She started to cry. "I am sorry Vaughan this is so hard for me and I know it is going to be so hard for you. I am shattered and our marriage continues to remind me of what I or we once had and it's all gone and it can't be recovered. With this pandemic forcing us into lockdown I don't think I could stand being isolated with just you."
I just felt numb. I did not feel angry or sorrow. I was somehow expecting this and it was almost a relief. We looked at each other silently. I finally said "where are you going; what's your plan."
"I am going to flat with Claudine, I don't know for how long; certainly as long as the bubble thing lasts. Then I want to have a new beginning. Apart from that, I have no long term plan. I know this will be a shock. I suppose it is unfair to ask what you will do"
"I guess, I will have my work. Somehow it does not seem a shock. You know I desperately wanted to stand by you and help you but you have been so cold I was beginning to despair."
"I know, I know, I am sorry, sorry, but my brain is totally screwed. It really has been since my parents died. It was becoming unfair of me to prolong your agony stringing you along. I finally decided that inevitably we have to cut it so both of us can get on with our lives. I am not that girl from Auckland now and I could not possibly go back to that way of life."
It was horrible but I could only agree, I helped her with her bags to her car. She kissed me on the cheek went to the car then turned rushed back and gave a full last kiss on the mouth. Stepping back but holding my face in her hands she made a small parting speech. "None of this is your fault, you must never, never blame yourself. Yes I did love you deeply and wanted you for always. I still regard you with affection and admiration and I truly appreciate all you have done to try and help me. I know you still love me but I feel like a woman that has been subjected to a war. It is going to take a long, long time to rebuild myself with no guarantee we will have a loving relationship at the end of it. I feel so, so guilty for what I am putting you through and hope somehow you might understand and forgive me."
I just said, "I already forgive you. I don't know everything but I have seen your pain." At that point I was magnanimous but in the following days, weeks, months I suffered those stages of grief everyone talks about. The first few weeks in isolation by myself were particularly painful. I would love her, hate her, blame her, mentally negotiate with her but in total I felt an overwhelming loneliness. It did allow me eventually to come to terms with the split. I spent a lot of time on line researching and self-analyzing and self-therapy from mindfulness to erotic literature.
What I had not realized through all this time was that Georgia was pregnant. There had been no obvious signs. She did not appear to suffer morning sickness. I did notice that she was wearing looser clothing but I took this as Claudine's influence.
Relying initially on the conferencing apps on my phone and computer, I was thankful that my profession brought me in contact with a lot of people but out of work I had little social life. Once she drove off, I only saw her once when she came to give evidence with her flatmate at the trial of her attackers.
I should have been fighting for her but in truth I was depressed myself and should have sought some outside treatment or counselling. Being a bloke I dismissed all that as airy fairy nonsense. Georgia at least was prepared to seek help. We never spoke of divorce but although unsaid it just seemed inevitable. I did not initiate it and in time I received official notification. It would take two years to work its way through but neither of us asked for anything out of the divorce. The only possessions she took were those on the night she left.
The house for a while was a shrine to her memory but in time I divested myself of those things that painfully represented her. I did, however keep a small stash of photographs, some trinkets and other small memorabilia and all of her jewelry including her wedding rings that she left. I even saved a small bottle of her favorite and distinctive perfume. It was all packed into a locked steel trunk and kept at that back of the attic.
The trial was delayed for some time, partly due to the pandemic. I attended every day of that trial but Georgia only appeared once to give evidence. That was the first time I had seen her since she left. She was dressed rather conservatively for her I thought. I had no idea what she was working as; she wore what looked like casual business attire, a conservative skirt under a smock with a matching jerkin. She seemed to be alone; I saw no sign of Claudine. She seemed in a daze. She did not search me out, although I tried to catch her eye. She seemed to look down. Perhaps it was her embarrassment. She did answer the questions confidently but knowing her they had obviously been rehearsed and I fancied there would a hidden turmoil underneath an impeccable performance.
Attending the trial was my only way of making some sense of what happened. The first surprise was that the ring leader of the attack was her old fiancé, Mike Davidson. As he had been a former sport star the trial became big news. He was stated as a captain in the army but it was only later when some peace activists picked it up they discovered that all the accused were members of the elite SAS. I remember thinking when I found that out that the court of enquiry would eventually be interesting but I would never be part of that.
It seems that Georgia stayed on after Colonel Mason had left and drunk with the young officers in the office's mess. I can imagine what those sessions can get like. She had been drinking a lot of spirits along with the others. Nobody twigged to how drunk she was. I could imagine this knowing that she could always take her drink to a point. Usually if she was with me she would just suddenly get to a critical stage and she would suddenly be out of it without much warning. It was left to me in these circumstances to organize a quick courteous withdrawal from whatever function she was at but she did not have me this particular night, did she?
It appears the Major detailed to look after her had thought she had gone to the toilet. He was waiting to take her home and realized after some time she had disappeared. A few officers spread out round the camp to find her. Her car was still there and they found from the guardhouse that she had left through the gate.
