I trust you know that this is not the sort of thing you should do, if you find a naked man in the forest.
That being said:
Naked Woodland Creatures
~The boy~
It's amazing, how things can spiral towards disaster.
One moment, you feel that you have everything under control, and that the world is a familiar, a simple, a kind place.
The next moment, you find yourself naked in the forest, locked out of your only place of shelter, with no keys, no phone, nobody around for miles.
That was Tom's situation, anyhow, that fine afternoon by the lake.
It was the very first time he had decided to spend time alone in his family's cabin in the woods. It was a place he had been to for almost every summer since his early childhood.
And now, you know, he was technically a man. Big and hairy, as they say. He knew how to cut wood, how to cook fish and mushrooms over a fire, he even knew what you were supposed to do when you ran into an owlbear.
It had felt like an amazing idea. A vacation just by himself, living like a hermit, his own man. Nature man. Needing nobody, not having to care about anybody else. Just him, and the forest.
Well, it really was just him and the forest now.
Tom cursed and stomped his feet like a toddler throwing a tantrum. He stepped on a pinecone, which didn't improve the sensory experience.
He stared stupidly at the closed door of the little wooden hut.
He hadn't quite finished analyzing the situation, but his subconscious mind already sensed that he was probably well and truly fcked.
Let's see.
He had gone swimming. Naked. Which was amazeballs. One of the great perks of being alone, without parents and siblings or cousins around.
He had left the keys inside the cabin. Not an issue by itself, or it wouldn't have been in any other summer. Except his dad had grown increasingly paranoid, recently, and changed the locks so they closed automatically, just like a city apartment.
Tom let his eyes wander to the windows. The same infernal logic that had made his father worry about unspecified "foreigners" marauding through the wilderness, had made him put iron bars in front of everything breakable.
Hooooly shit.
He had rolled his eyes at that when he had arrived the other day, but now the sheer absurdity hit him like a fcking anvil.
Hooooooooly shit.
Tom looked around. He had no car.
See, he didn't need a car. How would that have been an obstacle, for his nice little vacation? He had nice, strong legs, and if you walked for twenty minutes, you got to a bus stop, for the national park, and the bus came at least twice a day. For emergencies, if you really needed someone to come and get you, you could always call someone. On your nice phone, charged by the solar panels.
Except, haha, guess where Tom's phone was, right now.
He was dimly aware that even if he'd had a car, the keys would probably be in the cabin anyway, along with the rest of his stuff.
All the rest of his stuff.
Well, he could always walk into the nearest settlement, butt-naked. Maybe fashion some improvised clothes out of blueberry bushes, or an unlucky squirrel.
Tom laughed out loud, incredulous.
There. Something rising up from the fog of his growing panic.
Spare keys. Obviously, there were spare keys.
Once, they had been hidden in a flower pot, or under a door mat.
But, you know, those unspecified marauders were sneaky, and resourceful, and determined. So Tom's old man had decided to give the spare keys to the neighbours, for safe keeping.
Easy, peasy. All you needed were the willingness to walk along the lake shore for a few minutes, some very basic social skills, and oh yeah, ideally, NOT BE NAKED.
Tom let out a thunderous groan.
Okay. Okay.
He could do this. His dad had told him where the neighbours kept the spare keys, in case they weren't home and there was a real emergency.
Easy, peasy. Ideally, the neighbours would not even be at the lake, today.
But even if they were, maybe he could sneak into their property without them noticing.
Naked.
"I should flatten my head on a boulder," Tom observed with a solemn nod.
Deep breaths.
Alright. Alright.
He started walking, his broad, naked feet making a surprising amount of noise, in the peaceful silence of the forest. There weren't even as many birds up here, compared to the southern regions.
Look, folks, Tom thought, It's a mysterious cryptid. The elusive naked forest pissboy. With the merrily, freely swinging balls and penis and the perky buttocks.
There was a strangely dream-like quality to this walk. For all intends and purposes, it was a stunning, perfect afternoon. The sun was dancing through the trees in golden rays. A lake-dwelling creature with a deep, melodious voice cried out somewhere far away.
Even being naked felt wonderful. What with the warmth and the occasional light breeze on his skin.
Why do we even have clothes at all, Tom mused. Everyone should be naked. No, I'm not an idiot on a walk of shame, I am a pioneer.
If the neighbours discovered him like this, as he was digging through their stuff, you know what he'd say? He'd stand up straight, full frontal nudity, and say, Why am I naked? The better question is, why aren't YOU naked? Checkmate, you FOOLS.
Yeah...
It was neither a dream, nor a nightmare. With a strange sensory clarity, as the dry pine needles and the undergrowth were poking his feet, Tom realized that whatever this was... It just was.
The weirdly enchanting walk couldn't go on forever, of course. You know how time can be, sometimes. It can feel like an eternity, and yet suddenly, that eternity is over.
The other cabin came into sight.
It looked so peaceful. So innocent. So very much like the domain of someone else.
Courage, Tommy-boy.
