Josh's Journal

Chelsea texted me this morning. She said she thinks she's pregnant. I think she's making it up. I texted her back that she should go get a test but she said she doesn't need one, that she knows her body. I broke up with her. This time we're staying broken up. If she is pregnant, there's no way it's mine.

I went to Kitty today with my Ayden problem. She was no help at all.

"I want to stop thinking this way," I told her.

"You can't help who you're sexually attracted to. It's just like how when you smell food, your stomach growls."

"I'm not attracted to guys though."

"Well, sexual identity is something that takes a while to develop. It's not impossible that you may be attracted to guys. There's nothing wrong with that, Josh, but really you need to be careful..."

"I kissed him," I blurted out. I hadn't intended to tell her about that, but it was driving me crazy. I kept thinking about that kiss, wanting to do more. I was afraid it was more than curiosity, more than just a phase. I couldn't think of anything but his soft lips, that mint taste and warm feeling.

Kitty seemed surprised by this confession. "Josh, if you care about him in any context, you have to be serious. Ayden has an awfully stressful life. You have the potential to make things way harder for him." Ha, harder...she had no idea.

"I'm just...maybe I'm just curious." At this point, I knew I was lying to her and to myself, but it's hard to let go of those lies.

"He's not someone you should use to explore your curiosity with," Kitty said, looking so serious I was a little afraid. "He needs the type of person I know you aren't ready to be."

I was a little hurt that she said that, but mostly because it's true. I'd caught glimpses of his horrible mother, his group of much younger siblings.

I'm going to try to put my horniness aside and help him out.

:::::::::::::::::::

I wasn't sure at first how I planned to help Ayden out, but I guess someone upstairs knew I was looking to earn some good will. My chance came today at the grocery store. I was there to pick up something for dinner, but I was in no rush so I went up to him.

"Hey," I said.

He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten all weekend. He didn't say anything to me.

"Look...about what I did..."

He turned and gave me an almost scary look. "I don't care. I don't want to hear it. You think you're the first jock to want to fool around with me? Because you aren't. I'm tired of all of you thinking I'm easy or something because I'm gay. So why don't you go break up or make up with your cheerleader, whichever step you're on. I don't need your bullshit."

He turned and walked off, but I went after him. "I just wanted to apologize."

"I don't buy it," he said, but his tone was less angry.

"Can we talk?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I don't have any time..."

He seemed so exhausted, almost like he was ready to fall over. I really wanted to talk to him, but I could tell he wasn't in the mood. Instead, I slipped a twenty into the pocket of his hoodie. I didn't do it because I felt bad for his crappy family situation. I did it because I hope when he finds it he'll be happy.

I want to help him. I don't like how he looks so tired.

I'm starting to feel better. Maybe I'm not sexually attracted to Ayden after all. I probably just sensed that he needed comfort.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Chelsea and I had to go see a man about getting the dance catered. She was all over me the whole time. She kept wanting to fool around and I kept telling her we weren't together. She kept trying though and eventually her hand was moving up and down my cock. It hurt a little because she didn't use any lube or anything so I guess that's why it felt good when she wrapped her mouth around the head and started to suck. I didn't cum though, and she got bored. It still felt alright so I gave her a smile as I zipped up. I couldn't see her face at all so I don't know what's going on with her. I just hope I made it clear enough that she and I aren't back together. I'm sure I did.

:::::::::::::::::::::

Rumors can take a lot out of a person. I showed up to school entirely too groggy to deal with the confrontation of several people, berating me for breaking up with my pregnant girlfriend. I wanted to tell them to just shut up, but they will when Chelsea doesn't have a baby in nine months.

It was hard to focus with all the dirty looks, so I think I may have bombed the test this morning in physics.

I really needed Kitty's help, but before I could find her Cameron came up to talk to me. I was glad that he had no comment on the Chelsea situation. Instead, he told me to check out the handicap stall. He was laughing and his face was red. I wondered what it was that had him going.

The handicap stall in the boys' restroom in the main building is pretty much our news station. At the beginning of every year there's a new coat of paint for us to etch our lives on to.

I went in to the bathroom and there was a line of guys looking at the news. They seemed really worked up about something and I thought it would be worth skipping my blow off class. After all, this seemed more important than typing and every round of laughter and whooping confirmed that.

