During one's life you are bound to come across people that you just can't stand and this is a story about one of my experiences. I was playing tennis with a buddy of mine, Stan, on a Saturday morning. We played singles for the usual hour or so. In fact, think we were ending up a couple of minutes early and this obnoxious couple were trying to push on to the court. Stan recognized them and whispered under his breath.
"Let's get out of here, I know those people from work. David and Julie Epstein. They are two of the biggest douche bags."
As we were leaving the man said, "Hello Stanley, I never seen you here before."
"Hey, David, I usually play up at Providence but Scott invited me."
The guy had no further comment and hurried past. The woman walked past without even acknowledging Stan's existence.
As we walking up the stairs, Stan gave me the brief lowdown.
"They work in HR at my company. They are the company's politically correct police. They are in everyone's business and they drive normal people nuts and they are hypocritical beyond belief."
"How's that?"
"The company has rules about employees dating other employees. Those creeps met at work dated and then got married. Heaven forbid someone else tries to date. I got called on the carpet for asking a girl out once and she had actually accepted. She was as pissed as I was and eventually found another job."
We sat upstairs having a beer while watching them through the windows attempt to play tennis. Putting it mildly, they sucked and we laughed at their ineptitude.
"What's really ironic." Stan said, "They suck at everything but they are condescending as hell."
"Well, for what it's worth, Julie is pretty hot in that tight tennis garb. her tits are huge."
"She is good looking but all that's negated when she opens her mouth. Besides don't let her hear you say she has huge tits, that will get ME fired." Stan replied, "You know, I thought she was OK until she met up with that little worm."
That was an appropriate description of the little prick playing tennis. He actually looked like that pajama boy from the Obamacare ad. He must have been all of 5' 6".
They came upstairs after their attempt to work out and stopped at our table. Miss Julie actually said hello to Stan but her butt faced husband interrupted her and started bragging about his tennis prowess. It was really obnoxious. I finally had enough.
"You don't look like Nadal. and from what I've seen you don't play like him either."
"What do you know about tennis?" was his retort.
"I played No. 4 my junior and senior year in college."
"You went to college?" was his attempt to insult me.
"Well, considering I have 3 degrees including a Masters, I guess so. You? As long as we're bragging, you want to compare net worth."
They both looked at me with daggers. I got up and said,
"Stan, I've got to go, I'll see you later.
As I walked past Julie, I said just loud enough for her and husband to hear,
"Nice Tits, Honey."
Later that evening I got a call from Stan.
"Are you crazy? That shithead started demanding to know where you worked and actually threatening me if I didn't tell him."
"What did you say?"
"I told him some hospital in Burke county."
"Well that ought to keep him busy for awhile since that's 60 miles in the other direction."
"I'm telling you, Scott, the guy is a vindictive cocksucker."
I thought for a minute and, out of the blue, I heard myself say,
"I'll bet you $500 that I can humiliate him totally and fuck his wife."
"Scott, you're out of your mind."
"Maybe, but I bet that girl has never really been fucked and when she does she leave that little shit in a heartbeat."
'OK, 500 bucks."
I started probing Stan about any info he could give me about possible hangouts. He told me that they probably went to with other HR people after work at the end of the week.
I remembered that I had briefly dated a girl at the same company a few years ago.
"Stan, does Ellie Reese still work there?"
"if you mean Ellie Ward, yeah."
Ellie was a bit neurotic but, boy, did she like sex. She eventually got married but was known to partake of other recreational dick when the opportunity rose. I decided that she might be the key to the highway, sort of speak.
I knew her haunts and favorite restaurants etc. I checked out a couple of them over a couple of weeks and sure enough, she and her husband were dining at one. I made sure that she ran into me outside of her husband's view when she was going to the Ladies Room.
She instantly recognized me and gave me a big hug.
"Scott, It's so great to see you. I miss you."
"Well you didn't miss me that much, you're married. I hope everything is going well."
"Oh it is. We're so happy."
She wanted to exchange phone numbers etc. and I readily did so, cell and work. Then we went our separate ways.
Ellie loved having someone splash a little money her way and had not much common sense about appropriateness. There was a tour of a Broadway show that had hit town and tickets were impossible. I laid out some bucks and got 2 orchestra tickets.
I called her at work.
"Ellie, this is Scott, How are you?"
"Oh hi, Scotty, I was just thinking about you."
"Something good, I hope"
"Oh yeah, sweetie, that time we went to the Fourth Celebration at Washington Ridge Park." (We fucked under a tree during the fireworks).
"That was really special." I said.
"What can I do for you.?" She asked
"I'm sort of between a rock and hard place. I have these tickets for "Spam-a-lot" on Tuesday and my date cancelled. I would really like to see the show and I was wondering if your husband would allow you to be my date. Of course that also includes dinner at McDermott's Inn."
Truthfully, I wasn't sure she would buy into this shit but you never know.
"Scott, that sounds wonderful. As it turns out, hubby is on the road until Friday. I would love to go."
"Great, can I pick you up at the Office at 6:00."
