Nife's Edge

---- ---- ---- 1.

"Joel, why am I waiting ten minutes for this fucking raddicho salad?" I approached the pass, having just been told by Amy that it would take 10 minutes to redo a dish that should take 30 seconds to plate.

"If we push that forward everything else will have a wait." He grunted.

"That's my call." I glared at him. "I can mitigate a wait on food, I can control the room, but I have a huge fuck up on my hands and I can only fix that with your damn salad!"

"Heard." He glared at me. "Ramon, baby, you heard chef."

"Aye papi." Ramon laughed. "Coming up, jefe." He waved at me. I glanced at Joel, who had gone back to tweezing herbs, and made myself scarce since chefs always work better when you're not standing over their shoulder.

Actually, this was kind of ok. Sort of back to where it was. Which was the whole point of moving back in with AJ. Moving back. Because we were happy once. He was kind. Before I finished Uni and started getting everything wrong we never really had problems. The criticism only started when his job got more difficult. His job did, and my job did- and maybe that broke the balance. I remembered how he used to be. How close he would hold me. The lovely things he would whisper to me through the night. I knew he was still that guy. Or he could be? If I could just figure it out- what had set him off. Fix it.

And distance between Joel and I would help. That was part of the fix.

---- --- ---

I ended up going to Mum and Dad's after work- all my stuff was still there, AJ would be working or asleep, and I couldn't quite face the look on Mum's face when I told her I was going to give him another chance. He and I had already agreed on a slow transition back- I mean- we never really talked about me texting that guy and the whole reason we broke up. Whenever I tried he was too exhausted, and his mouth would get thin, so I'd change the subject.

AJ wanted to do things properly. Start therapy. Make sure we both felt safe at home. And then go ring shopping.

It didn't feel quite as warm as I'd expected. I'd been looking forward to his proposal since we met when I was all starry eyed and taken with the cool older guy who'd somehow seen something in me. But I guess life had just given me some priorities beyond marriage and a hot guy. I guess I wanted to see where my career would go... even open my own place maybe one day... release an album with Technicolor Pachyderms- oh shoot, assuming that was ok now I wasn't like... with Joel...

And, it was so stupid and shallow that I drowned it out, even in my imaginary conversations, but the fact that he wouldn't touch me really hurt. Even two weeks of being with Joel was enough to realise that at least someone out there who thought I was hot. Like truly hot. There was at least one guy who got hard whenever he saw me naked. AJ didn't. He barely looked at me.

I screwed my eyes tight and rubbed my face. Maybe I just hadn't given him the chance?

At the time I thought I was being kind of unfair to AJ for even hesitating for half a second. Part of me was chastising myself for not leaping into his arms wholeheartedly straight away, with no reservations....

--- --- ---

Two steps forward. Three steps back. I wasn't going anywhere. I was floundering near this door in my head. Two rooms. One I knew really well. One I didn't know at all. And I was really close to the threshold. The door was ajar. And I hated that door. I hated that I'd ever seen it. I hated that I didn't know whether I wanted it open or shut.

I'll spare you suffering through me all but begging AJ to let me blow him, since he was too tired to do anything else, because it's too pathetic. I spat at him that it had been 7 months since he'd fucked me. He asked me coolly if I wanted to make it 8 or if I could respect his boundaries and not push his consent.

I was sad. Kurt noticed. I couldn't bear telling him I was back with AJ. I knew how he felt about that. He'd be almost as mad as Mum would be.

Joel was on the late shift and grabbed me on his break.

"Need to talk." He grunted, offering me a dart. Pretty dumb, but my heart did start to beat faster. We walked outside in silence. I could feel the restlessness in my body. Maybe I didn't want that polished life with AJ so much.

"I... wish I had better news but uh... look, bro. Uh, you gave me chlamydia."

Not... Not quite what I'd been hoping for.

"What? No I didn't!" I recoiled in shock. "What the hell! I don't have chlamydia!"

"I mean, I would double check that if I were you." Joel muttered.

"But-"

"I get tested regularly." Joel ran his fingers through his hair. "I didn't have it last time, and I haven't fucked anyone else. So you tell me how I got it?"

"But..." I shook my head. "I don't have it! I've... I mean I've only slept with you and AJ and..."

"Yeah." Joel folded his arms. "Guessing that's where you got it from, dude."

"Oh." I winced. "Look- are you sure you couldn't have..."

"Just get tested." He sighed. "Because if you do have it, which you do, better to get on antibiotics sooner rather than later. And I'll leave you to deal with AJ."

"He'll kill me." I said flatly.

