The Remae of Star Wars

The Cast

Perth

It was good to be back with Nettie again.

Elias hadn't seen Annette Jackson in almost eight months, since they had been at the opening night screening of

Cosmopolitan

, which they had both worked together on for nearly a year. He wanted to hire her for the

Star Wars

project, but had been half afraid that she had taken another job, and he was almost right. After he told her about the

Star Wars

remake, she had congratulated him and hugged him, but then said, "This isn't just a social call, is it? Yew want me to be your AP, don't you?"

"I always hire the best, Nettie," said Elias.

She gave him a sly smile and turned away for a moment. "Unfortunately, I've just been offered the role of Second Unit Producer for

The Castermeres

."

"Yew have?" Elias had heard about it. It was to be a big budget biopic. His heart sank.

"Um hm," said Nettie, idly wiping her kitchen countertop.

"Are yew going to accept it?"

"I was about to," said Nettie, giving him a quick glance.

"Is there anything I can say which would convince yew otherwise?" Elias asked.

"Why, I don't know, Elias, is there?" she said, giving him just the barest hint of a smile.

"I'm only being paid scale, but I could offer yew... scale and a half," said Elias.

"Um hm," said Nettie, still cleaning as she looked up at him. Her eyes seemed to say everything... but what were they saying now?

"Yew would only be answerable to me, of course."

"Of course," she said, with mocking wide eyes.

"And yew would have complete authority, in my name-" he stopped abruptly as Nettie walked right up to him, face to face. Suddenly he felt his pulse race.

"Yew aren't very good at this, are yew, Elias?"

"I guess not," said Elias.

"All yew had to do was ask," said Nettie, looking into his eyes. "That's oll yew ever had to do, Elias."

And Elias, reddening, was suddenly at a loss for words.

********

The next month was spent building sets and interviewing potential cast members. Most modern film sets were rendered holographically, in holographic studios, but Elias desired a more genuine 20th century look, and he wanted actual sets to be built, to better reflect the character of the original film. To his great relief, Quentin Scott, his director, agreed. Nettie got to work with Roger Jackson, his production manager, to produce the sets. Roger and Nettie had the same last name. Nettie liked to joke that Roger and her were brother and sister, separated at birth.

While it was great to have Nettie back at his side, working with Quentin Scott was another experience entirely. They hadn't yet shot a moment of film, and already there was tension between them.

Elias blamed Tom Landry, for not setting a proper chain of command, but perhaps he should have blamed himself, for not getting it spelled out in his contract. He had just assumed that he would be in charge. After all, he had been hired to produce this movie, right?

But Quentin Scott had other ideas. He felt that as the big name director, he should be calling the shots.

Their first disagreements came during casting. Elias, Nettie, Quentin, and Nick Caruso, who was to be Quentin's first AD, saw hundreds of potential Lukes, Hans, and Leias, and dozens of potential Moff Tarkins and Ben Kenobis and C-3PO's. But Elias and Quentin had trouble agreeing on who to hire.

Elias tried to tell himself that Quentin would be the one directing, the one who would have to work closest with the actors, so that Quentin should have a greater say. He had let Quentin have his choice when he hired renown British actor Benedict Emerson to play Obi Wan Kenobi. But Elias had his concerns. Not about Emerson's acting ability--he had been a brilliant actor both on and off the stage. But he had heard rumors that Emerson was an alcoholic, and Elias had concerns about his ability to play a large role on a major film. He had brought his concerns to Quentin, who simply waved a hand dismissively and told him not to worry.

Elias felt more comfortable with Oliver Wendelbrook, another older, established British actor who had been selected to play Grand Moff Tarkin. Wendelbrook was a known actor, and he had that classic "British villain look".

But Elias had real concerns about Quentin's choices for the Luke Skywalker and Han Solo characters. Quentin was leaning towards Bill Bailey, a native Australian who had practically no acting experience. He had once appeared in a cereal commercial. That was the extent of his acting.

"But he looks so much lyke Luke," said Quentin.

Elias had to admit that he did. He had the same kind of face as the actor who originally played Luke Skywalker, all those hundreds of years ago, the same color eyes, and he even had the same bright blonde hair.

"But he has no acting experience," said Elias. He looked over at Nettie, who subtly nodded.

Quentin gave a dismissive wave of the hand. "In the hands of an experienced director, anything can be accomplished. Actors are simply so much clay to be molded."

