It's all Lauren Bacall's fault.
It was my turn to pick the film for movie night, well, our turn. Only Susan no longer seemed interested in movie nights. She didn't seem, to be honest, in anything except maybe work these past couple of months. She had developed a kind of dour hangdog expression. It was like she was trying to soldier her way through something distasteful.
So I was surprised to wake up Sunday to her in a cheerful, bubbly mood. She bounced around the apartment like a kangaroo, joking and smiling. It reminded me of the woman I had married just a few years ago, of the spritely college girl she had been or the hijinks she'd get up to during her residency. Instead of the super-serious doctor face she'd been wearing, this morning she sported a mischievous smile. And it was her suggestion that, for Thursday, we watch The Big Sleep, with Bogie and Bacall. I was a little taken aback, since I'm more of the Turner Classic Movies guy: she's more Guardians of the Galaxy than Edgar G. Robinson. But I was glad of it... kind of.
If her mood was chipper, I was fighting dread. In the preceding two weeks, movie night had ended with risky encounters with our tight-bodied next door neighbor and, subsequently, thanks to a truly obscene photo of the occasion, a coerced but equally unprotected time with our appalling neighbor, Mary, three doors down. Susan was happy and yet, basically, any of our neighbors could blow the whistle on me at any time.
But, amazingly, nothing happened like that. Life just kept cycling along. Work, meetings, emails, dinners and breakfasts, until, at least, Thursday night was staring us in the face. I was girding myself for being outed as a cheating piece of shit, but Susan practically waltzed down to Mary's place, a bottle of decent red wine in one hand and some hastily assembled crudites in the other.
Cindy McGill was already present. She's somewhere past sixty years old, with a face that looked well lived in. I knew little about her: she'd buried her much older husband a few years ago. She was an ardent college football fan, with a hint of Southern lilt still in her accent that she could play up or hide as needed. In her youth she was probably striking, long reddish hair, now streaked with gray, over six feet in height, and thin as a rail. The only things that stuck out on her were a pair of good sized (but not gargantuan) boobs. You could see immediately why her husband's children thought she was a gold digger.
Mary, of course, was there, it being her place. She scowled when she saw my wife. Little black clouds gathered all around her and little lightnings shot from her eyes. I think we she was hungry for more blackmailing magic and the thought of being cock-blocked by, ironically, my wife was eating her up from the inside.
Pete and Belinda came a couple of minutes behind us, perhaps saving Mary from blowing a gasket. Pete fumbled around a bit when we were saying hello and he really didn't appreciate the looks Mary was giving him. Perhaps he was worried Mary was plotting "revenge" on me by getting him upstairs with her later or perhaps the whole situation had him thrown off.
Corn was popped and wine poured and we settled in to watch Philip Marlowe dealing with blackmail and murder. Part of me wondered if my wife was sending me a message! About an hour in, with all of us immersed in the show, Mary suddenly paused for intermission. It was like a shock to the senses to be jolted back into the modern world.
Mary headed to the bathroom, while I went for a refill of wine. Susan and Cindy stayed put, with their heads together, obviously in cahoots about something. That gave Belinda a chance to sneak in a couple of words, just to ensure my anxiety was kept at a peak.
"I spotted a bit yesterday and my boobs are so sore. We'll know in a day or so for sure," she informed me. Gah. I was pretty definitely in trouble there.
Then Mary waddled up, letting me know "I'm on the rag anyway, so you're off the hook tonight. Just don't think this changes anything, daddy." At least I didn't need to worry about baby number two... yet.
Lauren Bacall's character got the last words, when Bogie asked her if she was in trouble: "Nothing you can't get me out of." It made me wonder if I could get out of all the trouble brewing around me.
As the credits rolled, my wife was right at my elbow, where she'd been mostly glued all evening, saying, "Babe, could we walk Cindy home tonight? We have something we want to share." Definitely in cahoots, then. I couldn't imagine what this could be, but the cold dread I'd been holding at bay seemed to be closing in all around me.
Steps away, Cindy was unlatching her front door. Her townhouse was the opposite end unit in our cluster and, thus, a mirror image of our own; kitchen on the left instead of right, that sort of thing. Cindy's taste was, well, everywhere. She's one of those people who adore bright colors and a carefully curated everything-has-a-place clutter. Every horizontal surface was filled with bric-a-brac, every bit of wall decorated with a jumble of art, craft, or family photos. The effect was of a thirty-room mansion owned by a color-blind drug lord on display in a double-wide trailer.
We sat on a sectional sofa, Susan and I together, Cindy around the corner. She put her hands together in front of her and announced, "Well, this should be interesting. I take it Susan has kept things under wraps?"
I was being ganged up on. The bees in my stomach were ready to riot.
Susan took my hand, looked into my eyes, and launched into her spiel:
"Honey, I know you've been frustrated and that I might have seemed distant and cold lately. I want you to know that I love you just as much as I always have. But I've been seeing a therapist at work and he's helped me make some discoveries about myself." She faltered here. I squeezed her hand to encourage her to go on.
Glancing over, I could see Cindy had on her poker face.
"I'll come right out and say it: he says I'm asexual. He says I shouldn't feel bad that I don't feel any sexual desire. Not just with you, but with anyone. I never have, really. I've always had to force myself into... you know..." She made squishy joiny gestures with her hands.
"I've thought and thought about how to deal with my problem. I still love you very much and feel close and connected and attracted to you in, uh, non-physical ways. And I know you have needs that I can't satisfy without feeling, uh, you know. So what I thought was: what if you could take care of those needs with someone else?"
"Cindy is, well, she's willing to help us..." I glanced over and Cindy had a tightly controlled look on her face, while her gray eyes were calculating and appraising. I felt like I was being sized up, like she might want to examine my teeth or something.
"Anyway, I wanted to tell you about this. I'm sure you have many questions. But I want you two to get a chance to talk about it, just between you. I'll be waiting at home. I hope... well, I am doing this for you, for us."
Susan got up and I stood, thinking to go with her. I started to speak, but she shushed me. "Just talk to Cindy about it."
Then she was gone.
"Well," Cindy started, "quite an announcement, hey? Bet you could use a drink. I know that's making me thirsty."
"You could say that again. Of all the things that could have happened, I never saw that coming. She let you in on this before?"
"A couple weeks ago. It took some time for me to agree to this chat. I don't normally like taking up with married men: too life shortening to get caught playing pat-a-cake like that."
"I get it. What changed your mind?"