"Doesn't seem very fair, since I'm pretty sure he gave it to you." Joel gave me a half smile.

"You're sure you didn't...."

"Believe me, avoiding this conversation would be great." Joel sighed. "I'm sorry, but you're the only person I've slept with recently." He reached over and squeezed my shoulder. "Just get tested. Maybe you don't have it. Maybe it's like a Virgin Mary thing, like it just randomly happened to me..."

"Likely." I smiled at him. "Fuck." I sighed. "Maybe." I bit my lip. "Does uh... it hurt?"

"The test?"

"No! Chlamydia. I actually... don't know much about it."

"Had no idea I had it until I tested positive." Joel yawned. "Treatment is easy breezy. You'll be ok."

"So AJ wouldn't know either?"

"Maybe, maybe not." Joel winced. "Hey, having passed on the bad news, and telling you to get tested... I uh... feel like I've played my part. Can I X out of this conversation?"

"Yeah." I sighed. "Thanks, man."

"Let me know how it goes." Joel smiled at me.

"Will do."

---- ---- ----

"Hey sweetheart." AJ grinned as he entered the living room and saw me sitting alone, nursing a wine.

"Hey." I sighed and motioned for him to join me.

"What's up?" He leant in to kiss me and I ducked my head. He raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat. I poured him some wine, avoiding his eye.

"I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon." I said slowly.

"Oh. You alright?" AJ frowned.

"Yeah, fine." I sighed. "Routine check up." I looked at him glumly. "Tested positive for chlamydia."

"Oh, darling." AJ reached for my knee and squeezed gently.

"Don't oh darling me!" I glared at him. "Why do I have chlamydia?"

"Oh, Rubey..." AJ bit his lips. "Hey- I don't want to know what you did while we were on a break..."

"We weren't on a break! You broke up with me!" I sighed. "I caught it from you. And I figure you caught it from someone, right?"

"Hey." AJ said firmly. "No need for bullshit. You're seriously telling me you were celibate? I highly doubt that, Rubey." I hung my head. Well. I couldn't really argue with that.

"I wasn't." I mumbled as I folded my arms. "But he caught it from me..."

"You believed that?" AJ frowned. "Uh... sweetie.... You definitely caught it from him."

"He didn't lie to me."

"And I did?" AJ sipped his wine. "You think some random guy you hooked up with when we were on a break is more trustworthy than the guy who's loved you for your entire adult life?"

"That's not..."

"I understand you're upset." AJ took my hand. "And I know you're probably feeling guilty, but don't lash out at me! How are you? They got you on antibiotics?"

"Yeah... Ugh. AJ!" I squeezed his hand. "AJ seriously. Was it just once? Was it just sex? Are you looking for someone else? Someone you know... more your type or?"

"More my type?!"'AJ rolled his eyes. "What's more my type?"

"I dunno!" I ran my fingers through my hair. "Honestly? You seemed to stop being interested in me the second I could grow a proper beard."

"Ohhh-Kay." AJ plucked the wine from my hand. "You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk, I'm angry!" I hung my head. "I'm so fucking tired."

"Yeah. Me too." AJ sighed heavily. He took my hands. "Look, darling. What on earth can I do to make this ok?"

"Stop lying to me?" I heard myself whine.

"Why do you think I'm lying to you?"

"AJ!" It was so ridiculous I almost started to laugh. "Dude, where did this STD magically come from? I know it wasn't Joel, ok? He wouldn't give two shits if he gave it to me."

"Joel? From work?" AJ frowned.

"Uh... guess so..." I winced. "I was sad, he was there.."

"Mmmm."

"Oh fuck off." I sighed.

"I get it." AJ's lips twitched. "Look, I'm not surprised some guy made a move on you the second he thought you were single. And I'm not mad about it- well. You know. Not MAD mad. But I'm kind of upset you've jumped to me cheating on you over some chef at work accidentally giving you chlamydia."

"That's... fair." I swallowed.

"And we gotta talk about this jealousy thing." AJ looked at me seriously. "I'm not saying I'm perfect, Rubey. And I want to book in with that therapist. But you have to trust me on this ok? I love you. I want you. Just you. Are you able to believe that or...?"

"I dunno." I sighed. "You've thrown up some pretty big red flags, AJ..." AJ groaned.

"Rubey, sweetheart, can you please fucking grow up?" He whined. "You're always doing this... woe is me bit. You make it out like I'm some fucking monster! What red flags?!"

"Well... I mean... you're into younger guys aren't you?" I could feel myself going pale.

"No one's denying that." AJ guffawed. "Dude you ARE a younger guy!"

