Unity and Destiny

Javier rolled over, but Esther wasn't there. He opened his eyes and blinked in the morning light. She usually woke first, so she was probably getting breakfast now. Javier hoped she'd at least slept well. He was worried about her.

He got dressed and headed down towards the other cabins. Strangely, his car was missing. Nicola must've borrowed it for errands, though she generally took the truck unless it needed maintenance.

He peeked in the dining cabin, but it was empty. He knocked on the outhouse, and got a belated response from Kat. The bath cabin was empty.

Could Esther have decided to go with Mark and Selena that morning? That probably would do her good, but surely she would've told him. Maybe she'd gone on errands with Nicola. But she'd seemed so out of sorts last night.

When he walked past the other cabin, Nicola came out, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Javier stopped, baffled.

"Nicola," he stammered. "Where—where's Esther? Did she take the car?"

Nicola stared at him, then closed her eyes.

"I can't hear anything," she said. "She's not near, unless she's hiding herself carefully. But, no, the car—you're right, she must have taken it. Where could she have gone? Did she say anything?"

"She must have had a reason," Javier said, starting to panic. "She must have."

"Let's think," Nicola said. "Did she leave a note? Anything?"

They split up to search, and a minute later Nicola called to him.

She was sitting at the dining table, staring at a note.

Javier,

Please don't worry. I have to sort something out in my head. I promise I'll be back.

-Esther.

"Does that make you feel any better?" Nicola asked, and Javier shook his head.

"Me neither."

"Wait," Javier said. "Do we know when she left? When did you get up?"

"A few minutes before you," said Nicola. "I didn't hear anything. Which is strange, now that I think of it. The car probably should have woken me up."

"I'm going after her," Javier said, heart pounding. "At least to the gas station. The truck's faster than my car on the dirt road."

Nicola nodded, jumping up quickly. "I'm coming with you."

She ran outside, yelling surprisingly loudly. "Kat! Esther's gone! We're going after her."

He let Nicola drive. This was no time for ego. Sure enough, she took the road at a speed he never would have attempted. He held on to the door as they slammed and bounced over potholes.

"Wait," Javier said. "We should have checked the computer. The sensors on the road. It's all logged."

"Too late," Nicola said, swerving slightly to avoid a rock. "Let's hope we catch her."

But they made it to the gas station without seeing her. They looked at the tiny convenience store.

"There was three quarters of a tank," said Javier. "No real need for her to stop. But I guess we should check."

"Let me handle this," Nicola said. "You look way too freaked out. Just stand behind me and look mildly concerned."

He followed her to the counter. The guy smiled at her, likely recognizing her or the truck. Nicola still did most of the shopping, and she stopped at this place for gas often enough.

"Hi," she said. "We're actually looking for a friend of ours. Maybe she stopped by here earlier, or maybe you saw her drive by?" She described Esther and the car.

He scratched his head. "Can't say I saw her. Only two people by this morning. But we don't open until seven thirty. And there's enough traffic these days, I doubt I'd remember if she drove past."

"That's still helpful. Thanks!"

"On to town?" Nicola asked when they returned to the truck.

Javier shook his head. "Can you think of why she'd stop there? She might have gone the other way. 'Going to sort something out in her head.' That sounds like a long drive, or maybe visiting someone, right? Let's make some calls while we're here."

He left a message with Mamá, who probably had an early shift today. Raj hadn't heard from Esther, and neither had Jacob, but they promised to e-mail with any news.

They were in low spirits for the drive back.

"Maybe we're overreacting," said Nicola. "Best case, she really just needed time on her own, and she decided to take a drive. I bet she'll be back later today."

"Yeah," Javier said. "We should try to figure out if she took anything with her. Food, extra clothes, that sort of thing."

They found Kat back at camp, looking nervous.

"No luck?" she asked. "What happened?"

Quickly Javier filled her in, and then they clustered around the computer.

"4:52 AM," he said. "Well, no chance we could have caught her. She must have left just after Mark and Selena. Maybe she told them something."

"I hope so," agreed Nicola.

He went back to his cabin to check on Esther's things while Nicola looked around camp. He wished he had Esther's phenomenal memory. She could have known for sure at a glance.

