Just a Girl

Dr. Anna Bellaprio was a professor of Art History. Though she was primarily involved in research, and mentoring graduate students, she taught one undergrad course each semester. The course was not challenging, and the students were not art majors, so most did not have occasion to visit her office. The semester in question, however, a woman student came to her office early in the term. The girl- Odette was her name- was apparently interested in art history, and more specifically, William Turner, Anna's specialty. She hoped Anna would help her explore her interests and teach her beyond the classroom.

Something about the girl stirred Anna's memory. After Odette left, Anna thought of an incident when she was at school. It was a brief, sweet encounter with a female graduate student when she was still an undergrad. While Anna cherished this memory, she had not had any further erotic episodes with women. Reminded of the incident, she turned away from her work recalling the events of the evening almost 20 years ago.

She and Nadia, whom Anna did not know prior to the encounter, met at an off-campus party. Anna was seated on the floor; Nadia was on the sofa. Everyone was a little drunk including Anna. Nadia was wearing a short skirt. She sat with her legs slightly apart, so Anna could see her flowered panties. It surprised Anna that the sight gave her a certain arousal. Later, as the party wound down, Nadia asked Anna if she needed a ride home. She accepted. They talked about Nadia's graduate work in psychology. Something with monkeys, Anna could not remember. The two of them ended up in Anna's dorm room. She kept some wine in her little refrigerator, so they had a nightcap. The room had a fold-out bed that doubled as a couch; the two women sat there. Nadia asked her if she had ever kissed a woman. Anna had not. Nadia changed the subject and they talked about art which, even then, was Anna's passion. She planned to go to graduate school and then land a faculty position, or perhaps work at a museum. Nadia also had her eye on academia.

Anna could remember exactly what Nadia said next, "You know what I really love to do when I'm not torturing monkeys? Well of course you don't. Give back rubs. Would you like one?"

"Ok, do you do it through my t-shirt or should I take it off?"

"Well I think it is much better when I touch bare skin, but it depends if you're comfortable with that." Anna pulled the shirt over her head and tossed it away, but kept on her bra. She leaned forward on her knees and Nadia moved close beside her. She ran her fingers through Anna's long, wavy black hair moving it aside before she began stroking her fingers across Anna's back. Anna remembered feeling the goose bumps rise. She was relaxed and did not feel uncomfortable, even though it was a new experience. Well relaxed was not the right word, because Anna could feel her face flush, and she was reasonably sure, her pussy was damp.

Nadia asked her if she would like her to do her legs too. She rose without speaking and unzipped her jeans, letting them fall. Standing facing Nadia, looking down into her eyes, she removed her bra, her small breasts as pale as the rest of her, contrasting with her dark nipples. Nadia smiled. Anna went to the sofa and laid face down. Nadia sat on the edge, her dress exposing her thigh which touched Anna's. The feel of skin on skin sent an electric shock through Anna's entire body. She felt she might come just from the touch. Nadia gently massaged and tickled her legs, then moved to her feet and toes, and up to her back again. Anna moved her legs slightly apart, and Nadia caressed the smooth flesh of her inner thigh. Time became irrelevant to Anna; she felt like Nadia was creating her anew, and she had no control over the process. Nadia's fingers stopped and Anna felt her lips on the back of her left thigh, her breath hot, a low moan escaping.

"I have to go, Anna." As she retrieved her purse, Anna rose and walked to her. They stood facing one another. Anna said "Would you like to kiss me?" Without answering Nadia moved so the cotton of her skirt was flat against Anna's thighs and she felt her mound. Anna's nipples brushed against Nadia's blouse. Standing motionless her lips were inches from Anna's. Both women with eyes open; she put her lips to Anna's, gently kissing. Then- and Anna could still feel a shiver at the image- she slowly slid her tongue into Anna's mouth. Anna responded. After a long, sweet moment, Nadia stopped, stepped back and looked into her eyes, smiled and turned to leave. "Bye, babe". Anna would never forget that moment, but she had not thought of it in years.

Now, this memory would forever link Odette to Nadia in Anna's mind. The reason was unclear, but Anna decided it may have involved the slightly exhibitionistic vibrations of both women. Nadia showing her panties and thighs; intentionally or not. Odette bending over Anna's desk to look at a paper and her blouse gapping open so Anna could view her breasts swinging free.

