Not Bible Camp Ch 02

Copyright 2010 by Donald R. Barber aka diggypop.

As before this story combines a religious atmosphere with sexual tension and any statements made by any characters do not necessarily represent my views or even their own, if they have something to hide, and many of them do. Read at your own risk.

*****

June 15

Well, I still don't know how I feel about things so I'm just going to write down what happened today from the first to the last and let it all sort itself out. I don't know if that'll actually work but patience is a virtue so maybe if we all waited for things to sort themselves out more we wouldn't get into fights and wars as much as we do. Not that I need to fight anybody.

Anyway, I don't know what that stuff Counselor Jameson (seems weird to call her that and not use her first name after we kissed and all, but Counselor Jeremy says it's good to remind us they're here to teach us) gave me was, but it made me sleep like a baby. I was worried I'd have a wet dream and mess up another pair of briefs, but it wasn't that bad. Still made a couple of spots, but not too bad. Still had some weird dreams though – girls kept walking by me and brushing me with their boobies, or reaching their hands out and touching my pecker.

And then there was one where Jill was standing real close, and it was like her smell just filled up my nose (until then, I didn't know you could smell things in dreams) and before I knew what was up I had me a hard-on. And she just looked down, and I guess she saw it, cause she just got this look of disgust on her face and ran like she'd seen the devil. I was all set to run after her but that darn loudspeaker told us it was time to wake up, so I did that instead.

For a second I thought Jill was mad at me cause she just grunted at me, and I had to remind myself she couldn't know I dreamt about her. Luckily, we'd both gone to the lake and hadn't sweated so I couldn't smell her yet. But anyway it turned out she was just drowsy. They don't give us coffee and even if they did she says Adventists aren't supposed to have high-caffeine beverages, and she's been having enough trouble sleeping as it is.

Well, that brought me up short. I knew girls masturbated but I didn't think Jill did, and I certainly couldn't ask her if that was the cause, so I just tried to be casual and say, Anything keeping you up nights, and she said she wasn't sure, maybe she just wasn't used to being in a cabin with other girls.

I almost told her about the sleeping pill they gave me, but I didn't want to get into all of it. Up till now I hadn't considered what would happen to Jill if she asked for help. I'm sure they treat girls different, but what if someone wanted to give her a massage or something to relax her? I got this image in my head of her wrapped in a towel, with some good-looking counselor getting his hands all over her, and I figured I'd just keep my mouth shut.

I know it's wrong to not trust Jill to a counselor; we have to trust them to look out for us, and Jill's is sure to do that if she asks. But she can ask for help on her own; plus if I told her what happened with me, she'd get real upset, I can tell. Maybe she'd leave. She probably wouldn't talk to me any more. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, either.

But all I said was I was sorry she wasn't sleeping well and I'd pray for her to get some sleep if she'd like and she smiled at that (in a good way) and said I was considerate, and she hoped we could talk more in the garden, when she was a bit more awake, cause she enjoyed talking to me, cause I was a good listener and didn't laugh at the things she said like the boys at her old school. Then she blushed.

Anyhow, the morning meditation was on Tamar, who was the wife of Judah's son, who had to pretend to be a prostitute to get her father-in-law to knock her up when her husband was killed by God, and his replacement, Onan, got killed too for shooting off on the ground instead of in her where it belonged.

So we were supposed to reflect on how the sex drive exists so we can make babies, and both girls and guys need to recognize that's why our bodies seem like they're playing tricks on us, and once again I'm not sure I got the point exactly, but I did think about what it would be like to get both Counselor Jameson and Jill impregnated with my seed, and the thought of their breasts and bellies swelling up got me kind of excited. I made sure to fantasize it was in biblical times, and that I'd married both of them. It takes a little effort sometimes to make sure your fantasies aren't immoral.

Of course, then I had to work with Jill in the garden, which maybe I should say one of the gardens. Like I wrote before, there's a lot of garden. They have a big old section I hadn't even seen before just for flowers, which is a little weird. I don't think flowers are weird. I think it's weird that this place has a big old flower garden, but they don't tell anybody about it unless they've got some work to do.

