The Remae of Star Wars

Chapter 4: The Makers of Dreams

Century City

"I am by farr best suited to make this motion pechar." That statement was made with the utmost assurance by Vasily Korotich, one of the leading directors in Hollywood.

Vasily had come over from Russia at the tender age of 18, and got his start working as a grip on the set of

Velvet Undertones IV

. From there he had sucked whoever's cock he needed to work his way up from assistant production manager to production manager, to assistant director, to director, and now he had finally become quite a big name director. He had produced the extremely successful

Great Big Happy Family Movie

, as well as

Great Big Happy Family II

,

Great Big Happy Family III

,

Yoga Every Morning With The Girls

,

College Fun for All

, and the critically acclaimed

Comedians Drinking Coffee

, which had made over a billion credits worldwide, and earned four Academy Awards. Although he wasn't a native American, and he spoke English with a pronounced accent, Vasily had his fingers firmly on the pulse of providing wholesome and perfectly insipid family entertainment that audiences around the world had come to love and admire.

"I am the best. If you do not hirrrre me, you vill lose. You need me to vin thees," Vasily continued.

"Vasily!" said Danbert Hines, with a fake laugh. "There's no need to go on! You're in, baby! We want you to make this movie."

"You do? I mean, of courrrrse you do," said Vasily. He shifted tones instantly. "Of courrrrse. Then let us taulk about my leetle requirrrements."

Vasily's requirements were

not so little

. He wanted to be paid three million credits for directing, two million credits for producing, and he wanted 20% of the gross revenue.

Hines gave a nervous laugh. He told Vasily that he was sorry, but the studio would be producing the film, under orders from the United States Government. "I'm sorry, Vasily, there's nothing I can do about that!"

Vasily glared at him in response.

As for his salary and revenue sharing demands, they spent several days going back and forth. Vasily refused to budge until Hines hinted that time was running out and they might hire someone else. Suddenly Vasily became reasonable, or rather,

less unreasonable

, and they settled on a fee of two million credits for direction, and nine percent of the gross revenues of the film. When Vasily came in and signed the documents, no one in the room was smiling, including Vasily, which told Hines that they had probably struck a good deal.

But there was another complication.

Vasily had staff who accompanied him. One of them was a production assistant, a young man named Vadim who accompanied him everywhere, and who performed services of an ill-defined nature. Another was Vasily's choice of first assistant director, Olivar Martinez. Hines could cope with Vadim, as long as he didn't inquire too closely about Vadim's duties. Olivar, however, could not be so easily overlooked.

Vasily had worked with Martinez before on the

Great Big Happy Family

films and felt comfortable with him, but Martinez had some... skeletons in his closet.

"Vat is problem?" Vasily asked.

Hines took a deep breath. Best to handle this carefully. "Olivar has... posted statements online... which could be interpreted as endorsing... robopedophila." He punched up a holographic display, showing images of Olivar's posts on the global network.

One had the image of a child robot bending over with his pants partially down and below it Olivar had posted the message "School's out! But guess what's in?"

Another had the image of a child robot with his pants down, lying on a person's lap while getting a spanking, and Olivar had posted "Who wants to spank this bad boy first?"

Hines watched carefully for Vasily's reaction. Vasily didn't blink.

"Is joke," said Vasily. "He making leetle joke. So vat? Not against lauw to make joke."

"Is that all it is, Vasily? Are you sure?" Hines asked.

"Of courrrrse," said Vasily.

"I just don't want someone on your production team who is going to be... a distraction," said Hines.

"You vill not hearrr anyting else about heem. I guarantee it," said Vasily.

"Very well," said Hines. His mood abruptly lifted. "Let me introduce the rest of your command staff, then. I believe you know Miles Fielding? Miles will produce on site, and will be your liaison with the studio."

Vasily gave Miles a false smile. He knew Miles well. He had nothing against Miles; he had just wanted to produce the film himself.

"And now I would like to introduce you to Alyssa Guttmacher," he gestured with his hand to a woman sitting patiently in the background.

Vasily turned to see a young woman with a short, masculine haircut. "And vat is to be your role hearrrr?"

"I am to be your executive producer," said Alyssa.

"You arrre?" Vasily knew that an executive producer could mean everything, or nothing at all. It depended on what the studio wanted it to mean.

"Alyssa will be your Executive Producer for Diversity Affairs," said Hines. "We want to be sure to make the most inclusive film possible. Alyssa is a Senior Person Resource with the QRSTUV+ Coalition."