Esther had never bothered to buy too many sets of clothes. She'd taken her warm jacket, which made sense given the chill that morning. But she hadn't taken a bag, or much if any extra clothing. That must be a good sign. She hadn't meant to be away for a long while.

Javier looked around a bit longer, and suddenly he realized what she'd taken.

Nicola met him on his way out. "She doesn't seem to have had breakfast," she said. "None of the camping gear's missing, or the extra cash."

"No sign she took things for more than a day," said Javier. "But she took a sculpture with her, the one she's been holding so frequently. That must mean something. Has she talked to you about this?"

Nicola shook her head. "I know the one you mean. She was almost possessive of it, wasn't she? She wouldn't let me test my abilities on it."

"She says she can get bits of Abuela's thought patterns out of them," said Javier. "She didn't think Abuela realized that was possible. She's spent so much time this summer with that sculpture during her meditations. It must have to do with that."

Nicola nodded. "Could she be trying to get more information out of it? Maybe she went to Jacob. He would know the most. But no, if she went straight to see him she'd already have been there when we called."

She looked at Kat, who was following their conversation with obvious concern. Nicola seemed to come to a decision.

"Kat, I need to talk to Javier privately. Sorry, I know you're worried too, but this is something Esther didn't want anyone to know."

Kat nodded. "I understand. I'll go flop on my bunk and try not to freak out. Maybe there's something I can think of."

When Kat was gone, Nicola sat across from Javier, taking his hands tightly. She was so much stronger than she looked.

"Early this summer, Esther told me that for months she hadn't reliably been able to reach the otherspace, where she makes progress with her abilities. Did she ever tell you this?"

Javier shook his head. "I knew she was having trouble, but I never realized how serious it was."

"The only times she'd managed it were during eye-popping orgasms, which kind of reset everything for her. But she was convinced she couldn't let that happen anymore, because of something she called the Watch. Apparently it's been a great strain to keep a lookout over all of us, much more than she's let on. The last time she let it lapse, it took over two days to reestablish it, and she said she could never allow that again. Anyway, without meaning to pry, I'm sure all this has done no favors to your sex life. Esther said as much."

Javier sighed. "And she had one of those orgasms last night, didn't she. That's what we felt. She probably lost this Watch and it terrified her. It all makes too much sense: she's been turning herself into a zombie because she's so insistent on keeping us protected, and then she quietly flipped out last night. Why didn't she just explain? Why is she so stubborn? And why is she so worried about watching us? Can't we take care of ourselves a while and give her a rest?"

"I don't know. Maybe she's just too impatient to do for us what Abuela did. And I just realized that might explain the sculpture. Yesterday she confided that she'd found an alternative to her abstract space, some other way to make progress. What if one of Abuela's memories was the key to that? It all fits. She ran away because she couldn't keep her Watch anyway, and now she's trying to recover it with this new method."

Javier frowned. "It isn't like her. She thinks of this as her home, the place she's always most comfortable. Where would she go? She must have known how worried we'd be. And you know how she was. Even before last night, there was something else wrong. This memory of Abuela's, if that's what it is—I don't think it's the magic solution she thinks it is."

Nicola sighed. "You're right. But maybe we just need patience. She wasn't preparing to be gone more than a day. She must be upset, but she isn't helpless. I'm sure she's still fine, wherever she is. Let's try to get through today, and talk to Mark when he gets back."

* * *

Javier wiped the sweat off his brow. The jog back up the road was a lot harder than going down. But he was glad he'd done it.

As he neared the bath cabin, Kat popped out, with wet hair and a huge towel wrapped modestly around her.

"Ack! Fucking cold up here," she said.

"At least you'll dry fast," he said. "No news?"

"No, of course I'd tell you first thing," Kat said, frowning. "I sure hope she's OK."

Lunch was a morose affair. Nicola never really sat down, walking back and forth and picking at snacks. Javier kept going to the computer to check for messages, but of course there was nothing.

After lunch Kat followed him towards his cabin.

"Would company help?" she asked. "Or do you need time alone?"

Javier looked at her. Truthfully, all he wanted was to have someone hold him and tell him everything would be fine.

