Belinda at Cat

FaunaClub Website Transcript Draft

2/22/2005

"The Starke and Ryan Morning Show"

6 a.m. to 10 a.m.

This excerpt came from a draft of the transcript of an interview with Belinda, a dancer at the Fauna Club, conducted by Melody Starke and Jamie Ryan, on KCAT's top-rated morning show. You can tell the difference between ours and KCAT's because we kept all the stuff that happened during the station breaks. Just the sort of thing we feel you deserve for being a member!

STATION BREAK ENDS.

STARKE

And we're back with a special guest—

RYAN

And you ain't kiddin'!

STARKE

--who has Ryan's hormones completely boiling over, and can probably do the same for you. She's a grey desert wolf, and she dances at the Fauna Club, Davine Maxwell's, uh...gentleman's club out in City of Industry.

RYAN

And her name is Belinda! Welcome to the show.

BELINDA

Thank you for having me.

RYAN

(dreamily)

If only...

STARKE

(rolls her eyes)

BELINDA

It's okay, Melody. I get that all the time.

STARKE

I suppose in your line of work, that's an occupational hazard?

BELINDA

It can be...depends on who's responsible. Usually...it's me. (laughs)

RYAN

I can see why! But getting back to why you're here... The Fauna Club is hosting a charity auction this weekend, isn't that right?

BELINDA

That's right, Jamie. This Friday at 7:30 right at the club, just off the 605 on Santo Domingo Real and Logan. We've actually been doing this auction for four years now, though this is only the second time I've been in it.

STARKE

And each year, you pick a different organization?

BELINDA

Exactly. The previous three were St. Jude's, Cedars-Sinai Children's Hospital, and Habitat for Humanity. This year, we're doing it to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

RYAN

And they, uh, they're okay with this?

BELINDA

We have had a few organizations tell us that they would rather not have us represent them in any way, but they have by far been the exception, not the rule.

STARKE

Well, the owner, Davine Maxwell, has never been a stranger to controversy, or to good causes. I understand that the club has itself been something of a charity case.

BELINDA

I didn't work there before she took over, but from what I understand from the other artists, things used to be very different. All I know is it's not like any exotic dance club I've ever visited.

RYAN

You used the word "artist." Is that a euphemism?

BELINDA

Not at all. What we do is definitely an art.

RYAN

Well, yeah, but...

BELINDA

But what?

RYAN

Ah...

STARKE

Well, I think what my partner is trying to get to without ruining his chances to flirt with you is the idea that at most clubs, dancers do more than, uh, dance.

BELINDA

Maybe at other clubs. The Fauna Club has very strict policies about what artists and clients are allowed to do. That's one of the reasons why we have such good rapport with the community, not just in City of Industry, but in LA at large.

RYAN

Um...I really have to apologize for that—I guess I just wasn't thinking. For those of you listening, we're talking with Belinda...?

BELINDA

Just Belinda.

RYAN

...right. Belinda, an artist at the Fauna Club, an exotic dance club that is holding its fourth annual charity auction Friday night at 7:30. So how long is this auction going to last?

BELINDA

We'll stay open until the last lot is auctioned off, though we do have to stop serving alcohol at 2 a.m. Perhaps sooner for you, I'm thinking.

(laughter)

STARKE

You know, it probably sounds like a cliché, but I have to say that you don't fit my preconceived notion of an exotic dancer.

BELINDA

How so?

STARKE

Well, I mean, you definitely are attractive, but you carry yourself more like a marketing executive than a dancer.

BELINDA

Well, thank you! I appreciate that; I'm studying marketing at UCLA. Right now, at the club, I've been selling my own line of t-shirts in the gift shop.

RYAN

That's right! I had heard something about that... the, uh, "Toys 'R Us" thing...

BELINDA

(giggles) Oh, yes, I did a shirt with my likeness on it that said "Toys 'R Me." I guess I got a little too close to the "Toys 'R Us" logo with that one—got my first "cease and desist" order. Hopefully my last.

STARKE

But they sold pretty well, didn't they?

BELINDA

We had a lot of people disappointed that we can't sell them anymore.

RYAN

Now, a lot of people listening probably have never seen Belinda, but there's a significance to the "Toys 'R Me" line, isn't there?

BELINDA

(reluctant, but friendly) Well, Jamie, that's true. Those who have been to the club will know this, but I'm actually inflatable.

STARKE

Wow! How did that happen? And is it just parts of you, or a full-body...

BELINDA

(interrupting, but still friendly) Melody, if it's okay with you, I'd really rather talk about the club and the auction right now—I hope you don't mind.

