The Remae of Star Wars

On Board the Tantive IV

Perth

Elias had hired the special effects team led by John Dyson who Quentin recommended. Dyson had experience doing special effects for many films. Elias met with him and let him know what he wanted. He didn't want the spaceships to look too real; he wanted them to look a little like models, as they looked in the original film. Within a period of weeks, Dyson was ready to show him the opening scene, of Princess Leia's corvette, the

Tantive IV

, being overtaken by an Imperial Class Star Destroyer. He watched from a side view as the Star Destroyer pounded the corvette with lasers and overtook it.

But Elias frowned the entire time.

"What's wrong?" Dyson asked.

"The camera angle. Yew filmed it from the side," said Elias.

"So?"

"In the original, it was filmed from underneath the Star Destroyer. We got to watch this massive ship moving slowly past the camera. In one shot, without a single word being spoken, we understood from the size of it that the Empire was this big, powerful, military force. By moving the camera to the side, yew dilute that."

Dyson nodded. "We can redo that."

"Please."

********

When Elias got to the set for the first day of filming, he saw Nettie getting everything set up for the corridor scene on the Tantive IV where Imperial troops rush aboard and invade the ship. The set had been physically built, and looked very impressive, its white walls resembling those of the original

Star Wars

film.

Two days before filming was to begin, they had found they had nearly everything they needed--actors, extras, Princess Leia, the droids, the sets, the lighting--and yet one thing was still missing.

"Darth Vader," Elias had said incredulously. "We can't find someone to play Darth Vader? He doesn't even have to speak. We're going to have someone else do the voice. How hard can it be to find someone over six feet tall to walk around in a black plastic costume?"

Apparently, it was. The tallest man on the crew was Jack Burton, who was 5' 11". They had tried to cast the role repeatedly, but no one with the required height applied.

Finally, it was Nettie who came up with a solution. "I have a possible candidate," she said, grabbing his hand. "But yew may not lyke her."

"Her?" said Elias. Darth Vader was a man. Then he thought about it. There would be no harm in a woman playing Darth Vader, if she was tall enough; it wasn't lyke anyone would see or even hear the person inside. "Who do yew have in mind?"

"Your Aunt Gertrude," said Nettie, looking him squarely in the eye.

Aunt Gertie?

Aunt Gertrude was the youngest child of Elias's grandparents, and he was the oldest child of his parents. Thus there was only about a ten year difference in age between the two, with Aunt Gertrude being about 50 years old and Elias being 40.

"No," said Elias.

"She'd do it if yew asked. Yew knauw how much she adores you," said Nettie, squeezing his hand. That's what she did when she wanted something.

Aunt Gertie

did

adore Elias. She might not know a thing about

Star Wars

, but if Elias asked for her help, she'd probably do it. And she was tall, too, over 6 foot 4 inches.

But to have Darth Vader... played by his Aunt Gertie?

"No," said Elias again.

Nettie let his hand drop and his heart sank. "It's either use your Aunt Gertie, or have Darth Vader played by the same midget we were planning to use for R2-D2." She gave him a sarcastic grin.

Elias knew she was exaggerating. But he also knew they needed a tall person to play Darth Vader. And so....

********

"Me?" said Gertrude. "Yew want me to play a robot in your spaceship movie?"

To say that Aunt Gertrude knew nothing about science fiction would be an understatement. She had never even seen the original

Star Wars

film, and sometimes confused it with

Lord of the Rings

, asking more than once if there were any elves in it.

"It's not a robot, Aunt Gertie," said Elias. "For the third time, it's just a man in a plastic costume."

"Why does he wear this plastic costume?" Gertie asked.

"He was hideously burned when he fell into a volcano during a light saber duel on the plant Mustafar," said Elias.

"Ooooh," said Gertie, putting a hand on her chest.

"But don't worry, yew won't have to wear any ghastly makeup. You'll be wearing a plastic costume, remember?"

"A plastic costume. But... I won't be a robot, right?" The distinction seemed to be important to her, for some reason.

"Not a bit."

"This character... is he a good guy?"

"No, Auntie. He's bad. Very bad."

"Oooooh," Aunt Gertrude shivered. "I'll do it!"

********

"Elias! Elias dear!" he heard.

Elias turned and saw Darth Vader march up to him. In front of the entire crew, Vader went and tried to give him a big hug.