"No, but like..."

"Are we just accusing each other of having preferences?! Ok, you like tall guys right?"

"That's not..."

"Are you actually accusing me of something sinister here?" AJ raised his eyebrows. "Or are you mad because you want to let your stubble grow out? Because you can let your fucking beard grow if it's that fucking important to you. You don't need to come at me with wild accusations."

"Ok, I didn't..."

"I am so BORED of this."

"Wha..."

"Look, darling." He stood up. "I want you back. I want you back even after you've been whoring your way through your staff..."

"Woah, I..."

"You have no proof I cheated on you, I can tell you think I did, but I didn't. Which is more than YOU can say. I have been cold, I have been distant, I know you need sex more than I've given it to you, and I'm the first to admit I'm not the most flexible guy in the world. I want to work through it with you. I want to marry you. But only if we're moving forward. If you're going to be sad and mopey and miserable then I want out. So... I don't know Rueben. Marry me, or get the fuck out."

"I marry you or..."

"Get the fuck out." AJ's eyes flashed.

"AJ." I mumbled, stumbling to my feet. "Don't give me an ultimatum." I reached for my bag. If he wanted me to get the fuck out, who was I to argue?

"Wait..."

"Wait what?" I glanced at him. "You told me what the choices are."

"Rubey, stay." AJ clasped my arm. He sighed and closed his eyes. His fingers dug into me. "You know I didn't literally mean marry me right this second or leave right this second. I meant: are you all in with working on us, or what? And the fact that you're acting like I've given you some big ultimatum when all I'm doing is making sure we're on the same page is..." He glared at me. "Getting really old. You always play these fucking games with me, don't you?" He groaned and pulled us both back onto the couch. I let him. "Maybe it is an age thing." He muttered.

"I... I'm not playing games..." I stuttered.

"Darling. You always do." He raised his eyebrows at me. "You act like I'm abusing you."

"Oh... AJ..."

"Look." He sighed deeply. "I really want to draw a line in this ok? What do you need, Rubey? Do you feel like you missed out? Do you need to sleep with other guys for a bit? I think you should take some time off work, maybe even get a lower stress job, would that help? And what can I do? How did I lose your trust? How do I get it back? Truly."

"Oh..." I stared at him. My head hurt. I was on the verge of tears. "Maybe you're right about work." I mumbled. "I think... when you put it like that... I think I'm going crazy. I'm sorry. I..."

"Shhhh." AJ cradled me. "Hey. Nothing to apologise for." He kissed my head and I sank into him. "Take holiday pay for a couple of weeks and we'll work on us."

I didn't agree or disagree to that. I let him hold me.

----- ----

I told Mum I was thinking of moving back in with AJ the next evening after work. I should have just lied and said I found a new place.

"I made a huge mistake by not putting my foot down last time." She said, sitting me down at the kitchen table and slamming a cup of coffee down in front of me. "He's not a good man, Rueben."

"You don't know him."

"Because he won't come round for dinner! She pursed her lips. "I read about this. These people. They try to get you away you from your friends and your family so you don't have anyone to turn to when things start to go wrong."

"What do you mean by start to go wrong?" I sighed. "We---"

"Is he hitting you?" She cut me off.

"No!" Mum inspected me, looking for any signs. I scoffed and folded my arms angrily. Her eyes zeroed in on something.

"What's that?" She pointed at my collarbone, where my t-shirt was hanging loose. I cringed.

"That's an old hickey." I blushed. "And it was an accident." And nothing to do with AJ, not that she needed to know it. I'd been SO MAD when Joel did that, in case AJ saw it and rained hellfire.... only for it to slowly fade, turning red, then purple, then faintly yellow, almost invisible, and he hadn't even shown interest in talking my shirt off.

"Accident." My mum scoffed. "I bet he has accidents all the time, doesn't he?"

"What's that supposed to mean? He doesn't have 'accidents'."

I don't know what my tell is, but I do know everyone always seems to see right through me almost any time I try to lie. For some reason I could do it while I was working, but as soon as that apron came off, game over. It feels pretty cursed to not get away with things the way everyone else on earth seems to manage. Mum's face fell, like I'd just confirmed something. I swallowed.

I mean, there were accidents weren't there? My phone, which I'd finally fixed. That wasn't the first thing that had ever broken. A year or so ago AJ had accidentally spilled whiskey all over my laptop when we were arguing because I hadn't asked him about a friend's birthday party and he didn't know where I was. Before that he'd accidentally put his foot through my Xbox because the outfit I'd worn to a pride parade was too slutty.

