Woodn't Ya Now

"So let's go through this again to se if I understand this right," the officer said as he scratched his head and looked at me with a confused and tired expression on his face.

"For crying out loud, officer -- this is the fourth time!" I complained.

The confusion left his face and a look of irritation replaced it. "Listen, this isn't your run of the mill cat-up-a-tree sort of thing..."

I sighed. I realized that, but it had been three hours since the first officer had arrived and I was still in the same position I had been even though there were now twenty police, ambulance and fire people standing around me. I heard more voices coming from the path to the clearing I was in.

"Ok guys, let's set up right here -- make sure you get your focus on the tree," said a familiar voice. I turned my head and saw the speaker of the voice and immediately thought....fuck. The voice belonged to a local reporter for the Channel 43 morning news; the media had been alerted to the situation, my situation, fuck fuck fuck. With the reporter, his name was Mark something-or-other was a sound guy and his camera woman, who looked my way with an arched eyebrow and a slight grin on her face. They set up just a few meters from me...fuck fuck fuck.

The sound man gave the reporter his mike and ear piece, said something in his cell phone, nodded and looked over at the reporter. "Ready? On four. Four, three, two," he raised one finger up and then pointed it at the reporter.

"Good morning Linda! I'm Mark Mydyk here at the Woodsy Woods that was slated for clearing this morning but a situation has arisen that has several emergency crews out here instead of bulldozers. Details are sketchy at the moment but it may have something to do with the tensions between the developers of the land and the U.W.W.W.N.B.T.B.A.T.A.O.A. group that's been protesting the plans to replace the park with the David Suzuki Institute -- a research facility for which the primary purpose will be to investigate why wildlife is disappearing in this area." The reporter put his hand up to his ear.

"What's that Linda? You want to know what the initials stand U.W.W.W.N.B.T.B.A.T.A.O.A stand for?" He flipped through the little notebook he had in his hand.

"Here it is 'Unshaven Women Who Want Nature's Bushes To Be as Thick As Ours Are'..." The reporter looked into the camera as his cheeks began to turn red. He adjusted his earpiece again.

"No, I'm not kidding, Linda, that's the group's name...no, I'm not taking a shot at you because you turned me down for a drink...listen, if I wanted to pet something that wrinkled I'd get myself a pug...Oh, right, I'll see if I can call over someone to talk to me....Officer, can I have a word? So what exactly is the situation?" The officer who had asked me to tell my story to him a fourth time turned from me and strolled over to the reporter.

"Well, Mr. Mydyk, we received a call about seven this morning from a concerned citizen that there seemed to be a man performing an indecent act on a tree," the officer reported leaning into the reporter's mike.

Mark Mydyk saw his dreams of becoming a reporter for the evening news go crashing into the ground. The colour left his face and for several moments remained silent until he quietly asked, "Come again?"

The officer snorted then said in a chuckle, "I'm not sure, haven't asked him about that yet. But as I was saying we sent a patrol car out to investigate and found that the man had some how gotten his genitals stuck into the trunk of the tree behind us here."

Mark Mydyk's future flashed before him; he saw a life of interviewing old ladies and quilting contests. He wanted to pack up now before it got any worse but the camera was still rolling so he started to ask, "How did he..."

"That's unclear at this time -- there's no gnarl in the trunk, in fact, there doesn't seem to be any kind of hole to speak of but he's definitely has his penis stuck in it," the officer replied. "He claims it's some sort of magical tree that tricked him into making love to it and then left him like that."

Mark thought maybe if he left now he could get his old weather watch job back. The camera still rolled on. "Why?"

"He works for the developer of the land -- Pokin, Suman, Alfurrow and Goode and claims he was set up by two women with one green eye and one blue eye and a sprite as revenge for attempting to destroy this property."

Mark looked at the officer. With a tear starting to well in his left eye he sniffed back the lament of what could have been a great journalistic career and softly said, "Ok....Back to you Linda." The soundman signaled they were off-air and Mark Mydyk broke down and started to cry. The officer went over to the rescue team off on the other side of me where they would look over at me, giggle and then continue on talking.

