What The Butler Saw

Carrington put aside the new-fangled electric iron that he used to smooth the creases from the daily newspaper that had been delivered earlier to the stately home where he was employed as the Butler. It was his daily ritual that ensured the paper was in pristine condition when laid out in the Drawing room so that the master of the house would have no quibble about folds or creases marring his reading.

As he laid the publication on the tray, his attention was caught by the section that would be 'essential reading' for households such as his employment. He read:

The Harrogate Gazette, May 15th, 1892 - Society Notices:

"Lady Henrietta Anstruther-Smythe generously opened her lovely home at the weekend to host a meeting of the Yorkshire Women's Fellowship for distressed common folk. A light luncheon was served prior to the meeting when thereafter the honourable Mrs. Clara Stringfellow of Northallerton Hall, the renowned artist, gave a lively talk on the challenges during the reign of our gracious monarch Queen Victoria of finding qualified domestic staff. An open discussion followed. The Fellowship which meets once a month is attended by invited members only."

The notice commentated that no reporters were invited to attend the closed meeting. However, Carrington knew better and had he been of a literary nature he would have also been well qualified to provided the following transcript.

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Clara put down her fork, dabbed her rosebud mouth with the corner of her linen napkin, and acknowledged the polite applause from the assembled ladies around the table that followed her introduction by Lady Henrietta Anstruther-Smythe.

Carrington, the Butler, gently pulled the chair away to allow her to stand up. She smiled at him and said, "Thank you, Carrington, have the servants all left? If so, would you be so kind as to secure the doors on your way out."

She waited for his exit before beginning her prepared presentation.

"Good afternoon ladies and thank you Lady Henrietta for the splendid luncheon and for giving me the opportunity to share my experiences of the difficulties of finding and employing qualified domestic staff with you all. I cannot even hope to improve on Miss Charlotte Grantham's talk at our last meeting, which you will recall, related her unique methods of in the management of her stables and of her 'hands-on' methods, as she charmingly called it, of stimulating and encouraging her stallions to mount the mares in her stable...."

General laughter and few blushes followed as the discussion of the previous meeting was recalled.

"... but now it is my turn to get up and tell you the story of my own true experience in the area of our common interest which I hope you will find it of some value.

"My first husband, Stanley, came from a family of Merchant Bankers. We first met at my coming out Ball when I was presented to society and as an innocent debutante I was flattered to be wooed by this tall, charming, handsome man with a warm sense of humour. We had a common interest in riding to hounds and his appeal to my senses was sealed when it was revealed he maintained a large stable of fine horses. As soon as the required courtship would allow, we wed and I was soon to discover he possessed another agreeable asset, to whit, that he was endowed with, how can I describe it, ah, a generous nature and a large peggo."

Pause for polite tittering.

"Yes, my Stanley was quite well endowed but I was a virgin when we were married and unversed in such matters. My Mama had not deemed this aspect of my growing up and education a seemly topic to be openly discussed and, as such, I did not appreciate the significance or importance of size of a gentleman's anatomy but assumed all men must be of a similar nature as far as dimensions were concerned. Moreover, once I had become accustomed to being ravished in that delicious fashion that we ladies of refinement and good taste appreciate, it was also assumed by my innocent self that all men were so equipped in providing that exquisite pleasure. It also became apparent during our marriage that I was required to be an acquiescing cuckoldress for, as is the way with our modern marriage arrangements, it is accepted that our husbands will have their way with whomever catches their roving eye and, as such, I was unconcerned that Stanley might be displaying his talents elsewhere.

"Nevertheless, it came as a great shock to me when during one such period of ravishment that Stanley died from, as the doctor politely called it, an excess of life, but duty required that I observed a 12 month period of mourning and for the year following his passing I wore nothing other than widow's weeds. During that time I sought solace by concentrating on my painting for, as you may be aware, I have a reputation of a being a capable landscape and still-life artist.

"Once the mourning period had been satisfied I thereafter re-entered society confident that my obligation toward my deceased husband had been fulfilled and soon I was once more enjoying the benefits of an agreeable social circle. As is the way, it was not long before a gentleman proposed to me which after the required period of assessment of his suitability I accepted. He was prosperous in his own right but I was under no illusion that an element in my attraction to him was the substantial estate that I had bequeathed from Stanley which included a well established stable.

"As a widow having experience and being well-versed in the ways of men, I had no qualms when it came to us sealing our nuptials in that delicious manner which we knowledgeable ladies have come to expect. It therefore came as quite a shock to me on my wedding night when I discovered that my new husband, Percival Montague, was less than half as well-endowed as my lamented Stanley had been.

"I have to admit that my confidence and assumptions were shaken by this discovery but my instincts told me not to mention it to Percival but rather I made discreet inquiries through my maid who was well-versed in such matters, who had the knowledge to tell me that Percival, my second husband, was indeed smaller but that my first husband had been unusually big.

"I was taken aback by her depth of knowledge but did not enquire further as to how she knew of such intimate details. I didn't need to ask for, unbidden, she confessed that it appeared to her that my Percival was perfectly normal, or normal enough, so as shouldn't matter and indeed that my first husband had been remarkably endowed.

