Chapter 5 - Chaos rules when we're apart
After spending an emotional night with Liz, Paige gets back on the road. She plans to drive the whole way in a single day this time. It won't be fun, but it's doable. There's only so long she can be away from work, and she has so much to do now. She spent the morning tearfully talking things over. Liz was a good listener, and helped her come up with a plan. It's not complete, but she has her next steps. She isn't stumbling blind in a panic anymore.
The first thing she has to do is get a temporary place to stay. Paige sent a few emails about short term rentals, and can stay in a hotel for a bit. Longer term she plans to use the money Liz gave her to buy a home of her own. She wants to start looking as soon as possible but it's a bit of a process. That would let her be in control of her own life, no matter what. No matter where things end up with Sarah.
She had thought she would be living with Sarah soon.
Liz's story from the previous night made a lot of things make sense. Her heart hurt imagining what trauma Sarah might have gone through. It explains the violence, not taking no, the alcohol, even the mood swings. It explains them, but it doesn't excuse them. It doesn't entitle her to use Paige like some kind of toy, manipulating her. The worst part is, if Sarah had just talked to her like a person, she probably would have fallen for her anyway.
Paige drives for hours, letting the music wash over her. She lets her brain check out. No specific thoughts, just letting her emotions flow. It doesn't take long for the tears to start. Only a few days ago she thought she finally had things figured out. That her life was finally finding some stability. So quickly it just fell apart. She thinks about the expensive red lingerie she bought. That was the night she found out Liz was NightSiren. It just got forgotten about after that. She never even got to wear it for Sarah.
As Paige gets closer to home the sun starts to get low. Once it gets dark these mountain roads get more dangerous. Even on the divided highways, accidents happen all the time. She looks out over the ravine by the road. There aren't even any guardrails here. When she first moved here she was so scared to drive these roads. It seemed absolutely insane to her that people could do this all the time. In rain, or snow, and often at reckless speeds. She saw news stories all the time about people falling asleep, or hitting ice and going over the side. Her heart rate would spike any time she drove out this way.
But it didn't seem scary anymore. She was used to it now. The ravines that seemed so scary now seemed comforting. Even inviting. She starts letting the car inch over the dividing line. It would be quick. It would be so easy. They always say it's never the answer, but thats a lie. It's an easy answer to so many problems, and that's what makes it so scary to Paige. She lets the car drift more over the line as she silently makes her peace. She hates what this will do to her parents, and prays they'll understand. The car rumbles as it starts to reach the shoulder. The rough cutouts designed to warn drivers they're near the edge of the road. She closes her eyes about to give the wheel the final turn, when her phone starts to ring.
It's Sarah. Paige jerks the car back onto the road. She quickly hits the accept button and answers the call, trying hard to not think about she was about to do.
"Paige," Sarah says. Her voice horse. She's definitely been crying. "Please, I'm sorry. I know I'm fucked up, and if you want nothing to do with me I understand. Can we talk first? I don't want things to end the way they did."
Paige almost says no. She thinks about the gun in the trunk of the car, the weight of what it means. Of how scared Liz was of Sarah. She also thinks about how much Liz loved Sarah. About how much she herself loved Sarah, despite not knowing her at all. Weighing it all together she still ends up at no. It would be madness to get involved with her again. At least so soon. She had a chance to walk away, to give herself time to figure things out. However in the silence she hears Sarah sniffle, and it's just enough to warm her heart and tip the scale slightly.
"I'll let you know when I get back to town. We can talk then," Paige says finally.
Once Paige is nearly settled in, she grabs her phone to text Sarah. She tells her where she's staying, and lets her know shes ready. She takes a quick shower in the time it takes Sarah to get there. Mentally preparing herself for a stressful, late night talk.
When Paige hears the knock, she slowly walks to the door. She takes deep breaths, struggling to calm herself. Not wanting to let herself lose control of her emotions. She needs to be collected for this.
Paige opens the door, and sees Sarah for the first time in days. Sarah is wearing the same clothing she was that night. Her eyes are puffy and red. At some point she tried to put makeup on but her tears have made it run down her face. Sarah's beautiful red hair is tangled at matted. She looks awful, even smells awful. Sarah sniffles softly, and Paige can't resist.
Paige holds Sarah close, ignoring the smell. She gives her a soft kiss. Paige can already feel her anger melt away. She knows already that she's willing to forgive Sarah. Forgive, but not forget.
"Start over? As equals?" Paige asks softly. Sarah nods against Paige's shoulder.
"I should tell you about... about Gwen," Sarah says.
"Liz told me already, it's OK. We draw a line here and start again. We can't change the past, but we can be better now," Paige says. She tenderly traces a line down Sarah's neck. They just each other in silence, neither of them wanting to take the next step.
"You're pretty," Paige says finally.
"Thanks," Sarah replies. A slight blush in her face.