Next morning Anna received an unusual hand-written letter in her morning mail. It was from Odette, on a piece of notebook paper. Students did not write letters as far as Anna knew. She was surprised at the quality of the penmanship, as well as, the content. Odette had looked up some of the documents Anna had recommended about Turner. Even more impressive she had read a couple of Anna's papers. One paragraph in the letter read as follows:

Dr. Bellaprio, have you considered the homosexual sub-text of Turner's work? I mean look at "Hero and Leander" or "Ulysses Deriding Polyphemus" for god's sake. Ulysses stuck a big stick in his eye, how phallic can you get?

Anna laughed so hard, her secretary came in to see if she was ok. So, did the girl have a terrific sense of humor, was she trying to impress Anna, or was she actually intellectually curious? She was suddenly quite interested in the answer to this question.

Anna liked the idea of corresponding. It was almost quaint compared to cell phones or email. Each time she went to the university store, she would search the pens, to see if any new kinds had arrived. She had a vast collection, so she took out one of her favorites to compose a letter to Odette.

Dear Odette,

What an astounding idea. Is this original with you, or did you find it in one of the sources? I am unaware of any scholarly works concerning sexual references in Turner's work- let alone homosexual. Please tell me more about your thoughts.

Dr. Bellaprio

Dear Dr. Bellaprio,

I was in the library reading and a girl I know came over to talk on a study break. She seemed to be flirting with me. After she went back to her carrel, I started thinking about homosexuality. At the time I happened to be looking at the paintings I mentioned to you. So there it is; that's where the idea came from. It's so obvious I'm sure someone must have mentioned it before. O

Dear Odette

Would you be interested in pursuing these ideas in the formal setting of independent study? This semester you would not get any course credit for your work. But if progress warrants it, next year we could set up a 3-credit hour arrangement.

Dr. Bellaprio

Dr. Bellaprio

Thank you for taking my ideas seriously. I will do some more research and then decide on whether to continue the project.

O

Anna and Odette continued to correspond frequently and to talk in person occasionally; mostly about Odette's results, but sometimes about personal things. Odette revealed that she wrote stories and poems. Anna asked to sample some of her work, and Odette agreed.

Day after next Anna received a note from Odette. The only text was a poem. The title was "The summer lost that was our youth". Reading the verse she felt tears come to her eyes. Jesus how does one so young know these things? Odette had read Anna's heart. Read things Anna didn't know, or had forgotten, were there. Anna was not aroused; she just felt a warm, womanly urge to hug Odette.

Next day another note came. It was called "The last Daffodil". This one had a different effect on Anna. The poem had a vaguely erotic sense.

She closed and locked the door to her office. Draping the gray suit jacket over the chair, she began unbuttoning her blouse. She unzipped her pants and let them fall to the floor. She sat in the desk chair, thinking about the time 20 years ago with Nadia. Anna unclasped her bra and tossed it away. She looked down, examining herself for signs of aging. She had no children so things didn't look all that bad. Her small dark nipples stood up. She slipped her panties down her legs and off. Her pussy, trimmed but not shaved, shone from the moisture of arousal. She brushed the fingers of both her hands inside her thighs, touching her labia, then her belly, her cheeks and lips. Last she touched her left nipple, sending a charge through her. She loved to masturbate in her office. Even though the door was locked, she sensed a certain dangerous excitement not present when at home. Like parking when you are a kid.

Her clit was hard as a tiny pearl, its milky whiteness glowing and growing pink as she stroked it. Her nipples were so sensitive she could only just stand to touch them. In her mind a woman was coming to her, to help her, she needed more than two hands. The woman was familiar, but who was it? The woman kneeling between her thighs lowered her lips to Anna's breasts caressing and sucking. It was Odette. Anna had no control; her fantasy had a life of its own. As Odette stroked and kissed her she came with the intensity that sent her to the floor on her knees, moaning stroking, grabbing her nipples, pinching. Finally she rested face down on the floor. She may have slept she was not sure. When next aware she noticed it was dark outside her window. Fuck.

Anna peered into her compact mirror. She looked like shit. Oh well, it was fun. And no one got hurt.

