***
THE PRESENT:
"Okay, I'll bring you your drinks and get your orders in!" the chirpy waitress said with a pleasant smile.
"Thank you so much." Phil said to her. She took this as her cue to leave. When she was out of earshot, he leaned towards me and joked with a whisper, "Damn. She's so nice. Now we
have
to leave a tip!"
I snickered, though I must admit it wasn't genuine. My mind was elsewhere. He must've noticed because his hand reached across the table and laid atop mine.
"You okay, babe? You seem a little wound up."
"Yeah. I'm good." I lied, though my choice of words betrayed me. One of our inside jokes is that when I say, "
I'm okay"
I really mean "
I'm okay".
However, when I say,
"I'm good"
I really mean
"I don't wanna tell you why I'm not okay"
.
Knowing that, he hesitantly asked, "Are
we
okay?"
"I hope so." I said honestly.
A sad look came across his face, which maybe meant that he was taking my uncertainty as an indicator that I was having trouble with us. I wasn't. My fear was that if I let him know everything,
he
might have trouble with being married to...a slut.
We were interrupted with our drinks being brought to the table. After another pleasant exchange that all but ensured her tip, she was off again.
There was a few tics of silence between us before he said, "Look, I know this weekend was crazy, and I know it's my fault for not putting a stop to things, but I promise that I didn't set you up."
"No. Phil, no!" I said, horrified that he felt that this weekend was his fault, and that I was upset with him because of what happened. "I believe you. This weekend just happened to both of us. I love you, and I'm not upset with you. Not even a little bit."
"Then, what's up?"
I sighed. "I just...I'm scared that you might look at me differently. I mean, it's obvious that a part of you liked it. Especially after...you know...what
just
happened and all..."
His eyes darted away as a shy smile adorned his lips.
"...but I'm just afraid that once the lust wears off, you'll stop seeing me as a wife and start looking at me like...you know..."
Like a slut. Just like the rest of them.
His eyes snapped back to me, as if what I just said was deeply concerning. "I told you, babe. You're my wife. Nothing will change that."
Unconvinced, I said, "You say that now..."
"Stop it." He cut me off. After giving my hands a loving squeeze, he continued, "Yes, I say that now. And you know what? I'll be saying that tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. I'll keep saying it until you start to believe me."
"But...you're so...you know...conservative. Your dad's a pastor for God's sake!" Admittedly, I winced at using the Lord's name in vain, especially when talking about his father. "What would he think about his son's wife having a threesome with two other men?"
Phil laughed at that. "He'd probably flip out and quote about a dozen scriptures on marital purity."
He was laughing, but there was nothing funny. That not only failed to hit its mark with me comedically, it made me feel 1000% worse.
"Oh God!" I groaned with despair, which made him laugh even harder. Imploring him to take this seriously, I added, "You're laughing, but he senses something. Maybe God gave him a sixth sense."
Giving me a deadpanned look that you give someone who's being extremely gullible, he said, "Peyton...he's a pastor, not a Jedi." His face then got a strange look on it before he added, "Besides...fuck my dad. No one should care what he thinks."
That comment seemed strange to me. His dad was a spiritual leader. I'm not the most religious person, but even I held his dad in a high esteem.
Shrugging it off with a smile, I half-jokingly said, "I'm not too sure about him not being a Jedi. I think he may have seen last night coming, even before we married."
"Why do you say that?"
I leaned in like I was telling him a secret and humoredly said, "You remember when we told them I accepted your proposal? And they took us out for that dinner? Well, when I went to the bathroom, he was waiting for me when I came out. We talked for a bit before we came back to the table, and he asked me if I would consider going to premarital counseling, just to get us both on the same page."
I'm not sure what I expected. Maybe a chuckle, a snicker, or even a shrug of indifference. The color-drained, open-mouthed stare took me by surprise.
"Wait. He did what?"
This sharp shift in him was alarming. There was a chill in his voice when he asked that, completely different than his normal tone.
"He just asked me to consider counseling."
My answer seemed to agitate him even more. He rubbed his hands through his hair, which is something he does when he's anxious or frustrated.
"You never met with him, did you?"
"No. Of course not. Why would I meet for premarital counseling without you?" I asked as if it should've been obvious. He seemed to relax a bit at that, which only raised my concerns that much more. With confusion in my voice, I asked, "What's going on, babe? You're scaring me."
He took a deep breath, and I could see him visibly deflate. With a sigh, he answered, "It's just that...my dad...he's a hypocrite. And he's not...a good man."
"Why would you say that?"
He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly; almost angrily. "I was raised in a house of hypocrisy, Peyton. My father, my family, my entire childhood was built on a huge lie."
He looked off to the side, like he was hiding his eyes from me. For the first time, I saw something in him that I'd never seen before. I saw vulnerability. I saw a brokenness that just wasn't accessible to me until now. In all the years we'd been married, this was the first time I was seeing this.
Continuing, he said, "My dad would preach every Sunday, often about presenting your marriage as a blessing to the Lord, all the while he was secretly fucking several women in the congregation."
"What?!" I exclaimed, completely shocked.
"Oh yeah." He said with an angry nod. "That's not even the worse of it."
By now he was practically shaking. I could feel the anger radiating from him. I couldn't help wondering how it was I'd never heard about this. Why wouldn't he tell me something that obviously caused him so much anguish? Why didn't he trust me with this until now?
Same question could go for you.
I shook off my conscience. Imploringly, I asked, "Babe, what could be worse than that?
He sighed. Then he looked at me and answered my question. With explicit detail.
***
PHIL:
Why is it that most life altering days start out rainy?
Such a dreary day. Dark clouds overhead. Rain coming down in sheets with only brief pauses. No thunder yet, but that was sure to be on the way.
Eighteen-year-old Phil was spending this awful day like he did many others; at his cousin's house, who happened to also be his best friend. He and Roy grew up close and were more like brothers than cousins.
Like many Saturdays before this one, the two of them were locked away in the finished basement playing video games on Roy's PS2. The family had turned this basement into an entertainment center of sorts. There was a pool table, video games, surround sound, a dart board, an extensive DVD collection, and a huge TV. At the moment, the game of choice was "
Tekken 5
".
Roy's parents were out, so the boys had the house to themselves. Usually, this would equal the two of them ripping through the house with typical teen buffoonery, but today Roy seemed a bit subdued. In fact, he acted as though Phil's presence was a bother to him.