What sort of interaction you can expect here between our heroine and the object of her wrath, as well as the body parts involved, are things hinted at in the title, short description and tags. Most important of all, note that the modest quantity of enthusiastic consent involved, if those were real events, should scandalize everyone with a moral compass, and I urge you to not attempt to replicate this procedure in your own lives, no matter how deserving a target you might be able to think of. If, however, this warning is tantalizing to you rather than off-putting, as an intro to an irreverent vignette based in no way on real events and individuals, step right in.
An Ass For An Ass
Harper waited for her target right outside the conference room, her back against the wall, her light briefcase pressed against her chest. Her glasses two discreet shimmers in the shadows.
She could still hear Dr. Hendrik talking to the state secretary inside. Obviously trying to delay his departure, hoping that Harper would have returned to her office by the time he left, swept away alongside everyone else who had attended the meeting.
Alas for him, no such luck.
Harper made sure to wait for the ideal moment, for maximum effect. When Dr. Hendrik's sleek form finally emerged from the room, she remained perfectly still, allowing him to take one step, two, without noticing her, giving him a moment to relax.
Then she brought her briefcase down on his broad back.
He flinched. Harper would have loved to get a noise out of him, even just a little one, but with Dr. Hendrik, office nickname 'Ice Prince', that was probably asking too much.
Likewise, any possible expression of pain, shock or outrage on his infuriatingly handsome, clear-skinned face was long gone by the time he turned around to confront his assailant. Replaced once again with his perfect mask of professional detachment and self-control.
"Ms. Lennengrad," he observed in his trade-mark monotone voice.
"Dr. Hendrik!" Harper sang. "What a day, huh? Walk with me. I'd say a little debriefing is in order, between the two of us."
Dr. Hendrik tilted his head. "I believe we have thoroughly exhausted the matter for today. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather return to my desk to..."
Harper snorted. "Yeah, no. I don't think so. Come!"
She unceremoniously poked him in the back, herding him down the hallway, and around the corner into an unused projector room, like he was cattle.
"Five months," Harper began after closing the door behind them. "Five months, that we have pushed that prickly question back and forth between us, if I'm not mistaken. And would you look at that -- today we sit down with five legal experts from all over the country, the state secretary and the minister herself, and they all agree with what I've been saying from the very beginning!"
Dr. Hendrik shook his head. "Ms. Lennengrad, the exact interpretation of Article 6 of the Agricultural Subsidies Statute was a complicated issue with no obvious answer. I maintain that my position was perfectly defensible, based on the situation as it was presenting itself to me. It was by no means a foregone conclusion..."
"Not a foregone conclusion!" Harper marveled. "That's not what it still sounded like a few hours ago. You DID think that it was a foregone conclusion, didn't you? And that I was an IDIOT."
"...Most of all," he continued, unfazed. "This was not a vendetta against your person, Ms. Lennengrad. As I have made clear before. My apologies, if that has been your impression."
Harper couldn't repress a gasp. "My impression...! All of those condescending emails. You lecturing me again and again on the basics of public law as if I was a lay person. Your refusal to see things from a different angle, which is all it would have taken to see the flaw in your, frankly, shallow "letter of the text" line of reasoning?"
Harper slapped her index finger onto the palm of her other hand, as if she was holding up a tiny version of Dr. Hendrik in need of a good spanking. "Things didn't need to go this far, you know? We could have avoided months of public, nationwide protests and the minister herself getting involved, it could all have been contained. And I tried. Oh, we BOTH know how I tried to get through to you. I gave you my all - theory, precedent, comparative law, logic, COMMON SENSE. To no avail. What am I supposed to make of THAT, Dr. Hendrik?"
Harper spat out the 'Doctor' as if it was something disgusting. She crossed her arms, and stared at him defiantly through her thick, round glasses. Her stance broad-legged like that of a cowboy at high noon.
Dr. Hendrik let his tight little butt sink onto a nearby desk. He always moved so gracefully, as if his every movement was calculated to put no undue wrinkles in his designer suits.
He sighed, almost an explosion of emotion, by his standards. "I realize that this was an issue you have become very... invested in, Ms. Lennengrad. I seem to recall that you stomped your feet, at one point..."
"I am of half a mind of doing it again!" Harper snapped, heat rising up to her face. "I suppose you consider that confirmation that my opinion could not be taken seriously? Because I was throwing a tantrum?"
Dr. Hendrik shook his head again. "Ms. Lennengrad, if you believe that my conduct has been... unprofessional, please take this up with the personnel department. That's all I can say, really. I for one believe I have maintained my integrity at all times."
Harper threw up her hands in helpless frustration. "There it is again! Exactly what you always do, sir! Hiding behind formalities, a clean, smooth façade. You want me to point to the exact line, in the exact email, that drove me insane? Which specific instance of you avoiding me in the break room was a humiliating breach of conduct? Which specific instance of you talking to our superiors like I was not even in the room with you? No, esteemed colleague, I am DONE proving anything, when it comes to you."
Now Dr. Hendrik shifted his weight uncomfortably. For just a second, his eyes darted to the door, behind her. Harper's heart started beating faster. Could it be? Was she finally piercing through the icy carapace?
"I can see that I have OFFENDED you," Dr. Hendrik slowly proposed. "Again, I stand by my decisions, and my conduct, but I am willing to apologize to you in all due form, in front of witnesses, if that's what it takes to put this issue behind us..."
"Not good enough," Harper said dryly. "Besides, the time for polite 'apologies' was approximately three months ago."
She swiftly locked the door with the little key she had borrowed from the janitor.
As she let the key disappear in her cleavage, Harper noted her colleague's widened eyes and raised eyebrows with grim satisfaction. He looked at least five years younger, for a moment.
