The Liberation of Ate Shaw

When I left Kate's apartment, I leaned back on the closed door and put my head in my hands. I could hear her sobbing, and it was all I could do to keep from rushing back in to take her in my arms. I stood there for a long while, hoping she would open the door and come after me even though that was probably the worst thing that could happen. Sighing deeply, I walked slowly to the elevator and let it carry me to street level, then got in my car and drove away.

I knew I should probably go back to my studio and spend some time in the darkroom, but work was the last thing on my mind. I drove around aimlessly for a while, the memory of Kate's sweet body and face and touch still so vivid it seemed as if she were right there next to me. I was tormented with thoughts of losing her, but I knew life with her would be very difficult if she refused to accept the consequences of being in a lesbian relationship with someone as well known and outspoken as I am. I wanted so badly to go back to Kate's and convince her that being true to herself – and by extension, her art – would only serve to set her free, not confine her. I could understand her fear of being rejected; God knows, enough "reputable" galleries in the beginning rejected my work, but eventually the quality of it began to speak for itself, and those galleries that had so haughtily rejected me were now clamoring for me to hang exhibits.

It would do neither of us any good for me to go back now, though. Kate had to decide on her own that being with me was important enough to risk losing a few fans; otherwise, her decision would not be honest, and we would be in an even bigger mess than this one. I knew this from first-hand experience, having once tried to convince a former girlfriend that coming out would be the best thing that ever happened to her. I had basically dragged her, kicking and screaming, out of the closet before she was ready, and she still has not forgiven me for "ruining her fucking life", as she so eloquently puts it. Even though my intentions were in the right place, it was my own selfishness and unwillingness to understand her fears that ultimately caused our break up, and I will regret hurting her until my dying day.

I decided to drive over to Peter and Jeffrey's frame shop to pick up some work I was having done, and thought maybe I could have a chat with Peter and see if he had any advice for me. As usual, the shop was humming with activity both from the workshops in back and the main showroom. I hesitated as I walked in, thinking maybe this wasn't a good time for me to stop by to unburden my romantic woes, but Jeffrey looked up from his worktable and spotted me soon after the door behind me closed.

"Jordan! Darling, how ARE you?" he asked, coming to me and taking off his plastic goggles. When he embraced me, the familiar, homey smell of sawdust mixed with his cologne nearly brought me to tears. I hugged him back, hard, and he looked at me closely when he pulled back and held me at arm's length.

"Uh-oh," he said, looking down at me with a serious expression. "Something's wrong, isn't it?"

I tried to smile at him, but I felt my lips and chin begin to tremble, then my eyes blurred as the tears began to form.

"Damn it," I swore, pulling away from him as I wiped my eyes with my hands.

He pulled the safety goggles off and took my arm, steering me to the back where Peter was working. When Peter saw me, he grinned and turned off the saw he was working with, then concern flooded his face when he got a good look at me. Jeffrey sat me down on a stool in their office, where Peter joined us after taking off his apron and goggles.

"Okay, Jordan, what gives?" Jeffrey asked as he pulled a stool next to me and sat down.

"God, I feel like an idiot," I said, reaching for a tissue as the tears overflowed and ran down my face. Peter, looking on sympathetically, handed me the full box and patted me on the back before returning to his seat.

"Why, sweetie?" Jeffrey asked.

I looked at Peter. "It's Kate," I said.

"Kate? What about her? Is she all right?" Peter asked, half standing in concern.

"Yes, yes," I said, waving him back to his seat. "I mean, she hasn't been in an accident or anything, if that's what you're thinking."

Jeffrey looked at me, speculating. "Darling," he said to Peter, "I think this is more of a romance emergency than anything else. Am I right, Jordy?"

I sighed. "I'm afraid so," I said. "I think I pushed her too far too fast, and now I'm wondering if that was a wise thing to do."

Peter chuckled. "Jordan, tell us what happened, although I have a feeling I know," he said.

I told them the whole story, beginning from when I first saw Kate and how I hadn't been able to get her off of my mind and ending with my walking out of her apartment. When I finished, they sat there silently and I could feel a cold hand squeezing my heart as I waited to hear what they thought of the situation.

"Well, GOOD for you," Peter said suddenly. "I think it's about time someone decided to push Kate into admitting who she is."

"Really?" I asked.

"Oh, god yes," he said. "I've known Kate most of her life, and it drives me insane that she's so afraid to let loose and really live. She has ALWAYS done things carefully and by the book, and it's about time someone made her face facts and is forcing her to make some kind of decision!"

"I just feel so damn awful," I said, my initial surge of hope dissipating as I recalled the fear and sadness on Kate's face before I left her apartment. "She's so new at this, and here I am, already pushing her to come out and to hell with the consequences."

Peter stood and walked over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. His brown eyes looked earnestly into mine.