"More than that," said Alyssa. "I am also a spokesentity for People of Lumps and Bumps."

"Oh, how... nice," said Vasily, not sure what to say.

"Alyssa has some ideas on how to update the original

Star Wars

, to make it more accessible to the broader community," said Hines.

"You do?" Vasily asked.

"Of course," said Alyssa. "The original

Star Wars

was a pioneer for its time, but at the same time featured a very white, male, heterosexualist, smoothed skin perspective. Our remake should embrace the diversity we have learned to accept in the 24th century."

"Vat did you have in mind?" Vasily asked.

"There needs to be more inclusion of biological females," said Alyssa firmly. "Han Solo is such a 20th century anachronism. I think audiences would find a Hannah Solo a far more relatable character."

"Hannah Solo?" Vasily asked, trying to process this.

"And as for Luke, the main character," said Alyssa. "It would be simply wonderful if someone from the Lumpy and Bumpy community could play that part."

"But... the only people who have bumps and lumps are Butarins and Cinemarians," said Vasily. "There can't be more than a few hundred of them on the planet Earth."

"Then you should conduct an aggressive outreach to recruit them," said Alyssa.

"Arrre you on board with thees?" said Vasily, turning to Danbert Hines.

Hines nodded. "We want your cast to be as inclusive as possible."

"I see," said Vasily, wondering how he could possibly cast Luke Skywalker from a small handful of aliens, none of whom were even actors. Most of the Butarins and Cinemarians on Earth were merchants, or diplomats.

"We also think it would be trailblazing to cast a Gender Fluid Ramadan as Moff Tarkin."

Vasily squinted his eyes. "Yew want voman... who says she is a man... in a burka... to play old man?"

"It would certainly get the Clitorians' attention," said Alyssa smugly. "It would show them that ours is the most inclusive and virtuous production."

Vasily glanced at Danbert Hines, who nodded slightly and smiled.

What the fuck is going on here?

Vasily thought.

"And lastly, we also want to see the differently-abled community represented as well," said Alyssa. "That's why we'd love it if Darth Vader was disabled."

"You vant Darth Vader... in veelchairrr?" Vasily asked.

"It would provide a powerful role model to the disabled community," said Alyssa.

"And how exactly vould Darth Vader do light saber fight in veelchairrr?"

"With poise and dignity," said Alyssa, raising her chin.

Vasily looked helplessly at Danbert Hines. This time Danbert coughed and said, "That may be a little too... ambitious, Alyssa. We can save that for the sequel."

"Oh," said Alyssa, obviously disappointed.

"I try my best to comply with yourrr... requests," said Vasily. Replacing Han Solo with a woman would be easy. But how would he be able to find an alien who could act for the central role of Luke Skywalker?

********

Perth

"Elias! So good to see you!" said Tom Landry, greeting Elias Martin with a bear hug.

Elias hated man hugs, but he embraced Tom, and tried to determine the meaning of it as Tom pressed his flesh against his. When the ritual was concluded, he sat down in a comfy chair in the executive suite of Hearst Studios. He knew that Tom had been seeing a parade of producers and directors to try to decide who to hire to make the

Star Wars

remake on behalf of the Australian government. And now Tom had called on him.

"Yew can probably guess why you're hear," said Tom.

"

Star Wars

," said Elias promptly. He smiled. "So, Tom, who do I have to sleep with to get the jaub?"

"Me," said Tom, smiling back at him.

Elias shifted in his chair, wondering if Tom was serious.

Then Tom burst out laughing. "Yew should see the expression on your face!"

Elias laughed with him, trying to get past this awkward moment. When he felt he had laughed the absolute minimum time permissible, he put a fake smile on his face and said, "Ok, is this the part where I tell yew why I am best suited to do the

Star Wars

remake?"

Tom waved a hand dismissively. "Elias, there's no need. The top brass has been talking about who to hire for the past four days. They have already decided on the best director to remake the film in classic 2D format."

"2D, not holo?"

"2D, like the original," said Tom grinning. "As I said, we've been putting our heads together here at the studio to figure out who we wanted to hire. Some of us wanted a big, bold, American director. Yew know, a really big name lyke Robert Goldberg or Jules Mendelbaum. Others wanted to go with local talent. National pride and oll that. That's what we eventually decided to do. We batted around some names, and then yours came up in a list we put together. When we started paring down the list, and deciding who we thought would be best to make the film, the name we kept hitting on was yours, Elias."