"Fucking sprite-bitch," I half seethed, half bemoaned. It was hard to believe that a scant twenty four hours before I didn't even believe that creatures such as her even existed; they were just the creations of sleep deprived writers and mentally challenged quacks. My mind rolled back to the office the day before where my current plight's base was laid.

I was sitting at my desk looking at por....political opinion when the intercom sparked to life and I heard my boss, Mr. Pokin's gravelly voice bark, "Stanley, come to the meeting room ASAP." The red light went out immediately -- he wasn't waiting for a response which meant I had to get my ass over there straight away.

I arrived at the meeting room and walked in and saw that all the partners were there along with a woman who I didn't know but considering I had seen the agenda for the meeting yesterday I knew who she represented. She was quite a beauty -- considering she was one of those granola crunching eco-whack jobs. She had long flowing blonde hair, straight until halfway down her back and then it had a shy outward curl to it. She had a little meat on her bones for an eco-nut, but from the size of her breasts that were a good couple of half-cantaloupes, she needed it to counter the weight or she'd have to crawl everywhere. She didn't wear make-up, and even from the few feet away that I was I could smell a slight aroma of muskeg emanating from her. The strangest thing about her was her eyes -- one was a misty blue and the other a greenish hue that reminded me of the algae choked pond that I used to skinny dip in back when I was a kid.

"Good morning Mr. Pokin, Mr. Suman, Alfurrow, Mr. Goode," I said through a nervous smile, "And good morning Ms...?"

The woman didn't smile back but answered, "Minerva Cumsthick."

"Please sit and join us, Stanley," Mr. Alfurrow gruffly said. I was always amazed how he could make an order sound so pleasant. I took a seat.

Mr. Pokin looked at me and filled me in. "Ms. Cumsthick represents a group concerned with the development of the Woodsy Woods project." I gave a non-committed grunt.

"And I was trying to convince your bosses that the project was unnecessary and destruction for no reason," Ms. Cumsthick said haughtily.

"Well, Ms. Cumsthick," Mr. Goode said through his mouth flanked by baggy red cheeks, "You see, right now, the woods aren't being utilized to their maximum potential, the institute is going to do...amazing things for the environment in the long run but in the short term there must be sacrifices...uhm right now the property is just sitting there doing nothing for the the community, and well, we...we..." Cumsthick glared at the sweaty bald plate addressing her.

I could see that Mr. Goode was starting to fumble his words so I finished of his explanation with, "Besides we're replacing it with something that people will find useful." The glare now came to rest on me.

Mr. Suman cleared his throat breaking the about-to-strike-cobra-like leer that Ms. Cumsthick had centered on me. "Ms. Cumsthick has offered us a deal to be proactive in avoiding any messy...problems at the ground breaking tomorrow," he said.

"Oh?" I remarked, "What's the deal?"

It was Mr. Alfurrow's turn to speak, "This lovely young lady has offered not to protest tomorrow...as long as a representative of the company agrees to spend the night in the woods tonight."

"To see that the woods are worth protecting," Ms. Cumsthick said avidly and added, "One night and I'm sure that this company would change its mind and take up the cause to protect this land and its natural bounty." Before I could express any opinion, Mr. Pokin spoke.

"And that's precisely why I sent for you, Stanley," he said. "You're our man for this."

There was no smile on Pokin's face, he was dead serious. I was floored -- the closest I had come to any kind of camping was when I got a table too close to the fountain display at "Le Chat's Cul". Even as a child I found the outdoors something to avoid; that's why I had studied engineering so I could tear down the wilds and put up things that didn't have the dirt and bugs but safe concrete and windows. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, a smile stretched along Ms. Cumsthick's face; she had seen the initial horror in my face.

"Of course, yes sir," I said -- what else could I do?

****

An hour before dusk I trudged to the clearing that Ms. Cumsthick had given the directions to as the spot that would protect me most from the dangers of the outdoors. I thought that it would be in the middle of some stinking slough, but it turned out as I hit the marker she had described not to bad. I looked around; the clearing was about forty feet in diameter, only fifteen minutes from the gravel parking lot and thickly clotted with trees in various stages of life -- sprigs, bloom and dying. I was also surprised to see a woman with long curly brunette hair sitting on a large rock around a small fire that she was tending to. I had an almost eerie feeling as I put my hand against a tree that was bent over just inside the clearing. I could have sworn I heard the tree tremble slightly and giggle. I coughed to let her know that I was there.