We spent the entire time looking for bugs. Just looking; if we saw any they didn't want us to do anything but take pictures. They said we wouldn't know which bugs were good and which were bad, and they had a different way of dealing with each bad bug, so that's all we did.

They said they wanted us to be thorough, so we needed to take our time, and they even packed us our own picnic lunch, and told us we should take at least an hour lunch.

I couldn't figure out why they were being so nice. I mean the counselors are always nice, but this felt like special treatment. But I also would have felt stupid complaining about it.

So we just spent our time strolling through the flowers, looking for bugs. Of course, we both had on big, floppy hats to keep from getting sunstroke, and once she was talking to me and the brim of her hat kind of blocked me from looking into her eyes, so I just reached out and tilted it up so I was looking right at her, and she smiled.

I wish I knew flowers. I mean, I could tell some were poppies, and some were sunflowers, and there was some kind of roses, but all Counselor Hartley would tell me when I asked her what was what, was, not to touch them, and especially not to pick any, now matter how much I think it'll impress somebody, so I kept my hands off them.

I tried to see if Jill knew anything, but she said she never studied flowers, so I said, kind of teasing, that I was sure she'd gotten more flowers than I had, and she said, kind of clipped, that her parents had said she couldn't go on dates or have boys courting until she was 18, and they hadn't tried anyway.

Well, I didn't know what to say. Maybe if I were slick like some guys I would have had something to say. I could have said she was pretty and those boys didn't know what they were missing, but I don't think she's really all that pretty. Maybe I do think about her, and I've been looking at her a lot, but aside from the counselors, she'd the only person here that's given me the time of day.

And writing it down, I can tell that comes off just plain mean, and I know we're all beautiful in God's eyes, but even if I did pour ion the sweet talk, she'd just think I was trying to get in her pants, and I'd probably think the same thing if somebody else tried it.

But that didn't mean I didn't feel bad hearing her talk like that. And I felt I had to do or say something. So when I saw a tuft of dandelions had taken root, I figured what the heck and yanked them up and said well I guess this is the first time a guy ever gave you flowers then, and then smiled so she could just laugh it off like a joke if she didn't want to take it serious, but her face got kind of cloudy.

She said, "Dandelions are a weed. You gave me a weed." And then she was quiet.

And that's when I got kind of mad. I felt like saying I was just trying to be nice, or something else defensive like that, but somehow that's not what came out.

I told her when I was a kid there were only two kinds of flowers that grew wild in our yard, clover and dandelions. And clover doesn't hardly look like a flower, so the only real flowers I knew were dandelions. And when they were yellow, they were pretty enough, but what I waited for was for them to turn into puffballs so I could blow on them and make a wish, and I made more wishes than I can remember. And now I've grown up they say it's a weed.

"Jill, when you say 'weed' I hear you say, 'I'm not wanted,' but I think a weed's just a plant somebody can't control."

I wish I could of thought of more to say, but that's all I came up with. She nodded her head and said, "That's me. I can't even control myself."

So I started tying the stems to each other so all the dandelions were hooked together like a necklace then I took off her hat and put the dandelions around her neck and I said, "Solomon in all his glory was not adorned like you are now," and I said she better not argue cause it's in the Bible, and that's when she hugged me, real tight.

It was from the side so her waist was on my hip so she couldn't tell but my pecker was starting to get hard before she let go. I noticed again how she smelled and I wanted to smell more, I don't know why. If I thought she wouldn't run screaming Id've grabbed and kissed her right on the mouth. Part of me wishes I had.

We didn't say a lot after that. But it was real nice walking around all those flowers, and some of them smelled real nice, and when we ate lunch, she sat Indian style, and the way her skirt lay it sat over her knees, and even though she has real scrawny legs I still liked looking at them, and I think she knew.

Counselor Jameson said she wanted to work with me on dialogue but when she got me alone all she wanted to talk about was me and Jill. I was kind of embarrassed but she said it was so wonderful me and Jill hit it off so well and that's why they paired us off.

