

Homo ludens

, Man the Game-Player. We are

Homo fraudens

, Man the Cheater. It's who we are. Live with it.

Some people have a hard time wrapping their heads around this. They demand simple rules, even if they cannot abide by them. They demand zero tolerance for anything they consider a transgression, especially if they are not personally involved. (Yes, meddling is easy, and so much fun!) I suspect such folks do not deal well with changing societies and social norms.

Other folks do not bother with human rules. We usually call them sociopaths. Urg.

Most of us live somewhere between those extremes. We just try to get along.

And many of us find ourselves caught in a crunch between our behaviors and our rules, especially when some rules are contradictory. Can you balance between opposing absurdities? Does the tension drive you nutz? Do you have ulcers?

Back to games, and rules. The basic rule is, if you want to play a game, you must abide by its rules. If you don't like the rules, you have options:

* Change your attitude; play by the rules.

* Cheat, and try not to get caught.

* Fuck it all -- quit the game.

If you quit that specific game, you have other options:

* Do not play games.

* Play different games.

* Invent your own game(s).

Remember, playing games is usually much more fun than working. And getting laid usually requires some game-playing. Opt out of the sexuality game and you become a hermit, hey? Then you are totally flushed out of the human gene pool. Game over.

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Holy shit, yes I love to fuck! I will admit that I have not always been honest or nice, in order to get fucked. I have lied, cheated, and stolen, to get fucked. I have broken promises, to get fucked. I have worn funny clothes, to get fucked.

But my own basic rule has been: Do not be hurtful. I do not insult those I have fucked. Not even my first wife. I do not inflict violence or pain, physical or mental. Well, maybe just a little mental...

But I try to not be an asshole. I try to be what I think of as a "nice guy".

I am not always nice. I fucked my best friend's girl more than once. He found out. He was pissed. He wanted to throw me out a fifth-floor window. I talked him out of it. We stayed friends. Soon afterwards, he died stupidly, and I got to fuck his girl all I wanted. We were rewarded for cheating. So much for karmic justice, hey?

Later, a different best friend fucked my first wife. I did not really care -- our marriage had pretty much unraveled by then anyway. We divorced calmly. He married her, and I had to pay no alimony. I was rewarded for her cheating. Karmic justice?

Life was interesting before the divorce. I juggled living and loving arrangements -- my first wife in our flat, some girlfriends with their own apartments, and some schoolgirls who lived at home. They all knew I was not exclusive. So I did not really 'cheat' on any of them. I was just their available lover, sometimes for threesomes.

I tell myself I was not cheating then. Am I deceiving myself?

Was I a cheater? I did not think of myself as such. Am I a cheater now? No, I have never strayed from my current wife. Am I more moral now? Not necessarily - my current wife keeps me alive and would exercise the "nuclear option" if I screwed around. I don't want to die, just for an out-of-house fuck. Monotony is survival.

Was I ever a cheater? That depends on the rules. Yeah, I guess I was.

Are you normal? Then you probably are or have been a cheater. Welcome to the club.

Author's note: Feedback is appreciated. Death threats are not. Please be kind.