And because Quentin was the director, and because he had so much confidence, and because Elias respected his judgment, he agreed.

Kurt Mazur was another matter. He was the young German actor who Quentin wanted to play Han Solo. Quentin had to admit that he nailed the part; he even was able to speak in a convincing American accent. Mazur had starred in a biopic of rock star Helmut Wurst a few years ago, and had received critical acclaim. But like the hard charging rock star he portrayed, Mazur had a reputation for drugs and women and partying which interfered with his professional life.

When he raised the subject with Quentin, Quentin just once again gave that trademark wave of his hand. "I can handle him."

And so Elias, who wanted to get along with his director, reluctantly agreed. But in the back of his mind, the first seeds of doubt were planted. Maybe he should have directed as well.

The process of selecting the actress to play Princess Leia only deepened his doubts. They found several young American actresses who Elias thought could play the role. For once Quentin seemed a little indecisive.

"I lyke Judy Steritt," he said, reclining in his chair. "But I am not sure she has what it takes to carry the role."

"Well, then, let's call her back," said Elias. "We can reaudition her, and the other candidates."

Quentin shook his head. "There is no time. I'll call her to my hotel tonight, have her read a few more lines, and then decide."

Elias felt rather than saw the shocked expression on Nettie's face. "No, Quentin," he said firmly.

"No?" said Quentin, as if he were unfamiliar with the word.

"We're not going to audition that way," said Elias. He had approved everything Quentin had wanted, but this was a bridge too far for him. He knew that some filmmakers had casting couches, but not an Elias Martin production.

Quentin looked at him as if he were debating whether to accept this challenge to his authority. Then he nodded and gave a rapid smile. "All right. Let me think about it tonight and we will talk again in the morning. Ok?"

Elias nodded.

********

"Come in, my dear," said Quentin.

Judy Steritt stepped in the door of Quentin's hotel room, feeling more than a little apprehensive. She knew why she was here.

Judy was an American actress. She had played a few bit roles in holodramas, but nothing substantial. To play Princess Leia, even in an Australian version which was unlikely to win the Clitorian's grand prize (for Judy was nothing if not practical), would still be a big boost for her career.

"Sit down, sit down! I won't bite," said Quentin, patting the seat of the sofa besides him.

Judy reluctantly sat down. Quentin offered her a drink, which she eagerly accepted. She needed to relax.

"You're so tense," said Quentin, finding an excuse to rub her shoulders.

Judy gave a nervous smile.

"I'm seriously considering yew for the part of Princess Leia," said Quentin, letting his hands play down her arms. "Are yew up for it?"

Judy said, "I think so."

Quentin looked into her eyes, as a hand started to roam her legs through her pants. "As a Director, I need to knauw that every actor I am working with will have a positive attitude, and be open to new ideas." And when he said "open", his hand gently brushed between her legs. Judy jumped slightly, and he smiled. Quentin moved his head closer to hers, so their lips were almost touching. "Are yew open to new ideas?"

Judy, who found she couldn't speak, simply nodded. Quentin leaned in and gave her a kiss. Judy forced herself to respond.

Quentin pulled back, but didn't look satisfied. "Is that how you're going to kiss Luke Skywalker in the film? Can yew be any more convincing than that?"

Judy knew what he wanted. An acting performance. She reached over, pressed her lips against Quentin, and grinded her lips against his. She moaned as she wrapped her arms around his back.

When she pulled back, Quentin smiled, "Better. Yew had me convinced that yew liked it. Almost." His hands started to play with her breasts through her blue blouse. Judy just watched him with wide eyes.

"These could be a problem," said Quentin casually.

"What? Why?" Judy asked.

"Princess Leia doesn't have such rich, lush breasts," said Quentin. He put a hand under her shirt, under her bra, and started to squeeze her. "Very rich, very lush," he said smiling.

Judy gasped, this time for real. "Is there.... anything I can do to convince yew otherwise?"

"Maybe," said Quentin, casually pulling off her shirt, and tossing aside her bra. He felt himself getting hard as he looked at her rich, creamy breasts. He put his mouth just over a nipple. "If yew can convince me that these are more of an asset than a liability, we might be able to work with them." And then he put his head down, and sampled one of the prospects for himself.