Well, I'd wondered if that was the case, but I said we did get on pretty well, and I said I was kind of surprised, cause I'm not good at meeting new people, and she just smiled like she knew something.

Then she said that Jill had been picked on in high school and more than anything else she could use a guy who made her feel special and beautiful and if I could do that it would be wonderful, and that's when I came clean.

I said I liked Jill and I'm sorry she was treated mean but I just can't tell her she's beautiful and I wished I could, cause she deserved to hear it, but I can't say a thing like that unless I mean it and I just don't find her beautiful.

She looked at me kind of severe and said, "Chris, are you telling me we aren't all beautiful in God's eyes?"

So I said I can't speak for what God sees, and she said part of being a Christian is seeing people with God's eyes and I couldn't argue with that, I just sat quiet for a while, and neither of us said anything.

Then I said, "I don't know how to do that," and I felt real ashamed, like I should know how but I just never figured it out.

And she said, "Chris, we can teach you, but you have to commit to it totally. You have to want to see her as the beautiful child of God she is, and you have to show her how beautiful she is. Will you do that?"

So I said I would. And I asked what I had to do.

And she said that first, we had to practice kissing some more. And that sounded like fun, but not like it was such a good idea if I was going to try to make Jill feel beautiful, and she asked me if I'd done something nice for Jill today and I said yes, I guess I had, and she said so maybe what we did actually helped you with Jill.

And I said maybe that was true but it was also something I couldn't tell her about and that worried me.

So she said I needed to trust more in the cleansing power of Christ's blood and the fire of the Holy Spirit. She said once me and Jill are together whatever happened in the past is wiped away, and what Jill is going to need is a lover who can show her how much he desires her, and I need to learn to kiss her like she's the kind of woman who deserves to be kissed, and I had a lot of work until I could pull that off.

So I let myself be persuaded. It is true me and Jill haven't made any promises to each other, but to be honest I'd be kind of mad if I knew she was practicing kissing with Counselor Steele, but I hope I'd know enough not to blow up at her about it. I just really don't think she's that kind of girl. I hope not anyway.

So Counselor Jameson said there's all kinds of kisses and she figures I'm probably as fluid as I need to be with the peck on the cheek you give your mom and dad. So we're gonna start with the surprise kiss. The point of that one is you and the other person seem to like each other pretty well but you ain't ironed out exactly how you like each other. This kind of sends a signal but not one so serious you got to worry about it.

If they plant one on you later it's like raising the pot in a poker game (I never played but I've seen it in old Westerns) and you can figure things are going pretty well. It's best done when you aren't on a date, or at least neither of you calls it that, and of course neither of you has a girlfriend or husband or whatever.

So we start out talking about sports, which I don't know if she's really into, but it didn't matter cause she just played dumb and asked me a bunch of softball questions like, "When do you have to stop the clock in a football game?" and, "Why does a foul shot only get one point?" and after about three or four she said, "I never really understood sports but you explain things really well," and so that's when I kissed her. But I kind of ruined it by putting my hand behind her neck and pulling her towards me.

She reminded me I need to keep it light and quick. Make sure you're both close enough you don't have to lunge, or pull or anything, and if they act real surprised say something like, "Sorry, you're just so cute I couldn't resist."

I nodded, then leaned right in and gave her another one, just like she described. She nodded but said I'd still need to work on it.

Then we worked on the good-night kiss, which you usually do on a date, but if you just ,et someone at a dance club or wherever and walked them home or to their car, you might try it then. Both people have to lean in for it to work, and one thing to keep in mind is not everyone likes to tongue-kiss after a first date, so don't try unless they've made it clear it's OK.

Well, I'm pretty sure Jill won't be using her tongue for anything other than to remind me to be a gentleman, so I figured I didn't even need to worry about it. But then we started acting out the end of the date, so to speak.

