More Tales From The Guilds Ch 27

Education in Ankh-Morpork is, as is fairly well-known, run by the Guilds. Their goal is to give the young of the city access to a means of earning a living—except for the Guild of Assassins. That Guild is regarded as giving the young (especially of the upper classes) the best, most well-rounded education available. Their reputation is so wide-spread that students come from as far away as Klatch to learn proper deportment, literature, music, dance, history, politics and (just incidentally) numerous ways of removing the obstacles to other people's advancement—for a substantial fee. Very few graduates, however, actually Take the Black and enter the highly paid

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profession of Assassin. This should come as no surprise. The majority of students there are from families who are already wealthy and whose study of the curriculum is purely defensive.

[

1

And quite risky!]

Study at Unseen University, though, tends to result in a different track. While holding an undergraduate B.Thau, BF, B.Mgc., B.Ap.Th, etc. allows one to set up shop in a town far from the Big Wahoonie and garner one's four square meals a day dealing with the magic that others fear, further study resulting in a doctoral degree

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most often results in a tenured position at UU. This is not highly paid. It must be admitted that many members of the faculty (Ridcully, Stibbons, Archchancellor Henry, etc.) come from landed families and have no real need for additional income. And those whose families are much less affluent are likely so pleased with their life of comfortable monasticism that they are honestly unaware how meager their cash earnings are. After all, when you receive a comfortable apartment (bedroom, bath, sitting room and forge), 4-6 large meals each day, maid and laundry service and a new set of academic robes annually, what else do you need? Heading out to the Patrician's Purse for a flagon or so of beer doesn't cost much and it's a rare wizard who has an itch for travel. Those who do have such a desire use their Doors and head for the tropics during the frigid winter.

[

2

or degrees]

Thus it is that Penelope Ogg, D.C.L., M. Thau., Lecturer in the Annals of the Differently Alive finds herself in a puzzling position. Her Canned Darkness spells are very popular with Ankh-Morpork's most sunlight-adverse citizens and her books on the viewpoints of the Differently Alive sell well. Her account at the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork has risen to such a level that when she goes in to deposit more money in her safe deposit box, Malvolio Bent himself straightens his jacket and comes out to greet her personally.

"You must understand, Professor," he began after escorting her to a private office, "that just putting money in the bank is not in either yours' or the city's best interests. Unless we start loaning it out for you, all piling it up in the vault does is make a larger pile. As the Patrician insisted, and Hubert Turvey's Glooper clearly demonstrates, money works best by circulating. People need to buy and sell so that others can buy and sell and keep everyone employed. Just sitting on a horde like a dragon

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is economically unhealthy. This is why the Patrician recirculates tax revenue into things like the Undertaking. So if we invest your money into small business loans the bank profits, you receive interest and small businesses can become bigger businesses."

[

3

or the Lavishes]

"But if you pay me interest on my money, I just gain more money," Penny protested, "and then I still have to figure out what to do with it. If I leave it in the bank the way you say, it still just becomes a bigger and bigger pile because you recirculate it."

Mr. Bent was a bit surprised at that. "You could, after all, use it to buy things."

"But Mr. Bent," she said, "I don't have much need or even use for more things. I live in Unseen. My housing and all my meals are all provided, I get a new set of robes every Hogswatch. Except for the occasional meal out, I have nothing to spend money on. And soon I will marry Consideration Stibbons, the Vice Chancellor's second cousin. The Stibbons family is well-to-do with extensive groves of nut and fruit trees, a substantial manor house and plenty of money in their own right. Maybe I should just try giving my money away? There are certainly plenty of poor around who could use it. Look at all the beggars."

Mr. Bent steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. "How should I break this to you, Professor? The Beggars are the oldest Guild in the city and very much one of the richest. Few know this but because they never actually

buy

anything themselves, all those pennies thrown by our caring (or desperate) citizens over the centuries have ended up getting used to invest in real estate that the Beggars, behind a screen of holding companies, rent out to the aristocracy. The Beggars are far from poor. They just look like it.

However, if after some thought you simply cannot think of anything to buy, I'm sure that Mr. Thunderbolt of Morecombe, Slant and Honeyplace will help you set up a charitable foundation to assist those who are genuinely in need. In the meantime, I insist that we start paying you interest on your accumulated funds."