Dear Odette

Thank you for sharing your poems. Not only are they lovely, but they moved me quite profoundly. Your future may lie in that direction and not art history; probably more exciting anyway.

Dr. Bellaprio

Dear Dr. Bellaprio

It's after 2 and I have had three- I think- rum drinks. So I hope I don't say anything I shouldn't and get in trouble or upset you.

Glad you liked my poems. I've got several in the process now and some stories. I'll let you read them when I finish. I love the image of being an artist or poet, but I'm afraid I can't afford that luxury. I'm going to be an electrical engineer, so I can make a living as soon as possible. Or I could dance at a club. I think I would be good at that. I could write poetry during the day and take my clothes off for an audience at night. Hmm. Engineering. Dancing. Tough choice.

Odette

That afternoon, Odette and Anna talked about her research and agreed that she was making enough progress to justify continuing the project.

"I wrote a short story. Would you like to read it?" Odette said just as she was leaving.

"Yes that would be nice, Odette. As I said in my note to you, I loved the poems."

"Ok, I'll send you a copy."

On Wednesday, Odette's story arrived by campus mail. The title was "Shelley's Kiss". In part it read as follows:

In heels she was just my height; her lips the color of sunset on a cloudy day. Cheekbones anyone would die for. She was at the mirror adjusting her long auburn hair. She smiled. As I approached her she turned and leaned on the edge of the sink. Her legs were apart, I stood so our bellies were just touching. She looked down at my body and brushed my arms with her fingers, then rested them on my hips. She looked back into my eyes. I leaned closer; our lips touched for the first time. I will never forget that moment. Her sudden intake of breath, our thighs firm against one another, her tongue searching for my parted lips. Her hands grasped my hips pulling me closer. Rubbing against one another; a growing sense of urgency. She reached down and pulled my skirt above my waist, and slipped her fingers inside my panties, tickled my butt with her fingers. There was a knock at the door. "Shelley, hurry up hon, we gotta go, the babysitters going to be worried." And that was it.

There was more, but that was the part that struck Anna. At the end there was a lone sentence. "At night I think of you, I see you lying beside me in my arms, we make love, and then sleep the slumber of the innocent."

She read the story again. What to do? What kind of response? What the fuck was this girl doing? Was the last sentence meant for Anna?

Odette came by that afternoon. They talked about the story in general terms. Anna admitted that she found it erotic. "Have you ever kissed a woman; I mean like a sexual kiss?" Odette asked.

Anna hesitated. She felt her face color. Odette was impassive. Finally Anna smiled and said "Yes."

"Are you gay?"

"No."

"Does your husband know about the woman?"

"No, it happened a long time ago, before we met."

Odette looked past Anna out the window overlooking campus. They sat in silence.

"Interesting. I kissed another girl when I was young. We were naïve and were trying to imagine what sex was like. We pretended to be husband and wife. I think about that quite often. It still makes me hot. Do you masturbate?"

"Yes."

"Really? I assumed when you got married and all, you didn't need to do it any more. When you do it, do you have fantasies?"

"Yes."

"Me too. I'm going to tell you one more thing then I'll leave you alone. The last time I masturbated I thought about you...and I." Odette looked at Anna apparently waiting for a response. Anna smiled and so did Odette; without speaking, she rose.

"Ok, one more thing, and this is hard for me. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not a real student enrolled at the University. I graduated last year from another school and I work over in ____City waiting tables. I sit in on classes for fun, and to learn. I like hanging out at the school, there's a lot of stuff to do, and lots of interesting people. I wanted to let you know all this before we see each other again. If we do see each other. I'm going to tell you another thing. Have you ever seen "Groundhog Day"? I think a lot of people's lives are like that. I don't want mine to ever be like that."

Much later Anna still sat in here office. In the dim light of sunset she stared at the glass of whiskey on her desk. The cigarette smoke curled into the still air diffusing to gray haze. She took the cigarette into her mouth and inhaled. She knew she would regret having smoked. She always did. The tears came again. Not sobbing this time, just trickling down her cheeks.

In the end what is it we are looking for in life? Anna realized that by seeing Odette, she would take a risk that, if things went badly, could completely fuck up her life. On the other hand what is worth doing? Worth taking that kind of risk. You have to walk down that road alone.

