Affairs for Dummies

People who preach monogamy are always saying that affairs ruin marriages.

I'm here to tell you they don't, not by themselves anyway.

Depending on the reason for the affair, stepping outside the house can actually hold a marriage together. Both people are happy; who cares where the happiness is coming from? However, poorly managed affairs can indeed ruin a marriage. So, here is my manual to having your cake and eating it too, affectionately called "Affairs for Dummies." NOTE: These rules are not arranged in any particular order; just written down as I come up with them.

Rule #1: Make sure you know why you want the affair.

If it's love or affection you're looking for, get a divorce. Now. If your emotional needs are not being filled at home, your life will be a nightmare. Emotional attachment is what will make you want to spend inordinate and suspicious amounts of time away from the home and with the other person, and that's how people get caught. Emotions also tend to make us complacent, and we don't cover our tracks as well. If you are simply not getting any physical action, then this guide is for you. If your relationship lacks emotionally, you may need professional help. In more ways than one.

Rule #2: Never have someone lie to cover your tracks.

There's a joke that goes like this: "A married woman went out for the evening. When she didn't come home at a reasonable time, he called all of her friends, but none of them had seen her. When she came home the next morning, she explained that she had been at a different friend's house. Some time later, he goes out for the night. When he didn't come home, she called all his friends. Eight said he had been at their house, and three said he was still there."

Gender bias aside, if you ask someone to lie for you once, they could very well assume they need to do that all the time. If it doesn't get you busted outright, it will draw a *lot* of suspicion to you.

Rule #3: Have affairs.

That's right; I said "affairs," plural. Having more than one piece on the side goes a great way in keeping things at a platonic simmer without emotionally boiling over. If one of your extras decides they want more than you can give them, let them have it.

With somebody else.

Needless to say, having multiple sex partners increases your risk of being exposed to STDs, not to mention that nasty pregnancy bug, so use condoms, but keep in mind...

Rule #4: Never pay for anything with a credit card that your spouse has access to.

All your spouse has to do is beat you to the mail one day and look at the bank statement; next thing you know, you're getting the third degree about a $90 charge to the local Holiday Inn.

Actually, never pay for anything with a credit or debit card period, for that matter. Receipts tend to fall out of pockets, and if you pay for things with a card, your name is on that receipt. Spouse finds that... Just use an ATM.

Rule #5: Use the Internet.

The anonymity of the Internet is a great shield that protects you from the possible downfalls that could occur with someone you meet in a public place. For instance, let's say you and your spouse frequent a certain social spot together. During one of your solo visits there, you meet someone and start an affair. You have just placed yourself in the danger zone, because even *if* the other person knows you're married, they may still walk up to you and speak when you're with your spouse. Needless to say, that can spark a conflagration right then and there.

Just remember Rule #4 if you find yourself paying for any dating sites.

Rule #6: Make the first meeting a medium between public and hidden.

If you can, meet in a park somewhere. There's likely to be enough space for you and your companion to meet unnoticed, plus you might even be able to talk them into the woods so you can get some right then and there. Failing that, meet somewhere where there are so many people that you can get lost in the crowd, like a mall or supermarket.

Rule #7: Learn your spouse inside and out.

If you're going to have an affair, you need to know your spouse's behaviors. You need to know where they are every minute of every day. If they go to lunch outside the home or office, you need to know where and when. Nothing quite says "I love you" like being caught by your spouse having a meal with another person that is not the same gender as you. Pretending to be co-workers rarely works in that tight a spot, because people often have at least a basic understanding of what their spouses do for a living and can always quiz you to see how much you know about your "job."

Speaking of co-workers...

Rule #8: Never have an affair with a co-worker.

I personally don't endorse sleeping with co-workers even if you *are* single, and if you physically do the deed at work, then you deserve to get caught. Co-worker sex is bad because: 1) It gives people something to blackmail you with; and 2) if the affair ends, particularly if it ends badly, you still have to deal with that person on a daily basis until one of you finds another place of employment. Of course, if work is the only place you actually have contact with other flesh-and-blood humans, then Rule #9 applies double for you:

Rule #9: Develop additional outlets for your interests and hobbies.