*****

Consideration Stibbons sat in a comfortable club chair in front of the hearth in Penelope Ogg's apartment—and she sat on him with an arm around his neck and her head leaning on his.

"Connie, after we get married, will we be moving into your parents' country house or will we need one of our own?"

"Oh, Mother insists that we move in with them. The house is by no means as large as the Vimes-Ramkin Crundell's or Castle Ridcully but it's a substantial manor house with north and south wings. My parents only live in the south wing with my younger sister. The entire north wing has been closed up for years with all the furniture under covers. Once I told my parents that we were getting married, they had the servants uncover and clean the furniture and air out the rooms so that they will be ready to move into when we come back from our honeymoon. Velvel will love it there. Who knows what might be living in the cellar of that wing that he could hunt down and eat? Why do you ask?"

Penny sighed. "This may sound silly, but Mr. Bent at the bank insists that I need to start spending some of the money I earn from the spells and the books. He says that money needs to circulate and not just get piled up in a vault and I was wondering what I could buy with it. I was thinking of furniture . . ."

"Penny, you are not only a wizard, you're a pretty girl. Yes, you should wear your robes here at UU. Heck, I'll wear mine when I'm out consulting. But back at the manor I'll change into my farm clothes to work the groves. You should have nice things to wear while you're writing or visiting the neighbors or whatever else you think a lady of the countryside should do. You should get some jewelry to wear to the parties the neighboring squirarchy throw. Once we're married you will only be at UU part of the time so you only need to be a part-time wizard."

Jewelry,

Penny thought,

earrings and necklaces in occult and mystical designs.

The local nobility threw parties that merited dressing up in pretty gowns? Lancre was such a small place that important social gatherings consisted of the king and queen having dinner together but apparently the neighborhood around the Stibbons estates was more populated.

Tweed jackets and long skirts over green rubber boots?

Queen Magrat of Lancre dressed like that when out in the rose garden. Penny knew because her brothers peeked over the castle wall and saw her. The queen even smiled at them and waved.

"I—I guess. Maybe a trip to the Street of Cunning Artificers is in order. Does it hurt to get your ears pierced?"

"I don't know. I think I heard that when you get your ears pierced the jeweler puts ice on your earlobe until it's numb and then pierces it. I can't imagine that it would hurt very much."

She nuzzled his hair. "Okay then, I'll go find a jeweler."

*****

The next morning, Hughnon Ridcully came to visit his brother the Archchancellor at Unseen University for breakfast. To everyone's surprise, he sported a black eye and obviously skinned knuckles.

"Had an intense theological debate, didjer?" Mustrum asked.

The High Priest of Blind Io snorted. "An insolent young cove got 'bove his station and tried to claim more 'thority than he merited. Had t'break his arm t'remind him of th' proper hierarchy in the

Council of Churches, Temples, Sacred Groves and Big Ominous Rocks

!"

The Archchancellor nodded approval. "Granddad'd be proud of yer.

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I remember havin' t'do much the same when I was first appointed Archchancellor. Silly bounders thought the old idea of Dead Men's Pointy Shoes still applied. I find that 't's useful t'have several chaps around who still sport scars and the occasional limp. Yer might need t'give yer young scoundrel an additional thrashin' once his arm heals and this time leave enough marks that t'others are contin'lly reminded of just who sits where on the ladder of authority."

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The grandfather in question had been a professional prizefighter in Ankh-Morpork who had somehow won the heart of a highborn country lady. Her family hadn't approved. The couple didn't care.]

Hughnon smiled in satisfaction. "Oh, he won't need any addition'l scars. I took a thurible t' the side of 'is head after he punched me in th' eye. 'e'll be sportin' the mark f'r th' rest of 'is life!"

"Well done, that man!" Mustrum grinned broadly. He never had been opposed to corporal punishment, so long as he was doing the punishing. Kindly, he could be. Soft-hearted he was not!

*****

"Aranae said get a carpet to go consulting," Wolfe Woodbead said musingly to his friend Consideration Stibbons, "and Sammy says that for the best flying carpets, Makirat abn Altharwa is the man to see. So I guess we'd better wonder over to Raey al'Sijjad and check what he has in stock. It won't do to sail over to a client on just any old rug."