"Perversely, I was relieved to hear the raison d'être for it explained why I could hardly feel Percival inside me whenever we were intimate (which was often) but it took some time to become familiar to my new circumstances and I could not help but grieve for the manner in which Stanley had filled me up down there."

She paused to allow the tittering from her enraptured audience fade away. Still holding their attention, she continued.

"Percival and I were compatible in other ways and he was successful in his professional endeavours enough to provide a very comfortable living but I could not help thinking that for other reasons perhaps I had married the wrong man. Our intimacies were a disappointment that never seemed to improve and I found myself forever comparing how much better lovemaking had felt with Stanley when he had ravished me with his big fat peggo. Now being versed in such matters I mused that should I ever be married again that I would make enquiries in advance rather than leaving such affairs to chance.

"It had been a whimsical thought and I never realised such an idea would be tested but it was shortly after our fifth wedding anniversary that Percival was caught 'en flagrante' in distressing circumstances with young men in the city where he went to work each day and the ensuing scandal was sufficient to lead to our divorce. My over-riding concern at the revelation of his sordid conduct was that once again I had been cuckolded in the most disagreeable fashion, it was not a matter which I wished to dwell upon and so I closed my ears to the salacious details of his downfall. However, I had the good sense to employ a reputable lawyer who ensured that my settlement from Percival's remaining fortune was sufficient for me to maintain my station in life and for me to retain the family home and the stables.

"Percival departed my life and moved, I believe, to the Colonies where he was able to continue his extra-marital activities with a population who were less censorious of his depraved affections that he had regularly conducted in this country. I wished him well and I still harbour the hope that no harm has befallen him.

"Newly divorced, I was quite fragile and uncertain of my future but it was to my gratitude that I retained the services of my maid who was wise in many matters and she revealed to me that all the ensuing matters that had befallen me had been foretold. I was intrigued as to how she could know of such things and she made known that whilst I had the talent for painting, she amongst her many talents had the power to read signs in the tea leaves that remained in a drained tea cup. She said that she had often looked at the remains of both Percival and my tea things and it was no surprise to her that matters had reached such a conclusion. She then told me of other things that she could have had no prior knowledge that convinced me that the fortune-telling talent she claimed to have was not to be disputed.

"Thereafter, whenever I took afternoon tea, it became a ritual that when she cleared away that I would ask of her what was my fortune and she would oblige by examining the cup and then predict what I could expect to happen in the future.

"At first I was sceptical at some of her predictions but my scepticism faded when time-after-time what she foresaw came true. I asked her if she saw marriage in my future but she would not be drawn on the matter; I asked if marriage was not foreseen did that mean I was to remain an 'old maid'. On that issue she was more positive and said that the tea leaves told her there would be many suitors.

"I asked her if she could be more specific and she took my question in quite the wrong way and said, and I quote, that I would soon meet a tall, fair-headed and handsome man...with a huge prick!

"I was taken aback at the use of such language but nevertheless intrigued. I asked how I would know of such a creature and was told that 'one can always tell a man with a big prick because he will have large hands and a long nose'. I recalled that Stanley had indeed possessed such attributes so I share with you this privileged knowledge and suggest that you make a mental note when assessing the potential and suitability of a suitor and to look out for a man with those features."

The ladies in her audience either nodded in silent agreement or, did as she suggested, made a mental note.

"A fact of which I presume you find of interest but I also hear you ask what has all this to do with the management of a household and the care of horses? Trust me, it's all very relevant.

"The head groom of my stable advised me that following the demise of an older member of my staff that a replacement stable boy should be recruited. I agreed but on condition that any candidate for such work must have equine experience and that I personally interview the person to establish his level of experience.

"I chose to conduct these interviews in the kitchen as I did not see the need to extend the comfort of the upstairs living quarters to any uncouth or callow youths but in the event there were few applicants for this employment and those who did come forward proved to be quite unsuitable. I was beginning to despair that the right person could be found when following the departure of another unsuccessful candidate I chanced upon the weekly delivery of groceries from the village. The young man who was making the delivery was carrying a large basket and did not see me and we almost collided which caused him to apologise for making the disturbance. He instantly accepted his fault for the near collision but as soon as he recognised with whom he had encountered, although slow in intellect, he had the quick wit to follow his apology with saying he had heard that I was looking to employ a stable lad. Normally in such circumstances I would have dismissed him after admonishment for his clumsiness and impertinence but I was struck by his appearance, for he was a handsome youth with simply enormous hands and a long nose, in a glance I had assessed him as being distinctly good to look at!

"My maid who had heard the commotion came into the kitchen to see what was about and when she saw the object of my attention she gave me a knowing smile and although I knew it to be somewhat unwise I contrived to get this beautiful youth into my employ and discover if what she had foretold in the tea leaves of big hands and long noses was true.

"I invited him back into the kitchen and conducted an impromtu interview during which I was to learn that he knew little of horses but he was keen to learn for he was aware that the pay of a stable boy was more rewarding than the few shillings a week he earned working for the Grocer. I was disinclined to offer him the position given his obvious ignorance in the matter of caring for horses but I also heard during our interview that he had an ailing widowed mother and that he was the only breadwinner for his pathetic little impoverish family that included a younger sister. I listened to his sad tale but I must admit that as he delivered his stumbling monotone my focus was mainly set upon his hands, nose and what I perceived to be the extraordinary prominent protrusion of his breeches."