STARKE

Oh, of course not! I'm so sorry if I've offended you.

BELINDA

No, no, it's fine! (puts a hand on STARKE'S shoulder) Believe me, I would have been surprised if questions hadn't come up at some point. But getting back to the club, we think that this year's auction will go very well—each year, we've had higher and higher proceeds, and it's for such a good cause.

RYAN

(Somewhat suggestively) So what sorts of things are you auctioning off?

BELINDA

We've had a lot of donated items, Jamie; James Distributors has donated several cases of champagne, both for refreshments and as starter items; the girls have autographed photos...

RYAN

And other things, I'll bet.

BELINDA

That is true; we're each autographing various pieces of costumes we've used in the past...

STARKE

I understand some of your items did pretty well last year.

BELINDA

They did. I usually wait to autograph my items until after the winner comes to claim them. I think it adds a certain personal touch if I can write a message to the winner. You know, the people that come out to our auction don't have to bid, so I like to let them know in some small way that I appreciate it.

RYAN

Man, I'll bet you could write a novel on one of your bras!

(STARKE throws Belinda an apologetic look.)

BELINDA

(Slyly) Last year, I managed to get the Bill of Rights in, but it took both cups.

RYAN

(Blushing furiously) Um...ah...

STARKE

I think you've blown our cute little fox's mind, dear.

BELINDA

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

STARKE

Well, we're going to take a short break and pay some bills, and I'll try to reboot my partner.

STATION BREAK

STARKE

So you're really inflatable?

BELINDA

(Much less reluctant) That's right. Through and through.

RYAN

(Slowly recovering, taking a big sip of water) How does that work, exactly?

BELINDA

I was constructed from a very complex space-age polymer that contains nanomachines that can simulate muscles, so I have complete freedom of movement.

STARKE

Wow! But you're completely full of air?

BELINDA

That's right.

STARKE

What's that like? I mean, are you very light?

BELINDA

I wear weighted shoes when I'm not on stage, and often my outfits are a bit heavier than normal...

RYAN

Don't you worry about being popped? Like being punctured, or something?

BELINDA

Not really. My skin is very difficult to damage, not only because it's resilient, and tough, but because it's self-repairing.

RYAN

Do you mind if I...(reaches out)

STARKE

(angrily) Jamie! Please!

BELINDA

(smiling sweetly) No, it's all right, Melody. (to RYAN) Go ahead...

RYAN

(hesitantly) Um, thank you. (to STARKE) I'll behave. (He touches BELINDA gently on the shoulder, which is exposed by her off-the-shoulder blouse design.) Wow, that feels soooo...man, that's something else.

STARKE

Oh, yes. Very respectful. (But she moves closer.) I, uh...

BELINDA

(giggling, genuinely amused) Go ahead.

STARKE

(reaching out to BELINDA's other shoulder) Um, thanks...wow. I never would have thought you were inflatable to look at you, except that your coat is a little shiny...

BELINDA

Oh, that's the studio lights. I haven't adjusted my texture map to compensate for the brightness...

(The director gives a signal to let everyone know there are only 15 seconds left.)

RYAN

Texture...? Oh, man, I have so many questions. But we're on in 15...

BELINDA

No problem. We can talk more on the next break.

STATION BREAK ENDS

RYAN

And we're back on KCAT 105.7, the Starke and Ryan show! With us, we have the beautiful Belinda, who dances at the Fauna Club, and she's here to tell us about a charity auction...

BELINDA

That's right, Jamie, this Friday at 7:30 p.m., we're going to kick off the Fourth Annual Fauna Club Charity Auction to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

RYAN

Now, there's no nudity during the show.

BELINDA

That's right. But we are dressing up for this one—(mostly to RYAN) You know, we also look good with our clothes on!

(laughter)

RYAN

You get no argument from me on that score. Now, I also understand that high bidders can win dates with the artists...

BELINDA

We have agreements with several of the best area restaurants, so you can win lunch or dinner with specific dancers, and some of the lots offer your choice.

STARKE

But that's just dinner, right?

BELINDA

Well, if you win a dinner out with me, I won't be upset if you take me out to a play or a movie too!

(laughter)

But that's up to you. We do have a disclaimer that I will read at this point—(takes a sheet of paper out of her briefcase)—"Any dates with dancers are strictly to be held at public venues, and no offer of companionship beyond amiable conversation and various shared public events is expressly promised, implied, or expected in any way, shape, or form."

RYAN

Well, that's pretty strict.

BELINDA

We have not had a problem to date, but we wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea. (Winks)

RYAN

I, for one, have not the first notion of how someone like you could give someone the wrong idea.

