Back Door Banquet

I knocked on the door.

"I want to watch."

"Get lost."

"

Please

?"

"Quit begging. Convince me."

"Okay, here goes. I'm in love with your anus. Your rectum excites me. Your colon delights me."

"Well, well, the pervert is a poet. What else you got, Shakespeare?"

"The naked truth is what I got. I want to watch you shit. More specifically, I want to see your butthole yawn wide open as your waste plops out. And then..."

"There's more? You really

do

have an anal fixation, don't you?"

"

Watching

you shit is just phase one. But that's like having potatoes without the gravy."

"And the gravy is?"

"Damn, woman. All this talk is killing me. I'm a man of action, and the man of action is hard as a fence post."

"Really?"

"Really. Wanna see?"

"Not yet. You were saying? Something about potatoes?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me take a deep breath first and grab onto something besides my stiffy. Okay. Now I think we can agree that we both enjoy a little back door action from time to time. It's good for the libido, yes? So how hot would it be if I fucked you right

after

you left a log in the bowl? Baby, can you feel me on this?"

"Hmmm. Tell me more. So far it's an intriguing idea, but I'm not sold yet."

"Think about it. After you drop a loaf your anal cavity is already primed. It's warm. It's relaxed. And it's all gooey with mucousy whatever. Now just imagine my cock driving full speed ahead down you Hershey highway, working it, going balls deep in it. Well? You're pretty quiet in there."

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking."

"You're in the right place, babe. Are you still on the throne?"

"Of course."

"Great. Then it's not too late for my adventures in voyeurism. Do you still need to drop a deuce?—he asked hopefully."

"Yeah, I've got a little something-something saved up. But all your yammering is making me constipated. By the way, what about the smell? I mean, if you fuck me right after..."

"I

love

the smell! I'm gaga for your caca. I could bottle the smell of your shit and sell it on eBay."

"You're sick. You need help. And it strikes me that even though I do love having anal sex, this naughty idea of yours has one beneficiary in mind—you!"

"Oh, please. Let me in and I'll prove that you're wrong. Look, we're no strangers to ass play. I'm just suggesting that we take it up a notch and try a little

scat

play."

"So to recap, you watch me shit, then you stick your muzzle all up in that, and finally Mr. Happy get a date with my shit-slick rectum. What's in it for me?"

"Are you serious? It's a win-win for everyone. You, my precious, get your own private and

very

intimate visit from the Roto Rooter man. Now doesn't a vigorous reaming out sound pretty good right now?"

"Well, I suppose. But just for argument's sake, let's say I let you in and you get to do your thing. You watch my poop make a hasty exit, you smell it, you make mud pies with it, whatever."

"Sorry to interrupt, but are you talking about entering the gates of Heaven? Because that's what I'm hearing. You must be the angel of dark, forbidden passages. You shall forever be known as Mistress Taboo."

"Be serious, okay? You know I'm always down for a good butt fucking. And toilet play

does

sound rather arousing."

"And since you're such a bad, bad girl..."

"Yes. But."

"Don't you mean

butt

?"

"Ha ha. But let's talk hygiene."

"Hygiene? I took that class in high school.

Borrring

. I can catch more cooties from touching this doorknob than from tonguing your luscious nether regions. Anyway, are you sure you don't want to see my fistful of cock? It wants to play with you in the worst way. The

very

worst way."

"Let's get back to hygiene. Since you're so in love with my ass, I'm sure you want to keep it fresh and clean enough to eat off of."

"You really do know the way to a man's heart. But to your point, I just put a fresh roll of two-ply Charmin next to the crapper. Want me to wipe your tush for you? Please say you do."

"Now who's being boring? Anybody can wipe an ass. But all this talk about watching me shit and then plowing my 'Hershey highway' afterwards has got me..."

"All worked up? I knew it would! I counted on it. Now open the door, or I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll..."

"What I was

going

to say was, all this talk has got me thinking. Watching, smelling, fucking—surprisingly, I'm okay with all of it. I'm even sitting here with a turd in my bowels that's just waiting for your eyes only. But we're leaving something out of the equation. Can you guess what it is?"

"Girl, if we keep up this scat chat I'm going to cum right on my loafers. Honestly, I don't know

what

you're waiting for. Let's do this thing, then brag about it on the internet."

"Oh dear, will you look at this."

"What?

What

?"

"Why, we seem to be all

out

of toilet paper. Whatever shall I do?"

"That's impossible. Like I said, there's a whole fucking roll of it..."

"You know, if men were as chivalrous as they used to be, some knight in shining armor would offer to

lick

me clean."

"Are you suggesting...?"

"Imagine the brave soul who would drag the rough surface of his tongue across my anus, maybe even poke around inside for any stray remnants."

"Shut your mouth!"

"I wonder what my asshole tastes like right after it goes number two. I imagine it would taste sickly-sweet, maybe something like buttermilk? You might even be able to taste my breakfast from yesterday. Or that ice cream sundae I had last night. Well? Now who's being so quiet?"

"Oh. My. Lord. You have rendered me nearly speechless. With much perverse and deviant thought you have singlehandedly come up with the kink to end all kinks. Catch me, because I am going to faint."

"So I take it that Mr. Happy likes the idea?"

"Mr. Happy is weeping. He's crying spermy-white tears of joy and gratefulness. He can't

wait

to thank you. And I can't wait to eat you."

"That's good, because I—Ugh! I'm going to—Ugh!"

"Open this damned door!"

"It's unlocked, silly."

"Oh for Christ's sake—it is! Now you're in for it!"

"Hurry, then. I can feel my asshole starting to expand. I think I'm ready to give birth to another rope of shit. Yes, my God! I can feel is easing between my cheeks. Hurry! Look!!"

"I see it! It's brown and thick and slimy and—

beautiful

."

"Nasty boy. Now smell me. Lick me.

Fuck

me."

"Like you had to ask. On your knees, woman. Now spread 'em. Spread 'em wider. Oh my goodness. There's nothing like a schmear of poop on a wrinkly orifice to make my mouth water."

"Better than shit on a shingle?"

"If Mom could see me now. I'm actually licking your asshole—right after you've shit! Who says dreams can't come true?"

"Your tongue feels like a cat's, all rough and sticky."

"Look at it, babe. It's all brown with your feces! And I'm going to lick up every trace of your chocolate pudding. God, you taste good."

"You're going to cum, aren't you? Don't leave me here alone, baby. Take me with you. Fuck my ass."

"I will, I will. But first I'll open you up with my fingers. Ooh, so stinky, so erotic. Now I'm going to smear the nasty stuff all over my cock and balls."

"I'm serious. If you don't fuck me right this instant..."

"Here I come, lover. Here's my nice, thick, shit-covered cock returning your vile waste back where it came from—inside your gaping, gorgeous, cock-hungry sphincter."

"I'm going to cum, you deviant bastard!"

"I'm going to cum, you debaucherous slut!"

"See you in my wet dream, slugger."

"A wet dream that ends with me filling your large intestine with a pint of my special white sauce."

"Ohhhhhh!"

"Arghhhhh!"

"That was the filthiest..."

"The nastiest..."

"The most indecent sex act ever!"

"Indeed it was. Let's do it again!"

"Okay. But you'd better take me out to dinner first, 'cause I'm all out of chocolate pudding."

End