"Good evening, Mr. Polestiff," the woman said as she came up to me and gave my hand a shake. I had to blink, just like Ms. Cumsthick this woman had one blue eye while the other was green. Maybe, I thought to myself, these women shared their coloured contact lenses or maybe it was something else -- my guttered mind immediately thought that this woman and Ms. Cumsthick were lesbian lovers who were in a rush this morning and just didn't pay attention to what they were doing in the bathroom while they were sponge-bathing each other while they were getting dressed. What could I say? I had watched quite a few political opinions that afternoon.

"My name is Abby Slurpsfeign," the woman said and explained that she'd be the one making sure that I was well taken care of for the night.

I asked where I was expected to sleep, if I could, I muttered under my breath, and she pointed to a scattering of leaves that were on the one side of the fire. She also told me that my bedding would double as my toilet paper if the need be. She showed me the branches that were dry enough to burn that had been piled neatly off to the side. She went into the darkness and came back with another rock and put it beside the one she had been sitting on. She sat back down and offered me the rock to sit on.

As she explained the position of the group on why this area was so important to them I couldn't help but notice that Ms. Slurpsfeign smelt similar to Ms. Cumsthick; muskeggy. I almost had the urge if they were trying to be ecologically friendly and using swamp water to douche, but looking at the bulges on her arms I decided that she could not only easily tear me a new asshole, she could probably snap a tree in half to shove up it.

The sun set without me noticing as Abby droned on about the advantages of retaining this lot of land in its natural state. I had hoped for some sort of entertainment to keep my mind off the bugs and the sounds that bugs made in the night but this wasn't anywhere close to what I could have in my most distant of dreams considered entertainment. Hours passed in as she prattled on with her lecture -- the last time I glanced at my watch is was two in the morning. There was a sound behind me. I turned and saw a figure standing just outside of the glowing firelight.

"Ah, you decided to come over, after all," Abby said to the figure. "Don't be shy now, come on over."

The figure came into the light and stood beside Abby: she was a vision of pure earthen goddess fantasy; she wore only leaves to cover her breasts and a thickly strewn large set of leaves to cover her shapely thighs. Her skin was almost a thick chocolaty brown in hue that had the texture of maybe a twenty-five year old, with eyes matching the luster of her skin. I was amazed at her hair; it was short and dark brown with a greenish tinge to the tips that hung loosely just over her eye brows. Her nose was longish and almost roman like in nature and her lips were thick and looked like plush toss pillows.

"This is Gwendollyn," Abby said then introduced me to the young woman. I stood up and offered my rock to her, she declined so I sat back down again. The night progressed with Gwendollyn standing silently as Abby continued on her nature appreciation crash course. I looked at the time: it was four in the morning before Abby actually stopped talking. Every once in a while when she had stopped for a second in her oration I had tried to mention that we were trying to utilize the land for something that people could use, but I sensed that she wasn't listening. She stood up.

Abby picked up her knapsack and gave the woman a nod and a wink to me. I watched as she walked across the clearing to the path and disappeared into the trees. I wished that the sun was still up -- I could have sworn that my giggling tree was no longer where it had been when I had walked in. This experience must have been playing on my brain more than I had thought.

There was a few moments of unsettling quietness as I looked at my feet not knowing what I was supposed to say to the woman wearing the leaves -- what does one say to someone who was obviously mentally unstable? I looked up and saw that Gwendollyn had moved closer to me and was staring at me with those deep dark brown eyes. She reached over, grabbed my hand, put it on her chest and smiled.

"You are bee," Gwendollyn said, her voice almost soft as the chirp of a robin early in the morning just before a rock is thrown at it. She paused then added as if she figured I didn't understand. "I am flower." I stood there, my hand on her chest, half my palm on the leaf that covered her left breast, not knowing what the woman was expecting. In my mind I raced through the different scenarios: a set up for a bogus rape charge, a set up for an improper sexual gesture charge or even she was just really really horny. I decided that I would opt for the last option and pray for the best.

