Furniture Shopping with a Hooer

Don't get me wrong I'm a girl who loves shopping, but furniture shopping is by no means my favorite activity. I hate those giant, furniture warehouse showrooms, full of odd-looking furniture. Worst of all they always have overly pushy commissioned salespeople hungry to sell you anything they can. Unfortunately, as a prostitute, I've found regularly replacing ruined bedroom furnishings comes with the job. Recently I had to replace a mattress and ended up at one of those stores. I ended up having a little fun with the pushy sales guy. The experience went something like this.

A short guy, in a cheap suit, opened the door of the oversized furniture warehouse store. He beamed with one of those fake sales guy smiles, "Hi I'm Rob, I'll be helping you find what you're looking for today?"

"I want to see your cheapest, queen size mattress," I told him.

Eagerly Rob replied, "Sure thing, I want to show you our mid-level Euro mattress."

I quickly repeated myself, "I just want to see your cheapest, queen size mattress."

Rob looked at me and started in with the sales pitch, "Well I want you to understand Miss. A bad night's sleep can ruin your whole day. A mattress is not a purchase where you want to skimp on price and end up with an inferior product."

I looked at Rob half in disgust, "So can you point me to your cheapest queen size mattress or not?"

Rob groaned with obvious annoyance as he pointed to a plain, simple, mattress pushed off into the corner of the store. The price tag was slightly hidden from view. But I could tell it was what I was looking for. I smiled, "perfect I'll take it."

Rob pressed on with his sales pitch, "That one's kind of squishy and I've got a lot of complaints about that manufacturer."

I repeated myself, "It's perfect, I'll take it."

Annoyed with the unimpressive sale; Rob began to write up the order, "So the mattress will be $150 and we add the warranty that is another $100."

I quickly interrupted, "No warranty, just the mattress!"

In his best sales guy voice, Rob quickly retorted, "The warranty is for 50 days and guarantees..."

I firmly cut him off, "Just the mattress Rob, no warranty, nothing else, just the mattress, can we do this deal or not?"

"Okay, just the mattress," he repeated back. "By the way, do you happen to be in our store system?"

"Yeah, I am in your system," I replied. I gave Rob the number I knew was associated with my store account, suddenly realizing I was about to have some fun.

Rob pulled up my account, "Oh yes, here you are Ms. Kimberly." There was a brief pause from Rob and then, "HOLY SMOKE LADY YOU BUY A LOT OF MATTRESSES!" Are you sure you don't want the warranty?

I grinned, "Rob, let's get this straight, cheap mattress, and no warranty!" "In about a week I'm going to run this mattress ragged with tons of cheap, meaningless, wild monkey sex. To tell you the truth, I'm going to turn so many tricks on this mattress; it's probably not even going to look like a mattress by this time next week. Pee, semen, sex lube, donkey hair, bong water, lip gloss, super glue, stripper glitter, egg yolk, tattoo ink, lemon-lime Kool-Aid, essential oils, non-essential oils, Jell-O, human sweat, non-human sweat, coffee stains, cigarettes, Texas-style guac, and boot polish all void your fancy little $100 warranty. So Rob unless you are willing to ask your boss to give me a refund for my twenty-foot stack of seriously fucked over mattresses, don't bother trying to sell me a mattress with a warranty you and I both know is not worth the paper it is written on." Rob stared at me as his face turned pale and the room went silent. I pointed to the computer and said, "Mattress order?" Rob's head shrunk into his shoulders and he squeamishly turned his head toward the computer and finished typing the order for my new, cheap, mattress. In perfect, street corner, form, I yanked two conveniently worn and crumpled hundred dollar bills from between my tits. I quickly shoved them in Rob's hand. "This should cover it," I announced with a proud smile.

Rob looked at the crumpled bills in his hand with a look of disgust and replied with a shocked sounding, "mhm." I took my change and receipt as Rob loaded the mattress in my pickup. I left the furniture store, with a smirk on my face, slightly reveling in the bit of fun I had at the expense of Rob the pushy commissioned sales rep.