How to Get Laid in Outer Space

Prologue

You won't find any "Don't Panic" encyclopedias, end of the universe restaurant bartenders, laboratory mice, or intelligent fish to help you on your quest to scoring with galactic 3 tongue whores, cock twirling pussy nymphs or a host of other hot green-blooded titanium mining Aliens daughters, but rather this here "How-To" manual shall be your universal source of carnal knowledge in the cosmos.

We expect that after you have practiced alone the techniques described herewith in front of a mirror you will be ready to move on to the next step, namely being to rip out the convenient cloth page and clean the mirror before your wife/mom returns home -- hence you see we have thought of everything, including keeping your wife/mom occupied while you make a fool of yourself masturbating in front of a mirror. The universe as you may have fantasized has hundreds of zillions of able bodied full figured females just looking for some fun noncommittal sex and perhaps to demineralize earth right afterwards, but remember done right the sex is mind-blowing.

Good luck on your journey,

© GratefulFred

Chapter 1 -- Getting outside Earth's gravity

Whereas 99% of intelligent life in the universe has made this jump, most of you Earthlings seem to be grounded only occasionally riding a mere 35000 earthly feet over sea level. The secret has been well known, but unfortunately those who've discovered it were unprepared for space travel. Since this is a beginner's course we will explain the obvious.

The trick is to take your thumb and insert it up your ass and twist. This will shoot your body outside of Earth's atmosphere and land you in a passing spacecraft. I will say this in a language even you Earthlings should understand - Do this only when a spacecraft is in the vicinity. Thus far the tourists maps have not painted a pretty picture of you Earthlings with your constant littering of space with all your naked dead bodies!

Chapter 2 -- First Impressions

Speaking in a foreign language is considered rude behavior once you are on an alien spacecraft. Since all Aliens have mastered telepathy (another simple feat) they will know of your intentions to have sex and will call for the closest female to greet you. If you pull out a condom they will throw you into deep space.

Chapter 3 -- How to get your first interstellar blowjob

Always hold the female Alien's hands while getting your penis sucked. If you forget this vital rule you may discover a thumb up your ass and seconds later it'll get very cold, very suffocating and get you very dead. Aliens can breath in space and they get off seeing how long you can stay hard after life has left your body.

Chapter 4 -- Sex in the City

All female Aliens watch Carrie and the girls on reruns. They know New York and worship everything to do with that show. If you say the words "Mr. Big" and point to yourself, this is a sure fire way to have sex around the clock; shortly afterwards you will arrive to meet the Alien's family and have sex with the Alien's sister; After which the two Alien sisters will have a terrible fight; Afterwards you will be their dinner; use this tactic if you are suffering from some life threatening illness or don't mind shredding a few hundred pounds.

Chapter 5 -- How to squeeze four tits with two hands

Don't! Female Alien's tits have minds of their own. If you squeeze two and neglect two you may discover your arms have left their sockets. You can rub your body on top but do not show any favoritism. Naturally anyone who thinks they can lick one Alien nipple at a time deserves the beheading.

Chapter 6 -- Penetration and the Venus Fly Trap Theory

Facts are you earthlings have small sexual equipment and without this vital advice you will last perhaps a second if something like a commercial for "Sex in the City" shows up. Use your arm. Stick it inside all the way in an out-out motion. If you do a good job the Alien will scream out in delight and you will feel your arm dissolved away in burning vaginal acid. Try and relax as Aliens do have the technology to grow your arm back save it will now resemble a long penis.

Chapter 7 -- Giving a Female Alien Oral Sex

Ok penis head -- reread last chapter.

Chapter 8 -- Returning Home

Should any of you wish to return to the boring Earthly way of life just twist your thumb in your ass in the opposite direction while crisscrossing the Milky Way Galaxy. Also do remember if you've had a lot of experience fucking Alien's you may discover that going home may no longer be an option but you'll have a lifetime of being able to give yourself anal sex.