"Jordan, listen to me," he said quietly. "Kate has been running from passion in her life as long as I've known her. She has such fire inside her, but she is desperately afraid to let it out. She had a chance, years ago, to sign a contract with a major record label and begin making her own recordings, but in the end she backed out of the deal and decided teaching was what she wanted to do. Sure, she's a great teacher, but it's not her calling in life. I've known for years that she was a lesbian, but she runs away every time I try to talk to her about it. I finally just gave up and let her be, but it frustrates me to see her closing herself off and settling for less than what she deserves. The day you came and asked me about her, I knew you were the answer to everything. You are exactly the catalyst Kate needs to set off her spark, so I'm telling you now – DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER. It's time, Jordan. It's time for Kate to push her limits and find herself, and you are the one to help her do it."

I sat there, trying to absorb Peter's words as he and Jeffrey looked on silently. Looking at Peter, I said, "What if she shuts me out? I'm seriously falling for this woman, and I'm scared to death of losing her. What if my pushing results in losing her for good?"

"Well, dear heart, only you can decide whether or not to take that risk," Jeffrey said. "If she's worth it to you – and you have indicated she is – then why would you want to risk never having her at all? At least this way you can know you tried, right?"

"I suppose you're right," I said slowly. I sat up straighter and grinned at the two men. "How did you get so wise?" I asked.

They grinned at each other and Peter affectionately tousled Jeffrey's air.

"Practice, my dear," he said, "Years of practice."

I left the shop feeling much better, but still unsure what to do about Kate. In my heart, I knew she was the one for me. I'm not sure exactly how I knew this, since I had only known Kate for a short time, but the feeling was too strong to ignore. I decided to drive back to the studio and start printing the pictures from the shoot that Kate had joined me on.

Once I got to the studio, I checked my messages, hoping to find one from Kate. No luck. Sighing, I headed for the darkroom and locked the door, turning on the red light outside which announced to anyone around that I working and the door was not to be opened. Humming to myself, I worked steadily to process the film, finding comfort in the familiar routines of measuring, checking chemical and water temperatures, setting timers, and washing the developed film. I left the newly developed negatives hanging up to dry as I busied myself getting the chemistry and paper ready for making prints. Once the negatives were ready for printing and a contact sheet was made, I began picking the negatives I wanted to print. I whistled when I saw the ones I'd taken of Kate. I knew when I took them that they would be pretty good, but I had no idea how photogenic she was.

One of the last ones I took of her, right before I kissed her, took my breath away. She was leaning back against the tree, her hair tossed back and her shirt open at the neck, exposing her graceful neck and the hollow of her throat. The look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know about Ms. Kate Shaw. I could see in her eyes the hidden fire Peter talked about, and I knew beyond any doubt that I wanted to be the one to kindle those flames. I quickly printed the rest of the photos, then sat and stared at my favorite one until the rest of them were dry and I was able to file them away.

I was startled to see how late it was when I left the studio for home. It always amazed me how time flew by when I was working; many times, I would even forget to eat when I was in the middle of a project. Realizing how hungry I was, I decided to stop at a favorite pub and grab a bite to eat.

Once seated inside, I ordered my usual tuna sandwich and sat sipping a glass of lemonade, then slipped Kate's picture out of the folder I had put it in and set it where I could study it. Her face and eyes mesmerized me, so I was startled when I realized someone was sitting at the table with me.

"Wow!" I exclaimed as I recognized the woman who sat across from me. "My God, is it really you, Toby?" I asked in amazement.

"The one and only!" Toby laughed as we stood up and embraced.

"I can't believe you're here! What are you doing here?" I asked as we sat down.

Toby grinned as she lit a cigarette. "I was on my way home from a meeting at the museum when I happened to walk by and look in the window, and here you are, sitting in the usual spot. Imagine my surprise, seeing you here again after all this time!"

"Yeah, well…I've been pretty busy lately, and haven't been in town that much," I said.

Toby leaned forward and slid her hands across the table, taking my hands in hers.

"I can't tell you how much I've been hoping I would see you here," she said, her voice low and intense. "I've really missed you."

I sat back, feeling uncomfortable as I pulled my hands away and crossed my arms over my chest. Toby must have sensed my discomfort, because she sat back and said in a bright tone, "So, what have you been up to?"

I told her about some of my latest projects and shows, beginning to relax as she asked questions and then talked about the exhibits she was coordinating at the museum. She ended up joining me for dinner and we spent the time catching up, laughing a lot as we reminisced about some of the crazy things we'd done while we were sleeping together and sharing a one room apartment.

"So, are you seeing anyone right now?" she asked, lighting another cigarette and leaning back in her chair.

I hesitated. "No. Well, not really," I said.

"Not really? What does that mean, exactly?" she asked, laughing.

I shifted in my chair. "It's a long story," I said, not sure how to explain what I meant.

Toby gestured with her hand, the smoke from her cigarette forming a graceful loop above her head. "I've got all the time in the world, babe," she said grandly. "Lay it on me."

I told Toby the story, leaving out the more intimate details but giving her a basic idea. She listened carefully, then stood up without a word and walked over to the bar. She came back with a drink for each of us and sat back down, just looking at me.

"Well?" I blurted, unable to read from her expression what she was thinking.