She asked me to pretend we were standing at the door of her house. I was dropping her off after dinner and a movie, and she'd made it clear she wanted at least a second date. I also had to pretend she was wearing something a little nicer, like a dress she might wear to church in the summer. She apologized for not dressing the part, and I said it was OK, I hoped I'd be better dressed if I ever went on a date, and she made a little 'Oh' with her mouth like I'd said something surprising.

I don't remember if I mentioned before and I'm not about to go looking back for it, but I never really dated in high school. We didn't have dances, and my dad didn't like me using the car if it wasn't for school or for a job, and even then usually him or Mom drove. He said it was because the car really belonged to the church, and it was for necessities, not pleasantries, but I remember one summer him and Mom took a square-dancing class at the community college, and how do you think they got there every Tuesday and Thursday?

I remember once I almost asked if I could go to a different church, just so I could meet some kids my own age, but you can't really do that when your dad's the pastor.

So anyway, she starts off by saying, "I had the best time tonight, Chris. I just love spending time with you. Let's make sure to meet up again soon!"

So I leaned in, ready to just give her a couple of seconds, and she holds the back of MY head and keeps my lips planted on hers for a good ten seconds! Then she pulls away, and I can tell already by the look on her face it's lecture time.

She said, all serious, "Chris, what do you think a kiss is?"

And I said, "Well, like you said, a kiss is something you show affection with."

"And just how much affection was that kiss supposed to show?"

Well, I have to admit, that one stumped me.

"A kiss isn't a polite gesture, Chris, unless it's your aunt or your grandmother. In every kiss, you should let the other person feel what you feel about them. That you're attracted to them, that you have tender feelings, that you don't really want to leave them, even though you have to – all that should come through, and just with the lips!"

"Now, do you want to try that again?"

She told me to think of the last girl I'd had a crush on, before coming to camp. She said no matter how it really turned out, there was a time when I allowed myself to think, even for a second, that she'd like me back. She said I needed to find that moment, and let that kiss say what I wished I'd said.

And, that time, I'm pretty sure I did better. I started to kind of get into the feeling of someone else's lips on mine. I think my breath even came up short a little bit. I only wish I'd been thinking about Jill.

But instead my head was filled with thoughts of all the pretty girls I'd been too shy to approach, in junior high and high school, and the few I did get up the nerve to speak to, the mean and the nice ones, and how even the nicest ones didn't seem to want anything other than to let me down easy, and how, just for a while, I could pretend the nicest, prettiest one I ever saw wanted me to show her how I felt, and didn't want to wish it all away.

Heck, I'm not even sure but Jill's not too good for me. She's probably a better Christian than I am, and there probably IS some guy out there who'd see her as beautiful, and love her at first sight, and probably knock me flat for having the thoughts I have, if he read what I wrote!

And I can tell she wants to be loved, and maybe she could love someone back so fierce it'd make all the pretty girls ashamed. But all that said, something brought us together, even before the counselors started helping us out. And I figure if God doesn't want us to be together he'll find a way to pry us apart, and in the meantime I guess I need to be true to my feelings and careful of hers.

Before I went off to write some more in the diary, I said to Counselor Jameson, "You know, you're the first girl I ever really kissed."

I was scared to death she'd say something like, "I can tell," but she's too nice for anything like that.

She said, "Don't worry. We're going to help both you and Jill see how beautiful she really is. And your first kiss is going to send both of you into orbit."

Then she led me to the door, and said, "Chris, spending time with you has been the best part of this job, and I hope we spend a lot more time together." Then we leaned into each other, and kissed, and...and I don't think I can even write about this. It's too soon.

I hope that sleep stuff works tonight. I'm going to need it.

June 16

I was going over what I've written over the past few days and if I didn't know better I'd think I didn't know any more about Jill than I do about Miley Cyrus.

And I know plenty. I know she learned to draw on her own, by going out in the woods and sketching trees and birds and bugs. I know in high school she spent lots of time helping out the old folks in her congregation, and lots of time with her nose stuck in old books, she didn't even like reading stuff written after 1900, but she devoured everything from Dickens to Shakespeare.