"Oh, this silly helmet simply gets in the way!" she cried, taking it off, to reveal the features of Aunt Gertrude. She kissed him on the cheek as everyone watched.

"Hello, Aunt Gertrude," said Elias, feeling embarrassed.

"Aunt Gertrude? Yew haven't called me that since yew were ten," said Gertrude. "What do yew call me, Ellie?"

"Aunt Gertie," said Elias.

Nettie tried to restrain a laugh, but couldn't.

Elias got Aunt Gertrude squared away and turned her over to Nick Caruso, Quentin's assistant Director.

He looked at Nettie.

"Ellie?" she said, with a wide smile.

Elias raised a finger. "Never say that."

Nettie immediately wiped the smile from her face with her right hand and nodded solemnly.

********

The shot took another hour to set up. The costumes the extras wore--the stormtroopers, and the rebel soldiers-- looked authentic. Judy Steritt also looked good in the simple white dress they had given her.

She discovered that Quentin had really been serious when he said there might be a problem with her breasts, which were larger than those of the actress who had played Princess Leia in the original film. During the screen tests Quentin had complained that they bounced around when she ran. They tried different bras, but ended up taping her breasts to her bra, to avoid what Quentin smilingly called "camera jiggle".

Judy had also been invited over to Quentin's trailer for a "rehearsal", and felt a little sore afterwards from the vigorous nature of his direction. She wondered how many times she would be required to rehearse with Quentin during the production. She was beginning to doubt the exchange she had made. Judy looked around. She was on the set of a major motion picture. It was worth it, she told herself. It

had

to be worth it.

Quentin came onto the set and greeted Elias. For some reason his director's chair was bigger than Elias's. How had that come to be? Elias tried to convince himself he was being petty.

But then Elias saw Quentin smile and admire Nettie's ass cheeks, smiling broadly, as she bent over to pick up some equipment off the ground, and Elias's blood started to boil.

"Are we ready to begin?" Elias asked, in a neutral tone.

"Of course. Time for the master to begin his work," said Quentin, with a cocky tone.

All the actors were in position. The line director yelled, "Action!" and the scene began. The door to the corvette blew open, and the stormtroopers came bursting in, firing their blasters.

Of course, no one could see the blaster bolts--they would be added in later. The stormtroopers came through the door, first the first one, then the second one, who fell as he was "shot", and then the third--but then, the third stumbled and fell over the body of the second stormtrooper.

They shot it again, and the same thing happened.

"What's the problem?" Quentin asked.

It turned out that stormtrooper helmets didn't allow for a wide range of vision. In the opening scene there were a number of stormtrooper and rebel bodies on the ground. There were many bodies that could be tripped over, and the stormtroopers did just that. The extras tried to memorize paths around the bodies, but all it took was one extra to trip over one body to ruin the entire scene. They tried filming it ten times, but made little progress.

Finally, it was one of the grips, of all people, who offered a solution. "After the initial blast, and shootout, shoot an establishing shot of the bodies on the ground. Then when yew film them walking forward, first get the bodies out of the way and film them from the knees up, so people won't see the ground."

"That's a good idea," said Quentin. He looked at the young blonde man, and then he said, "Who are you?"

"Billy Williams, sir. I work with the grips. They call me Grippy."

"Good work, Grippy." said Quentin. And that was exactly the way he filmed it, and it worked.

And then it was time for Darth Vader to make his grand entrance.

"Vader!" Quentin yelled. "Action!"

Forty pair of eyes were focused on the blasted remains of the door of the Corellian Corvette.

And nothing happened.

"Vader!" Quentin cried.

No one came out.

Quentin gave a curt finger to Nick Caruso, his AD, who scurried onto the set of the Tantive IV and disappeared behind the blasted door. Then they all heard a feminine voice say, "Oh, that was for me?"

And then Darth Vader, flanked by two stormtroopers, entered the Corellian Corvette. Darth Vader was tall, and menacing, and... walked like a girl.

In the end, ten takes later, the best they could do was to get Aunt Gertrude to walk like a robot, to get her to walk like a man. Aunt Gertie resisted this because she had been promised, by "Ellie himself", that she would not be playing the part of a robot, but in the end she relented, and stomped down the corridor in a vaguely satisfying way.

