The day I filmed my first sex scene was as exiting and terrifying as the first day I worked as a professional actress nearly eight years before.
Both days I felt a swirling maelstrom of emotions never landing on one feeling for long. The most prominent feelings were of excitement to be the centre of attention, terror that I was unworthy of all that attention, confidence that I had done everything I could to be prepared for the day and certainty I wasn't ready.
As I walked onto the sound stage I wore only slippers and a fluffy robe nothing else. I had been filming on that stage for the last eight years but the fifty or so voices excitedly getting every detail of this mornings work ready began to fall silent as they noticed me, my assistant and the second assistant director approaching the set. That had never happened before.
It was supposed to be a 'closed set' with only 'essential personnel' there but a lot more people were on the sound stage than seemed necessary. All of them had been busily working toward the moment I would stand in front of them and take off my clothes in public for the first time in my life.
Well, actually they were there to help tell the story of our show a famous series of books from the Nineties.
The gist of the story is a Princess in a fantastical kingdom escapes death while the rest of her family are murdered. The Princess goes into hiding while barbarian invaders lead by a tyrant king search for her.
I play the character of the Princess.
For eight years and five seasons my character had grown up hunted by the sinister leader of the barbarians so he could wed her and cement his right to rule these lands.
The King captured The Princess in the final episode of season four. In the first episode of season five the Princess was returned to his castle, her ancestral home where she had been magically enspelled. The episode ended with the Princess in the King's bedroom being tied up.
We were about to film what happened next.
This show is famous for its lewd sex scenes. Rape, incest and orgies were all possible on this show. For the last four seasons I had been spared taking part in any of the overtly sexual stuff both because my character's virginity was a major plot point but also because I was a child when we started filming.
I had turned eighteen the month before filming my first nude scene.
In the popular original books a major plot point revolved around the moment the King captured the Princess. The famous scene involved graphic sexuality and filming it would be very challenging for everyone.
The behind-the-scenes negotiations around this scene had been going on for almost a year but they could only be hypothetical and vague for most of that time because of my age. Until the negotiations for this episode my parents had been closely involved in my participation on the show but obviously they didn't want any part in me doing a sex scene on film.
It was one of the most notorious and discussed rape scenes in that genre of writing. Endless debate over the graphic nature of the writing and the language the author used swirl online and on podcasts but no one ever questions that the defilement of the Princess is what forges the woman and the leader she becomes. The children conceived from this event are the main subjects of the next series of books set in this world. Without this scene the rest of the events of the story cannot unfurl.
Ever since filming on the show began eight years ago people had known this scene was going to take place. No one knew just when because we had shuffled scenes around from the books but now that I was eighteen internet speculation was burbling away.
And eventually the day came to film it.
I made my way through the maze of equipment and people on the sound stage floor and walked onto the set a Gothic-like bedroom from a fantastical world. By the time I arrived at my destination on the set the only people still talking were the producer/show runner (The boss of bosses), the director and the actor playing the barbarian King.
All three of these men are very famous but to me they are like uncles.
The director had been with us most of the first season and helped us all bond as a cast and crew. Every season after that he filmed the biggest, most important episodes; his vision key to the success of the franchise. He is warm and friendly but a focused artist. It was his job to make sure the ravishment of the Princess told the story in the script and packed the most emotional impact for the viewers.
The producer was the man who convinced everyone involved that these books could be made into an R-rated series on a specialty streaming service. He's the man who hired me as a ten year old girl, who had watched me grow from a precocious tween to a focused performer. We respected and loved each other.
The man playing the evil King was a tremendous actor famous for movies, television, theatre, and for being wickedly handsome, powerfully built and devilishly charming. He was also in his forties and had known me since I was a child yet today his job was to pretend to psychologically and sexually terrorize the Princess.
Acting is an insane business.
After a few moments the two other actors involved in the scene as well as the Director of Photography joined us on the set to all discussed in detail what was about to happen. We choreographed where every hand was going to go and how the camera was going to capture it all. These conversations had been going on a bit at a time over the course of several days because there were a lot of questions about how much to show from the original books.
In the books the scenes were graphic, prolonged and continued for many chapters as the Princess was defiled for days before her eventual escape. Everyone involved in our show was very concerned about what to show and how.
