Mike didn't like the weird looking rock sitting on the table in front of him.
It wasn't just the fact that the bulky pile of grit was gaudy, or that it was about as practical to the room as a skylight in a Star Cruiser. What
really
set his teeth on edge was the fact that his Orc captor kept habitually running her hand across it, as though she was obsessed with discovering its nonexistent secrets through touch alone.
It was a curiously amorphous blob of black volcanic rock: sitting smack dab in the center of the conference table inside the upscale lounge of Lashvara's ship. The rock had been carefully sculpted, carved into a dizzying array of patterns and edges and circular holes with which to stick one's fingers through.
It had a curving, atypical surface, never falling into uniformity as the thing bulged and indented across the whole of its exterior. A blue, mossy beard grew from one portion of the stone, irregular and unnaturally sheared into shape. He ran his fingers across one section, and it felt as smooth as silk. Moving further on, it was as if his fingers were brushing across sandpaper.
"What the hell is this thing?" He asked his Orcish host. It sat there, goading him with its pointless presence. He tugged at the metal band wrapped around his left hand like a confining bracelet. The metal did not yield.
"Stop touching that." Lashvara barked, planting a hand on his shoulder and shoving him back into his seat around the dark wood table. Allynna poked her head out from around the rock formation and stared at Mike.
Mike gave Lashvara a scandalized look as the Orc slowly paced the room. "Why else would you stick it there?" He said, holding out both his hands in exasperation.
"For fellow Diplomats. For men and women who know the importance of culture." The Orc said, folding her arms.
"It's a rock you cut holes into."
"This is my Grandfather's
Garanghad
, his spirit obelisk." She replied. Her hand moved across the rock in a slow, sweeping gesture. "The stone itself is taken from the highest peak he ever climbed. It was hand carved by a specially-trained
Mufi
, who devoted five years of his life speaking to friends, family, acquaintances, and even his enemies. The hearts of all those my Grandfather's life touched. He collected their feelings about him, the good and the bad, and poured his soul into the piece. It is wholly unique: one of less than a half dozen this particular
Mufi
ever made in his lifetime."
"You always give this canned explanation to visiting tourists?" Mike quipped.
Lashvara folded her arms again. "It is the legacy of all he was. His anger, his fears, his hopes..." her hand passed across a particularly smooth, inverted section. "His love," her fingers danced across a large, prickly section, "his... abrasiveness. A fitting symbol of our people to display to outsiders: we bare our souls to those we treat with."
Mike laughed. "Yeah? And where's his sex drive located at? Under the fuzzy part?"
Lashvara smirked, thumbing a sharp corner with her fingernail. "In deference to other culture's squeamishness, we elected to have that located on the bottom of the piece."
"Gotta get a good grope in to reach it, huh?" Mike said. The Orc laughed.
"Captain," Allynna interrupted. "I believe our interests would be better served by focusing on more pressing matters."
"You can drop the 'Captain' moniker, Elf." The smiling Orc said. "You're not fooling anyone. Or at least, nobody within a five kilometer radius of the two of you."
"Why?" Mike asked, "Do those little green satellite dishes in your head not get reception past that point? Besides, I
am
her Captain."
"I'm more of a Captain than you at this point." Lashvara retorted. Mike heard what sounded suspiciously like a muffled sigh leave Allynna's lips from across the table.
"Laugh it up, Aly." Mike said, shooting Lashvara a side-eyed glare. "You call this gutted monstrosity a ship? Your living quarters look more like a locker room!"
"This ship was repurposed." Lashvara answered, staring at him with her brown, beady eyes. "It is a vessel of peace, meant to hold meetings of Galactic importance to the Orcish people. A tribe needs diplomacy to survive. And what use are separating walls to living quarters? What could you possibly wish to conceal while you are asleep?"
"My dignity?" Mike queried.
Lashvara smirked. "You never had any to begin with."
"For a vessel of peace, this ship is surprisingly well armed." Mike replied, kicking his feet up onto the table and crossing his legs.
Lashvara kicked his feet off the translucent vibroglass. "-I said we were
diplomats
, not fools. An Orc who enters a negotiation unarmed is just a hostage."
"Is that what we're calling this thing you're having us do then?" Mike said, waving a callous hand in a pirouette around the room full of Orcish Art. "A hostage negotiation?"
Lass let out a guffaw. "If you'd prefer, we can just call it blackmail."
"What do you think Fignet Opalbraid is going to think when the people he hired to do a job show up on his doorstep three days later, empty handed?" Mike said, squirming in the overly cushiony chair. He missed the Pilot's seat of the
Halfbreed
. "Do you think he's gonna want to talk to us about screwing you people over? Or
maybe