I finally got to the wall and squinted at the message in the scrapings.

It said, "Ayden will suck your dick for $20."

A lot of thoughts ran through my mind at that point. I wondered if Ayden had written that himself. If he was really that desperate. I wondered if it was someone's idea of a joke. And finally, the thought that's still with me, I wonder if anyone has done it.

Its making me feel weirdly jealous. I don't know why. If Ayden's giving out blow jobs, that shouldn't bother me too much, right?

But it does and I don't know why.

I guess it's because I don't like seeing someone I've started to care about doing something like this.

Maybe I just don't like the idea of people taking advantage of Ayden's situation.

But really, I don't like the idea of Ayden and some other guy's cock. But that shouldn't bother me. I've already figured out that I'm not attracted to him, I just feel sorry for him. So I guess the real reason I feel betrayed by this is that Ayden is doing it because his family is desperate for money and he's done this without giving me a chance to figure out how to help him.

I guess the easiest way to get him some help would be to report to family services, but I don't want to do that. I saw the way Ayden was with his little sisters. He would be devastated if he were separated from them. Since he's 18 the state wouldn't do anything to help him.

For a moment, I let my mind wander. I thought about calling. It would be best for his sisters, that's true no matter what. With them gone, he'd need someone. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, that's how I'm supposed to help him.

::::::::::::::::::

I ran into Ayden in the library. I wanted to ask him if what was on the bathroom wall is true, but I couldn't. A bunch of guys were already around him and the librarian was ignoring them. I got close enough to hear that they were taunting him. "I have a twenty, faggot." "If I let you suck my dick, you'd have to pay me." "Why don't you get on your knees and earn your money now?"

I went over and broke the group up. "Guys, leave him alone," I said.

"Oh, look at that. Josh wants a turn." "Bet he likes being able to fuck this emo bitch and not worry about getting him pregnant." "Bet it helps that the cocksucker looks like a chick already."

They ended up leaving after a while. Ayden was staring at the table, picking at the corner of his fingernail.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

He just nodded. I turned and was going to walk away.

"Josh?"

I turned back to him.

"Thanks..."

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his thigh under the table. I meant it to be comforting, but he took it the wrong way I guess. He scooted away from me and I had to clarify. "If you need help, go to Kitty. She can probably figure out a way to do more for you if you need it."

Ayden stood and grabbed his messenger bag. "Bye, Josh," he said.

I grabbed his sleeve. I didn't want him to run off without listening to me. He hadn't denied that he was selling favors and I was starting to think it was true. His face was close to mine. I really wanted to kiss him again, but I didn't.

I think I should stop kidding myself.

::::::::::::::::::::::

I'm not denying it anymore. I'm attracted to Ayden. I care about him. I want to kiss him and more.

I called Kitty and she came over. I told her my realization and she didn't smirk too much about being right. I guess because at this point I was a mess. "I don't want him to be with anyone else," I confessed. "I want him for myself, Kitty. I really want him. I hate that he's hurting. I want to fix it but I don't think he wants my help. I need you to help me, please."

Kitty nodded. "One of the bigger food pantries that keeps us stocked has a weekly program for food and free clothes and diapers. I'll try to get them on it. That's about all I can do."

"Could I deliver it?" I asked. I really wanted Ayden to see me as someone who could help him.

That got me to thinking. I've been so busy trying to figure out how I feel about him, but now I wonder if Ayden even thinks of me that way. Probably not. I'm probably too preppy for him to even think of me that way. I told this to Kitty.

She smiled. "Josh, if he likes you, how you dress doesn't matter."

"Yeah, but how do I know if he likes me?" I groaned. I flopped backward onto my bed and covered my face with a pillow. "What if he doesn't like me?"

She was trying not to laugh and failing. "Josh, don't worry about it. You're sweet and funny and caring. He'll like you."

I hope she's right. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. Now I can't stop. What if he's not attracted to me?

::::::::::::::::::::::

Kitty got Ayden's family on the program right away and she said Ayden seemed glad when she told him the news. She also tried to earn me some brownie points by telling him it had been my idea.

I'm glad she's so supportive and trying to get me on his good side, but I hope Ayden doesn't think I pity him. If anything, I look up to him. He's way stronger than me to be able to deal with that shit.

I started daydreaming earlier, which is a weird feeling. I must really have it bad for him...anyway...