"Me?" said Elias.

"Yew," said Tom, smiling. "Oh, there are other directars who are much more commercially successful than yew are. Yew lyke to make quirky films. That's exactly what we need hear."

"It is?"

"We have learned that the Clitorians really lyked the quirky humor of the original

Star Wars

."

"And how have we learned that?" Elias asked.

"Sources," said Tom, smiling mysteriously. "And yew are the master of quirky humor. We'd lyke yew to take on the project."

Elias was floored. For a moment, he struggled to speak.

"Well? Say something, Elias!"

"Yes, yes!" said Elias. His heart was full of joy. But then he frowned. "But... I don't knauw if I feel confident to direct such a big epic film. I think maybe I would best be suited to produce."

"We're way ahead of yew, Elias," said Tom, raising a finger. "We agree completely, and want yew to bring in an outside director with a tremendous skillset in this area."

"Who?" said Elias, worried that Tom might name some big ego Hollywood director.

"Quentin Scott."

"Quentin Scott?" said Elias. Quentin Scott had an excellent reputation in the Australian filmmaking community. Elias had met him once, but didn't knauw him personally.

"What do yew think?"

"Yeah, if we could get Quentin Scott, that would be great," said Elias slowly, thinking even as he said it. He paused. "I trust I can pick my own team otherwise, and shoot hear in Perth?"

"Our studio is your studio," said Tom. He passed over a datapad.

"What's this?"

"The contract."

Elias started to read it. It was 214 pages.

"It's oll just formality, Elias," said Tom.

"I knauw, but I'd lyke to read it," said Elias.

"All right, do that," said Tom. "But the sooner yew sign, the sooner yew can begin. Entries have to be submitted in 11 months and 23 days."

"I'd better goah home and read this," said Elias. He stood up and shook Tom's hand. "Thanks."

"I'm shore this is going to be our great collaboration evar," said Tom, shaking his hand vigorously.

********

When Elias got home, he told Tasha the good news. She hugged and kissed him. She said, "We have to celebrate! Let's go out to dinnar!"

"No tyme. I have to read this con-tract," said Elias. "214 pages..." He started reading it, but got lost in the legalese.

"At least let's invite Emily and Morrie over for lunch on Saturday. They'll be so happy for yew!"

Elias nodded, his head lost in the terms of the contract. The more he read, the less he understood.

********

Elias had never found a lawyer he liked. He found that they all did as little work as they could get away with and charged as much money as they could for their services. So this time he went to a big law firm, the biggest in Perth, Donnnelly, Simpson, and Wang, figuring he could get more professional representation there.

Very soon Elias was in the office of Humbart Peters. Elias told him his situation and Peters told him he would be glad to represent him. Elias showed him the contract. Peters said he could review it, and it would only cost 3,000 credits.

"Three thousand credits?" Elias said.

"Mr. Martin, I charge 500 credits an hour for my services," said Peters gently. "Yew came hear to hire the best, didn't yew?"

"I suppose soah," said Elias.

Two days later, Peters gave him a report on the contract.

It was fine.

There were no problems with any of the provisions.

He also received a bill for 3,000 credits.

Elias was thinking about this as he sat down for lunch on Saturday with Tasha, and his sister Emily, and her husband Morrie.

First impressions can sometimes be very, very wrong. Such was the case with Elias's brother in law, Morrie.

Elias had been intimidated when Emily had first introduced him to her then-fiancee, Morrie Greenberg, seven years ago.

Morrie was a tall man, over six feet, and he had sort of an afro, even though he wasn't black. He also had a bushy moustache. In short, he looked intimidating.

But from the moment he shook Elias's hand, and said, in a soft voice, "Elias. So nice to meet you," all of Elias's apprehension faded.

He soon learned that Morrie was one of the kindest, gentlest men there was. And he was a lawyer! Morrie seemed to be an almost opposite what was required to be an attorney, personality wise. He practiced real estate law in a small firm in Perth.

Elias found himself telling Morrie about his experience with the contract, and what his lawyer said.

"A 214 page contract? Drafted entirely by the other syde? And your lawyar told yew everything in it was fine?" said Morrie.

Elias found himself nodding to every question.

"Elias, would yew mind if I had a quick look at this con-tract?"