She took a sip of her drink. "Well, it sounds to me like this Kate has you running in circles," she said. " Is that about right?"

I stared at her. "No, of course not," I said defensively.

"Really?" she asked skeptically. "Then why aren't you with her right now?"

I laughed. "Well, I might be, if you hadn't come along."

"I see," she said cryptically, taking another sip of her drink and looking at me over the top of her glass.

"Would you stop it?" I said, swallowing my drink in a gulp and setting the glass down hard. "I'm not with Kate right now because I still haven't figured out what to do and how to go about doing it. That's it, period. I just want to figure things out for myself and give her a little time before I talk to her again."

"Okay, okay, calm down. I'm just giving you shit, Jordan. I didn't mean to upset you."

We sat for a while longer, drinking and talking about old times, then I glanced at my watch and was startled to see it was almost eleven. When I stood up to get ready to leave, I could feel myself leaning over and then starting to tip, and probably would have fallen if Toby hadn't grabbed me in time.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her arms around me.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I said, rubbing my eyes. "I guess I had a little too much to drink and didn't realize it."

"Come on," Toby said, putting her arm around me and leading me out of the pub. "Let's get you home."

I don't really remember much of the cab ride to my apartment. I remember leaning on Toby's shoulder and drifting off. I also remember swaying slightly as I stood on the sidewalk, waiting for Toby to finish paying the cabby, then we were inside my apartment and Toby was leading me to the bedroom. I fell on the bed, my limbs suddenly feeling like they each weighed about a ton.

"Damn, I forgot how vodka affects you," Toby muttered as she began taking my clothes off. I wanted to protest, but it felt really good so I kept quiet. The next thing I knew I was under the covers naked, then everything grew dark and I was out.

I swam into semi-consciousness sometime later, not sure if I was asleep or awake. I felt a hand stroking the inside of my thigh. My brain was so groggy that all I could think about was how good it felt. The hand was soft and warm, and it moved slowly up to my breasts and began to tease my nipples. I convinced myself everything would stop if I woke up, so I stayed still and let the feelings wash over me.

I felt breath on my neck, then the hand slid lower, pausing at my stomach and caressing the muscles there. I tried to keep my breathing even, but it was getting harder to do as the hand caressed lower, lightly brushing my trimmed pubic hair. I felt it slide down between my legs, tracing the outside of my slit and gently spreading my legs wider.

"Kate," I moaned softly. Her hand was still for a moment, then slid down to my slit again and began gently exploring every ridge and fold. I could feel the wetness there, and moaned again as two fingers rubbed along each side of my clit but didn't actually touch it. I felt her mouth at my nipple, then gentle sucking and a wet tongue swirling around, making my nipple hard and erect. I wanted to move my hands, but my arms were so heavy that all I could do was lie there. Her mouth continued to suck at my nipple while her hand gently probed every inch of my wetness, still not touching my clit.

I could hear myself moaning, but it sounded like it was coming from somewhere else. Her fingers slid inside me and began to slowly, rhythmically move in and out. I whimpered in protest as her mouth left my nipple, then I felt her body slide down and move in between my legs. I arched my back and cried aloud as I felt her warm tongue probing the top of my slit as her fingers kept sliding in and out of me. I struggled to open my eyes, but they stubbornly remained shut in spite of my efforts. She pushed my legs farther apart and spread me wide open, then her tongue was covering my clit and licking strongly from top to bottom. My hips were moving in time with her fingers, which were still sliding in and out, getting faster now. My clit was swollen, throbbing and hard, and the feel of her tongue on me was pure ecstasy. I could feel my orgasm building, and my hips began to buck wildly as I came, bumping my clit and pubic bone against her face.

"Ohhhh," I moaned, my entire body covered in a light sweat and going limp with exhaustion. I could do nothing but lie there as unconsciousness overtook me again.

My head was throbbing when I woke up the next day, squinting at the shaft of bright sunlight coming through a slit in the curtain. I sat up, looking around at my bed and trying to remember what had happened in the night. I was naked, but could not remember how I got that way, or even how I got to bed, for that matter. My mouth felt like something furry was living in it, and as I struggled to get out of bed, I groaned and put my head in my hands as the room started spinning. I could vaguely remember having an incredibly vivid sex dream about Kate, then I looked up in sudden hope despite my throbbing headache. HAD it been a dream? I wondered. It had felt so real, and was so vivid. Maybe Kate really HAD been with me last night. I looked around and noticed clothes on the floor that didn't belong to me, and had just started to stand up and look through the house when the phone rang. Before I could get to it, I could hear someone answer, and I groaned when I realized it was Toby's voice I was hearing, not Kate's. Looking around the room, my stomach dropped when I realized that what had happened last night was not a dream come true, but a nightmare. After all my talk about how much I wanted Kate, I had fallen into Toby's trap and ended up sleeping with her.

I heard footsteps coming down the hall, and I looked up to see Toby standing in the doorway with the phone in her hand.

"It's for you," she said, holding the receiver out to me. "It's Kate."

To be continued...