She turned and looked at me, and I was taken aback by the look in her eyes. She looked utterly lost...and although I knew it was my fault, I also knew there was nothing I could do about it.
"You promised me you would try, Collie" she said, and her chest heaved as a sob escaped from between her clenched teeth. I suppose it was a measure of how things had deteriorated -- for me, at least -- that although my heart wrenched painfully, I had no desire to walk over and comfort her. Heaven knows I had done enough of that throughout the course of our relationship.
I walked to the other side of the bed, opposite her, and leaned against the dresser behind me. "Honey, I did try. I've been trying for months, and I can't do it anymore. Can you honestly say you're happy with how things are?" I asked gently.
She lowered her eyes and her shoulders slumped. She knew the state of things, as little as she wanted to admit it. These days, the space between us in our bed felt like Siberia. Compared to how we used to be, so completely entwined that it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended, our life together had become a barren wasteland.
"Do you have to leave now?" she asked in a small, trembling voice...and in that moment I knew, in spite of what the consequences would be, that I would end up staying with her for one more night. 'One more night,' I promised myself as I walked around to her side of the bed and took her in my arms. She wrapped herself around me like a limpet, and as I held her and stroked her hair, I thought, 'One more night, then it's over and I'll leave.' I almost convinced myself it was true.
I got her into bed and excused myself to the kitchen, where I got a glass of water and drank deeply. I knew she was waiting for me and would cling to me and probably try to make love to me, and the thought exhausted me physically and emotionally. I emptied the glass and set it in the sink, then walked back down the hall to the bedroom.
Once again, my instincts were screaming at me, and I even briefly envisioned a scene in which I walked in, turned on the light, grabbed a suitcase, and ran out before she could stop me. I actually paused just inside the doorway and felt my heart pounding at the possibilities...but then I heard her voice call out to me and I went to her.
I crawled into bed next to her and she turned to me immediately, molding her body into mine. She clenched one fist in the t-shirt I was wearing and put her other hand on my face, tracing along my jaw and cheek. There was a time her touch made me shiver and ache with desire, but now all it did was make me sad. I reached up and took her hand in mine, holding it still.
"Joely," I murmured softly. "Please don't."
She made a tiny noise in her throat and let her hand fall between us, but she was still holding on to my shirt. I knew she was going to cry before she started, and I braced myself for the loud, wracking sobs I had come to expect...but she startled me by crying almost silently. Her whole body was clenched so hard that I was afraid she'd pull every muscle in her body, and before I knew it I had wrapped both of my arms around her and was rocking her, rubbing her back and trying to quiet her.
"Joely, shhh," I whispered. "Honey, please don't cry." In response, she inched even closer to me, her face buried in the hollow of my neck. Against my will, the feel of her warm breath on my throat began to do something to me, and I pulled her closer. I felt her shift and press her groin into mine, and my heart began to pound faster. Her free hand found its way to my back and slid up under my shirt, and I felt her nails dig into me.
