My Pretentious Roommate

Chapter 1

I roll over in bed and the incessant beeping sound that has woven its way into my dream wakes me up. "Shit", I realize. The beeping was just my alarm. I turn it off quickly and groan, glancing over at my roommate, Peter, who is fully dressed and glaring at me over top of his bowl of cereal.

"Sorry, man," I mumble. He rolls his eyes and keeps eating.

"It's been going off for ten minutes. You're going to be late for class." He says as he walks out the door, tossing his backpack over his shoulder.

I groan again, throwing my comforter over my head. Fucking 8 am Constitutional Law. I swear on my life that this semester is going to be the death of me.

I finally stumble out of bed and open my dresser drawer to find a single balled-up t-shirt. Guess it's time for me to do laundry- another bane of my existence. I throw on the shirt and grab a pair of gym shorts from the floor. This'll have to do.

---

"It's not that I dislike Constitutional Law," I think to myself as I walk through campus, the cool air starting to wake me up and the cherry blossoms just starting to bloom. "It's that it's at the ass crack of dawn and my godforsaken roommate sits behind me and can never shut the fuck up".

I push open the doors to Gerald Hall and beeline for the small market on the first floor. I offer a slight wave to the cashier, Trisha, who works here every morning.

"You're almost on time today, Conner." She says with a smile, handing me my extra-large cup of black coffee. I look up at the clock, 8:05. I just shrug and hand her my student ID.

"Have a good day," I say as I walk out the door and down the hallway to class.

When I open the door, everyone turns to look at me. Professor Ingram glances at me over his wire-rimmed glasses, "Glad you could join us". I nod my head slightly and slide into my seat in the second row, closest to the door.

"Wasn't sure you were going to make it," Peter mumbles from the seat behind me. I don't even bother turning around.

Today we are discussing obscenity and offensive speech. I'm scribbling down some notes about the different tests used by the different courts, but mostly just listening to what Professor Ingram is saying.

Peter, of course, read the entire chapter last night and has seemingly compiled a list of questions to prepare for today's lecture. He raises his hand, "Sir could you further explain Douglas' dissenting opinion in this case? If he doesn't believe that justices were supposed to define obscenity, what does he think about all the previous cases the court decided?"

I roll my eyes. I couldn't care less about the philosophical conversation that was about to take place.

-----

That afternoon, after my two morning classes, I'm walking through campus when my buddy Mike comes up behind me and puts his arm around me. I rip one of my AirPods out, "Dude you scared the shit out of me".

He grins. "Maybe you shouldn't be walking around with headphones in. You gotta stay woke in these streets." I laugh and shove my headphones in my pocket.

"These streets?" I ask. "You mean the streets of Bumfuck, Oregon? The scariest thing around here is them," I say as I point to the flock of sorority girls standing on the corner, throwing pies in each other's faces for some unknown reason.

Mike laughs his usual deep belly laugh. "You make it to class this morning?"

"Yeah. You should've seen Peter's face when I walked into class five minutes late." I replied.

"Man that guy has the biggest stick up his ass I've ever seen," Mike says, clapping his hands together for dramatic effect. He stops in his tracks and looks at me with his mouth open.

"What?" I ask.

"What if he's homophobic?! That's gotta be what it is!" He declares.

I laugh and shove him on the shoulder, "Nah man I don't think it's like that. I think he's just a dick."

"Yeah probably," Mike replies. "Yo are you coming to the party tonight?" He asks.

Mike rushed a frat his freshman year and he tries to drag me to every single one of their parties. Even though absolutely all of the guys are straight and not all that much fun to be around.

"I don't know man, I've got this paper due and I should really get to the gym tonight," I respond as we sit down at our regular table outside of the dining hall.

"No. That's canceled. You're coming, you haven't come to a party in months. I'll even come over and pregame with you." He says definitively.

I groan and put my head in my hands before looking back at him. He's not taking no for an answer. "Fine," I huff, "but I swear if a girl tries to grind on me I'm getting the fuck out of there".

Mike grins and slaps me on the back. "I'll be at your place at 8:30!"

------

I walk into my dorm room later that day and throw my backpack on the floor on top of all my dirty laundry. "I guess it's time I clean this shit up," I think to myself. I start digging through my closet for the laundry bin and hear the shower running, Peter must be here.

I'm shoving my clothes into the bin when I hear the water stop and the bathroom door open. Peter steps out, naked, drying his hair with his towel. My heart stopped beating and I swear my jaw hit the floor. I'd never seen him not in well-pressed khakis and obnoxious cardigan sweaters before. His tall, thin frame isn't nearly as, well, scrawny, as I expected. He's well toned- maybe even has abs. But I couldn't tell because all I could focus on was his dick. Flaccid, but still at least four inches, without a hair to be seen. All I can think about is popping the beautiful head of his cock in my-

"JESUS CHRIST" Peter screams, shaking me from my fantasy. I quickly look down and keep digging around in my laundry, as he wraps his pelvis with his towel. "I didn't realize you were back," he says, bewildered.

"Sorry" I mutter, brushing past him to get out of the room as quickly as I possibly could. I get to the laundry room and throw my clothes into the washer and just stand there, staring at the wall, thinking about what just happened.

My annoying ass, pretentious roommate is hot. And his dick looks downright edible.