Pause for more tittering from around the table.

"I told myself that this was silly behaviour on my part but as I gazed admiringly on this callow youth I felt a hot flush, blinding my senses and filling me with desire. There was no possibility that I could employ him in my stables but I then had a candle-lit moment when I quickly devised a plan to have him enter my household in another capacity. I concluded the farce of the interview by saying that the position of stable lad could be his in the future but for the moment that I had the need of filling another position for which I considered he would be perfectly suited.

"I had often thought of extending my subject matter into portraiture and as I tipped him the usual amount and I asked him nervously if he would like to earn a little extra money as an artist's model. My thinking being that if he accepted, I could extend the pose by dressing him as I pleased and take in the whole body and thereafter discover whether he really did have a big one, without compromising myself.

"He responded that he was willing to do anything that would provide extra money but that he had never heard of such a thing as being an artist's model. Indeed, that he was quite unaware of the concept of Art.

"The ignorance of the working classes never fails to amuse me and after I had enlightened him to the idea I then explained the absolute necessity on the part of the artist to have a human figure to focus upon in order to fulfil the production of great work. I further made clear that he would be doing the world of art a great service if he should agree. This spurious claim appealed to his simple mind and he acquiesced to pose for me.... but only after he had gained his mother's permission for he confessed to me that she was of a timid nature and was concerned that harm might come his way if he strayed beyond the boundaries of their basic way of living. I was rather touched by this reaction but it confirmed to me his simple and innocent nature.

"The following week's grocery delivery allowed him to convey the message that mother had given him permission but on the condition that giving me such assistance should not conflict with his contract of employment at the village shop. It amused me to hear of such a caveat but I understood her concerns and by return I informed her that her young son would come to no harm and in order to promote proprietary that my maid would accompany him following his attendance at the Sunday morning church service. He was a little taken aback at the suggestion for it was clear to me that it was not his usual way on a Sunday but I reckoned that making such a mention of church would only serve to seal my good intentions. My plan worked and with mother's consent and the agreement of an hourly fee it was agreed that we would spend the following Sunday afternoon together.

"The following Sunday, promptly after church, he was led into my studio, a spare bedroom converted for the purpose, by my maid who I suspect knew that my intentions were not strictly honourable.

"I bade him to sit down on a stool in front of my easel while I made a show of sketching his face, somewhat of a charade as my focus was purely on the length of his nose and the thought this was an indication of the size of his peggo. My hand trembled at the vision that I held and it was little wonder that the likeness of his head on the canvas was very bad and despite his request I would not allow him to look at it.

"I attempted to calm myself and as I continued and attempted to rectify the errors that I had made I could not help admiring, for such a simple fellow, what a handsome example of his sex he was. He had blond hair which whilst unkempt fell in a fetching fashion to cover the back of his neck; he was blue-eyed and although a little grubby had smooth clear skin with just a hint of soft downy hair on his rugged jaw which added the fact that he had yet to grow to an age where a razor was required. His nose, as I have mentioned, was large and straight with a slight upturn which again gave me a hint that maybe this feature might be replicated elsewhere. There was no denying his beauty and despite my best efforts to control my composure, I struggled to concentrate on my drawing. The longer I looked upon him was only to compound my emotions and I began to feel giddy and faint as I gazed upon this beautiful male.

"Finally I was able to regain my senses and I was emboldened to tell him that I needed to draw more of the whole figure and not just the head. To that end I instructed him to retire behind a screen and to remove his shirt so that I might then sketch his upper body.

"He was somewhat reluctant to do so but I comforted him with the idea that I was old enough to be his mother and as such that he would not hesitate to do so in her presence and that if he regarded me in the same fashion then what harm could there be in it.

"This thought was sufficient for him to comply and he disappeared behind the screen only to reappear with his outer shirt removed but with thick woollen underwear on beneath remaining.

"'Your under-thing too, please,' I commanded but he was very reluctant about complying but I reminded him once more to think of me as his mother and that in addition I was paying him well. That had the desired effect and as he didn't want to displease me he returned to go behind the screen and then re-emerged naked above the waist.

"I was more than a little impressed with his physique when I next saw him, although not fully grown to maturity he appeared as a perfect specimen of manhood. My artistic eye traced the delicate lines of beauty made by the gently swelling curves of the muscles under alabaster flesh untarnished by the sun and, I have to admit to you ladies, that I was unable to contain my gasp of admiration, his body seemed like a perfection."

The ladies who were listening with rapt attention purred in contentment as they envisaged what was being described.

"I commanded him to regain his place upon the chair and I went back to work sketching but my attempts at concentrating on my art had become futile as now, with my inner fever rising, I could only looked upon his half-naked form and the suggestion of what his long nose suggested lay beneath his loose fabric breeches. When I did tear my gaze way back to the canvas was only to see the vision that I had applied onto the canvas with my trembling fingers was a frightful mess!