Let's say you enjoy playing computer games; find an Internet café to hang out at. Like to read? Get a library card, preferably more than one if you can. This gives you safe reasons to leave the house. However, this doesn't mean if you come home and sit on the couch until dinnertime that you suddenly start going to the gym for three hours a night. If you're like me, however, and do some kind of daily structured physical activity, then a gym membership will work for you. I wouldn't advise even looking for a 24-hour gym, though; unless you work nights, most spouses will get extremely suspicious of you wanting to go to the gym at 1 in the morning.

And needless to say, make sure you occasionally indulge your newfound interest, instead of always using it as a cover. You never know when your spouse may want to join you, and it helps being able to explain to him or her a little bit about where you've been spending your free time the last few months or so and what you do there.

Rule #10: Meet people who have circumstances conducive to an affair.

This is probably the second-most broken rule in affairs. People chase a prospective affair mate, only to realize that actually getting together is like pulling teeth. If you're married, other married people are almost out of the question; neither of you has a secure place that you can meet up at on a whim, and you both have to work your way out of the house, which two different people are rarely able to do at the same time. Outdoors sex is never a bad thing, but it's risky; nothing says "I love you" quite like coming home with a citation for public indecency because you got caught having sex in public, especially if that sex didn't involve your spouse. Maybe you're lucky enough to have a single friend who knows and accepts your extramarital promiscuity; if so, do everything possible (but within reason) to keep that person happy. I'm not saying you should use people, but the equivalent of a low-cost (or even free) hotel room is nothing to laugh at. (Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.)

Rule #11: Put some distance between you and your affairs, but not too much.

Good affairs are like real estate: location, location, location. Find partners that live a comfortable distance away from where you live and work, but are close enough that visiting them isn't time-prohibitive. A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of time you can "sneak out" on average; less than 25 percent of that time should be spent traveling. Someone who lives between five and 15 minutes from you is a good goal to shoot for.

Rule #12: Anyone who has ever, or who may ever have occasion to, set foot inside your house is OFF LIMITS!

This is the third most-broken rule when it comes to affairs, but it's the one that brings the most disaster, and I'm speaking mostly to the men when I say this. When your wife hires that hot twenty-something babysitter and you have to drive her home at night, and she invites you in? Don't do it. When she's lost a little bit of her pre-marriage figure, and you meet her tight-bodied girlfriends, do you get horny wondering about the things they might be able to do for you that your wife can't? Hands off, look but don't touch. Women tend to be more susceptible to guilt about sleeping with the spouse of one of her associates, so the likelihood that she'll spill the beans to your spouse is leagues higher.

Of course, I'm speaking *mostly* to the men, but that doesn't mean that women are exempt from this rule. In fact, women need to pay even stricter adherence to this rule than men, but for different reasons. Let's say your husband has his buddies over to watch the game one day, and one of the guys ends up taking a little longer than normal in the bathroom. Guess what, ladies? For a woman, that's a guilt trip; for guys, that's bragging rights. You have just become the group's whore; all it takes is for one of the guys to brag about how good Jack's wife is (all without poor Jack knowing, of course) and every other guy in the group will want a piece of you. Don't ask me why; we're just idiots like that, I suppose. And groups of your husband's friends are like Lay's potato chips: you can't have just one. Once they get wind that you gave one of them the goods, you will be faced with a decision: screw them all, or they start singing to your man about how you screwed his best friend.

Now, let's talk about neutral ground: delivery persons, repairers, folks of that sort that come around as part of their profession. Let's just say, people like to work in places where there are extra benefits involved. Nobody has problems with their cable, air conditioning, receives packages or orders take-out every day.

Rule #13: Avoid being seen in public together.

It's too easy for someone that knows you, and more importantly knows that you're married, to walk up on you in public with someone that is not your spouse. Just make sure that the other person understands the need for discretion, which first and foremost involves...

Rule #14: Make sure the person(s) you are having (an) affair(s) with KNOW(S) YOUR MARITAL STATUS!!!

If you're single, say you're single. If you're married, say you're married. If you're an escapee from a polygamist sect, proceed directly to the nearest law enforcement building; nobody wants to get jumped by seven people who all claim to be married to you, especially when they all agree with each other.

And with that, my guide on affairs has almost come to a close, ending with the most important rule of all:

Rule #15: HAVE FUN!!!