This Old House - Barbara's Story

NOTES

My name is Barbara McPherson, and I'm here in this Starbucks Coffee Shop to meet with Nancy Roberts, my father's former home health nurse. Dad passed away last month, and Mom has been gone for about a year.

I was already sitting at a table with my coffee when I saw Nancy come in. I waved and she waved back, and then went to the counter to order her coffee.

"Good morning, Barbara. It's so good to see you again. I was surprised to get your call this morning. What can I do for you?"

"Nancy, I know we've known each other for several years while you were Dad's nurse, but I was hoping I could just talk a while, just get things off of my heart. I think it will help me with the grieving process."

"Of course Barbara, anything you want. I don't have another patient for a couple of hours. Let me get my coffee, and we can get started."

"Nancy, you first got to know Dad about three years ago when he got to where he needed home health care. He was retired, and was living in the little house he had bought to fix up. He had just got out of the hospital after his last bypass surgery."

"Dad had a health care plan with his retirement, but he never knew I had arranged to be his administrator. Besides Medicare and his retirement plan, Mom had set up a trust fund to make sure he was provided for. She made me promise to never let him know about it. We hired Susie to be his morning caregiver, and Melody would come in the afternoon to take care of him and get him to bed. Because of his dementia, he never recognized me, never knew Melody was his granddaughter, and Susie was his niece."

"This went on until about six months ago, until his dementia got to a point where he needed twenty-four hour custodial care. We arranged for him to be in a nursing home, and on hospice care. Ironically, this was the same nursing home Mom was in when she died six months earlier."

"Since his funeral, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the old times, the happier times, and what happened. Until three years ago, I hadn't seen my Dad since I was fourteen, since that day my Mom took me away. "

"My happiest memory is when I was ten, Dad rented an RV and we camped at Reelfoot Lake State Park. It was Mom and Dad and me. The next day, Grandpa and Grandma drove up in another RV. We camped there for a week. It was the best time I can remember, my whole family was there together. Grandpa rented a boat, and he and Dad took me fishing with them for the first time. Dad showed me how to bait a hook, and cast it into the water. I even caught a fish, a little one."

"Mom went back to work when I was twelve. I was old enough then to get home from school, fix myself a snack, and get started on my homework. Dad would be home from work about three hours later, and he and I would work together to get dinner on the table, and then clean the kitchen. At least two nights a week and some weekends, Mom would not come home at all."

"Before I was fourteen, I spent a lot of time with Dad. We did everything together and became close. My Dad was my best friend. We would go fishing with Grandpa on weekends that Mom wasn't home. When Dad and Grandpa went deer hunting, I would stay with Grandma. She taught me to bake biscuits, and cakes and pies. Grandma and I would bake cookies and have a tea party with my dolls and teddy bears. We would both dress up in a long scarf and a floppy hat. I would wear a long string of pearls I got from Grandma. Clarksdale was a second home to me."

"I came home from school one day, and Mom was already there. That was unusual. She was dressed up like she does for work, and I saw suitcases in the living room. She had me sit in the kitchen, and she sat facing me."

"Barbara, honey," Mom said, "I need to talk to you about something, and it's very hard for me. I've met a man at work, and he has asked me to go away and live with him. I'll be leaving your father, and marrying Ron. I know this is going to be hard on you, but we want you to come with us too."

"Ron has a big house in Florida, a boat and an airplane. He has a lot of money and can give you everything you will never have here. I know you love your father, but I love you too and I need you to go with me. You'll still be able to see and talk to your father as much as you want."

"I need you to change your school clothes into something nice, and I'll help you pack your things. You won't need much since we can go shopping after we get to Palm Beach. Next week, Ron is going to take us on his sailboat for a month's cruise in the Caribbean. Won't that be great?"

"I was in shock; I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to leave my Dad, but I did what my mother told me. I changed into a dress that I would normally wear to church and changed my sneakers for a nice pair of pumps. Mom was cleaning out my dresser, and putting everything in a suitcase. I started gathering up my personal keepsakes, my dolls and teddy bears. She picked out my nicer clothes from my closet, and left behind some of my favorite, comfortable old clothes."

"When it was time for Dad to get home, she had me standing behind her in the hallway. All the suitcases were lined up in the living room, out of sight. She told Dad we were leaving and why. She never gave him a chance to reply. I just stood there looking down at the floor. I couldn't look my father in the eyes and see the hurt. I know he was crushed to lose the two most important people in his life. I didn't say anything; I just did what my mother told me to do. The taxi driver took our suitcases, and we left. Mom said I would get to see and talk with Dad, but that was a lie."