********

The following day they filmed the scene where Princess Leia was captured and brought to Darth Vader. They fed the lines to Aunt Gertrude and let her read them any way she wanted, as long as she did the appropriate finger wagging and fist shaking. She quickly acquired a skill at using her head tilts and hand gestures to convey a menacing meaning.

Even in the scene where she had to strangle one of the crewmen of the Tantive IV, she did it well enough to finish it in one take, and afterwards, took off her helmet and ran to Elias and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Elias asked, aware of all eyes on them.

"It feels so good to be the bad guy, Ellie!" said Gertrude, smiling broadly.

Judy Steritt made a good first showing as well. Dressed in virginal white, she had the right degree of belligerence in her eyes when she lectured Aunt Gertrude. "This time you've gone too far! The Imperial Senate will not stand for this!" and her facial expressions and tone and body language were great. Elias had to admit that for Leia, at least, that Quentin had made a good pick.

But then they hit another problem when Angus Conrad, the actor playing C-3PO, couldn't fit into the escape pod. It turns out the ceiling was a little low and Angus's costume didn't allow him to bend so far down. They spent several frustrating minutes trying to figure this out until Nettie came up with the answer.

"Just film him when he's about to go into the pod. Then cut away to another angle where he's already in the pod."

Quentin had a dissatisfied look on his face, but Elias told him they were pressed for time, and already, on the third day of shooting, they were falling behind schedule. So he agreed. But then, after filming 3PO about to enter the pod, he still had to get inside of it. Two of the crew had to carry Angus Conrad, rigidly horizontal, like a corpse into the pod, and then carry him out the same way, when the scene was done.

After the third day of filming, they ended the filming on the corvette. Nick Caruso, the first AD, came over to Judy Steritt and told her that Quentin wanted to see her in his trailer that evening.

"What for?" Judy asked.

"Rehearsals," said Nick, giving her a grin.

He knew

. Judy shook her head. It seemed that the way Quentin was using her was becoming an open secret among the crew. This deal was getting worse and worse. She wondered if she should go to Elias. He had seemed positively disposed towards her. But if the crew knew how Quentin was using her, Elias almost certainly did too, and complaining would only make it harder for her.

Sighing with resignation, she made her way to Quentin's trailer.

********

"What am I looking for?" Elias asked, watching the film rushes.

"This," said Nettie, fast forwarding to the scene where Darth Vader interrogated Princess Leia. The scene opened with a wide, establishment shot, and then zoomed in rapidly on Vader and Leia. Then the camera point of view seemed to bob around, in a circle, as the two talked.

"There's more," said Nettie, rewinding to the scene where Vader strangled the rebel captain. Once again, the camera circled around the two, zooming closer and closer as the rebel's neck was snapped.

Nettie turned on the lights and looked at Elias. She said nothing. She didn't have to.

"It's not the way I would have filmed it," said Elias. "But Quentin is the director."

"Is this the look and feel yew want for your film?" Nettie asked.

"It's only the beginning. Let's give him a little time to find his bearings," said Elias. But he, too, was concerned.

Nettie nodded, but also gave him a challenging look, raising her eyebrows.

Elias said nothing further.

Stockholm

"All right, are we ready?"

Agneta and Frida were in string bikinis, and Bjorn and Benny were in bathing suits. oll were sitting on the edge of a hot tub, with their legs dangling into it. Benny had his electric guitar, and Bjorn had his keyboard on a little stand just above his lap. Behind them could be seen impressive snowcapped mountains. It was a very odd juxtaposition, of bikinis and snow, but that was classic Sweden.

"Lars, are you all set?"Agneta asked.

"Ya!" said Lars, who was behind the camera.

"Then let's begin," said Agneta.

No one said anything for a moment.

"What is it? What is happening?"

Agneta put hands on her hips. "Lars, yew have to say 'Action!'"

"Oh. Ok. Action!"

Agneta: "Transmiiiiissions! "

Frida (lower): "Transmiiiiission! "

Benny (still lower): "Transmiiiissions! "

Bjorn (even lower): "Transmiiiissions! "

Bjorn: "Where are those transmissions you intercepted? "

Chorus: "Transmissions, transmissions, interceeeepted, interceeeepted! "

Bjorn: "Where are those transmissions you intercepted? "

Chorus: "Transmissions, transmissions, interceeeepted, interceeepted! "

Agneta: "They're not on this ship! They're not over heeeere! They're not over theeeeere!