Early Friday afternoon Anna left her office for the beach house. She wanted the solitude to work on a manuscript. And to think about where her life was going. She needed to be alone. She decided to take the Interstate instead of the back roads which she usually drove when her husband was with her. She didn't like to travel them alone. Besides it was easier to think on the fast road.

She loved the drive to the beach; ordinarily thinking about research ideas or just letting her mind wander. This time, however, she thought of Odette. Life was good and there was no reason to take risks. On the other hand, she had not been this excited about an adventure in a long time.

She wasn't sure what Odette had meant about "Groundhog Day", but she had some idea. Some days she felt like it was the same as the day before, and the day before that. Before long the years sort of slipped away. But maybe more importantly, sometimes she found herself acting like she thought she should. Don't embarrass yourself. Don't disappoint your parents. Don't upset hubby. Don't piss off the Dean. Act to make your life easy, pleasant, don't rock the boat. The guy in the movie finally realizes that to get what he really wants he has to be himself, not some fake designed for what he thinks other people want.

Anna did not believe in regrets, and therefore, avoided actions she felt she might regret. But she was beginning to wonder if, not taking the risks you thought you might regret, led to regrets of another kind. Like missing out on life's most interesting and exciting experiences.

Must be true "sometimes you get what you need." Kind of hard to know what that is, but it might be Odette, or maybe Odette would take her where she needed to go. Only one way to find out. She'd deal with that when she got back on Monday. For now she'd fantasize or daydream, and perhaps think about her work.

Not many of the houses on the island were occupied. It was still spring and school was in session so the season had not started. It was Anna's favorite time of the year; warm, but still not crowded. After unpacking the car and opening all the windows, she mixed a large vodka tonic, and sat on the screened porch that overlooked the canal. She finished her drink and the munchies and went upstairs to shower. As she soaped her body, she thought about masturbating, but decided not to take the edge off her sexy feelings.

The drink and shower made her feel like she was at the beach for real. She put on one of her old oxford cloth shirts and a pair of running shorts. From the upstairs deck off the bedroom, you could see the ocean in the daylight, and at night it was nice up there to look out over the island or look at the stars. She made another drink and returned to the deck.

The next night, after a relaxing day on the beach reading and thinking and napping, Anna had dinner at a small local restaurant. Just as she finished her coffee she saw a woman enter the restaurant. It was Nadia; no it was not it was Odette. Anna felt the blood run from her face. Odette spotted Anna, approached and sat down at the table.

"Hi. Surprised to see me, eh?"

"Moderately."

"Thought so, by the look on your face. You alright?" The waiter came to the table asking if they needed anything. Odette ordered a martini. "Are you upset- my just showing up?"

"No, just surprised. I thought you were someone else for a moment. But the more I get used to it the better I like it."

"Good. I want to show you something. I need career advice. You know the club down in ____ Beach? They have amateur night there. I think I'll go down and enter the contest. I'd like you to come along." The waiter delivered the martini; Odette took a long sip; all the while looking at Anna for a reaction.

Anna called after the waiter. "An Old Fashioned for me. Thanks."

The two women sat in silence until the drink arrived. "So if I go, what are my duties?"

"Drive and watch. See if you think I could do it professionally. Simple enough."

Anna nodded.

Odette was wearing baggy silk pants held up by a drawstring, wedge sandals and Hawaiian-style shirt with orchids. "Is that your performing costume?"

"Trust me it'll work. You'll like it. If not, you get a full refund from me."

At the club, still in the car, Anna donned sunglasses and a hat. A feeble attempt at disguise; on the other hand it was unlikely she would see anyone she knew. She hoped.

They entered together and found a table near the back. Odette left to get set for the contest/performance. Two women appeared prior to Odette. They were good dancers, and she thought their acts were traditional stripteases. She found their performances mildly erotic. Apparently law prohibited complete nudity, so they only disrobed to very small panties. Odette's approach was quite different.

She simply walked onstage. Still wearing the same outfit; she had put on sunglasses. Facing the audience; motionless at first. Her music started- "Just a Girl". Anna had heard the song, but could not remember the woman's name who sang. Odette's face shone in the lights. The glaze of perspiration giving her an erotic glow. She ran both hands through her hair; her head thrown back. She moved her tongue around her lips, arms now at her side. With one hand she pulled the drawstring and the pants fell to her ankles.