Raey al'Sijjad was the priciest purveyor of Klatchian goods in Ankh-Morpork. To give you an idea of just how pricey it was, the store was across Upper Broad Way from the Royal Bank and none of the merchandise in the window carried a price tag. If you have to ask, as the saying goes, you can't afford it.

"Honorable gentlemen," abn Altharwa greeted them with bow, "to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit this day? Pray, come sit and have tea."

Sales at Raey al'Sjjad, it seemed, are conducted in the upper class Klatchian manner which require refreshment and small talk that lasts for some while before the crass subject of commerce arises. And once a pot of tea was consumed and various subjects regarding the state of the city and its economy discussed, Connie felt that the time had come to get down to business.

"Mr. abn Altharwa," he began, "my friend here and I have been honored with appointment as co-directors of the newly established Sto Plains Agro-Mancy Experiment Station. In that position we will be expected to act as consultants to landowners regarding the well-being and betterment of their crops. Because the Sto Plains covers extensive territory we will need to be able to transverse it, preferably at higher speed than can be done on horseback. Our friend the Marquess of Quire speaks very well of your flying carpets and has referred us to your esteemed emporium."

The proprietor smiled benignly at the compliment and nodded.

"I believe that among my selection we can find just what you seek. May I suggest that you want something comfortable that manifests a certain level of importance without gaudiness? Dignity may be the most important descriptor."

Both young hedge wizards agreed wholeheartedly. For men in their twenties, dignity is a trait most often found in its lack. Anything that they could acquire to enhance what little they might have would only be to the good.

Abn Altharwa clapped his hands to summon an assistant, said something in Klatchian and sent him off. Moments later the assistant returned with a large, dark roll on his shoulder. He put it down on the floor, pushed it over and unrolled it to reveal a black carpet woven with intricate patterns of silver silk in the wool and silver trim around the sides. On one end was embroidered a curious three-pointed star in a circle. They looked at it with interest.

"That is the makers' mark. The family has been weaving nothing but the very finest flying carpets for generations. When you arrive on one of these, your client will know that his visitor is no ordinary traveler. Why don't you take it around the block for a try? Just tell it what you want to do. Call it 'Selecta' and it will navigate by itself."

Both young men sat down on the carpet side by side and raised their arms. The carpet lifted off the floor. They leaned towards the door of the shop and if floated through the doorway and out over the street.

"Let's take it over to Ramkin House and show Sammy. It was his idea that we consult Abn Altharwa, after all."

"Okay, and if he's still on campus—well, we can always show it to Lady Sybil. It has the kind of restrained elegance she approves of."

"Selecta, take us to Ramkin House."

The carpet rose above the city and accelerated. Within a very short time it descended to the front door of the Vimes-Ramkin mansion that overlooked a splendid view of the city from the corner of Scoone Avenue and

Chrononhotonthologos Street

. It hovered over the large front porch at chair height to allow both Wolfe and Connie ease of disembarking.

"Aranae nailed it," Wolfe commented, "This is definitely faster than a horse and flies in a straight line. Mom and Dad will probably wince when they get the bill but it is just what we need to go consult with major landowners around the Sto Plains."

"It might be a good idea," Connie answered, "if we just got one at first and took turns with it. We should probably squirrel away a number of consulting fees before we sprang for another one."

He rang the doorbell. Moments later Willikins, the family's redoubtable butler, answered.

"Well, good day to you, young gentlemen. And what is that behind you? Is it a Marsidis Binz? A finer carpet was never woven!"

"I suppose so," Wolfe answered hesitantly, "Abn Altharwa didn't give us the name. He just said that the star on the front was unmistakable and that anyone seeing one or the other of us arriving on it would be suitably impressed. And of course since it was in Raey al'Sjjad I have no doubt that it is almost sinfully expensive."

Willikins gave a bland smile. "Oh, most assuredly. You will need to make it property of the Experiment Station to justify the price. The Patrician will scowl but since he will be splitting the cost with the Duke of Quirm, he unlikely to object out loud. Shall I fetch Lady Sybil? I'm sure she will be amused that you two are starting at such a high level."

The Duchess of Ankh was, indeed, amused and equally impressed. She sat down on it as it floated above the porch.

"Hmm, it's rather like sitting on the floor. If you two are going to be jaunting all over the Sto Plains on it, might I suggest a couple of cushions? And possibly even back rests. You don't want to arrive sore and stiff from hours of flight."