"Yeah," he said. "And something to talk about aside from Esther. Anything."

A half hour later, they were sitting in chairs across from each other, and Kat was telling him every story she could think of about Grace, occasionally stopping to wipe away tears.

Javier thought it might be hard to listen to, that it would remind him too much of Esther. But it turned out to be what he needed, too. Some stories were funny, some were simple reminiscences, and some were X-rated. Her filters were never very strong in the first place, and it was obviously therapeutic.

"And so I was crouched there, naked, in the closet," said Kat. "The first half hour I was so horny, knowing what would happen when she opened it. But she was just banging around the apartment, and I realized she assumed I wasn't home. And then I got annoyed, because she was ruining my surprise, so I stayed still out of spite. I don't know when she finally opened the door, but the funniest thing was, at first she didn't even notice me. She was looking for something on the top shelf. And then she squeaked and nearly fell over, and it was all almost worth it. Well, it was worth it when I was finally ready again for sex, something like three hours later. I pinned her down and fucked her with my fingers until she screamed. God, she was patient with me sometimes."

There was a long silence, and finally Javier broke it.

"It sounds like you two had really fun sex."

"Yeah," Kat said. "But of course, that was only a piece of it. A nice piece, albeit."

For a minute Javier considered pouring out all his troubles with Esther. But it didn't feel right. Esther wasn't gone. She'd be back tonight. They'd be able to fix all of this, now that it had come to a head.

"She'll be back, Javier," Kat said, putting her hand on his knee. "She loves you more than anything."

He nodded mechanically. "Let's go monkey with the computer. I can't think about any of this."

* * *

"Mark and Selena are coming," Nicola informed them. "God, it's tiring to keep listening this way. No wonder Esther got exhausted."

Javier opened the door and waved at Mark while Selena went to go collapse somewhere.

"Is something wrong?" Mark asked when he walked over. Nicola quickly filled him in on the situation.

"I heard nothing," Mark said. "She was still with Javier when we left. I didn't hear the car, either, though perhaps we were too far already."

"She might have concealed herself," Nicola said. "She's certainly capable of it."

Javier left them to their conversation. Maybe Selena knew something. They'd spent a lot of time in meditations together.

The shower was going, so he knocked on the door.

There was a pause, and then Selena called out.

"Is that you, Javier? Can it wait?"

"It's Esther. She's run away. Drove off all of a sudden, after you left this morning. Do you know anything about it?"

"No," she said. "Javier, we can talk later, but could you please give me space? I can't concentrate on anything with you there."

"Sorry!" he said, quickly moving away. He was a fool to hover outside like this. She was so uncomfortable about her body.

Some time later, Selena poked her head in the dining cabin. She beckoned to Javier, and he joined her outside.

"Too much," she said, walking swiftly. She was taking him to his own cabin, but that was fine. "Everyone is nervous, making too much noise. I'm sorry about earlier. It's a bad day all around for me, but you must be so worried."

"I must be the worst of them," said Javier as he opened the door. "So noisy. And I should have realized how rude that was to talk to you in the shower."

Selena sighed. "Want to know something strange? You aren't so bad to be around. The others move more quietly, aside from Kat, but somehow Mark and Nicola are worse than ordinary people. I've wondered if it's something like Esther's abilities, where she can sense those with Changes more easily than she can other people. Maybe I have a fraction of her skill and it's showing up as yet more noise."

He sat on his bed, and she took a chair opposite. Then he quickly told her the story so far.

"It's been obvious enough how distracted she is," said Selena. "But that was already true when you two first showed up on my doorstep. I thought maybe that's just the way she was. And of course I usually can't read her with anything like the precision I can anyone else."

"Did you notice anything with that particular sculpture? Did she say anything about it?"

Selena nodded. "She's been holding that sculpture during my sessions with her, while she meditates. And the last few times, it was as though the privacy she wraps around herself was getting thinner. There was a lot of busy thinking going on, that's for sure. And—mind you, this isn't anything I would ordinarily say, but she was getting very aroused. If that's helpful. It seemed related to the sculpture."

Javier nodded. He'd noticed, of course, but he knew all the little signs with Esther.

"Wait," he said, suddenly distracted. "You can tell that about people? The way you can read other things?"