Morrie actually took more than a

quick look

at the contract, spending the rest of the afternoon reading and commenting on it aloud while the girls played croquet in the backyard.

When he was done, he looked up at Elias.

"So?" Elias asked.

"Elias, these people are trying to cheat yew every which way they can," said Morrie.

"Tom Landry?"

"Yeah, Tom Landry," said Morrie. "Yew are being asked to produce what could possibly be the most important movie ever made, and how much are they paying yew to produce? 80,000 credits. Peanuts."

"Well, this isn't a Hollywood production," said Elias.

"It has the budget of one," said Morrie. "Look at it, page 154. The budget is 120 million credits. Are yew telling me that they can't pay a producer more than 80,000 credits on a 120 million credit film?"

"That did seem a little odd."

"And what about your profit participation? What about your merchandizing rights?"

"I... don't usually get those," said Elias.

"It's time to start," said Morrie. "And what about artistic rights?"

"Well, the studio is never going to give those up," said Elias. "They'll always want the final say on what's produced."

Morrie made a skeptical "hmmmm" sound.

"The other lawyar said it was oll fine."

"The lawyar who charged yew 3,000 credits, and probably didn't even read it covar to covar?"

"Yeah, that lawyer," said Elias.

And then Morrie offered to represent Elias for free, as Elias knew he would. Elias offered to pay him, but Morrie refused payment, as he also knew he would. Morrie wanted to go back and speak to Tom Landry, and Elias agreed. But he was startled when Morrie said that he wanted to go alone.

"Alone?"

"Yeah," said Morrie.

And so he did.

Elias waited with anticipation when Morrie returned from his meeting with Tom on Monday.

"What happened?" Elias asked.

"I asked for a producer's fee of three million credits," said Morrie, taking off his coat.

"Yew did what?" Elias could not believe what he had heard.

"I also asked for ten percent gross proceeds participation, and merchandizing rights."

"And what did they say?"

"They said no," said Morrie.

"Well, that's the end of it, then," said Elias.

Morrie gave him a cynical look. "Wait."

"Wait? For what?"

"Just wait."

The next day, Morrie called him and said that Tom had made a counteroffer. "They offered yew a producer's fee of 300,000 credits."

"Three hundred thousand credits! Did yew tell him I'd take it?"

"No, I said you'd think about it. I'll turn him down tomorrow," said Morrie.

"Morrie, noah, how can yew do that?"

"Just trust me, Elias."

Several more days passed. The studio upped its offer to jaw dropping 750,000 credits, but then wouldn't go any higher. Elias begged Morrie to let him accept it. Morrie refused. Instead, Morrie went in to meet with Tom Landry again.

"Be reasonable, Mr. Greenberg. We're not a big Hollywood studio," said Tom.

"This is a 120 million credit film," said Morrie. "Who's not being reasonable?"

"That money is to be spent on film production."

"And a producer's salary isn't included in that?" Morrie asked.

"Yew have to look at it from our point of view, Mr. Greenberg. We have no idea if our film will win this competition. If it doesn't, it will probably bomb in the box office. We are taking an enormous risk."

"I hear what you're saying," said Morrie. "So, let me offer to help reduce your risk. My client will accept your original offer of 80,000 credits in salary."

"He will?"

"If in return yew give him ten points of gross revenue sharing, and oll merchandizing rights."

"That's outrageous!" said Tom.

"Yew just said the film is probably not going to make any money. If you're right, then this is a great deal for you," said Morrie.

"Well, I, uh, yes, but-"

"Why don't yew think about it?" said Morrie, standing up and putting on his coat.

He went home and told Elias what had happened. Elias asked what they should do now. Morrie told him to wait.

The next day Morrie called Elias again. He relayed a message from Tom that unless he agreed to the 750,000 credit deal, with no profit sharing or merchandizing, they would find another producer.

"Agree, Morrie!" said Elias. They had been negotiating for nearly two weeks now, and time was passing. "They're going to hire someone else!"

"No they're not, Elias. They want yew," said Morrie. "Trust me."

Elias spent two days biting his nails, almost convinced that Morrie had negotiated a bridge too far. Tasha tried to console him with some high quality vaginal sex, but he couldn't get an erection.

Morrie came to their doorstep, two days later, with a grim look on his face.

Elias wanted to kill him. He had blown the deal. He was sure of it.

But then Morrie smiled and said, "They're going to give yew five percent, off the top, and oll the merchandising rights."