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [man in Vader suit appears behind them and pretends to strangle man dressed as rebel]

Frida: "Where are those transmissions you interceeepted? "

Agneta: "They're in Dagobah, at the bottom of a swaaaamp! They're on Tattooine, in the belly of a Sarlacc horroooor! They're on Coruscant, in Padme's panties draweeer! "

Bjorn: "They're not in Dagobah, at the bottom of a swaaaamp! They're not on Tattooine, in the belly of a Sarlacc horroooor! They're also not on Coruscant, in Padme's panties draweeer! "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [man in Vader suit appears pretends to strangle man dressed as rebel]

Agneta: "The plans are on Hoth, in the belly of a Tauntaun. The plans are in Kashyyyk, on a lovely nudist Wookie beeeacch. The plans are on Endor, inside the shield generators, once they've been so lovingly breeeeeached. "

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Hoth, in the belly of a Tauntun. The plans are not in Kashyyyk, on a lovely nudist Wookie beeeacch. The plans are also not on Endor, inside the shield generators, once they've been so lovingly breeeeeached. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Agneta: "The plans are on Mustafar, on the hiiiigh ground. The plans are on Kamino, in the pocket of a clone. The plans are on Naboo, in Padme's dildo drawer, for use when Anakin is no longer hoooome".

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Mustafar, on the hiiiigh ground. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Kamino, in the pocket of a clone. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Bjorn: "The plans are also not on Naboo, in Padme's dildo drawer, for use when Anakin is no longer hoooome. "

Chorus (louder with each refrain): "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! " [more choking, then sound of neck snapping and the body of the rebel is tossed into the pool. It floats, and everyone claps and laughs]

Century City:

It was the first day of filming. They were shooting the sequence on the Tantive IV, the scene where the Imperials blast their way through the door, and then shoot their way past the corridor lined with rebels.

The scene was supposed to be filmed in a day.

It took three.

"Not a good sign," Tom Anderson sighed, standing in the background.

Danbert Hines had acquiesced when Vasily said he wanted Olivar Martinez to be First Assistant Director. But he said he wanted someone experienced to be the Second AD. He had recommended Tom Anderson, and Vasily had agreed.

Tom has over two decades of experience filming in Hollywood. Action films were his specialty. Really, with his experience, he should have been First AD, or even Director. But somehow, the top job always seemed to go to someone else. It wasn't that the top brass didn't like Tom, it was just, well... that they liked other people better.

Hollywood in the 24th century was still a small, incestuous place, and hadn't changed much over the centuries.

And so Tom had swallowed his pride and taken the Second AD position. Despite his title, he was basically a gofer boy for Olivar Martinez, who treated him like a servant. He had thought about quitting, but his girlfriend, Susan Clark, told him it was still a great opportunity.

"Just think about it, Tom," she had said, while they were in bed together. "To be Second AD, on a film that's going to win the star drive!"

"If we win the star drive, no one's going to ask who the second AD was, or even the first AD," said Tom. "Vasily will take all the credit, you can be sure of that."

"Maybe," said Susan, looking into his eyes."But it will look stellar on your resume. Every production will want to hire you after that."

"As a second AD, yeah," said Tom.

But at least he had been able to get Susan a job on the crew. Susan worked in props. Tom knew better than to ask Olivar or Vasily for help. Instead, he went to Miles Fielding, the studio producer. Miles was agreeable enough. Miles was always agreeable enough, as long as you weren't asking him for money.

So Tom stood with the rest of the crew and watched them film for three days at the door to the Tantive IV was blown up again and again, and stormtroopers charged into the ship, guns blazing, again and again.

It seemed the same to Tom every time. But Vasily insisted that this stormtrooper walk this way, or that stormtrooper fall over there, or that the explosion of the door occur a little higher, or lower, or somewhere else.

Finally, after three days of this, even Miles had had enough of this, and he could be seen whispering to Vasily, who reluctantly nodded.

Then they started filming the other scenes aboard the Tantive IV.

Dan White, the 6 foot 5 inch tall man who was playing Darth Vader, was instructed to strangle the Rebel Officer again and again. Vasily made the poor man do it 17 times before he was remotely satisfied.

Vasily liked a lot of takes. He had a reputation as a finicky director, which Tom quickly saw was well deserved.