"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but your thighs are so delightful. She has no place to go, let her blow, let her blow, let her blow."
I caught a bit of the holiday spirit on the way to the mall and began humming the Christmas song while driving down the highway. Somewhere along the way I changed the words a bit and laughed.
Don't I wish! I mean, my secretary was a cutie, and yes, she would have made an excellent partner in the sack. But there was a little problem: I was married with three children, and the little woman at home frowned upon marital transgressions. I know that for a fact, because it wasn't all that long ago that she caught me in the act.
That was not a pretty scene. After some time and counseling, we mended fences, but I got the ultimatum: even flirting with another woman was cause for her to give me the pink slip, kissing her, my kids, our house and most of our bank account, goodbye.
I took those words to heart, and have been a model husband for more than half a decade.
Then there are guys like Artie, a manager in the Accounting Department at the company where I'm employed. On the outside he's a pleasant enough guy in his early 30s with a wife and two lovely children. Behind the scenes, though, he's a wolf. A certifiable louse.
He's strayed more times than a barnyard cat, and somehow has never been caught.
I thought of this while driving to the mall, and given my past history, decided to ask him how he does it. I didn't think he would answer, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
So I did.
Much to my surprise, Artie was agreeable, and over a few beers at our local Irish pub, we spoke about the ins and outs, so to speak, of cheating on one's spouse. What follows are his frank answers to my probing questions.
Q: We've talked in the past about some of your, well, dalliances, and I wondered if you could answer a few questions, anonymously, of course.
A: Ask away!
Q: Do you love your wife?
A: Of course. She's a darling, the mother of my children, and a great friend too.
Q: Then why...?
A: (Interrupting) Why do I, uh, stray?
Q: Uh huh.
A: That's a complicated question. Probably something for a psychologist or psychiatrist to probe. But if you drill down and look for an answer, I'd say it's the excitement. The thrill of the conquest. The danger.
Q: Life on the wild side, eh?
A: Yes. I think that's it.
Q: Do you fear being caught, being found out?
A: Of course I do. I think about it all the time. But something happens when I smell the challenge of a conquest, and, stuff happens.
Q: Often?
A: Guess that depends on your definition of often.
Q: Okay. Give me a number, then. You've been married about 8 years, right? How many, uh, liaisons, have your had?
A: (After some thought) There have been nine women since I got married, but three of them I knew before Julie and I were married and we sort of got together again for little flings after my marriage.
