An hour-long left in a commute is, under most circumstances, something to celebrate. An hour dwindles like few other measurements of time. It's robust enough to offer plenty of reflection and opportunity but can also vanish without warning. I jostle, or to put it more accurately, am jostled by the movement of the train car I'm in. A train, I thought, is not a horrific way to pass an hour, but I only reflect on it because I know the approximately fifteen to twenty-five dilapidated churches I will have to pass by before the brakes are engaged and we slide into the modest metropolitan area my friends all decided to congregate in a few months ago, two hours away from reasonable housing prices.
Looking at the vividly green, marshy forests as the aging carriages bumbled along wasn't the worst way to spend a trip. The cars were often hot, crowded, and filled with people who would rather not rub elbows with you in the typical humidity, but fortunately only a few people apparently decided Amtrak was a good idea this weekend. I attempted to, failing every few minutes, to keep my attention trained to the moving images outside, to stop focusing on the unusual element of my ride sitting across from me in the booth. This part of the train was primarily empty, apart from an elderly couple I saw dozing before the train even left the station. The abundance of space hadn't stopped the glowing couple from sitting across from me from choosing my booth. Being a young, plain-looking man, this feels shockingly forward on their part. They offer all the characteristics you think you want in a nearby traveling companion until you find yourself having to reckon with it: severity, attraction, respect for quiet. The woman has dark auburn eyes, looking precise and splendidly angled in a black and white patterned sunflower dress, only speaking in the occasional whisper to her male companion, eliciting the occasional giggle. The man looks unnervingly like me, almost like a doppelganger who has gone through some measure of improvement before being debuted to the world. It could be I lack the imagination for what differences could visually exist across two bearded white men on public transit. Still, though, his scruff was well-trimmed, and I enjoy how the slight unbuttoning of his shirt gives way to dark curls. I'm suddenly aware of how unkempt I looked in comparison, baggy chinos and a t-shirt doing nothing for me in present company. Who looks this stunning on a fucking Amtrak?
The mostly empty car meant for a cooler overall temperature, except for his furtive glances and hazel eyes that, I can only imagine, regularly tightens chests, quickens pulses, etc. He was pleasantly unremarkable otherwise, apart from the occasional look, which carried with it such a forceful, direct appeal that a square jaw and standard scruff looked less like a standard college coffee shop barista and more like an eruptive opportunity. I notice my throat feels like I've swallowed sandpaper and I decide that, despite the table between us, to cross my legs for good measure. I focus on passing imagery, trying to redirect attention from an overactive imagination and a swell in my lap and instead onto the life outside the window. I try to feign like I'm paying attention to numerous non-functioning LED church screens, the yellowed egg-white signage shouting phrases like "FORBIDDEN FRUITS FRUITS CREATE MANY JAMS" or "SIN: COMMIT TO NOT COMMIT!"
The couple's hand-holding has turned sensual in the passing moments, and while a woman stroking the forearm of the man next to her isn't necessarily lewd behavior, I still found it hard to focus. I don't have an issue with public affection, I think, as I distract myself by thinking about which volunteer position in a Christian church oversaw the making ridiculous awareness campaigns via public road signage. This is not, however, an effective distraction when she begins to kiss him with intent, and I notice how alarmingly smooth their embrace is. The woman's slim, ponderous face pressing forward into the man's, parting her lips at a width generally frowned upon in most public contexts. I cannot do much of anything as I see how graceful the push and pull between them is. What is the point in pretending not to see? I consider. Instead I admire how there was none of the typical haphazard missteps in a typical embrace, no callous smashing of the lips, a miscalculated tongue, or anything else clumsy. The blasé nature of a perfect kiss on a train would have been less shocking had it not immediately escalated. Suddenly I'm weighted deeper in my bench when his hand cups first her face and then, moments later, gently take her breast in his palm.
I try to make mental calculations for when the last time an employee walked through the car, but instead, I uncross my legs and the following freedom and pulse renders questions like "How will this end?" or "Will I be banned from trains?" irrelevant. My hand shifts onto myself, feeling the warmth through the fabric as the man, between long, face-melding kisses, tenderly attends to her nipple, erect between his fingers. A thumb and index circles it, occasionally pinching the enlarged pink, which jolts her a little, while her free hand yanks her blanket over both of their laps.