Hi! My name's Ellie. I used to live pretty wild and stupid, but then I had a baby and I decided to try and be smarter. Inside, though, I'm still as impulsive and hungry as ever. Sometimes, to help myself work through the drive without acting out, I sit down to write about it.
I wanna talk about Nikki today.
So you get the picture, I'm eighteen with long dark hair and brown eyes that shift between chestnut and mahogany depending on the light. I'm in good shape, but I'm not an athlete or a model. I work hard to keep my curves fit and think I do my 36C breasts and 34-inch hips justice. I wear glasses and a nose-stud, and I almost always dress to show off cleavage.
The night of the Christmas Eve service at my church, I was wearing a navy blue skirt suit with a scarlet silk halter top. I wore a navy bra under the top, but I only wore pantyhose under my skirt. Closed toe heels completed the outfit. I didn't go looking to play around, but I was hoping to catch some looks.
Instead of sitting with my family, I sat with my friend Nikki off to one side. She's a pale, slinky girl with long red hair. Her eyes are a dark green and shaped like almonds. Her lips are delicate, rolled gently on the bottom and pouting slightly on the top. That night she wore a black dress with neon green flashes. Her stockings were black, and so were the heels she wore.
As always, Nikki's look was cute and playful with a quiet and mature innocence that was intentionally pretty but accidentally sexy.
Nikki isn't my best friend, but she's my oldest friend. Her dad and my dad work together, and they were transferred out of state at the same time, and to the same new location. Because of that, even though Nikki is queer and I'm bi, and I think she's head-over-heels adorable, we've never done anything. From time to time we flirt playfully, but we always cut it short. It's not an unspoken rule; it's one we've talked through and agreed on.
But reluctantly.
And in my mind, I have never been able to commit to it. On Christmas Eve, when we were standing around chatting and my ears were soothed by her voice, my eyes delighted with her form, and my nose tantalized by the lightly intoxicating scent she wore, my mind raced straight for where I can never go in real life...
Nikki catches my eyes caressing the curve of her hips like my hands wish they could. She smiles and tips my chin up with her finger tip. As if teasing a boy caught staring at her chest, she says, "My eyes are up here, sweetie."
I swallow down a sudden nervousness. Her eyes are so deep and clear. They're no safer to look at. My glasses are no barrier to protect me from falling in.
Suddenly, Nikki's face pales and I see her lick her lips and swallow. "Maybe we should just sit down."
She turns.
I grab her wrist gently from behind. "It's voluntary."
"What is?" she asks without turning around.
My gaze trails slowly down her back. "Our rule. No one will punish us if we break it."
"We can't do that," she says. But then she turns and draws a little heart on my cheek with the tip of one elegant finger. "As much as I may want to."
We sit apart from the crowd. Each of us tries once or twice to start innocent small talk. Neither of us can even finish the sentence we start. We sit quietly. I steal glances at her. Occasionally, I think she's stealing them at me, too. I inhale the scent she's wearing. I'm not sure what it is, but it draws me in. The last thing I need is another force pulling me towards my friend.
As the service starts, and we song Christmas songs, I can hardly find my voice, because there are few sounds in the world that are more purely pretty than Nikki's alto. Sometimes, when she sings, I can't understand how I don't fall in love with her. I told her that once when we'd been sneaking drinks. It had touched her.
And tonight, when I close my eyes and just listen to the magic, she knows when I am thinking, and she reaches down to give my hand a discrete squeeze.
I open my eyes and look at her.
She smiles with something deeper than understanding.
My soprano is thin and wavery but I try to sing for her. I try to pretend I'm returning the favor, even though listening to me is no special treat.
Tonight, though, as I try, her hand finds the small of my back. To the rest of the congregation it hopefully looks like innocent friendship, but she's never touched me like that before, and to me it feels like something else. Energy surges through me. I'm not used to feeling vulnerable to another girl, but tonight I'm vulnerable to Nikki.
When we sit back down, she takes my hand and clasps it in her lap. My heart pounds. My pulse races. I lick my lips and look at her. I can't think what to say.
She releases my hand and rests hers on my knee. Glancing furtively to make sure no one can easily see, she slides her hand up thigh a bit and whispers, "What are we afraid of?"
"That we might ruin our friendship?" I suggest.
