I make no claim to being a licensed therapist. My credential is that I have been married to the same woman for over 50 years and have two well adjusted children with their own families. Some would argue that my claim is quite an ordinary situation and perhaps it is but I have observed many families which seem to lack a basic understanding of how make family relationships work.
So I decided to offer my help to families which feel they need some guidance. From the beginning I make it clear that I am not a licensed professional and use unconventional methods. I make sure that new clients sign a disclosure which explains this before we make the first appointment.
Let me give you an example of my practice by describing a recent case. Rod and Pam Turner (not their real names but I have to call them something here) came to see me at my office. Rod started off by saying he and Pam are loosing touch with their children. "When they were little," he said, "we would have fun as a family and discuss everything. Now they don't want to talk with us.
"Mike is 19 and while at home only wants to play video games. When he goes out we don't know where he is or who he is with.
"Sandy is 18. She is more talkative than Mike but we still don't get much about how she feels and things that bother her."
By asking questions I found out that Rod and Pam both work out of the home and while not working spend most of their time on their individual activities: golf for Rod and a choral group for Pam. I then brought the conversation to a stop by asking, "Have you explained and discussed sex with Mike and Sandy?"
Both were silent and seemed embarrassed. Finally, after an extended silence, Pam said, "We don't know how to talk about that subject. I wish we were close enough with our children to have an open discussion about it, but we are not. Is that important?"
I pointed out that having a close relationship with Mike and Sandy is very important and that at their ages, sex is going to be a large part of what they are thinking about. If they have no one to give them honest answers, they will get their information from schoolyard tales. I told them this is an opportunity to improve their relationship by helping their children with a subject that is new and important to them.
"Their school taught sex education," exclaimed Rod, "doesn't that cover it?"
I explained that while school sex education classes are important in that they provide basic information on anatomy and function, they are far from a comprehensive reference for all of the challenges a teenager will face. "Do you remember when you were in high school?", I asked.
After another period of silence Rod said, "Oh, I guess you are right. Can you help?"
At this point I explained that they would need to have a meeting each week with the entire family in their home and that it would be essential that they commit to following my instructions if we were to make progress. Rod and Pam agreed to this but had a problem finding a period of two hours each week when everyone was available. Either Rod or Pam or one of the children had something they wanted to do. That this was a major problem was obvious to me but not to Rod and Pam.
We finally agreed that Sunday's from 7:00PM to 9:00PM would work. Pam said that she may have to skip some sessions, but I said no. If I am going to work with them, there must be a firm commitment for everyone to be there and for everyone to follow my instructions. I told them this was a big commitment to their family. I realized that our first meeting would have to make it clear that everyone was fully invested in this.
The next Sunday I arrived at their house at 7:00PM. Pam let me into a nice home furnished in Scandinavian modern. She showed me into what must have been a family room with couches and a large television. I asked her to arrange five straight chairs in a circle, bring five towels, and then bring in the family. She paused and said, "Rod isn't here yet. Can we get started without him?"
"No, as I explained in our first meeting, everyone in the family must be here. Should we wait or should we reschedule?"
She asked me to wait while she made a call. After about ten minutes she returned and said Rod will be here in a few minutes. It was probably fifteen minutes later when Rod came bursting in, asking why we could not start without him. I patiently explained that our purpose tonight is to bring his family together and if that is not as important as whatever else he was doing then we are wasting our time. He looked at me as though no one had ever spoken to him like that, paused and admitted, "I guess you are right."
