This is another of my 'stream of consciousness' stories. It concerns a woman in her mid-40s and a younger man. The expression 'old boiler' is rather old-fashioned British slang for an unattractive older woman. (I think it refers to elderly chickens too tough to roast, that need to be boiled instead). It's meant to reflect the light-hearted, rather humorous tone of the story. Once again, I'm using 'British English' slang and expressions, so I hope my US readers can follow what I'm saying. (A 'tap' is a 'faucet', 'sod' and 'git' are mild forms of abuse, and 'bollocks' is a peculiarly-expressive English word that means testicles but roughly translates as 'crap' - as in 'Excuse me, I was talking bollocks.')
I hope you enjoy it. If you're interested in the style of speech, please take a look at 'Local is as Local Does'. As always, all feedback, good, bad or indifferent, greatly appreciated – but preferably not anonymous.
*****
It was all a mistake, really. I mean Gerald said before he went out that morning – 'Don't forget to call Henderson and get that bloody tap fixed'. There was a leak under the wash basin in our en-suite, and it had caused a damp spot on the downstairs ceiling. Well I did call Henderson, not that I like the man. Gerald thinks the sun shines out of him but I find him a smarmy, lecherous old goat and his work's pretty poor in my opinion - but then I'm only a woman so what do I know? Anyway, apparently the nasty old sod was ill, so I was then stuck with finding another plumber at short notice.
I searched Yellow Pages and phoned two or three, but they were all too busy to come out, or wanted an extortionate call-out fee. Anyway, there was this little advert, hidden in among all the other national franchises, and I called them and the guy said yes, he could come out this morning, and no, there wouldn't be a call-out fee, just his hourly rate which didn't seem too bad. So I had a shower and put on jeans and a t-shirt and went to make some coffee.
The doorbell rang around 10:30, and when I answered it I was a bit surprised. I was expecting some wizened old git like Henderson in a stained boiler suit. Instead, there was this rather scrummy bloke in a tight white t-shirt and jeans, a big white smile and enormous blue eyes that I sort of fell into. I said "Yes?" and he just said "Hi. Mrs Bonfield? I'm Jack – the plumber? Come to sort this leak of yours."
"Oh", I think I replied, "I was sort of expecting someone...."
"Older?" he grinned. "If you like, I'll go and fetch me granddad!"
We both smiled and I ushered him in, took him up to our en-suite, showed him where the leak was and offered him coffee. He gave me another gorgeous smile and set to work. I went back to the kitchen, feeling very strange. 'You're behaving like a silly schoolgirl' I told myself. 'Yes, but he is very good-looking' I replied. I sometimes get like this when I'm a bit churned up, you know - sort of arguing with myself? Sometimes I do it out loud without realising it. Gerald says I'm cracking up, but then after nearly twenty years with that man it's hardly surprising!
So I poured the plumber a coffee and took it upstairs, and when I went into the en-suite, he was bent over a toolbox on the floor, and do you know what thought went through my head? 'Nice arse,' I thought. Just like bloody Helen when we're at the wine bar. She's always eyeing up the waiters and the customers, silly menopausal bitch, and I've told her that I swear she'll embarrass us both one day. But here I was, doing the same thing!
Then he turned round and asked me to put the coffee down while he washed his hands. Then he said "OK, that's all done," and did that smile again. I said I thought it was quick and he said that the previous bloke hadn't fitted a washer correctly, and it only took him a minute to put it right. The leak certainly looked fixed.
So he sipped his coffee and I just looked him up and down. His t-shirt really fitted, if you know what I mean. Those shoulders were like – well, like proper men's shoulders, not like Gerald's puny excuse for a coat-hanger. And it looked like he had a real six-pack under there, not the contents of a few hundred six-packs like Gerald's got. And those eyes...
I had to drag myself away from looking at him; he was starting to notice. "Oh, well I'll just go and get my chequebook" I said.
"Oh, that's OK. My last job was just round the corner, this only took a minute and the coffee's great." He took another swig, then gave me that smile again. "Besides, I'm just starting out on me own. I worked with me dad for the last five years, see, and I need to build up a bit of goodwill. Just make sure you call me for your next boiler service and that'll be fine."
I protested that I shouldn't take advantage of his generosity, especially as he'd been so prompt and efficient and done such a good job for me. 'And I bet you could do a really good job for me if I could only get you between my legs!' I thought wickedly.
"Sorry?" he said with a look of amusement on his face.
"Oh my God! Did I just say that out loud? I- I..." I must have gone beetroot red.
"Don't worry. I won't hold it against you. Unless you want me to?" he grinned.
I just stood speechless. What the Hell was I getting myself into here? God, this was so embarrassing.
Then he put his coffee down and just reached out, slipped his hand behind my neck and pulled me to him. His mouth met mine, and his kiss was just sooo soft and sexy. I was literally breathless.
"I allowed an hour for this appointment. And as I said, I'm really keen to build up some goodwill – no charge! You're a very sexy lady, and as
you
said, I could do a really good job if I can get between your legs. So do I forget your little outburst – or do you have something for me?"