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I'm a mess. Of course I am I know what's coming. I lived it. This letter was meant to be for my daughter but somehow the demons of my past have taken control. Well, only the one demon actually. The one I loved. Claire. Unable to stop I've gone well beyond the point of no return. I will not be giving this letter to Leanne; it reveals things that have never been revealed to anyone before. Not even Jack, my wonderful husband, who picked up the pieces after Claire broke me all apart.
Even though the memories pouring out of the ever present darkness in the back of my mind are twenty years old, I'm living it now like I'm right there again as my pen scratches away at the paper and my tears fall. This time there will be no stopping, no escape until the story is told...
The day after Claire took my virginity was heaven and hell. Heaven because all I could think about was what we'd done and hell because... well because, for me at least, army training was hell and I was more tired than I'd ever been in my life. You need every instant of your exactly eight hours of sleep a night when you're training so hard. The physical and mental exhaustion from your day's activities have you falling asleep the moment your head hits the pillow. Well most of the time anyway. Over our last few nights of discovery together, tucked away in my corner of a ten person barracks room, hidden from the others only by the flimsy curtain at the foot of my bed and darkness, Claire and I had been denying ourselves the sleep we needed. It was taking its toll. We were walking zombies.
That day was also to be a day of minor humiliation. When I awoke in the morning I found my underpants and my sheets stained with blood. Claire had been pretty rough when she broke my hymen, slamming her finger through and then wiggling it around. In the dark neither of us had realised I was bleeding that much. We got issued fresh sheets once a week on Saturday. It was Thursday. I had to go to the Platoon Commander and make up a lie about my period coming early. Fortunately she was one of the nicer ones. She didn't make a spectacle of me; she just gave me the chit I needed to change my sheets and a pat on the back as I left her office.
"Don't worry Private; it's all the exercise that your body's not accustomed to. It can throw your body clock out of sync. It happens to at least one girl every intake."
I left, wondering if indeed it really did happen or whether situations like mine and Claire's might be a bit more common than we thought.
I was quite relieved when at lunch that day Claire slid a paper across the table to me.
"Need a break, need a couple of nights good sleep. Hope you liked it?"
I gave her a shy smile. I couldn't believe she needed to ask. She'd been a Goddess and she took me to heaven. I quickly started to rip up the note; we couldn't afford to be found out. She stopped me and indicated she wanted me to hand it back then did the job herself. Maybe she didn't trust me to dispose of it. I felt a little hurt. Anyway a few good nights of sleep was exactly what we both needed and as much as I would miss the wonderful fun we'd been having in the dark I kind of needed her to give me a bit of breathing space for while anyway. I'd gone from being a completely naive and inexperienced virgin who'd never even kissed before to having my first ever sex, with a girl, in just a few days. I'd never even masturbated before that. Now I was doing it as often as the tough situation would allow. A lot of the girls did. But it was very hard to be subtle about it.
Our barracks room had an aisle down the centre and five beds down either side of that, my bed was one of the two farthest from the door, from which the Platoon Sergeant could watch us. Between my bed and Claire's were my wardrobe and a low set of drawers. Claire could sneak into my bed at night by climbing quietly over the drawers. On the other side of her was Natalie. Neither of us really got on with Nat and she'd almost caught us at it the second night we'd played together. Claire always came to me, never the other way around. Her bed had noisy springs and was too close to Natalie.
My bed was built into the wall and had wooden slats under the mattress so it made no noise. Claire was very good at staying quiet but for me it was a problem and she'd taken to stuffing a pillow in my mouth when we played. I kind of liked that. What I didn't like was that I still had a really obvious, badly bruised, bite mark on my shoulder that meant I needed to be extra careful in the communal showers. We didn't want to get caught. It still hurt when I touched it and my pack straps against it when we marched were agony. It'd been an accident though. She didn't mean to hurt me and she'd said sorry. Of course I forgave her, she was a beautiful blond goddess and I worshiped her.
On the second night of rest I was woken up sometime late in the night. The moon was not as bright as it had been two nights ago but I could see Claire sitting on my dresser with her feet on her side. She'd thrown a rolled up sock at me to get my attention and I brought it back as she beckoned me over. I was nervous. She was a lot more experienced than me and she'd taken charge, which was great because when it came to sex I was pretty clueless. Most of what we'd done was wonderful but I didn't like everything she did to me. She'd hurt me a couple of times already, that's why I had a little fear.
She took hold of my face and kissed me. As always I melted. Her kisses owned me. It went on for a while and then she pulled back and smiled. She patted me on my check and then started to make hand signs at me. She would point at me, then my ear then back down the room. What did she mean? Frustrated she grabbed me by the earlobe and pulled my head around. That really fucking hurt and I was pissed off but she was gesturing pointedly in Natalie's direction. And finally my slow sleep deprived brain caught on. Listen. At first I didn't hear anything... Then the bed springs creaked... again... a bit of gasped breath... The bed springs again. I almost burst out laughing. Nat was masturbating! When Claire saw I'd finally got the message she winked at me in the dark and pointed back at my bed. I could tell she was up to no good. She had that look.
I climbed back into my bed and she vanished from my dresser top. She must be slipping back into bed as well. She was so fucking stealthy, it was amazing. Then she did something completely un-stealthy. Oh god how I wanted to laugh.
