"
Oh, Millie, stop it," I said to the woman in the mirror with a toothbrush in her mouth and toothpaste foam on her lips."
But I couldn't.
It wasn't that little pressure, the light tickle deep in my belly although that was part of it.
It wasn't the mindworm that had worked its way into my head, a constant irritation, although that was part of it.
It was my understanding, deep inside, that it wouldn't go away until I did it.
I was scared.
"
David will understand," I said to that woman.
But deep down I didn't believe it. My husband is loving and gentle but I didn't really believe he would accept it. Or understand it.
But there was nothing for it. I had to do it or, well, I'd probably go crazy. I suppose I could go back on the meds, but then I'd be half living in a fog and I couldn't do that again. When I had that thought I laughed, spraying toothpaste foam on the mirror and that made me laugh more.
Yes, the word "hysterical" did pop into my mind.
But it was the thought that I'd "probably go crazy" that did it. I suspect that, if there was a test for such things, I'd probably show up somewhere on the "crazy" scale anyway.
"Well," I said to the mirror, this time aloud and giggling at the little dribble of foam that ran down my chin, "You'd better call Arlene."
I rinsed, spat, rinsed, did my makeup, light as always, and got dressed. I was in the middle of a project, a complex grant application if it matters, so I wouldn't be going to any meetings. My business casual outfit was appropriate then, light slacks, a pastel blouse, and those wide, almost "clunky" moderately high-heeled shoes that were in style right then. I put on small, almost delicate, earrings, my
Fitbit
watch, and the western-style belt with the big buckle that went with the slacks.
I looked in the mirror, fluffed my hair a little, and smiled at myself.
"
Not bad," I said to myself, "for a broad pushing 50 pretty damn hard."
Ready to face the day, well, as ready as I could be since I knew the URGE wasn't going to go away, I went downstairs.
My husband was sitting at the kitchen counter, his laptop open, doubtless working on one of his papers. He's a graduate student, very serious about his schoolwork, and starting work on his master's degree in history. He's always researching something or other.
As always, when he was doing research, it was easy to sneak up on him.
He jumped, startled, when I laid my hands on his waist, just above the elastic waistband of his tidy whities. After three years of marriage, we were pretty casual about clothes. I still enjoyed looking at him, just a little past half my age, and giggled when I thought of how he had teased me mercilessly for three months last year when he was 24 and I was 48, exactly twice his age.
"What would you say if I told you I had time for a quickie?" I asked.
He said nothing, but his hand went to the top of his laptop and he closed the computer with an audible little clapping sound.
I giggled and said, "Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. That was a joke. I'm running a little late."
He turned on the bar-height chair, covered my cheeks with his hands, and said, "Nobody likes a tease, Bitch."
I giggled and said, "I'll make it up to you tonight."
He grinned and said, "I'll save up."
He kissed me then, a light kiss, not messing up my makeup, and then slapped my ass hard enough to make me yell.
"Just a taste, Tease," he said and I felt a little quiver in my belly.
At work, I made a couple of phone calls and started back on the grant application. I wasn't looking forward to spending a day with census data and federal regulations.
Before I dove in I made the call I knew I had to make.
"Hey there, Sluterella, long time," Arelene said by way of greeting.
Arlene, my best friend since we were roommates beginning with our freshman year in college and then shared an apartment for the rest of the four years, is my exact opposite. I'm small, shy, flat-chested, almost boyish. She is big and brassy, all boobs and ass, outgoing, and so perfectly female I was always jealous of her.
"I need a girl's night out," I said. That had always been our code for when the URGE was on me.
"Oh, Honey," she said, quiet now, "are you sure?"
I brushed a tear away, hating the tightness of crying in my voice as I said, "Yes."
"Friday night then?" she asked.
"Please," I said.
She sighed loud enough that I could hear it over the phone.
"Okay," she said after a pause, "I'll call David and set it up."
"Thanks, Leen," I said.
I sat and cried for a couple of minutes, my door closed, hating what I must do but unable to think of anything else.
I got through the day, although at lunch a couple of my co-workers asked what was wrong.
"
What's wrong?!" I screamed in my mind, "What's wrong is that Friday night I'm going to be on my knees before a total stranger giving him the blowjob of his life. How's THAT for something wrong?"
What I said was, "Pollen, you know. A bit of hay fever."
When I got home, David, bless his heart, had a frozen pizza in the oven and a beer in his hand that he handed to me.
We exchanged the standard, "How was your day greetings." I liked that he still liked to watch as I stripped out of my work clothes. I giggled and did a spin, naked, and went to him where he sat on the edge of the bed