I had been with Greg for seven months and felt content. He worked 9-5 in the mail room of a moderate accounting firm, and supported me through all the ups and downs that were life.
Greg visited me every day.
Greg found me an office support position at his firm.
Greg told me he loved me every single night.
Greg shared my love for old timey films and popcorn.
It was all sweet and lovely and everything like that. Yet I stayed up later and later each night, scrolling the Internet for ... Something. Anything really, that would catch my eye.
Sometimes I found myself reading stories on various anonymous writing forums. Other times I would follow random discussion boards to see what was on the up and up. He would be asleep on the couch or in bed, and I would spend hours in the darkness and screen light.
One night, as I was sipping some milky English breakfast tea with sleepy needing eyes, I found myself reading a discussion intently.
Nathaniel: ... Personally I would not allow that kind of disobedience.
Kelly K: I don't think it's disobedience if it involves your true feelings.
Nathaniel: I disagree, but continue to explain yourself maybe you will enlighten me.
Kelly K: Eating food or feeling hungry is something you can't control, same with jealousy, it's just something you feel.
Nathaniel: and?
Kelly K: you can't control it.
Nathaniel: ... The point is to control yourself despite your feelings.
Johnson: I eating a pies now
Kelly k: You're just saying that because you don't have a girlfriend and because you're anorexic
Nathaniel: I think considering all the comments in this discussion... Johnson made the most sense
I felt a twinge of desire to actually join this discussion. I felt the thought pressing down into my stomach ... a person could learn obedience to something beyond their own immediate feelings? Is that something I could achieve?
I wasn't sure, and as my tea had gone cold with the sun's rising, I felt a sleepiness overcome me. I could hear the shuffling sounds of blankets being shifted in the room next to mine, and the yawning of my boyfriend, Greg.
I phased through the day like any other. Waiting for my time alone, at night, to search for that something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep that made me feel a sort of strange yearning, but I couldn't remember which had come first; my feelings or my sleepy brain.
While at work, I thought about Nathaniel's comments on obedience and feelings. I remembered the last time I contributed to an online forum, the blue beam of my screen had tricked me into a dispute with invisible Internet trolls. I had been left frustrated and empty.
Jolene, my co-worker who had dreams of meeting a man as sweet as Greg, sat next to me and bragged about her latest accounting triumph over the lunch break. She flashed a bonus check at me, stating that, "only name partners usually receive bonuses of this amount".
I looked at her big blonde head and baby blue eyes and knew she was fuelled by jealousy and feelings of inferiority. I looked then at the feast of lunch foods before me, at the grin on Greg's face, the content and comfortable feelings I had swimming around my stomach.
"It's okay Zoe, I love you no matter what kind of cheques you bring home," Greg patted me on the knee and then reached out for a doughnut. He was the sweetest most comfortable thing I had in my whole world.
"What if I brought home big cheques every week, how would you feel?" I asked curiously.
"I would love you regardless," he shrugged, "I don't know, I'd spend it on more junk food and movies?"
"Okay," I shifted uncomfortably, "would you buy anything else with the cash I gave you?" I had stopped eating now, not entirely sure why or for what.
"I don't know, probably," he turned to Jolene and motioned for a napkin. I considered his demeanour and responses, yet felt somehow unsatisfied with them. Perhaps I wanted him to spend the money on something more specific? Or perhaps I didn't want him to accept the money to begin with.
-
When logging back onto the forum, 'TMI Space,' I was surprised to note that Nathaniel had returned to the discussion. It was not often that I recognised commenters. I wondered if it was the picture that popped up every time he typed a new message.
His image was of a black and white room. It was dark, no windows, and the door was closed. All the room contained was a closed off cabinet, facing a single chair, stationed in the centre of the room's wooden floorboards.
The image popped up again and again, almost ingraining itself into my mind.
Nathaniel: ...
He had not typed anything, although he had clearly signed into the forum for discussion. My finger twitched over the keyboard before me; dare I say something? Dare I spill a secret?
Little Z: ... every time I get paid from work... I spend a third of it on chocolate and lollies.
This was a confession. It seemed silly to type, silly to admit, but it also devastated me. I felt the palms of my hands sweating, the faint snorings of Greg in the background, and the same cup of tea warming a damp ring upon my computer desk. I held my breath.
Nathaniel: ... okay
This was all that was replied for about five minutes. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Why had I even typed such a thing? I stared at the screen wide eyed and tight jawed. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them again hoping that the words would disappear.
Nathaniel: Tell me more Little Z.
My chest felt as though there were hundreds of little hearts beating away inside of it, so tiny, they almost could not pump enough blood into my veins.
Little Z: I feel like I can't help it, but I wish I didn't.
Nathaniel: ... Do you want my help, Little?
I had noticed here that Nathaniel did not add the Z for my login name. To just be called 'little' felt strange because it made Nathaniel seem big; like I was a speck of dust to a giant's foot, which pummelled down onto the Earth, and forced the little pieces of me to scatter into the air. As in, it made me vulnerable.
Little Z: What do you mean?
Nathaniel: I could help you, if you truly wanted me to.
Little Z: why would you do that?
