How to Buy a Sex Toy - for Men

Author's note: This is for you, anonymous! You asked, you receive! Now you too can know just as much as I know about male masturbatory aids!

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Fap... fap... fap... sigh... fap... fap... sigh... aw, is my poor little baby getting sick of using his hand to jerk off? I'm sorry to hear! What is that you say? You can't get laid? Awww.

But that's okay! Because there's a solution for every problem, and the problem of being plain and sick of ordinary jerking off and the secondary problem of being too hideous, fat, picky, drunk, addicted to video games, busy, only attracted to Asian hermaphrodites, wearing ugly plaid, nocturnal, sparkly, married to someone who doesn't put out, or gay to find a woman is a problem experienced by many men currently among the living. Because let's face it: either she's too picky, you're too picky, or a myriad of other things all cumulating in an essay on human sexuality, which wasn't why you came here.

You wanted to get off.

And you're sick of using your hand!

The personal topic of male masturbation is one experienced by likely many who visit this site, searching stimulation amidst the masses of literary works and quick to the point stroke-fics cluttering up Literotica. It's just you, your hand, and a bottle of lube. You know how to get satisfaction! But it's just not satisfying anymore!

BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE you just need a sex toy, that's all! As great as Rosie Palmer and her five sexy daughters are, there's only one thing left to do.

HOW TO BUY YOUR FIRST SEX TOY—for men experiencing ennui, horniness, or a critical lack of a partner, or of course women experiencing penis envy. Itching, breaking, weird rashes, or STDs (sarcasm transmitted, duh) may occur. Use at your own risk.

Let's face it. Sex toys are a primarily female-centric industry. There are dildos coming out of the sex toy industry's fucking ass, and if you want something that looks like a disembodied penis that vibrates, well, you can throw a crappy porno DVD and hit twelve. This is because women have a lot harder of a time reaching orgasm, or perhaps because the male creators of sex toys have this strange fetish for vibrating disembodied cocks thrusting faster and faster into female pussies.

If you wanted a dildo, you won't have a problem.

Male sex toys are a bit more elusive.

STEP ONE - determine that this is what you want. Have you been fapping your penis raw? Have you jerked it so many times that there are finger shaped indentations in your cock? Does it take you three hours of masturbation just to come? Have you watched and downloaded every single bit of free porn available on the internet and you still can't reach satisfaction? Are you just plain and simply unsatisfied with your life?

Weigh the pros and cons. On one hand, you may need a male masturbatory aid. On the other hand, you may simply be experiencing ennui and wanderlust due to your midlife crisis. Maybe you just need a new job.

If your hand just isn't doing it and you're sure this is not because you're gay and not because you really, really want to bang a good looking woman, move on to...

STEP TWO - analysis your funds. If you are currently experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction due to the crickets in your piggybank and bats flying around in your bank account, you may not wish to dump several thousand dollars on the gold plated prostate vibrator. You can get a bullet vibe for a few bucks; you can get something to insert up your ass for a similarly cheap price. You can also spend absurd amounts of money on a really expensive ass toy.

The most well known male masturbation aid retails for approximately sixty-five dollars. If you want quality, you're going to be looking at the range between fifty to a hundred dollars.

Do you want your cock to enjoy the best? OF COURSE YOU DO. Can you afford a few thousand dollars on a masturbation machine? PROBABLY NOT. Would you rather buy a car? PROBABLY.

STEP THREE - Acquaint yourself with the various models of male sex toys on the market. You're going to find the following: artificial vaginas, artificial arses, artificial mouths, artificial hands, artificial OH GOD WHAT IS THATs, artificial inflatable women, and artificial things covered in fur and spikes. You will also find a wide variety of prostate massagers, buttplugs, and anal vibrators. Then there are the cock rings: either they vibrate or they don't. There is a significantly smaller array of male masturbators, as for the most part, your hand cannot be replaced and costs absolutely nothing.

The first category, artificial somethings, all have one thing in common: they're designed for you to thrust your hard throbbing cock in and out of repeatedly until you reach orgasm. One toy alone dominates this market: the Fleshlight. If you want cheap, you can always go the jar of peanut butter route. If you want a quality and lasting artificial something to thrust into, you're probably going to go the route of the Fleshlight.

There are, of course, other options. You can buy a silicone ass, a silicone face, a silicone stimulation of a real woman, a blow-up doll... take your pick. In the end, they're all intended for you to insert yourself into and repeatedly thrust until you reach orgasm.