Outside the gate there was a large park. It was left over from when the base was downsized. It was used for some training exercises. On this night this party discovered Georgia crossing the park as a short cut home. The party was all made up for their exercise. The party came out of some undergrowth scaring Georgia until she recognized Mike. After talking for a while they all picked her up in formation and carried her over their heads, in quick step and chanting, to a training shelter nearby. At that point it was playful. The next stage was brutal.
Apparently Mike started kissing her. Mikes story was she came on to him. Her story was that it was initiated by him. I personally think knowing their history and what we were going through it would be a bit of both. The thing is though she did not deserve what happened next. Mike managed to strip her but she did not come to her senses until he had pushed her head onto a bench seat at the back of the shelter and he began to penetrate her from behind.
She screamed but they shoved her panties into her mouth. They then systematically penetrated her vagina and sodomized her multiple times. There were about six of them. The others maintained they left her there with only Mike doing the deed. She eventually turned up sobbing naked in fetal position dumped on the pavement outside the emergency department her clothes were in a pile beside her. Her attackers were adamant to a man that they did not take her.
I thought that they might be trying to establish reasonable doubt by inferring that the full gang rape was done by others but their case was broken with the DNA testing. Traces of DNA for all six were found but there were two others which remained unexplained. Neither Georgia, nor the other attackers could shed any light on who the other two might be. Georgia could not recall anything coherent following the initial violation by Mike. All were given lengthy jail terms with Mike the longest for initiating the attack. So there was some explanation and still some mystery.
Listening to all that and knowing Georgia's history, there was never a "why" in my mind to Georgia's actions. To me her behavior was of someone of an unsound mind. In the end I could not blame her for it as I would not blame someone for having cancer. I was just left with the shame of a guy who felt it was his duty to protect his wife and came up short. I am not religious but I had my own personal mantra wishing that Georgia after leaving me would have a positive life, full of excellence.
Life went on. Therapy for me was finding a new direction in Architecture within the long recovery following the pandemic. Our firm was fortunate in receiving the benefit of the government's investment into infrastructure. The old "Sculpture for living in" philosophy now seemed unbearably naive, especially in these austere times. I could not believe I had ever seriously expressed such an absurd philosophy.
Yes I did have a bit of a manifesto but in the end, however I tried to justify it, it was simply fashion; a means for upwardly mobile people to make their statement. Instead of imposing the edifice on people's lives I wanted to reverse the approach.
Now living in Palmerston and having set up the exhibition I had brainstormed some ideas that would have puzzled my earlier fan base and bored them to tears. But these were there for the locals; these were not the cognoscente of Auckland. They were real people that wanted real solutions to changing times but presented with some aesthetic skill as well as the practical. I began to look at solutions in harmony with their context rather making a statement in conflict. I looked strongly at the natural environment and the landscape for inspiration. They were not conservative houses but designed to not be ostentatious landmarks which gave them more universal appeal.
When Mary returned from her deployment I was way down the path of thinking about this which led to some very interesting conversations. I could see she was right on board with my thinking. Robert, the practical one was the steadying influence ensuring things did not go too far and ensured those practical lifestyle things, personal to them, were well catered for.
The only time the subject of Georgia was ever brought up was at our first meeting when Mary had returned. When I told her about what had happened she gave me a sympathetic sideways smile in a certain way that puzzled me. I had never seen her look like that before and I was to see it again but only when we were alone together. It was a look that she might give to one of her children if they had skinned their knee. Was it Concern? Compassion? Empathy? Perhaps all that but looking back on it I eventually imagined that to be the first manifestation of a fascination with me that was eventually to turn to some kind of love, or so I thought.
Moving ahead with their house we resolved to have weekly meetings at their home. Knowing that I was a man alone they would have me along for dinner with Annie and Elsie. I would bring a bottle of wine or pudding. We fast became firm friends. I found them both warm and appealing. I found them interesting and with them I caught their bug of sustainability and environmental concern. To me it seemed a paradox for military types to have these interests but I did not know many military types before them so what did I know? I discovered the 'Daddy' side of me and became very fond of their girls. They responded and soon I was Uncle Vaughan. When I came to dinner I always brought a little something for them and invariably when I rang the doorbell they would be both there answering the door and hopping up and down like little sparrows wondering what I had brought them.
Mary had been deployed to South Sudan. I knew something had happened there but she never said a word and passed off her experience with a "loose lips sinks ships" attitude. She did seem a little edgy though. I imagined being there during the pandemic must have been an exceptionally frightening experience.
Robert invited me to go trout fishing. I had done a little in the past and have always wanted to get back into it and took the opportunity. We hired an Airbnb and I had some gear but we both had to visit a fishing shop to replenish and refresh my kit. Robert had visited the area before so gave advice on the types of flies I would need. Apart from that, it was a bit of gear maintenance and we were set.
The trip was sprung on me really. I ended up taking a couple of extra days over my weekend so had to rapidly rearrange my schedule. I could see Robert was a great leader like that. He hit you with a difficult request and you just did it because you wanted to.
