Unsteady

Thanks to the Costermonger, Hale1 and Findegil for their editing.

*****

My life is fucked. I created it, nurtured it and it is mine to own. I can't blame anyone but myself. Me, 17 years old, by all accounts, beautiful, lacking nothing to make a beautiful life, but I fucked it up. Now I'm paying the price.

My father is Terry. He's this big handsome hunk of a man, dark skinned and dark eyed. I'm his princess, always have been. He's given me everything I needed, all my life. Maybe that's the problem with me. Daddy, I know you are tired of fighting. I know you just want to fly, leave it all behind. I need you now like never before. I'm a little unsteady. Hold onto me.

My mother is Sarah. She's a tall beautiful blonde. She's loved me since the day I was born, I know. There is not a shadow of doubt to cloud my certainty. Mom, I love you. I know it's all my fault. It began with me, the fighting, the anguish of mind, the uncertainty. I caused it all. I'm better now, but if you leave, it all comes crashing down. I'm a little unsteady. Hold onto me.

My beautiful parents, if you love me, don't let go.

I know my life has spiraled out of control. I let things go to my head. The drugs, the partying, the late nights, the arrest, that's mine, to own and regret, to regret and change. I will live and grow. Someday, if you hold onto me now, I'll be someone you can be proud of again. Just don't let go. Hold onto me. I'm a little unsteady.

Daddy, it's my fault. I know you never wanted to believe those things about me, but they were grimly, starkly true. Mom saw it, but you couldn't. Princesses aren't supposed to wear those shoes. Glass slippers, that's what you saw me in, not the red heels. You defended me and it breaks my heart that I let you. That's when it started, the tension between you and the woman who loved you. She loved me, too, but it was a different, tougher love than yours. She saw me, in all my tawdriness; tried to help me in her way, as did you.

She saw that she was losing her grasp on you, that you were so blinded by your love, your care for me, that she was becoming the enemy. Her sense of betrayal overwhelmed her.

Mom, I know what I've done. I took two soul mates and tore them apart like a tissue. I never knew humans and their relationships were that fragile. In my selfishness, I didn't care what my actions were doing to you, the woman I love beyond all others. You never understood the depths of Daddy's love and blindness. The strange thing remains, that he would have been just as blind, had it been you. He still is. Even after you were alienated and driven in your desperation to do what you did, he doesn't care. He's yours, mine, all of him, all that huge heart and soul. It's cracked and a little bit broken now, but even now, you could fix it with a word, a gesture, if only you haven't given up. A little bit broken, as am I. Unsteady. If you love me, don't let go.

It took that night when it all came crashing down. Alone in that fetid cell except for the two prostitutes, I knew who I was, finally, and without doubt, I knew. I knew I was out of control. The humiliation of having the two of you come and pick me up, the embarrassment, it was the perfect antidote to stupidity. The damage was done. I've put fences and walls between the two of you.

I'm in no position to condemn, Mom. Still, the disrespect that was shown to you is no excuse for what you did. I know I started it, but in two years, you forgot why you fell in love.

Daddy, I know you acted out of love for me, but the two of you are supposed to be a team. You were a team, all my life, until I fucked it up. I know you're hurting; both of you are hurting. I'm hurting, too. If I'm the end of the team, if I broke up the band, I don't know how I'll ever stop hurting. Please, if you love me, don't let go. I'm a little unsteady. Hold onto me. Hold onto each other.

I know that I've broken your hearts, over and over, but I'm trying. I need you to try, too. I can't fix myself, by myself. I can't fix you, at all. You both have to do that, and I need for you to be the team that supports me.

Inside, I'm dying a little bit, every day. Daddy, please come home. Mom, please call him. Ask him to forgive you. I know he will. He knows now. He knows you were right all along. He knows that he should have listened to you. There's no excuse for what you did, though. That's just one more burden for me to bear. I caused it all. All I can do is ask for your love and forgiveness, just as you must ask for the love and forgiveness of each other.

Until you do, I can't be with you. I can't stand to look at the unhappiness of your faces, the hurt and pain in your eyes. It's killing me, knowing that I caused all that. I won't tell you where I am, just that I'm safe and you can email me at this address. I'll talk to either one of you. I'll meet you both, anywhere, anytime. I'll only meet both of you. If you come together and promise me that you'll talk, that you'll let me talk to you, tell you how sorry I am and how hard I'll work to make up to you for everything that I caused.

Please, don't give up on me. Don't give up on each other. If you love me, don't let go. Hold onto me, I won't make it alone. Let me help you pick up the pieces of what I broke and mend them, as you help mend me. I'm broken, you're broken, but we can be mended. I'm a little unsteady, but so are you.

Just tell me you love me. That's all I need from both of you. I know you do, but I need to hear you say it. Your daughter, who loves you, and always will, Kirstan.

Tears falling from her eyes, Sarah took her phone with trembling hands and hit speed-dial one.