There was a time where I didn't think I would ever be held again, never to feel the touch of a woman's hands on me, never to feel her lips on mine. It has been a year now since Sheryl died and the pain wasn't any less since that awful day. The memories tore at my soul and I closed my eyes again fighting off the daylight streaming in my window. It was time to get up and live through the day once more. Oh how I hated doing this, day after day living life without her. Why couldn't I just die? Why was I being forced to live without her? I thought about death often, wishing I had the nerve to take my own life but I knew that she would be there waiting for me with disappointment in her eyes and that would be worse than the pain I felt now. I drug myself out of bed slowly feeling the achy ness in my body as my feet touched the cold wood floors. Slowly making my way into my bathroom, I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize what stared back at me. If Sheryl could see me now she would be furious with me.
The last year of mourning had taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The image staring back at me had dark circles under her once dark green eyes, her cheekbones had been prominent at one time, but now they protruded with sunken cheeks from lack of eating properly. She was tall but held her body with her shoulders hunched over all the time that no one who didn't know her wouldn't see her statuesque body. Her arms though, they were still strong and still muscled from the long hours of trying to drown her sorrow through physical pain of working out everyday. Who was this woman in the mirror? I knew it was what I had made myself become. I knew this was not good for me, but I didn't know how to change it and I didn't know if I really wanted to. After all, who was going to see me in that light again? Clients didn't care if I ate right or if I was beautiful, all they cared about was whether they got the service for their money. I breathed in slowly then turned to the shower, hoping the sting of the hot water would put me in a better frame of mind. Work was calling for me and it was time to put these thoughts in the recesses of my shadowed mind.
The office wasn't far from home; in fact, it was only right down the five-mile driveway from my house. The land we had owned together had our house and my office sitting on it. The house we built together, the house she only spent four months in before death took her. The house I now occupied alone, alone with my grief and dark thoughts of death. Growling at myself and shaking my head as I opened the door to my jeep and slid into the driver's seat. Firing the engine to life, I let it warm up a bit, as I gave myself a mental pep talk. It was time for work. By the time I got down the five mile drive I had my mind in the place I wanted it. Web designs and smoozing all my clients one more day. I unlocked the front door and went right to my office noticing the long white box on my desk, my left brow raised inquisitively as I walked to my desk. Whom could these be from? How did they get in here? Jessica my secretary and our long-standing friend wasn't even at work yet. I approached the white box slowly cautiously as though it could be something dangerous, my hand sliding out to lift the top to reveal 12 long stem red roses. With a more confused look on my face, I searched for a card to no avail. Taking a moment to think, I picked the flowers up along with a crystal vase Sheryl had bought me when I opened the business, and took them to the bathroom to arrange and fill with water. My mind went over all the possibilities of whom they could be from. By the time, I got back to my desk I had no more answers than when I had started. I looked on the outside of the box, seeing the name of the florist I ran through my mental rolodex and called the number.
"Hello Mark's Florist, how can I help you?" said a young feminine voice.
"Hello this is Jo Tanner of Corral Designs; I have some flowers here on my desk that comes from your shop. I was wondering if you can tell me who sent them." I spoke softly into the phone.
"Yes Ms Tanner, if you will just give me your address I can try to look up the information for you."
I gave the young woman the information she wanted and sat down at my desk as I waited listening to the tunes of being on hold. While I waited, I heard the front office door open and knew it would be Jessica Jones ready to work and put up with me for another day. Sure enough, she poked her head into my office and waved after seeing I was on the phone. I smiled at her and nodded my head just about to tell her I was on hold when the young woman at the shop spoke to me again.
"I am sorry Ms Tanner, but I have no record of a delivery to your address in my books, so I am afraid I cannot tell you who they are from."
I knew with this town being so small that if I pressed the issue she would surely be able to give me some idea of who bought 12 long stem red roses in the past 24 hours, but I decided to let it go, thanked her for her time and hung up the phone. I think that Jessica was watching for the moment I hung, because not a second later she was at my door again. I was leaning back in my chair still looking confused I guess.
"What's up boss lady?" she said with a sly smile on her face, knowing I hated it when she called me that, yet knowing it was a favorite joke of hers.
"Well, someone left me a dozen long stemmed red roses, unless of course they mistook my desk for yours and I have no idea who it was." I took the time to fully look at her now, noticing that the 5'2" woman was dressed as professionally as ever, her red hair pulled up in a professional manner and her make up light on her face, enhancing what was already a beautiful face. I liked that she didn't try to cover up her natural beauty and only did things that brought out her bright green eyes. I tilted my head for a moment as her face took on another look all together, going from happy and carefree to worry. "What's wrong Jess?"
"It was me Jo," She said slowly as she began to wring her hands together. "I came in earlier before I knew you would be here and left them on your desk."
She said no more, just turned around and walked out into the lobby to her desk. I jumped up and followed her out, looking at her sitting behind her oak desk trying to act as though she was busy with some important business matter. I decided to take this casually and sat on the leather couch that sat along the wall for clients to wait to see me. She tried to ignore me and I waited for her to speak, the silence was about to get the best of me when the front door opened suddenly jolting us out of our daze. I turned to see the local delivery boy with our usual coffees and danishes. He was loyal to me and was always prompt in bringing our standing order every morning I was open. Thankful for the distraction Jessica got up and welcomed him with a big smile on her face and money in her hand. After setting the order down on the coffee table in front of the couch and paying him, she walked him to the door. She tried to pick up her coffee and go back to her desk but one look from me changed her mind and she took her usual spot on the couch next to me. I waited a moment longer before speaking.
