"Sandy, can I call round for a girly chat?"
"Of course, something up?"
"Well, sort of, but later?"
"When then?"
"Say about nine?"
"Great, see you then."
Sandy's curiosity was spiked as she hung up the phone. Lucy usually only called round for a 'girly chat' when she had problems with Hugh. She was such a prude that the slightest thing of a sexual nature sent her into a flat spin. Sometimes she wondered how she'd ever managed to conceive two children. Most likely after a drunken party, with the lights out! Hugh was a nice enough chap but he hardly struck Sandy as the demanding type in the bedroom.
"Hi, come in." She held the door open for Lucy, who was clutching a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. This was serious, a girly chat and Sauvignon Blanc! They sat down, made a little idle chit chat over the first glass of wine and eventually Sandy ventured.
"So, what is it then."
"What's what?"
"The girly chat of course. You don't usually come round with a bottle of wine to discuss prices in Sainsburys. " Sandy poured them another glass. "Has Hugh suddenly developed a passion for being wrapped in clingfilm or what?"
"No, it's nothing like that."
"So what is it then?"
"Actually, it's Dad."
"Oh no, nothing serious I hope? He's not ill is he?"
"No, not at all. Quite the reverse actually."
"Good. Old Pete he's such a live wire. I swear if he was twenty years younger I'd do him."
"Sandy, please! That's my father you're talking about."
"No, I mean it. He always has that twinkle in his eye. I would have given him serious consideration: for a one nighter anyway. I bet he was a bit of a lad back in the day. He probably knew just how to get a girl going.
"Well it may not just be 'back in the day'!"
"What on earth do you mean? He's not still trying to pull is he? Randy old bugger."
"It's worse than that.."
"WHAT? Look, come on spill the beans. This isn't fucking twenty questions you know."
Another mouthful of wine, then Lucy drew breath, composed herself and started.
"It's like this. I got a call from the care home a few days back. It appears he's been seeing someone."
"Well I'll be ...No. No. Good for him. And anyway why not? They probably aren't getting up to much anyway."
"Sandy, she's ...she's a... hooker."
"Fucking hell, a hooker! Cunning Old Pete...fucking brilliant! Never a dull moment en? I really hope he's getting good value for his money."
" Sandy!! She's about my age and they were ...well ...found in bed together."
"Now you really are taking the piss! Come on, I really find this hard to swallow."
Lucy took the queue. "Well swallow is very apt, as it turns out."
"Oh my God, you don't mean..."
"Yes I do. A carer went in to his room and there they both were, stark naked, on the bed, in the middle of the afternoon, and she was..., you know,... with her mouth."
"Giving him a blow job? Lucky old bugger! Well good for him, lucky sod. No such future for us I should think. You know what they say about us girls don't you? At twenty a woman is like Africa, largely unexplored, and so on up to eighty when a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a shit!"
The wine was having an effect by now and even Lucy managed a giggle.
"Sorry," said Sandy. "I couldn't help it. It's just so fucking ridiculous. God knows I have enough trouble getting Josh to go down on me at my age, and here's Pete getting a blow job at ninety one!"
"Sorry?..What...?"
"You know! The old bargain game. When I want a blow job it's on with the stockings and suspenders, down on my knees till he's practically ready to shoot his bollocks off, then get my reward with the promise of finishing him off after."
"You don't mean..."
"Seriously Lucy? How long have you been married? Twenty years? Are you seriously telling me that you don't trade blow jobs?"
"No indeed I do not!" Said Lucy indignantly.
"You mean you get all you need without trading?"