Both boys nodded appreciatively. "That's an excellent point, milady. We will have to ask Abn Altharwa if they are included in the price or if we will have to buy them as add-ons."

Sybil sniffed. "Given what the Klatchians charge for these, there is no excuse for them not providing comfort enhancements as part of the bargain. Do insist on them."

"Yes, ma'am. And we will tell Abn Altharwa to bill the Research Station. That way Vetinari and the Duke can arm wrestle over who pays how much of what. Mother will be much relieved."

*****

The following morning Connie arrived for second breakfast, sat down next to Penny and pulled from an inner pocket of his robe—a clacks. Penny raised an enquiring eyebrow.

"It's from Tinwhistle, the butler at the family estate. He is finishing up the renovations to the north wing and wants to know if we want separate bedrooms as well as separate dressing rooms. It appears that many of the neighbors have them."

Penny looked horrified. "Absolutely not! One bedroom and one bed, even if it is a large one. I'm not marrying you to spend nights on the other side of the house. Great-grandmother Gytha insists that the very best possible pillow has a heartbeat and I want to hear yours. Separate bedrooms—what's wrong with those people; does everyone snore loudly?"

"Well my roommates over the last few years never said I do and Velvel says you don't, so I have no idea what their silly excuse is. I'm just glad you agree with me. How are people supposed to stay warm on winter nights if they aren't curled up around each other?"

Great-grandmother Gytha would probably say that enough exercise beneath the sheets heats a lot, too,

Penny thought,

and I'm looking forward to plenty of that. Separate bedrooms—ridiculous!

*****

The Honorable and Mrs. Basil Andrew Wiggs are thrilled to announce the marriage of their daughter, Lethality, to the Most Honorable Samuel Vimes-Ramkin, Marquess of Quire, on the 15

th

of Grune, year of the Impenetrable Pike in a private ceremony.

The ceremony will naturally be held in the Temple of Blind Io, chief of the gods, with the High Priest presiding. Commander Vimes disapproves because it might imply some belief in the chief god (which he vociferously does

not

have) but since the bride's family traditionally manages all of the festivities, no one asked him and Lady Sybil quietly implied that he should just keep his mouth shut. Given the status of the Wiggs family within the Assassins' Guild and of the Guild in Ankh-Morpork and especially that of the Duke of Ankh and his Lady, it will obviously be the major social event of the year. Li really doesn't care. All she wants is to be married to Sammy and to get him into bed as soon as humanly possible. After all, she's been waiting a very long time.

The Honorable and Mrs. Reginald Selachii are thrilled to announce the marriage of their daughter, Passionette, to Dr. Wolfe Woodbead, D.Agro on the 18

th

of Grune, year of the Impenetrable Pike in a private ceremony.

The custodial staff at the Temple of Blind Io are in for a busy couple of days decorating, cleaning, re-decorating and then cleaning again. The High Priest, on the other hand, only has to make sure that he gets the couples' names right. It isn't often that he gets two such high society weddings to officiate in such a short time frame and it just wouldn't do to get them switched.

Penelope Ogg, D.C.L, Lector in the Annals of the Differently Alive, shook her head in wonder at the announcements. Being from a country family from a small kingdom far from Ankh-Morpork she expected that her nuptials would be low-key and simple. She was wrong. Having gone from being the town black sheep who fired random fireballs to the youngest ever faculty member of Unseen University and a best-selling author, she was now the pride of Lancre. Her wedding to Consideration Stibbons, D.Agro and co-director of the Sto Plains Agro-Mancy Experiment station, was, it turned out, to be held in the renovated Lancre Castle at the invitation of their Highnesses King Verance II and his Queen Magrat. The excuse was that the only temple in the city was a small mission church of the god Om and the priest was normally a circuit rider who was only in town a couple of Sundays each month. In order to contain the entire

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Ogg clan, a larger building was needed. So the king and queen opened up the castle for the festivities and invited the Quite Reverand Mightily-Praiseworthy-Are-Ye-Who-Exalteth-Om Oats to preside. They also invited the young couple to spend their honeymoon in the bridal suite of what had become the palace's hotel wing. Nanny Ogg has already mailed a couple of notes with "advice" to the groom. She may be very old but her memory and imagination were still sharp (and lusty) as ever.