We had agreed to film the scene in several ways, one fairly tame version (tame for our show), one slightly more risque and one very graphic version. Then in editing we would see what worked best in context of the whole episode.
We were going to shoot me naked all day today and tomorrow.
I admit I zoned out as the conversation got more and more technical. I was playing the helpless victim and I honestly felt it best that the Princess be unable to anticipate what was going to happen. Its easier to act if you can be free in the moment to react honestly.
I'd had to agree to where they could touch me and what could be filmed but that had been days ago. Now I was letting myself forget that and focus on the Princess' fear.
Unfortunately my personal arousal was interfering.
This whole situation was straight out of my deepest, darkest sexual fantasies.
Maybe because I'm an actress I already have an exhibitionist streak. I do love being the centre of attention but I can be very shy if I don't have lines or a character to hide behind. I love to entertain, I love pretending to be other people and I've always felt a deep need to please people but did that justify how powerfully aroused I was as I waited to expose myself in front of my co-workers?
As I grew up I learned to enjoy male attention and because I'm on a famous series I have gotten a lot more of that attention than most girls normally get. I've been photographed for magazines where they asked me to pose in tiny outfits and reveal a lot of skin and I learned I quite enjoyed it. I loved being told I was cute or sexy or beautiful. Who wouldn't?
Secretly I only partly believed it anyway.
Some of that attention inevitably focused on what my body looked like. I'm petite and think of myself as kind of a pixie but I've been criticized online and in person for being too tiny and told that I probably have an eating disorder.
The fact is that on the show my character has been on the run for years and so I've worked hard at keeping thin- skinny actually- during shooting but I do it healthily. The production provides me with a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I have to take hand-to-hand combat and knife and sword training constantly, filming lengthy battle scene often. With all of that my body is in peak condition.
Even so because I knew this scene was coming and that at some point this scene was going to be uploaded and watched by way more people than actually watched the show I had a lot of anxiety about how my body looked. I felt anxiety and arousal from the thought of being seen by millions.
For weeks I fantasized about all those people seeing me nude. My clit grew tender from how much I abused it visualizing the world watching me in these scenes.
Once I finally agreed to being fully nude for the scene I had gone to work at getting into fantastic shape.
I got the production to hire a trainer that top swimsuit models work with, someone who knew all the secrets the most famous women in the world used to look their very best. All summer I obsessed over calories, fluids, ketones and all sorts of body processes.
I feel like an expert on food now.
In the end my body was as perfectly sculpted as it was likely ever going to get.
Even so I couldn't eat the morning of filming I was so nervous. I stared at myself in the mirror after my shower and cried because I didn't think my body was worthy of being immortalized forever on the internet.
But I also masturbated to the point of orgasm three times as I looked at my amazing body and fantasized about everyone I knew seeing me naked later that day.
It was a weird dysphoria that didn't make sense.
When I stopped cumming and sobered up from the post-climax bliss I freaked out about what a pervert I was being. Why was the idea of having my co-workers seeing my newly-sculpted naked body so erotically compelling?
I had a non-diagnosed, probably-just-being-dramatic panic attack and then I got into a car and was driven to the studio.
In the car I sat in the back curling up in yoga pants and a huge sweater. Secretly I kept touching my throbbing sex. I was still powerfully aroused about what was going to happen at work. All those eyes on me for all these years, all this obsession over my body- my own obsession and the public's- had insinuated itself into my sexuality.
I had very little romantic experience for an eighteen year old because I'd been working professionally for my whole puberty. Between that and homeschooling I hadn't had anything close to a normal childhood. I still lived at home with my family at the time we shot that scene. I'd never had a serious boyfriend and most of the kissing I had ever done had been on screen as my character. Thus my fantasy life revolved around work relationships, porn and romance novels.
I'm kinda broken I think.
My masturbatory fantasies always involve an audience. In my mind every time I have any sort of sex, even in a car, there are people filming it through the windows. If I imagine sex on a secluded beach I know the paparazzi will be in the bushes filming it.
The day of my first nude scene however I was actually going to be seen by a crowd of people for real. I was going to be groped and fondled by men I had known for years in front of people who were essentially my family and perversely I was fantastically horny because of it.
I could hardy stop myself from covertly rubbing my aching pussy as I went through hair and make up.