One of the major deciding points in an artificial something should be how easily it can be cleaned. There are single use pocket pussies, and there are some that come apart to be easily cleaned post-orgasm. Do you want a one use novelty that looks like a take-out ramen container, or do you want something that can be reused and won't be filled with crusty dried sperm next time you indulge in a night of porn, lube, and tissue paper? It's the difference between your hand, a sock, and a condom.

Another deciding point should be, of course, transportability and discretion. The infamous Fleshlight is modeled to look like a flashlight. A real, modeled after life sex doll is not going to be so discreet. Do you want something that can be chucked into the back of your car for a camping trip without looking like you're kidnapping a rather sullen hooker? Or can you have Miss Blowmeup in your closet and feel safe that no one will ever knowwww?

Materials don't really matter quite so much in the realm of artificial pussies. Everything is likely to be made out of silicone. You won't find glass or metal here (ouch!), and you don't really have much choice. Go with silicone over the dubious 'jelly', which reminds me of the can't-hold'm toys from my childhood. Almost everything you encounter worth buying will be silicone. Do you want to thrust your quiveringly hard cock into a dubious blend of chemicals? Probably not! Go with the tried, tested, and true.

The second category of male sexual aids is of course, anal. Anal toys will not make you gay. Repeat after me: IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU GAY. A good prostate toy will add a whole new dimension to your orgasms.

Anal sex toys all have something in common: they have the weirdest names on the planet. MANGASM. Well, you wanted to mangasm all over the place anyway, right?

Make sure everything you get to stick up your tight little ass has a base, so that it won't vanish up your tight little ass. Sodomy is a fairly common household accident, if the ER has anything to say about it—and you really don't want to be rushing over to the hospital because a huge black dildo just vanished up your ass. Really, it'll be embarrassing. Toys intended for anal use will have a flared base, to keep them from disappearing. Do not just sit on a dildo. It will disappear.

Many ass toys for men will also include a ring on the end so that you can easily control its movements. Look for a toy with these features for usability.

Your options here include toys that vibrate, and toys that do not. This is a personal preference, and if you want something that vibrates, keep in mind that your options are significantly smaller than that of the female audience buying things that vibrate. Check out whether or not your toy will be rechargeable, and if not, what batteries will it require?

Otherwise, you have the choice of beads and buttplugs. Size isn't everything. Start small before working your way up to the massive, soda can wide plug with a massive flare. You don't want to hurt yourself. Hurting yourself will remove the fun.

If you get a silicone ass toy, do not use silicone based lube. Before inserting anything up your ass, involve copious amounts of lube. If there is any blood, you did not use enough lube. There should not be blood.

Again, silicone is probably your best choice for material. You want something that can be sanitized. There are also metal and glass anal toys available, and depending on your preferences, you may enjoy the solid feel of something metal in your ass. Whatever you pick, make sure it can be cleaned, and if not, pop on a condom. Especially with something that's going up your arse, you want to make sure that it'll come clean. If the sight of shit will bother you, definitely slide on a condom before any insertion play.

The third category of male sex toys is of course, things that go on your cock for sex. If you have a partner, a cock ring might be a valuable investment. But vibrating cock rings are more for her pleasure than yours. If you just want to jerk it, go with a pocket pussy, a prostate massager, or a combination.

There is of course, option four: buy a female sex toy. A vibrating bullet or egg can be used on the head of your penis, or held in your hand while you jerk it. Nothing says you can't use a penis shaped vibrator to vibrate yourself intimately if you want! And a Hitachi Magic Wand can be used by anyone, plus have the bonus side effect of being usable on a potential partner later.

There are a lot less creepy male sex toys out there, so chances are you won't run into the really, really weird ones unless you try (Baby Jesus plug, hairy toothy masturbator, etc) so check out the reviews, and buy the one you think will suit you best. Cheaper is not always better, but neither is expensive. You don't need a full life-sized doll to get off.

STEP FOUR - go and buy your sex toy!

Either hop down to a porn store, or hop onto the internet! If you want discretion, the internet is the way to go. You can shop around and find decent sales, and most adult stores will ship discreetly. Heading down to an adult store may be the more embarrassing route, but you can also pick up other interesting accessories while you're there. You do, after all, want something to provide visual stimulation too, right?

The people who work in adult stores have seen it all, so brace yourself and head on down with your dollars and a budget. They can answer questions and will probably be able to direct you to a toy in your budget. If you're shy, hit the internet. Pick your toy, pick some lube, sweet talk Rosie Palmer into sharing for one night, and get back on Literotica for the self love of your dreams!

And for the love of donuts, don't forget the lube!