"Mom and Ron had four good years together. They traveled to Europe and the Mediterranean, sailed the yacht to the Bahamas, the Caribbean, Central and South America. I invited all of my friends to my Sweet Sixteen party at Ron's huge house and pool. For my high school graduation party, there were nearly a hundred guests. When I turned sixteen, Ron gave me a new red Mustang convertible. When I was seventeen, he gave me a new Nautique ski boat. For Christmas every year, we would fly up to Aspen for two weeks."

"Ron always missed that he wasn't a father. He was jealous of the relationship I had with my father before we left him. He did suggest that he could adopt me, and then I would be his daughter. I objected so strongly that he dropped the subject. I already had a Dad, and he was the only Dad I would ever have."

"I was eighteen when I graduated from high school. Mom and Ron wanted me to go to college at the University of Miami, but I insisted that I wanted to go to Memphis State. I missed my Dad, and wanted to reconnect with him and my grandparents. I visited my grandparents in Clarksdale, but they let me know that my father never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again. He had completely blocked me out of his life, along with my mother. I looked up a couple of my school friends from Southaven, and we shared an apartment in Memphis."

"I visited my grandparents as often as I could, but they wouldn't let me come if Dad was going to be there. They wanted to respect his wishes, and said he deserved as much. Dad and Grandpa still went fishing and deer hunting together. They had completely disowned Mom, and wouldn't talk to her at all."

"After I left Florida, Ron started working late more often, and started traveling more. Mom knew he was having an affair with his pretty, young personal assistant, Rhonda. Sex with Mom became a thing of the past. Ron started spending less time at home. Then Rhonda got pregnant, and Ron started openly dividing his time with his new family. When Rhonda had his second child, he moved in with her and left us behind."

"Mom didn't apply for a divorce because Ron continued to support us quite well. Mom didn't want to give up her posh lifestyle, and was ashamed to admit she had made a mistake. Ron never filed for divorce either, since he would have to give Mom half of everything he had, which was a lot. It was cheaper to just maintain two households."

"After Ron left us, Mom started drinking heavily. Many nights I heard her sobbing, and apologizing to Dad for leaving him."

"After we moved to Florida, I was never very close to Mom. I guess I blamed her for taking me away from Dad. My closest mother-figure was Juanita, our housekeeper. She was always there with a snack when I came home from school, and would listen while I told her all of my teenage girl secrets. I could tell she didn't have a high opinion of my Mom or Ron, though she never came out and said anything. After I left home to go to college, Juanita stayed on and took care of Mom. I could always call home and talk to Juanita to find out what was going on."

"Mom always said Ron never cheated on her, and she never cheated on him. That was a lie she told herself as much as anything. When Ron moved out to live with his second family, his infidelity was pretty obvious to everyone. He had a son and daughter, and a de facto second wife in a house in Fort Lauderdale. Mom had her own secret lovers she kept more discreet. She would spend sweaty afternoons in a motel with her personal trainer from the gym, or her massage therapist. She would have the occasional one night stand with a guy who picked her up in a bar. After Ron left and she started drinking more, the bar pickups and one night stands became more frequent. Juanita told me how many nights she never came home."

"After six years at Memphis State, I graduated with a Master's degree in health care administration, and I got a job with a facility that did rehab and custodial care. I ended up being the administrator."

After we both took a break, and got fresh coffee, I continued.

"Nancy, did I ever tell you how I met my husband, Randy?"

"I had been working in the rehab clinic for about two years when I was invited to a retirement party for one of the nurses. The party was being held in a honky-tonk in Memphis, with beer and line dancing. I was feeling pretty good and had been dancing with several good looking cowboys when Randy asked me for the next dance."

"Randall McPherson was at least six feet tall, with sandy blond hair and blue eyes, and a strong chin. He had strong arms and chest, so it wasn't surprising that he grew up on a farm and spent his summers loading bales of hay. On his size thirteen feet he wore western boots, highly polished and not the fancy custom jobs. He wore jeans and a red and white western shirt. His black Stetson was worn back on his head, exposing his forehead. As soon as I saw him, my panties started getting wet. As soon as we finished the first dance, I was already thinking of names for our children."

"Randy sold insurance for a local State Farm agent, Ralph Woodson. When Ralph decided to retire, he offered to sell his business to Randy. Randy had always wanted to have his own agency, and this was an opportunity he couldn't pass up. We had been married for ten years, and had two children, Melody and Joshua. Ralph wanted $250,000 and a percentage of the business for 10 years. There was no way we had that kind of money, so I called Mom."