She gave him a sympathetic smile. "Yes, Javier. I don't go around advertising it for obvious reasons. I know what you must be thinking, but I've been used to it for ages. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. So I'll let you in on something else: I knew right from the start that you didn't want me here. It was something to do with Esther, and I suspect you were jealous of her time. I can even better understand that now. And here's the thing: you put all that aside and have always been polite to me. The same with whatever other stray thoughts you've had."

"Oh," Javier said, flushing with embarrassment. "I had no idea how transparent we all were. Really, I understand how inappropriate it is, and I would never—"

Selena gave a tired chuckle. "Javier, when you grow up with this ability, you learn how often people are thinking or feeling things without saying them. There are a lot of reasons for that, but trying to present a kinder face to the world is a good one. I value genuine politeness more than most, I have to think. And while I'm on the topic: it's pretty flattering to have a handsome man under half my age looking at me that way. Maybe I don't let anyone near me, but that doesn't mean I'm dead."

Javier smiled faintly. This wasn't the conversation he'd expected tonight, of all times. It was almost as though she'd been looking for a way to make him feel better. And now of course he was trying very hard not to think of the elephant, which never worked at all.

"Thanks," Javier finally said. "That was kind of you to say."

She nodded, rubbing her head. "OK, I think I've got to go meditate until dinner. I hope Esther gets home tonight. I'll be thinking of her."

But dinner came and went with no sign of Esther. Mamá sent word via Raj that she hadn't heard anything either.

Javier lay in his pajamas, staring at the ceiling of his cabin. Esther might call out to him if she was truly in danger. She'd shown she could do that, from hundreds of miles away, even without intending to.

But she must've been in a confused state when she left, and her abilities had probably been weak. And now he had to accept that she wasn't just out on a long drive to clear her head.

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in," he called, and Kat slipped inside.

"I'm really just checking on you," she said. "Hanging in there?"

"Not very well," he admitted.

"Would company help?"

She was wearing an old set of pajamas. No bra, pretty obviously. Just the same as he remembered.

"Yeah," he admitted. When she kicked off her shoes and sat on the bed, he turned off the bedside lamp.

"You sure?" she asked. "You can kick me out any time. I understand completely."

"Just get in bed, Kat," he said. "Please. I'm too tired to argue. If Esther gets back in the middle of the night, she'll be happy you kept me company."

She slid in, and Javier rolled over, an arm on her shoulder. Kat was so much bigger than Esther, but this had its own kind of familiarity.

"I'm so scared," he finally whispered to her. But Kat was already asleep. And soon enough, so was he.

* * *

All their routines were upended the next day. Even Mark stayed near, alternating between short walks into the woods and furious bouts chopping firewood.

When Jacob arrived at dinner, Javier was relieved, if only to have someone else to talk to. Everyone's nerves were on edge, and Nicola looked like she wanted to punch somebody.

"She did ask something about the sculptures," Jacob said after dinner, when Javier and Nicola were the only ones left. "It was a little strange. Let me see if I can recall exactly. She asked if Abuela had once been involved with a group doing rituals outside, ah, naked. She implied it was a memory she was sensing from that sculpture. I told her I remembered no such stories, but that Abuela lived such a long life that it was certainly possible."

"Nothing about where these rituals might have happened?" Nicola asked.

Jacob shook his head. "I'm sorry. I wish I'd asked her more questions at the time."

"You couldn't have known," said Javier.

"You're sure, Jacob? I know your memory isn't as good as it once was. Anything else?"

He looked pained. "The rest of the conversation was simply about her frustrations with her slow progress, but you've already described as much to me. Truly, I wish I were of more help. The only thing I can think of is this: Abuela once told me that at larger distances it was easier for her to sense a group of the Changed than it was to sense any of them individually. There is a possibility that this memory is not something Abuela herself participated in, but rather something she observed from a distance. I don't believe she had left the camp much for many years."

"How large a distance?" Nicola asked.

"She told me once it was like shortwave radio," said Jacob. "Sometimes she sensed a person or event from incredible distances. Other continents, even. But that was rare. Mostly it is as you guessed: reliably within a few hundred miles, and increasingly less so at greater distances."