I slowly peeled the leaf covering her left breast off. I didn't realize the leaves were connected and the other leaf covering her right breast slipped off as well, freeing her small perked breasts to bounce a little. I noticed that the tops of her nipples stuck out, I wondered if it was because of my boldness or the coolness of the night. I stood there holding the leaf bikini top with my hand still stretched out, unmoving, not knowing what the woman's reaction would be. She gave me a smile and a wink, turned so her back was to me but made no movement to leave or hide herself any more than that.

My mouth was dry; I had to do something. I dropped the leaves and stepped behind her. Wordlessly, I kissed her and reached my hands around to touch her breasts. She snuggled close into my body and gave a slight moan as I started massaging her nipples. I couldn't help but notice that her mouth reminded me of one of the toothpick that you get at restaurants -- you know, the ones that start out all minty and then take on a woody taste as they rest in your mouth. Her lips offered no resistance and wrapped around my tongue and pulled me inside even farther.

Gwendollyn turned around without breaking the kiss and slid off my jacket, unbuttoned my shirt and discarded onto the mossy ground. She ran her hands along my bare chest; I felt the tingle of her fingernails leaving their mark in my skin. Her tongue slid deep into my mouth, it felt not moist and fleshy but like when my grandmother would give me the ladle to lick off the icing when she was making a cake. Her hand started to rub my back with its staffing nails while her other hand explored the waistband of my pants. The button of my suit pants unsnapped and her hand slid into my shorts and she gripped my hardness gingerly.

She took her hand away and pushed herself hard against me, I could feel the wetness of her soaking through my pants and warming my hard cock. She wiggled her hips, moving my shaft in the limited room it had in its fabriced cage. I couldn't stop myself from uttering a groan and then a grunt as my cock flexed itself trying to push itself out of my pants and into her.

I pushed her gently to the ground. I moved down between her legs and began kissing her inner thighs, letting my tongue taste her soft flesh. I couldn't get the aroma of pine out of my head. I ran my tongue up and around the bottom of her stomach. Her belly button had been pierced, so I let my lips cover it and let my tongue tickle it before I moved to the other thigh. I let my tongue swirl around, each time widening my circle until I could flick her moist pussy lips wit the edge of my tongue.

Her back arched and her hands were trembling as she put them on my head and gently guided my lips towards her own swollen vaginal folds. I stuck my tongue into her, tasting her sweetness -- which reminded me of grandma's pancake with maple syrup breakfasts so long ago. I wasn't only turned on but now I thought that maybe next winter about vacationing in Quebec during the maple season and trying my hand at tasting the raw maple sap -- but then it came to mind that they put taps into the trees and the thought of me sucking on a tap sticking out of tree might be a little gay. Her hips spasmed, drawing my attention back fully to her tasty spread.

I moved up a little and noticed that she had even her clitoral hood pierced. I nibbled around the piercing then moved my tongue in and around the base of her engorged clit. The stud felt smooth against the top of my lip as I let the hood trace my lip as my tongue curled itself along its base. I took the swollen nub into my mouth and nibbled. The woman let out a large long moan and with an almost in-human like strength pulled my head from her clit and onto the ground.

I was stunned -- had I gone too far? Maybe I had done something wrong? I wasn't sure but as I sat on my ass on the ground she soothed my worries when Gwendollyn spoke with a high lilting tone, "You have tasted my well, now I want to taste your root." I didn't know what root she was talking about but I was really hoping she meant my cock which was achingly hard with pre-cum already seeping from it. She confirmed my hope when she gripped my pants and underwear at the same time and pulled them off my legs. The cool breeze shocked my hardened shaft, making it throb even more as the air took away the moisture that had covered my cock tip into the night.

Gwendollyn licked the tip of my quivering cock then slowly began kiss and flick in wider circles until her mouth had taken my tip into the warmth of her mouth. She rolled her tongue along the sides and then she moved her lips until she had almost half my cock inside her mouth. I moaned when her hand reached and started to caress my balls lightly. I had thought that she wasn't going to take anymore of my hard shaft deeper into her; she slid her lips down even further until I could feel the warmth of her breath coming from her nose on the base of my cock. I gave out a groan of pleasure as the tip of my cock rubbed against her hot slick mouth.