All characters are fictional and over 18 years old.
It had been a week since the breakup, so Julia figured she was strong enough to finally box up her ex's stuff. She opened her closet, grabbed a box, and began tossing in big sweatshirts, hardly-worn lingerie, and tacky jewelry that was cute at the time, but now spoke to Mark's lack of creative effort. It was a surprisingly mechanical process, which was all too familiar to Julia. The last few months of the relationship were so robotic and monotonous that she barely had any memories from them. Julia almost wished that Mark did something so offensive that she would have no choice but to break up with him, but that would require him to show some kind of emotion.
Julia threw a Valentine's Day teddy bear into the box and revealed a plastic bin tucked in the corner of the closet. She sighed and opened it up. Inside was an assortment of once or never-used sex toys that she bought in the hopes of spicing up their mind-numbingly dull sex life. Julia went to dump the contents into the box, but she stopped herself, reasoning that she could probably get some use out of the fuzzy handcuffs in the future. Before putting the bin back, she tossed a bottle of massage oil into the cardboard box, which was Mark's only contribution to the arsenal of toys. Sadly, but not unsurprisingly, it still had the brittle plastic seal wrapped around the cap.
As Julia did a double-check to make sure her closet was Mark-free, she heard a few rapid-fire vibrations from her phone.
"Did you do it?" Taylor asked in a group chat with Julia and her other closest friend, Alex.
"Yeah," Julia said. "I'm down to like, two sweatshirts now though."
"Did you cry? I was sobbing when I packed up my ex's stuff," Alex said.
"I honestly didn't feel much."
"Like when he fucked you," Taylor responded immediately, which earned a healthy amount of laughter from Alex. Julia rolled her eyes, but couldn't argue with the truth.
"Ignoring that, are you both still coming tonight?" Julia asked.
"Of course. Now that you aren't sad, we can make fun of you for dating a guy that thought you could get pregnant from a blowjob," Alex said.
"Remember when he forgot about her birthday?" Taylor immediately jumped on the opportunity to slide another knife into Julia's side.
"Or how he couldn't read an analog clock?" Alex twisted the knife deeper.
"Save it for tonight," Julia cut them off. "And bring wine. Lots."
***
"I still don't understand how you don't learn how to read a clock," Alex said while pouring three glasses of rosé from a disgustingly cheap bottle.
"Was it the hour hand or minute hand that confused him?" Taylor asked. She swirled the wine in her glass like she was a sommelier and not a broke college student.
"I think it was interacting with anything that wasn't on a screen," Julia admitted. She took a long sip of wine and winced at the taste, but she kept her opinions to herself. She was in no position to be making judgements about taste in wine while her taste in men was being thoroughly eviscerated. Despite trying to be respectful to Mark, she had to admit that it was cathartic to be validated for all of the small grievances that piled up over the course of the relationship.
"Do you think he could've made you cum if your clit was digital?" Taylor took out her phone and made obnoxious scrolling motions. The three women erupted in laughter, Julia fully abandoning any attempt to keep her dignity. Rounds of jokes poking fun at the relationship's obvious incompatibilities circulated until the bottle of wine was empty and Julia's stomach hurt from laughing.
"I promise I'm not hitting on you, but you look a lot hotter when you're not wearing one of his sweatshirts," Taylor said.
Julia raised her eyebrows suspiciously. Taylor's only form of communication was flirting, which made Julia seriously doubt the intention behind the compliment. By their third year of friendship, Taylor mostly stopped trying to make a move on Julia and Alex, but she let her inner thoughts slip through every now and then.
"Right? Even I'd fuck you," Alex nodded her head at Taylor, who shrugged in agreement.
"Thanks," Julia said. She felt the compliments and the wine warm her cheeks. "Though there are a few apparently un-fuckable sweatshirts available if you guys want them. I don't wanna just throw everything out," Julia said and grabbed the cardboard box from her room. Taylor and Alex lit up with excitement, realizing that they were about to see three years worth of shitty gifts and stolen clothing.
"No judgment. Not to me at least," Julia swatted Taylor's hand away and put her hand over the top of the box.
"Pinky promise," Taylor said. Alex nodded in agreement. As soon as she moved her hand, her friends began tearing through the box, modeling different clothing and launching a new barrage of jokes at Julia that instantly broke the "no judgment" rule.
"What's this?" Alex pulled the bottle of massage oil out of the box. Julia saw something change in Alex's demeanor. Her green eyes were wide and her lips were slightly parted as if she just discovered a scandal.
"Oh, that's gotta be a year old at least. Mark got it for me for Valentine's Day last year, but he never used it," Julia explained.
"I would demand daily massages if I were dating someone," Alex said. "God, I can't believe..." she trailed off.
"What?" Taylor and Julia said in unison. Alex was normally very secretive about her sex life and romantic feelings.
"No, I can't..."
"You just spent the last two hours ripping into my life, I hereby order you to spill it," Julia said with a fake declarative voice.
"If either of you make fun of me I'm going to cry," Alex warned.
"I would never! Taylor... you wouldn't do something like that, would you?" Julia asked, a smile growing on her face.
"Me? No, that wouldn't be very nice," Taylor nodded in agreement.
"Fuck you guys," Alex laughed. "Ok, back when I got recruited for the volleyball team, I fucked up my shoulder and needed physical therapy. As part of the program, I went to this massage parlor and... it was incredible."