Judy grabbed his head and moaned again, giving the performance of her life. A few minutes later, she was totally nude, her legs spread, and Quentin was vigorously thrusting between her legs. As Quentin's thrusts jolted Judy's body back and forth, she looked at the piece of furniture she was spread-eagled upon, and realized, with a mixture of horror and fascination, that she was literally on a couch.

********

The next day, Quentin told Elias that after further consideration, he had decided to select Judy for the Princess Leia role.

Elias was agreeable. She was a novice actress, but obviously had skill. "What decided it for yew?"

"She has passion for her work, energy, and above all, enthusiasm," said Quentin. "I think she could work out quite well."

For a moment, Nettie looked like she wanted to shoot Quentin in the head. But when Quentin looked at her, she was all smiles.

********

Century City

It didn't take long for Vasily Korotich to fall out of love with Alyssa Guttmacher. He was never

in love

with her; she was not his type, in more ways than one. He knew she was going to be difficult; what he hadn't known was how difficult she was going to be, and how quickly she was going to cause problems.

Vasily didn't really know how much power his new "Executive Producer for Diversity and Inclusion" really had with the studio. But she acted like she had a lot of it, vetoing several cast selections Vasily wanted to make on the grounds that they were not "diverse" enough.

The production had put out a worldwide bulletin, looking for Butarins and Cinemarians to play the part of Luke Skywalker. Butarins had bumps on their foreheads, and Cinemarians had lumps.

After advertising all over the global network for two solid weeks for alien actors to play the role of Luke, they got a grand total of three respondents.

None of them were even remotely capable of acting.

This was not surprising, since there were only a few hundred Butarins and Cinemarians on the entire planet.

Alyssa demanded that they move the casting calls to Butar and Cinemar. Vasily reminded her that by conventional Survey Service travel it would take two months to go to Butar and back to Earth, and three months to make a round trip to Cinemar. There simply wasn't enough time.

"Then you'll have to make do with one of these three," said Alyssa. "Or you'll have to find another member of the Lumpy and Bumpy community to audition for you."

It was right then and there that Vasily decided that Alyssa was going to be not just trouble, but a

fuckload

of trouble.

Miles Fielding, who was the nominal producer, and in reality the eyes and ears of Google Pictures, was too cowed to say anything.

Seated with Vasily was Vadim, his body man, and Olivar Martinez, his first assistant director. Vasily exchanged knowing glances with them both, and then said, "I vill see vat I can do. For now, let us go on."

They cast the Princess Leia character much more easily. Vasily found a talented actress named Stephanie Garlotta who he thought would be perfect for the role. She wasn't a stage actress, and she wasn't a film actress, but rather was a reality holotv actress. She had appeared in "Big House IV", as well as "Big House V" and "Big House VI", and played the critically acclaimed role of "Lima", a drug addicted lesbian hooker, in "Real Porn Stars of Malibu".

She was also tattooed, apparently over nearly every inch of her body except her hands, face, and neck. That didn't matter so much to Vasily since those were the only exposed parts she needed to show. When Stephanie auditioned for the role she nailed it the first time, snarling lines like "Governor Tarkin! I recognized your foul stench when I came aboard!"

Even Alyssa Guttmacher liked her, clapping and saying, "Strong woman! I love strong women! We need strong women like this one!"

And so she was hired.

It also wasn't too difficult to cast the Han Solo character, or, as it was now being called, the Hannah Solo character. They found a traditional stage actress named Celeste Williams who nailed the role in the auditions, providing a credible woman's imitation of Han Solo. If Han Solo had ever been a woman, he would have been just like Celeste, Vasily was sure.

Oscar King was an even more accomplished stage actor who they hired to play the role of Obi Wan Kenobi. Alyssa Guttmacher was a bit distressed that they were hiring a white male for the role, until Vasily reminded her that this was the very first white male they had cast for the film.

"But... what about his sexuality? Or his gender identity?" said Alyssa.

"You can ask heem laterrr," said Vasily.

The next role they cast was Moff Tarkin, and here Alyssa got her way. She had demanded, and Danbert Hines had agreed, that they should cast a gender fluid Ramadan in the role.

Vasily didn't even know what a gender fluid Ramadan was. He knew about people from the planet Ramadan, of course. Many of them worshiped La Quinta, the God of Blood, and their religion had very unusual requirements, especially for women.

But gender fluid? What the fuck was a gender fluid? Was sperm a

gender fluid

, heh heh?