STARKE

Hey, Jamie, how would you describe the color of Belinda's eyes? (winks at BELINDA)

RYAN

Well, I, ah... (holds up a hastily-scribbled sticky-note with the word "INDIGO!" on it; BELINDA giggles) They're very sparkly eyes... very, ah, pretty...

STARKE

(Grinning slyly) Let me guess...you weren't looking at her eyes, were you?

RYAN

Hey, it's tough enough hosting this show with a vixen like you. When there are two lovely ladies in the studio, I just can't deal, you know?

STARKE

(Teasingly) Silly fox.

BELINDA

(Smirking) Okay...I'll ask you an easier one, Jamie. You've hosted this show with Melody for something like eight years now—what color are her eyes?

RYAN

Oh, that's easy. Her eyes are amber!

STARKE

(Laughing) Dear, he memorized that years ago...

RYAN

(Seemingly offended) Now that simply isn't true, partner! (Doing a blatantly cheesy Sean Connery impression) I wrote it down so I wouldn't have to remember.

(Laughter)

STARKE

Oh, brother. On that note, I think we'd better play a couple of promos. We've been talking with Belinda, from the Fauna Club Gentlemen's Club in the City of Industry, just off the 605 on Santo Domingo Real and Logan, where they're having a charity auction at 7:30 this Friday, benefiting the Make-A-Wish Foundation.. Don't miss out! I'm Melody Starke...

RYAN

And I'm Jamie Ryan. You're listening to the Starke and Ryan Morning Show on 105.5 KCAT Radio—playing loud and proud with 100,000 Watts of sound all around!

STATION BREAK

RYAN

Well, that was great. You're really a natural at this.

BELINDA

Thank you. That's one of the reasons I do these interviews.

RYAN

It's funny, though—I would have guessed that you're kind of shy, despite the looks and the outfit.

BELINDA

I suppose I'm a closet introvert, but I do enjoy learning about other furs. I'm always surprised at how different you guys are on and off the air.

RYAN

Hey, we have a reputation to keep up. She's still the smart one off air, though.

STARKE

(Laughs) But he knows that, and so we argue a lot less when the mics are off.

BELINDA

So you two are...?

STARKE

No, we're just good friends.

BELINDA

But you get along so well together.

RYAN

Yeah, but it's...um, a bad idea to get married to a co-worker, and...

STARKE

We really want to keep the show interesting.

BELINDA

Of course. Speaking of which, I believe you had a few more questions?

RYAN

A few? More like a million. (To the director) Rich, can you stretch the break?

(The director nods.)

RYAN

So...you were talking about adjusting your coat...

BELINDA

Oh, that. I can texture-map my skin. Comes in handy when a girl wants to look her best.

STARKE

So what's your natural color?

BELINDA

Well, I don't know if I'd say it's a "natural" color...maybe "default." I'm a basic silver—the fur you "see" is part of the texture map. During my act, I often change to complement or even match the lighting. I'd like to think it adds an extra sort of panache to my act.

RYAN

Do you ever use your...uh, inflatability...as part of the act?

BELINDA

Of course! It enhances the sense of mystery—and some guys like the look, too.

RYAN

I can understand that!

BELINDA

(Smiling) I could tell by the way your scent changed when you touched me.

(RYAN makes a choking noise, and STARKE bursts out laughing.)

BELINDA

But when your scent changed, it kinda surprised me, Melody.

(Dead silence. STARKE blushes deeply.)

BELINDA

(Smiles) Anyway, I don't flaunt my body more than you'd expect in my line of work, but I'm definitely comfortable in my own skin, so to speak.

STARKE

Do you get guys...uh, people trying to, like, experiment with you? Try to—

BELINDA

Pop me? Not often. Usually, it only takes one warning, but we did have a guy who had to be thrown out once.

RYAN

I take it that doesn't happen often?

BELINDA

Very rarely.

RYAN

Now, the club's no-touching policy would seem to make the dancers hard to approach as it is...

BELINDA

We're very friendly—overall, the attitude is more burlesque than anything else. Plus, the no-touching policy really only applies to, um, sexual touching. It's not like we can't shake paws, or hug, or stuff like that. But it's definitely PG-13 touching.

(The director gives the 15-second signal.)

STARKE

We gotta go back on...

RYAN

But it was great meeting you!

BELINDA

Likewise...maybe you'll both stop by the club and see me sometime. (Smiles)

RYAN

Sure!

(STARKE just smiles, but nods, as the spot music fades in.)

STATION BREAK ENDS