Revulsions and Repercussions
This is Carrie's story and her explanation of what happened to her and John. It is the sequel to Revelations and Revolutions and my conclusion. I wrote it to give the readers the reason why she behaved as she did. I wanted to leave the character of John wondering why because, sadly, in the real world we don't always find closure. It was never my intention to leave my readers in the dark. I give an open invitation to any author who might want to write an alternate version for Carrie.
My name is Carrie Manchester. I'm currently on my third marriage to a wonderful man Keith Farmer. I was lucky to have found him as I slowly climbed out of the mire and mess of my former life, a mess I solely created. I was married to a wonderful man for 26 years. His name was John Livingston. Three years before the end of my marriage to John I began to feel a change in my mood and demeanor. I felt sad, listless, and lost. I blamed it on John and I resented him for it. So, I became short and was often cross with him. As the resentment for John built, I found that I chided and belittled him more and more. During this time, I became nearly despondent. I was constantly unsatisfied with my life. It was about this time that the husband of my closest friend started to show interest in me.
William Kincaid and his wife Joann were our best friends. We socialized and even vacationed together with our children. So, when I hit a nadir, he became my shoulder to cry on. He held me and told me things would get better. The hugs evolved to kissing and from there we started having sex. It became a full-blown affair and that lasted for three years. I slowly developed feelings for Bill but I knew he would never leave Joann. At first, I felt guilty but only because I was betraying my best friend JoJo. I blamed John for forcing me to seek solace in the arms of another.
As the months and years past I grew to loathe John as the source of my pain. The last six months we were married I made his life a living hell. I could not stand to be in the same room as John little alone be intimate with him. Everything he did annoyed me. When he tried and, believe me when I say that he tried, to get me to talk and wanted to help me, I rebuffed and rejected him at every turn. It all came to a head on a fateful Saturday morning. I had planned to meet Bill later that morning before I did the grocery shopping. Before heading out I decided that I had better do some laundry as it had piled up over the past week and we were nearly out of towels. I knew that John had ordered a new washer and dryer set and it was on backorder. Our machine was worn and I also knew that John told me to do more loads with less clothes to not stress the nearly worn-out motor.
I decided that I'd show him and I jammed an entire week's worth of towels into the old washer and started it. When it came time to spin dry the machine couldn't handle the weight and the belt started slipping. Of course, John was right and the machine didn't want to spin with the wet heavy load. I cursed just as John headed for the kitchen to make his breakfast as I no longer cooked for him. So, I screamed, "John why is this damn washer not spinning out correctly! Why didn't you fix the damn thing like you promised?" That prompted him to come to the laundry room. The odor of the burning belt was acrid and filled the air. He lifted the lid and saw what I had done.
"Carrie Ann, I told you, the motor is ready to give out. I asked, no, I pleaded with you to do the laundry more often with smaller loads to lighten the stress on the motor until we got the washer replaced. I've ordered the new state of the art washer/dryer combo you wanted but with the supply chain issues it is going to be another three weeks before they can have a set delivered." He removed about half of the heavy towels and threw them into an empty laundry basket. He then said before he squeezed past me, "Carrie, there is an entire weeks' worth of towels in here! You don't work so what takes up so much of your time that you can't do a load or two a day?"
I was incensed. I went into the kitchen to give him a piece of my mind and discovered he skipped breakfast and headed out to the yard and was cutting the grass. It took me about thirty minutes to get myself ready to meet Bill. I decided to show my anger by spinning my tires and I burned some rubber going down our street. After I met Bill at the motel, I asked him if he was free for the day and he said he was. He told Joann he had an important meeting with some clients. So, I said to hell with the shopping and spent the entire day in bed with Bill. I even allowed him to cum in my mouth, which I had always forbade John to do and take my anal cherry. After I left Bill, I went out to eat and saw a movie. I spent the entire day doing what I had wanted to do or that I told myself that I had wanted but I still felt a sense of foreboding and emptiness.
I was late getting home and when I entered the house, I was surprised to find it very dark and eerily silent. I went to the stairwell thinking that John was sulking upstairs and just before I had the chance to yell for him, I was startled by something that ricocheted off the railing and clanged as it hit and skidded on the hardwood floor. I jumped and fumbled for the light switch and, after several attempts at feeling around for it, I managed to switch them on. I turned to see where the noise came from and I found John sitting in a chair. I screamed, "John what in heavens name..." and then I paused as spied the empty can on the floor where it skidded to a halt after it had careened off the railing. I was livid as I shouted at him, "Did you throw a beer can at me? Are you drunk, you bastard!"
He stared daggers at me but said all too calmly, "Carrie, to answer your questions, no and hell no!" I threw the can near you and at the railing and no I'm not drunk. I've had several hours sitting here as I waited for you, my loving and faithful wife, and spaced my drinks accordingly as I fully intended to remain stone cold sober for our little encounter. Though I'm surprised that you have managed to pull yourself away from your other endeavors to return and grant me an audience this evening. What I'm not surprised by is the fact that you came home full of your virulent, acerbic attitude toward me yet again. Now I have some questions for you!"
I was taken aback. John had never talked to me like this. I wondered, what did he know? Why was he sitting in the dark and why was he talking to me this way. First, he asked me where I had been for the past eight hours and I refused to tell him and said, "It's none of your business!" He continued to press me so I lied and told him I was with our daughter Erin. When he told me that he had been with Erin and Erin had gone to a concert I told him that I went to the concert. He tripped me up when he asked me what bands were playing and I said the first thing that popped into my mind. He continued and told me stop lying and that he knew for a fact that I was cheating on him. He demanded his name.
I refused to tell him. He told me that while I was out that he had packed up and moved out due to my constant barrage of hurtful and disparaging words directed at him. Then he discovered by accident of my affair and that my daughter was the one who witnessed Bill and I entering and exiting a hotel. When I felt I could no longer deflect or lie my way out I ran upstairs into our bedroom and locked the door. John simply left. I cried as I hit the bed. I was angry, frustrated, hurt, and confused. I didn't want a divorce and I didn't want Bill but somehow, I also didn't want John because I firmly believed that he was totally and fully to blame for my unhappiness. I felt so isolated and desperate that I wanted to grab ahold of something to cling to for dear life. I wanted safety and familiarity and so I chose my marriage to be that oasis even if it was only a mirage.
How I felt during the last three years of my marriage to John, especially the last six months of it, is difficult for me to explain. Perhaps it's because I find any attempt to justify or explain it simply unfathomable myself. If I can't believe that I truly did what I did how can I ever explain it to anyone else. My psychiatrist told me that I may never be able to delve deep enough to be certain of what happened as it might be too painful. He made an analogy to jumping barefoot into a barrel with the bottom filled with jagged shards of glass.
I spent a great deal of time and John's money on psychiatric care and in the hands of a very capable psychologist who helped pull me from the abyss. I learned a great deal about what happened to me and why. I'm also taking medications to treat my condition and I'm about as close to a fully functioning person as one can be with depression, even one who is currently on her third marriage in the past five years.
After John and I divorced I couldn't face living alone and once Joann kicked Bill out and divorced him, he wanted to move in with me. I was too screwed up in my mind to realize that he was nothing but a broke parasite looking for a meal ticket. Due to my Catholic upbringing, I demanded that he marry me before he moved into my bed. Yes, I now realize how screwed up that must sound to the well-adjusted mind, given I had been having an affair with him for years, and now divorced, which is against the church's tenets. Even more evidence of how far off track I was. My thinking was convoluted at best. It didn't take me long, however, to discover that he was lower than pond scum.