"Before she died, I found out that Mom had always had a secret investment account that no one knew about. When she was working, she opened this account and deposited her bonuses into it. It got to be an impressive amount. After Ron started cheating on her, she started depositing more money into it. She called it her divorce account. She never had to touch it, and when she died it was well over three million. She gave me the money we needed to buy the insurance agency."

"I told Mom I was going to be working there with Randy, which was only partly true. I helped out there when I could, but I didn't give up my job at the rehab center."

"When Ron died, it was a shock to everybody. We learned that everything belonged to the corporation, the house, the boat, the plane. He left Mom forty per cent of the shares of the corporation, and Rhonda forty percent. The rest was distributed amongst his employees. Mom sold her shares and moved back to Memphis, buying a condo in a high rise with a view of the Mississippi River. Her next door neighbor was Gloria, the widow of the late Arthur Jameson. Mom set up trust funds for her grandchildren, and for Dad. She made it possible for Melody to go to nursing school and Josh wants to be a jet engine mechanic."

"Every year, Mom and Gloria would take a trip off to some exotic destination where they could spend their late husband's money and enjoy the young male scenery. I don't know if they ever sampled the local wares, but I wouldn't doubt it. They were a couple of randy cougars in those days."

"Then Mom got sick. She started feeling tired all of the time, and started losing weight. Her eyes lost their sparkle, and her skin tone got dull. I convinced her she needed to see a doctor. Her response wasn't as serious as I wanted."

"Oh honey, I've seen doctors. You should see some of the doctors I've seen. There was this one in Barbados; I swear he could keep it up all night. He gave Gloria and me a night we'll both remember"

"Okay, Mom. I'm making you an appointment for tomorrow, and this time you are going to go. Melody and I will pick you up and make sure you go."

"After a few weeks of extensive tests, the verdict finally came. Mom had Stage 4 liver cancer. She had maybe a year to live, if she followed all of their medical advice. She started radiation and chemo treatments immediately."

"While she was taking her first treatment, Melody and I cleaned out her apartment from top to bottom. All forms of alcohol had to go. I was surprised to find an album she had kept hidden all these years. It was pictures of her and Dad and me, all taken when we were happy. There were pictures from all of my birthday parties, and pictures of Grandpa and Grandma. There was a picture of Dad with his first buck, and a picture of Dad and me with the first fish I caught. There was a picture of Mom and Dad standing in front of the house in Southaven they had just bought. They looked so happy. Mom was holding me on her hip."

"I never found any pictures of Ron."

"Mom managed, with Gloria's help, to stay in her apartment for another six months. After that, she had to move into a full time medical facility. I went to visit her nearly every day, as well as Melody. Gloria was also a frequent visitor. Her social worker, Beverly, told me she would have long rambling conversations, where she would tell her life story. Even in her pain, Mom's memory was sharp as a tack. Although, sometimes she told it like she remembered it, not like I remembered it."

"Toward the end, we had hospice care just to keep her as comfortable as possible. Her recurring wish was to see Dad one more time, to apologize and ask for his forgiveness. She really did love him, even now. She passed in her sleep, without ever seeing Dad again since the day she left him."

"By now, Dad was too far gone. His dementia progressed to the point that he wouldn't recognize any of his caregivers. He couldn't take care of himself in even the most routine functions. He wouldn't feed himself. He wouldn't try to walk. He had to move to a nursing home for 24 hour care. Within six months he was on hospice care. Two months later he died from pneumonia."

"Melody and I went through Dad's house. The only pictures he had were the one of his parents, and one of his sister and her husband. He didn't have a picture of his sister's daughter, so he wouldn't know that Susie was his niece. He had no pictures or mementos of any kind of Mom or me."

"My grandparents had told me that when Mom left, he put her and me completely out of his mind. It was like we never existed. He went into a deep depression, and was even hospitalized for a while. The doctors recommended to Grandpa that they remove anything from his house that would remind him of his loss. Even before he died, he was still taking powerful anti-depressants."

"Dad died without a will. His attorney contacted me as his next of kin. He had very little in the way of worldly possessions, just what was in the house. We did find Dad's deer rifle, a .30 caliber Remington with a four power scope. Randy kept it. "

"We donated everything else to charity, and sold the house to a real estate developer that was buying up all the old project houses. We donated the money from the sale of the house to the American Heart Association."

A month later, the old house was bulldozed to make way to build a new mall.

Melody went on to medical school and became a cardiologist. Josh is a Captain with Delta Airlines, and lives in Atlanta.

After Ron died, Rhonda started drinking heavily, and using cocaine. She was found a year later floating face down in a canal. Her daughter, Janice, is a hooker in South Beach. Her son, Roger, was shot in a drug deal gone bad.

Whoever heard of a drug deal gone good?

The End