Vasily found out when they did the audition. Only four people showed up. They were all women, and they were all dressed in black from head to toe. All you could see of them were their eyes, behind a horizontal slit in their face mask.

Vasily turned to Alyssa Guttmacher. "You have got to be making leetle joke."

"What do you mean?"

"Ve are casting a senior military ledar," said Vasily. "Ve cannot cast vimen wearing black ting."

"That's because you are so wedded to the white, male, western icon of a military leader," said Alyssa Guttmacher. "Part of the purpose of diverse casting is to open your eyes, and the eyes of the public, to other possibilities."

"But... will vimen we cast be able to wear Imperial uniforrrm?" Vasily asked.

"Of course not! And don't call them women. That's very insulting. They are gender fluid," said Alyssa.

"Vat mean?" Vasily asked.

"It means their gender fluctuates. At some moments they are female. At others they are male."

"Vat happens to tits when they become male?" Vasily asked.

Alyssa frowned. "Tits, as you so disrespectfully call them, do not 'go away'. But gender is a construct. A female may have breasts. A female may have a penis. A female may have both, or neither."

"I am verrry confused," said Vasily. "Are you saying that these geerrls have deecks in theirrr pants?"

"They are not called girls, Vasily. Please refer to each one as 'they' or 'them'."

"And you vant me to hirrrre one of them-them to play Tarkin? Dressed up in black sheet?"

"To respect the traditions of La Quinta, the God of Blood," said Alyssa.

Vasily turned to Miles Fielding, the studio representative. "What you say to this, having she/them/whatevarr in black sheet playing Imperial General?"

"Sounds great, VK!" said Miles, giving a thumbs up grin.

Vasily sighed. Well, at least the role of Tarkin was a small part. He ended up casting the first person he auditioned, a (woman?) with a hard stare named Tamaz. He could tell this was going to be trouble even before it started, but there was nothing he could do about it.

This was going to be a truly bizarre film, Vasily realized.

And he still had yet to cast his main character, Luke.

"What are your plans for the Luke character?" Alyssa asked, as if reading his mind.

"Give me few days," said Vasily. "I find someone."

"From the Bumpy or Lumpy community, I hope," said Alyssa.

"Oh, of courrrse," said Vasily.

********

Vasily actually already had an actor in mind. His name was Doug Scaramucci. He had auditioned for

Comedians Drinking Coffee

and had almost been hired for one of the major roles. He didn't have bumps or lumps on his head, but Vasily didn't give a fuck about that.

He invited Doug up to his hotel room, the Presidential Suite at the Fairmont. They had dinner together, and afterwards, as they were sitting on the couch in his day suite, Vasily explained the role.

"To play Luke Skywalker, in a remake of

Star Wars

? Sure, I'd love to!" said Doug.

"Is morre than just that," said Vasily. He explained the other, secondary role that Doug would also have to play. As he explained, he casually let his hand roam, first on Doug's arm, and then down to his leg.

"Your request is a bit... unusual," said Doug, shifting a bit uncomfortably as he felt Vasily gently caressing between his legs.

"Yes," Vasily said. "But I am shorre we could find otharrrs who would accept ourrr... terms," he smiled at him, as he squeezed tightly with his hand.

Doug jumped slightly. "No... I can do it, I can!"

"Let us see," said Vasily. He knew he had Doug by the balls now. He could ask for anything.

Anything

. And so he would. "Vadim!"

Vasily's assistant Vadim entered the room. He was wearing leather pants and suspenders, but no shirt. He had a very hairy chest and bright red nipples. He had something long and black in his hand.

"What is this?" Doug asked.

Vadim tapped the black rod meaningfully.

"Your audition," Vasily smiled.

********

"Meet ourrr Luke Skywalker!" said Vasily, smiling broadly as he put an arm around Doug.

It was the following day, and they were back in the casting hall. Alyssa Guttmacher looked at Doug, and broke out into a broad smile, as she saw the lumps on his forehead. "You... you're..."

"Cinemarian," said Doug. "I am from the planet Cinemar."

Alyssa turned to Vasily. "I thought you had already auditioned everyone from Cinemar?"

Vasily shrugged. "My talent scouts found thees one! Good, isn't he?"

Alyssa looked curiously at Doug. "What is your name?"

"Aglopus Foursil, "said Doug. "It is very nice to meet you," he said slowly.

"And you," said Alyssa, looking a bit suspicious. "Your English is quite good. I don't detect a trace of an accent."