The Liberation of Ate Shaw

Driving home, I found myself looking in the rear view mirror to make sure Jordan's jeep was still behind me.

"This is absurd," I said aloud, shaking my head. "She knows where I live, so why do I keep doing this?" I knew why, actually; I still couldn't believe someone as self-assured and beautiful as Jordan was interested in me. Part of me expected her to drive past, toot her horn, and go on her merry way. It was weird how I'd felt so confident and sure of myself while I'd had her naked in my arms in the studio, but my self-doubt came crashing back the moment we were separated. I guess I expected her to change her mind and find someone more glamorous, in spite of the fact that she was the one who had pursued me.

I got to my apartment building and parked, waiting for Jordan to meet me in the entryway. I was amused to see the reactions of the men and women who passed her on the street as she walked toward me. She definitely knew how to turn heads.

"Hi," she said when she approached me, a mischievous grin on her face.

My mouth went dry for a moment and my stomach did a slow flip-flop at the thought of being alone with her.

"Hi, yourself," I said, clearing my throat as I ducked my head to look for the key.

"Why Katie, I do believe you're blushin'!" she said in an exaggerated southern drawl. "That's so cute!"

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled. "Come on, let's get inside before we get in trouble."

We walked to the elevator side by side, our hips bumping lightly. We were alone in the elevator, and when the doors closed, Jordan pushed me up against the wall and stood directly in front of me. She placed her hands against the wall on either side of my head and leaned into me, gently kissing me. I dropped the bag slung over my shoulder and put my hands on her waist. God, I loved the feel of her body. She moved closer to me, nudging my legs wider so she could stand in between them. I pulled her shirt out of her jeans and slid my hands up under it, feeling her warm silky skin. She moaned softly, deep in her throat, then stopped the kiss and leaned forward until our noses were touching. She ran one fingertip down the line of my jaw, traced my lips, then moved her hand down my chest and into the open V of my shirt.

"This is one of my favorite places on your body," she whispered, her voice husky and slightly rough. I leaned my head back as she bent to my neck and licked the hollow of my throat, then kissed me there lightly. My hand wandered up and clutched a handful of her hair as she began to suck on my tender throat, and her hand moved inside my shirt to cup my breast. I shivered at her touch as she gently rubbed a thumb over my nipple.

"Jordan," I whispered, holding her head with one hand and pulling her closer with the other.

"Hmmm?" she hummed, flicking her tongue along the underside of my jaw.

"Jordan, I..." I started, then was interrupted by the ding of the elevator bell. I jumped guiltily, and Jordan was suddenly next to me, calmly smiling at the man standing in the doorway as it opened. I must have had a strange look on my face, because he gave me a puzzled glance as he stepped into the car with us. He gave Jordan a small smile, then turned his back on us and punched the button for a floor one below mine.

I saw my reflection in the shiny metal of the wall and tried in vain to fix my hair and straighten the lapels of my shirt. I shot Jordan a frustrated glance as she stood there with a serene look on her face, as if we hadn't just been groping each other like a couple of horny high school kids.

The elevator finally got to our fellow traveler's floor, and he turned to give us another puzzled look as he left the car. As soon as the doors closed, Jordan burst into laughter, nearly doubling over as we got off at my floor.

"Ok, you crazed maniac," I grumped. "It's not that funny."

"Oh god, Kate," Jordan gasped between giggles, clutching at my shoulder. "The look on your face! And his! Did you see his face?"

I unlocked my door and held it open, impatiently waiting for her to walk in. She entered, trying to stifle her laughter, but it kept escaping in little snorts and bursts.

"All RIGHT," I said, irritated with her and not at all amused.

She turned, surprised at the tone of my voice. "What's wrong, Kate?" she asked, serious now.

I walked past her and flopped down on the couch, and she came over and sat on the coffee table in front of me.

I took a deep breath. "Jordan, I think the reality of this situation just hit me. You can't imagine how I felt when the elevator door opened. I mean, that man lives in my building! Imagine what would happen if he started spreading it around that I'm a..."

"A what?" She broke in, frowning. "A human being? A person with emotions and feelings? A person who likes to touch and be touched? What exactly is it that you're afraid of, Kate?" I looked at her, helpless to speak. Jordan waited for me to say something, then sat back and looked at me, with flat and expressionless eyes.

"I'm surprised at you, Kate," she said softly. "When you told me you were sure you wanted to be with me, I thought you understood what that would entail."

I shifted uncomfortably under her piercing gaze. "I thought I did, too."

"So you've changed your mind now that someone almost caught us kissing?" she asked, her voice low and almost dangerous. "Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"Yes... I mean no... I mean, I don't know what I'm trying to tell you, Jordan," I stammered. "All I know is that I thought my heart would stop when those elevator doors opened."

She sat there, silent and still, then stood up and looked down at me.

"I'll tell you what, Kate. When you figure all this out – for REAL this time – feel free to call me." She started to walk away and I reached out to grab her hand.

"Jordan, wait! Please, just wait a minute," I begged. She stopped, not looking at me, and I could see the muscles of her jaw clenching as she fought to keep her chin from quivering. I held on to her hand tightly as I stood to face her. "You're one of the most amazing people I've ever known, and you've made me feel things I've never felt before. When we were alone, it was like we were in our own little world and I didn't have to think of the implications or consequences of us being together. You're famous and independent, and what you do with your private life doesn't have any effect on how people view you. I work with people's kids every day, and the world I move in is not as accepting as yours. I depend on those people for my livelihood, Jordan. If I lose their respect or their business, I'll lose everything. Can you understand that?"

Jordan wouldn't meet my eyes. I put my hand under her chin and turned her head so she would have to look at me, and my heart melted when I saw tears standing in her eyes. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, but I knew she wouldn't let me.

She looked at me defiantly. "Kate, I'm sorry if this is confusing you and scaring you, but I can't allow you to play around with my feelings. You KNOW how I feel about you, and you let me get close to you even though you aren't sure this is what you want or who you want to be. If respect is what you're worried about, maybe you should think about what you'll lose if you turn your back on who you are." I looked away from her and let go of her hand. "I wish it were that simple," I whispered.

She grabbed both of my shoulders and shook me, hard. "It IS that simple, Kate," she hissed. "What about your career as a performer? Can you honestly believe your music won't sound as good to people if they know you're a lesbian? Is the world you live in so damned shallow that the beauty of your music isn't valid because you like to have sex with women? With ME??"

Her grip on me was strong, unbreakable, and I could not think of a thing to say as I looked at her tear-streaked face. She held me a moment longer, her eyes searching mine, then she let go and turned away when I remained silent. My heart cried out when I saw the deep sadness and disappointment in her eyes, but my tongue was stuck and I couldn't seem to unlock my throat enough to speak. Jordan stood there with her back to me, and although in my mind's eye I could see my hand stretching out to touch her shoulder, I was frozen in place. After a moment, she sighed deeply and walked to the apartment door. When she got there she stood with her hand on the doorknob, then turned to look at me.

"I love you, Kate," she said, her voice catching. "I'd like to believe you love me, but I won't put my life on hold to wait for you. You have to decide what you want, and understand that a life with me will mean you can't hide behind your fear."

Sobs shook my body as Jordan left, closing the door softly and taking my heart with her.

To be continued...