And then there were the little accidents like when he spilled hot tea on me and it blistered. Or he asked me to pick up the cast iron pan and didn't tell me it had been sitting on an open flame. The way his fingers would sometimes leave little marks where he gripped me when we were having hard conversations. That one time he'd accidentally tripped me at the top of the stairs.

There were accidents all the time.

"Accidents happen." I mumbled.

"Stay here tonight." Mum reached for my hand.

AJ wasn't happy about me staying at home, but he heard me when I told him over the phone I was exhausted, and closer to work, and that I'd finish around 5 tomorrow and cook him dinner. He was so soft and lovely and it was easy to tell myself all those accidents Mum had got me thinking about were just imaginary. I know I overthink things. I can't seem to help myself. Maybe that was the only real problem.

--- --- ---

Kurt caught and cornered me at the turnover of our shifts, demanding to know what was going on since apparently I'd been acting like a ghost for days.

I told him I was back with AJ, and Kurt's mouth went all twisty and stiff. I told him we were getting married.

"Right." He snorted. "Where's your ring?"

"We were going to buy them together."

"He knows he's losing you and he's making the last ditch effort to keep you dependent."

"He's not a monster." I sighed. Joel walked past and nodded at us, lighting a dart.

"Who's not a monster?" Joel asked. Great.

"His fiancé." Kurt rolled his eyes. Oh fuck. I looked at Joel. He actually took the tiniest step back, like he was steadying himself.

"You're... engaged?" He asked.

"Well..."

"Only in theory." Kurt said, stretching out as he checked the time. "AJ just proposed to keep our boy hanging around like a kicked puppy. Better clock in- see you in there!"

Joel took a deep breath and sank beside me. He shook his head and he reached for me, taking my hand. I should have pulled away.

"Rubes." He said, kind of firmly.

"What?"

"Uh...." Joel's lips twitched. "Uh, you know how I said I'd stop thinking about you naked?"

"Joel..."

"I lied." He bit his lip and cocked his head at me. Fuck. Why do people FALL for that? I mean, I guess I was, so...

"Look, dude... Things are ok." I nudged Joel's leg. "So you can stop that."

"Do I have to?" Joel grinned.

"Yes!"

"Because I'm practically irresistible and you're this close to falling for it?"

"Joel!"

"Come onnnnn.... Just dump the cunt." Joel gazed at me with a soft smile on his face. I felt a lump in my throat.

"He did ask me to marry him."

"No shit." Joel rolled his eyes. "He's a smart guy and you're great husband material, I've told you that. Do you want to marry him?" I closed my eyes. I could hear Joel sitting up beside me, moving closer.

"I don't know if I can leave him." I whispered. "Not after everything we've been through." I felt Joel's arm over my shoulders. He squeezed me tight and gently rested his head next to mine

"Rubes... I think... I think you should talk to someone." He mumbled. "Someone who's not me, and not him."

"Like, therapy?" I blinked. "I mean, yeah. AJ and I were gonna try it together..."

"I mean, that's fine... but I really think you should do it alone." He looked up into my eyes. "I'm not sure if I'm just jealous, and like- seeing the worst in him- but fuck me man, I think I hate the guy. I don't know how you can stand him- but maybe someone more objective can help you better." He sat up and gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I melted whenever he did that. "Like, don't listen to me, I absolutely have a dog in this fight but..."

We both glanced up as we heard footsteps. Joel quickly removed his hands from me and I felt the colour drain from my face as I watched AJ storm towards us.

"Shit." Joel mumbled. "Hey." He stood up and waved to AJ.

"Don't bother." AJ rolled his eyes as he reached us. He grabbed my arm and pulled me, stumbling, to my feet. "Thought I'd surprise you with picking you up." He smiled thinly at me. "Should have warned you."

"Hey, dude, we were just talking." Joel held up his hands in surrender.

"Sure. Talking." AJ barely glanced at Joel as he started striding away. His grip on my arm was vice like and I tripped after him.

"Woah, wait, hold up man." Joel skipped in front of AJ. "Dude, we really were just having a chat ok?"

"Sure." AJ sighed.

"So you... you're not going to like..." Joel had blocked our path and was glancing awkwardly between AJ and I.

"What?" AJ's lips thinned.

"You believe me, right?" Joel asked quietly.

"Not really." AJ folded his arms.

"Uh..." Joel bit his lip. "Well. I'm telling the truth."

"Ok." AJ stepped forward and Joel blocked our path again.

"You're hurting Ruben." He mumbled. AJ looked at me, where his nails were digging in.

"Ruben can speak for himself."

"Let him go."