I was daydreaming about taking Ayden just far away. At first it was a meadow, but that was too Twilight. Then I just thought about bringing him here to my room. Of course I thought about throwing his heels behind his ears and pounding into his ass while he screamed out my name but after I got off it wasn't so much about that anymore. I remembered what he looked like asleep when we'd been roommates and then how tired he looked now. So I fantasized about letting him take a nap after rocking his world.

I'm probably weird now, but that's alright.

::::::::::::::::::::

The dance is coming up and I had to stay and put together decorations. Chelsea pulled me to the side and managed to get everyone's attention doing something that should have been discreet.

"I want us to be together...for our baby," she declared, putting her hands over her flat stomach.

"Chelsea, I don't want to be with you. If you really are pregnant, show me the positive test and I'll help you out, but we're not getting back together."

She flung herself at me, pressing her tits to my chest and making sex eyes at me. "I love you and I want us to be a real family. Please, let's just get out of here. We can get the spark back."

I backed away and slapped my hand over my face. She had seriously just talked about a spark. "Chelsea, we were never in love. We were nothing more than decent sex. I don't love you. I don't believe you love me."

"But I do," she said. She was sobbing now and of course I felt bad.

"We're not getting back together," I said as I walked away.

I ran into Cameron in the hallway. "Hey, man! So you know that thing in the handicap stall? That shit's true!"

"What? About Ayden?"

"Yeah! Man, we got Coach Sandy to test it out and it worked! That little queer bitch will suck a dick for twenty bucks. And he said that its almost better than a girl because the emo doesn't complain about it."

I felt my stomach turn. "That's not cool, man. Ayden has a crappy situation and I don't think it's right for anyone to take advantage of that."

Cameron scoffed. "Who cares? What is that fat bitch you hang out with starting a save the whores campaign?"

I punched Cameron. He deserved it.

The good news is, I'm not vice president anymore so I can stop gluing together stupid decorations.

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Mom freaked when she heard that I'd been in a fight. It wasn't really much of a fight though. Cameron is all talk. He walked away with a split lip, broken nose, and two black eyes. I feel fine. My lip bled a little bit, but that's it.

She asked me if this was me acting out because dad left. Any time I do anything remotely bad, she thinks I'm acting out. The truth is, I don't care. I don't remember my dad all that well, but from what I do remember I know he was a jerk and I'm a lot better off without him. And besides, I'm eighteen. Aren't I too old to be 'acting out'? But, what do I know?

At least she didn't try to ground me or anything.

:::::::::::::::::::

We lost the football game. Next week might be better. We're going up against another 0-2 team. It should be a fair match.

::::::::::::::::::

Kitty convinced me to go to the dance with her. I forgot completely that her boyfriend was still in basic training for the Marines. I really should be a better friend.

Anyway, I don't think she really needed me there. Kitty looked great and the band members kept her entertained with dancing and conversation. I ended up being the one sitting in a chair by the wall.

A few guys were laughing and joking around. I heard Ayden's name. I leaned in closer, trying to hear what they were saying. I heard that he was in the handicap stall giving out favors for twenty bucks.

I ran to the bathroom, my stomach doing flip flops. I couldn't believe it. I had to stop it. I had to let him know that I care.

Two or three guys were waiting around and I could see under the stall, one person standing and one person in tight black jeans on his knees.

"Out!" I shouted, grabbing one guy by his shirt and throwing him out. I shoved the others out into the hall too. I jerked the handicap stall door open as some poor girl's date zipped himself up and shoved past me without showing his face.

Ayden sat against the wall, crying into his hands. I knelt in front of him and tried to hold him. At first he moved away from my touch, but then he crashed forward, getting tears on my shirt.

I heard the bathroom door swing open and leapt up, shoving the freshman boy out the door and locking it.

I returned to Ayden and he was spitting into the toilet. I offered him a piece of bubble gum and he accepted it. His hair was over his eyes, so all I saw was tears falling down onto his hands.

"Don't do this anymore," I pleaded.

"You...you don't understand...I have to. My sisters need my help..."

"There are other ways." I wrapped my arms around him again, holding him close.

There was a pounding on the door and I heard the sound of keys. "You never have to do this again," I told him. After that, he wanted to go home.

I meant what I said. Its a promise. I just don't know how to keep it yet.